It seems that every 10 to 12 days or so
my living room faces the force of my manic episodes
sticky-tacking every coloring book image
completed to the walls
rearranging lights in hopes something shines better
I can’t arrange my furniture in a way
that curls me into comfort
molds me interwoven home’s aroma
maybe
the issue isn’t whether the couch belongs
against the left or right wall
or against the wall at all
or possibly
the fact my bed is a place of unrest
it’s probably
my reluctance to unpack the real problems
but I’m too preoccupied trying to change things
that won’t make a difference in the first place
All that
remains
of our
love
is a faded Polaroid,
a carton of cigarettes,
and two cases of beer.
I'll forget you soon,
but for now,
I'm cracking open
another one—
let's hope these
memories
blur!
Friends told me of some dude they trusted
But left out the part he was lusted
This mechanic, you see
Wanted to work on ME!
And I went home with tailpipe busted
All that
remains
of our
love
is a faded Polaroid,
a carton of cigarettes,
and two cases of beer.
I'll forget you soon,
but for now,
I'm cracking open
another one—
let's hope these
memories
blur!
He left her for a bony
with halitosis.
She thinks of humiliating him
recalling that final orga...
hears again his sob of pleasure.
Then his hurried dressing, his coldness.
She wants to humiliate him,
to stomp upon his bullcrap soul.
One cigarette after another.
she draws the smoke into her lungs,
into her belly, feels the fumes
turning to vengeful wraiths.
Imagines pleasuring him once more,
using him up.
One last warm splash,
then leaving abruptly, yet a look back
to relish his wide-eyed undoing -
junking him from her body forever.
Thrust in the center of the storm
All I could see was You
My deepest fears had been born
My sanity like strings unloosed
Nerves unglued by life events
Perhaps this broke my mind
Strapped to a bed I no longer lament
Refused food or drink of any kind
The drugs they tried made me hide
Inside my paranoia so I didn’t speak
Except for occasionally with my eyes
At this one mental health nurse you see
She would gently hold my bound hand
And offered warm wishes and compassion
Through her empathetic angelic glance
I gained something humane in her passion
She’d offer me food which I refused
But fed my spirit with her kindness
After days my mangled mind improved
God sent her and a divine kiss
Through the eye of a manic storm
Where I lay broken despite grace of God
All I saw was this nurse's form
She grounded me with her heavenly heart
The world is asleep and yet I lie awake. Thoughts race through my mind. Trying to think good thoughts but they are so unkind. Worrying seems to put me in that place. It's a monster taking over my soul. I feel like I'm falling into a deep deep hole. Ride the wave till it's over. Melting down into a puddle. I try to sleep but all I do is toss, turn and fuddle.
Sleep escaped,
Without a farewell,
She had not the grace
To aspire my light,
She proved to be darker
Than her gaze,
Glaring, glowering,
Glowing with madness,
Bipolar’s destroyer – two sides of the coin
Despair, dread, doubt – depression
Delight, elation, wired – manic
Stages of dark and light,
Day and night,
A breath, a prayer, a silence
Flooded with fire –
Cold, brilliant desire….
Where she kindles a flame,
A feeling, a flavor
Peppered with light,
But pouring out – fight or flight,
Willing the spirit to mute
What is a glorious ruse.
Nadir deceptions in the form
Of acceptance, darkness and light,
Fading into day, then night,
Manic depression – bipolar like
The questions
That come to life
When there is no prescription,
Killing the sparklers
Within my mind, within my brain
Where bipolar is made
From two pieces of a maze,
A labyrinth who prays,
For God’s healing touch,
His endless grace,
Overflowing my cup, bringing
The chance to wake up
From the sleeplessness that pursues
Enemy of His truth,
Insomnia, the ruse!
For manic, listless, bipolar, mad souls,
the rate of solitude increases fast,
like the second derivative; to last,
velocity accelerates near black holes,
which tug light into singularity's sinkhole.
If isolation never speeds up past,
if desolation, forever steadfast,
must for eternity blast, then controls
despair all? Not so! Space-time's curvature
let's us all firmly stand on Earth's hard ground
of hope: shielded by her vaulted feature
of pure blue sky, and atmosphere all-round
this sun-bathed orb (free from mankind's nature,
this life's dismay, and gamma-ray background)!
delusions, illusions,
these random contusions,
idolic notions of
noiseless commotions,
keeps me in motion,
whirling with the gravity
I'm on my knees,
praying what you're saying
I still believe
and if its true
what i really need,
is to be sent away
from family
and friends,
I will contend
but that doesn't mean
it's not right for me,
can't you see
I'm not in control of this body
anymore
restless and sore,
an endless downpour
of emotions, evoke erosions
my sanity, slowly bleeds
leaving me a shell of me
all the while I beg and plead
leave me be, leave me be
I'm fine I'm fine,
you're acting crazy,
not me, can't you see,
I see it all so plainly,
time for me to be set free
from this false reality
with this slice I'll set it right,
clean and quick,
pick it up,
hazy drift,
I'm giving up,
A dangerous mind and a broken soul,
Years of hiding had taken its toll.
A cry for help mixed in with a joke,
I'm getting too weary to carry the yolk.
A sense of reality that slipping away,
I'd reach out for help if I wasn't afraid.
Hours awake locked inside my own brain,
thoughts in my head that aren't very sane.
To, the guy whose life I'm about to change
and those who praise him for my efforts,
I am the effortlessly perfect girl,
who is whimsical in just the right ways.
The one who knows her way around your mind,
to help you become a better person
that serves as my ultimate purpose.
Under any other circumstances,
you would be too difficult to notice,
a brooding young man with little to offer.
I transform lizards into huge dragons,
you sit there feeding off of my hard work.
Nursing your wounds and singing you to sleep,
dancing without music in a crowded street.
Name as quirky as my personality,
was it a fruit, city, or a season?
I'm a rainbow in your monochrome world.
I teach you about the joy of living,
with knives in my belly of which we don't speak.
I'm beautiful and full of potential,
but who cares because this is your story.
My story begins without a beginning,
probably ends in the same manner too.
If it weren't for your interest in me,
I would be an 'extra' in the movie.
It’s 2am and I am awake
Feel like I slept a whole day
Rolling red rivers of sleep escape
I am a poet who needs sleep I say
For a winged white word traces brain
As a blue bird tangled in my mane
To sleep right now would be a shame
Boogie down dancing muse do your thang
They say my dad use to cat nap
His creativity was crazy cool not zapped
Seems when I want to I teal tap
Into the creative gene pool with a snap
My doctor gave me a Cpap and
I hate it like I hate meat in a can
She gave me a green goal 4 hours
But sleepless nights are a super power.
I can hear music in a single word or phrase
If I choose it can write a purple song today
I write about lavender love not so much hate
I write about life, tender times, fuchsia faith
I am not manic so don’t go there
No need to panic just be aware
That some of us have creativity in excess
Because when others sleep I write my best
Sometimes I am a shadow
Casting images upon a wall
Having no effect on life
A curiosity to all
Sometimes I am a rock
Moved by others pain
At times like this I wonder at the thought
That I am insane
Sometimes I am an animal
Drifting along at whim
Doing things without a thought
Of love of life or limb
At times you think you know me
At times you know you don’t
Just remember I am all me
Even when I won’t
The manic phases – Susan Manley (C) 1985
The next time you cry,
Acknowledge the warmth of those salty tears upon your cheeks.
That is what it is to be alive.
To have,
To had.
The moment.
I assure you in those lonely moments,
You will feel how strong you are,
How resilient.
You can survive this life,
If only,
You Acknowledge
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