Best Humorous Poems

At the footbridge Sue was meeting her beau
(He was married to a woman called Flo)
Sue soon found out his deception
She dismembered his ********
For his love life it was a massive blow

To the hospital fled poor Rodger
For an op to repair his todger
Now fixed, it's SO...

Continue reading...

Wouldn't you rather~

Wouldn't you rather be dead?
Maybe shoot yourself in the head?
Over my dead heart, I'd never want to be a zombie like you.
The sight of your limbs are rotten all the time.
All synonyms say of you looks like a 3 legged swine.
Go ahead and...

Continue reading...

Poor Peter Pumpkin had a very itty bitty head.
So the farmer made him stay inside the garden bed.

The farmer said that he was going to keep him warm with hay.
And there the itty bitty pumpkin stayed for many a day.

Finally, the farmer came to check...

Continue reading...

The smile on my lips
is forced and coerced
I pretend to pay attention
give the best possible advice
everyone praises me
I'm so kind, polite and nice
It's all just automation
I rarely actually listen
certainly don't care
all I'm doing
is playing human
blending in
fitting in
I'm so perfectly hidden
you'll never even
see a curtain, 
from...

Continue reading...

I was at my favorite restaurant and I'd had a lovely meal,
if I finished all my food then a pudding was the deal
I’d relished every morsel and was pleased as a Cheshire cat,
the dessert menu was on its way, oh I couldn’t wait for that

The...

Continue reading...

Don't bother me with conformity
don't bother me today-
with things I should (or shouldn't) do
or what I shouldn't say!

Don't bother me with conformity
my house is not “obscene”...
Orange, purple, and lavender
look lovely with lime green!

Don't bother me with conformity
I'm much too happy, carefree
to wonder why the neighbors...

Continue reading...

t         e         t        e   
               ...

Continue reading...

I want conversations 
with writers and poets
The wise the wacky 
the dark and the stoic 
I need to drink your words
I fear my disease is chronic 
The name of my affliction
I think it’s wordaholic

Writers and poets
Dig down to the deep
Some are more honest
Others have secrets...

Continue reading...

Ted’s libido has now gone astray
He refused a quick roll in the hay
So what could be the cause -   
It’s the male menopause   
He’s been grumpy and snappy all day!
 
His testosterone levels have dropped  
Many Viagra pills he has...

Continue reading...

You probably don't think much of me
save for the season of spring
when your lawn litters itself
with giant over-buttered popcorn

(birds that think they can sing,
supersonic sneezes?
those kinds of things)

And yet here I am,
standing out like a stamp on a letter
(a marble in a field? even better)
I...

Continue reading...

My turds float like choc’late marshamallows
Just lurking about in the shallows
I guess that my butt
Is truly kaput
So doctor suggests bitter aloes

I questioned such treatment regime
Doc said it may keep my butt clean
Aloe on my finger
Won’t cause me to linger
And floaters will look like whipped cream

Doc...

Continue reading...

Oh cripes I’ve gotta tell yer of a horror ride I had,
	That beat any bronc or bull I’ve rode, and I must say I’m glad,
	I’ll never have to ride like that, again to hold me seat.
	Now rodeo is ‘kiddies’ stuff compared to what I beat....

Continue reading...

JAN HAS A FAN


Jan Has no Tan

I once saw a gal called Jan
So sexy she made me ran
Straight to the vicar
Said marry us quicker
Whilst she drank her tea on the can


She is as White as pure Sand

I once met a gal in white dress
I fell...

Continue reading...

Envious Ivy was her name
I’d buy something new – she’d put me to shame
My designer coat in a shade of emerald green
Ivy bought an identical one just to be mean
She was the most terrible copycat
See your purchase and say ‘oh I fancy one like that’...

Continue reading...

Hot date
Can’t wait

We're at
My flat

Cute eyes
Nice thighs

Admit
She’s fit

So sweet
Must eat

We dine
Sublime

First Kiss
Sheer bliss

Soft peck
On neck

Tongue's twirl
Toes curl

First base
Hearts race

Undressed
Bare breast

Blimey
She’s ‘HE’

No joy
Ladyboy

Fussy
Pussy

Night ends
As friends

Written by Jan Allison & Tim Smith
28th August 2014...

Continue reading...