There once was a woman named Mabel
Who lived in a house with a stable.
She wanted a horse,
But since her divorce,
To afford one she just wasn’t able.
She had an idea for a cable
Which might bring enough cash to enable
Her life to change course
And she knew just the source,
So she laid her plan out on the table.
She contacted Julian Schnabel
And asked if perhaps he was able
To help her endorse,
By using his force,
Her product, which needed a label.
He agreed and how lucky was Mabel
When Amazon offered her cable!
She purchased her horse,
Which sounds crazy, of course,
But this story is only a fable.
*A very loose form of Limerick,
but Mabel deserves lots of syllables.
There once was a waitress with the name of Mabel
Who used her bosom as a restaurant table
Beneath her double chins
Mabel flaunted her twins
The one on the right, Cain and the left one, Abel
The locals knew not to make fun of the lady
Ol' Teddy swaggered in, looking kinda shady
He taunted her with smut
She punched him in the gut
That's the last we all saw of Teddy O'Grady
Mabel looked real nice in her crimson ruffled gown
Two cups of coffee; 'pon her boobs she set 'em down
And when I smiled at her
She said, "Thank you, sir"
I left her a satisfied tip of a half-crown
When eating lunch, Mabel never uses a plate
Don't insult her by declaring she's overweight
Cause she'll call you a lout
Chew you up, spit you out
If you tell her she needs a train to move her freight
Mabel's knockers would put the Grand Tetons to shame
But they're the reason she's in the town's Hall of Fame
She wins beauty contests
With her grandiose breasts
I think 'Melons Mabel' is a comely nickname
My dearest Mabel
was the human personification
of what her first name stood for:
"Beautiful" and "Lovable"
She was a nurturing mother
grandmother, teacher and woman of God
She was the perfect help mate
for my great grandfather
She was to him
what Eve was to Adam
what Sarah was to Abraham
what Rebekah was to Isaac
and what Ruth was to Boaz
She was the embodiment
of the virtuous women characterized
by King Solomon in Proverbs 31
and the Apostle Paul in Titus 2
Today, we honor you
as Acklins's favorite daughter
and our family's brightest star
Until that Glad Reunion Day
we bid you a sweet and pleasant sleep
A letter arrived from Aunt Mabel, always a keeper
She was delighted I bought myself a Bissell sweeper
Said they are best, but I could have gotten it cheaper,
Seems her nephew is in more trouble, getting deeper
I suspect he was caught smoking or selling a reefer,
Auntie says her bloat is causing her to have a fever
She needs a full physical before prices get steeper!
Big news! Auntie said she was dating a Bob Kneiper
At her age, I was shocked, but won’t ask the “bleeper”
He’s older, she said, expecting soon the grim reaper!
I chuckled when she said she had a window peeper
I’ll tell her she needs to report this ornery creeper.
I’ll answer her when I have some news to report
I think I’ll suggest coming over to serve as her escort
Maybe keep an eye out for that Peeping Tom cohort
I do not consider window peeping a spectator sport!
Aunt Mable will probably laugh out loud and snort
I’m sure her nephew will be asking her for support
She’ll remember what I told her last time to retort,
He’s got to stop the doping and with no dopers consort!
Written June 9, 2022
Millie’s mother Mabel mended macrame
Mainly Marseilles-made macrame,
Maddening moments mending machine macrame
Mostly made-to-order, mostly May macrame.
Making May mostly made-to-order macrame means
Many months modifying Malaysian macrame, mostly!
written February 2, 2022
Yesterday, I received Auntie Mabel’s end-of-the-year letter
Seems, after another bout with arthritis, she is some better,
She reports that Aunt Lula Fay’s nephew is no longer in fetter
But, unfortunately, he’s only out on bail, she being his “setter.”
Sid, Auntie Mable tells me, will never be much of a go-getter,
Reminds me for Christmas she sent me a warm woolen sweater.
As soon as I receive the sweater, I’ll send a note of gratitude
Failing to mention the gift, Auntie Mabel would cop an attitude,
When one lapses in manners, Mabel doesn’t give much latitude
Considering such a failure both thankless and unseemly crude,
Since she’s a family connection, I’d hate if she became unglued,
I don’t want to get a reputation for being an ungrateful dude!
written December 26, 2021
A letter came from Auntie Mabel today--
Saying how she’s tired of working for low pay,
Seems her widowed sister has come to stay,
The kids make too much noise when they play
Keeps telling me she doesn’t have much to say,
Still having trouble with a molar in final decay.
Her nephew on her husband’s side turned gay
And her favorite rooster died right where he lay,
Wanted to know what I think she should weigh
And, lastly, wanted the latest on Aunt Lula Fay,
Frankly, not much in her letter seemed okay.
In a week or so, I will answer her letter--
Telling her she should retire to spare her back
For a home and money, her sister doesn’t lack.
I’ll remind her quarreling about the kids is smack,
There is a fine dentist in her town named Jack
As to her nephew, I said he finally got the knack,
Sorry, but the rooster would’ve made a great snack
As to Aunt Fay, now I know she’s not snorting crack,
And, if she starts to diet, don’t consult a quack.
written October 7, 2021
Your intricacies fearfully and wonderfully wrought so well,
Sweet child, sweet daughter, greatly priced pearl,
You’re a darling, a sweetheart, my dearest ‘Mabel’,
Like your name, prayer born - meaning ‘Beautiful Girl’.
And that endless innocence in your scintillating eyes,
Each time I cup your face in my palm,
Fails not, that ‘in-depth love’ to catch me by surprise,
For your essence and your presence is my life’s balm.
Your life’s my very breath because you are my heart,
Though time beaten, these faculties, limbs, and grey,
Yet that smile rekindles in me like a burning spark,
To stand, to love, and to give to you my everyday.
There was once a lady called Mable
Whose knickers were up to her navel
Her cupboards were bare
There was no underwear
So she nicked them from where she was able
There is my sweet Aunt Mabel
sitting across the table
ever since her divorce
she eats like a horse
so we put her up in a stable
If you arrive too early
at the public library
and stand on
the steps with Mabel
till the doors open
you will hear Mabel’s
oration for the day.
Mabel is there every day
and her utterances vary.
Today three strangers
hear Mabel tell about
neighborhood teens
who park on her block
and play their car radios
loud into the night
and keep her awake.
She has called the cops
but that hasn't helped.
The next night the cars
are back, windows down,
radios louder than ever.
But Mabel has a solution.
Put those kids in jail
and build a wall
and then deport them.
Don’t come to the library early.
Mabel is there every day.
Donal Mahoney
Mabel Vera Cone
1893-1911
No one knew I existed.
No one knew I died.
No one, not even my family,
Knew I lived in the back,
Out back, way behind the small white house
On shady Canobie Street.
No one cared one iota.
No one wondered where I was
Or where I was going.
If loneliness were a flower,
I would be the faded one,
Growing and struggling reluctantly
Amidst the devouring weeds,
Out back, way beyond and hidden there,
Amidst the consuming burdock
And the golden creeping jenny there.
When I died that day,
The last Saturday in moody June,
I was alone and afraid.
No one knew I existed.
No one, not even my family,
Knew I was dying.
Dying in the darkness,
Dying of inescapable isolation,
The disease of misery and melancholia,
Out back, way beyond and hidden there,
Behind the small white house,
On shady Canobie Street.
Freddie and Mable they were so in love
He took one look at Mabel’s knockers
And billed and cooed like a silly turtle dove
Oh but in size they were real big shockers
When out shopping for panties and suitable bra
Still Freddie did not falter, Mabel fit him to a tee
“Love in bed you are my twinkling super star
But the telly I will admit, I just cannot possibly see
But precious you will always be my love and my mate
And for bloody earplugs they really are quite great!”
As dawn cracks the sky
and yellow light leaks through
The neighbourhood oracle begins her day,
sets out her stall on the corner near the station
"The end is coming"
The newspaper boy in his sister's scarf
snatched in haste too early this morning,
just before dawn,
yawning he peddles past the prophetess.
Her long hair writhes,
arms paddle the air
like a swimmer, only grimmer,
then, grinning at the boy on his bike.
"Ha you! Think you can fly!
Come to Jesus"
Over the Eastern roof tops
the dawn light gleaming
Mabel is born again,
beaming her snaggle tooth smile
"Joy today! The kingdom is come!
Repent!"
She has her reasons,
though parts of her story
her pain, her history, are a mystery
In all seasons, all weathers, every morning
while the sun slowly clambers
into the sky,
Mad Mabel, the local oracle
with twenty seven
assorted bags, eleven teeth,
and three bibles
is born again.
And we are all doomed.