Long Proctologist Poems

COME ON SOUPER'S LETS HAVE SOME FUN AND MAKE FOLK SMILE DURING SUCH DIFFICULT TIMES FOR US ALL. THERE ARE LOTS MORE APT NAMES  - PLEASE SOUP MAIL POEMS AND I WILL ADD THEM...

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Ready...Aim...Fire!

In light of tension twixt
brinkmanship rumbling one
East Asian Tiger
country otherwise known as
"the land of morning calm,"
yours truly t'will invite 
"freedom foo fighters"
tubby regaling with a jubilant aire
total mortal Kombat 
levels threat of human warhead
bomb dubbed...

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As Joe was biking down the side of the road
He ran across a chap with a dearth of driving skills.  
Or more accurately, the driver almost ran over Joe; 
'Twas one of life’s unwanted...

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~JSLambert does not (currently:) use, or encourage hallucinogenic drug use.

    Telepathic psilocybin prescription erasing elastic depression. Competition 
wanes, just when nocturnal emission drains. Lifted poetic wing clipping. This 
party only makes sense...

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Hurriedly enroute to her royal majesty
porcelain goddess throne
whereupon earlier today
March 28th, 2022,
after incomplete defecation
sitting pretty on pissoir,
I jiggled and wiggled posterior

(analogous to performing
the bum bared hustle)
until gasping for breath
though unable to shake loose
dangling dingleberry yours...

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As retiring physician, allow me to give
Some suggestions on how to both doctor and live.

You have finally finished the studies required.
You're a doctor at last, but in debt deeply mired.
With degree on display, your career...

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Can You Please Wait A Second...?

In steed of ye
     mounting your stock
key high horse,
     perhaps named Rock
Key, and head off...lock

stock and barrel,
     who...

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I was reminiscing the other day about people I've known o'er the years,
And found it strange that their names corresponded with their careers.
For instance, Joseph Carpenter was handy with hammer, nails and saw.
Clyde Barrister, famed...

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Pain in the ass devoid of dreck
inapropos poetic material what the heck
more unbearable than crick in neck
shiver me timbers, I feel like total wreck
the (see) Edmund Fitzgerald, si?.

Spasmodic cramping imposed
automatic rhyming abbreviation
comeuppance (analogous to daggers
stabbing...

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Anal lies zing constipation
     nothing to poo poo about,
cuz when bedeviled by
     colorectal obstruction 
     without wasted doubt,
that malodorous, 
   ...

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I watch our liberal congress with little admiration
As they show their family values to our entire nation
They say if you don’t have time for children 
Because you’re in a hurry
Just murder them before they’re born
Then...

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she is a top anthropologist,
he is a brilliant proctologist,
she is a beautiful billionaire,
he is a handsome debonair; 

she is a successful musician,
he is a charismatic politician,
she is a brilliant, gifted doctor,
he is a world-famous sculptor;

she...

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I had it made until my stupid wife ruined me.
I was rich until she went on a spending spree.
She spent it all before I even had the chance to stop her.
I had ten million bucks...

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I should've learned french before going to a restaurant.
What I ordered there was food that I sure didn't want.
I made the mistake of ordering cerveau and escargot.
When I learned that it was brains and snails,...

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People laugh and make fun of me because I wear a coonskin cap.
But they'll stop laughing because I'm through taking their crap.
People say that my cap makes me look silly.
They say that it makes me...

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My peach tree only had one peach and my brother decided to pick it.
I grabbed it out of his hand and you know where I decided to stick it.
My brother was really pissed.
He had to...

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I sincerely apologize if I seem curt.
I have a nail up my ass and it hurts.
My brat of a daughter pulled the trigger on my nailgun.
She'll be going to the wood shed for what she's...

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Ophthalmologist
   Checked eyes
   Have styes

Proctologist
   Drop drawers
   Up yours

Plastic Surgeon
   Replace
   Plain face

Gastroenterologist
   Pass gas
   No class

Dermatologist
  ...

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(This is a fictional poem)

I've had the same mattress for over twenty-five years.
When my teenage son was having sex on it, a spring went up his rear.
It went up his ___ and it got stuck.
I...

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i walked in
through the
open double

doors 

and heard 
a disembodied
voice ask what can

i do

you for
as car
hoods

were

left open
as mouths
at a dentists

and

other cars
were on lifts
being examined

letting out

bodily fluids as if
a proctologist
snapping off

her gloves

speaks saying
let it all run out
then...

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He's back
My nemesis,
Billy Mays,
Never does he fail
To amaze

Now pushing "Zorbees"
miracle rag,
And as I watch,
I start to gag

He's taken Vince's
Sham Wow,
And made it his
Holy Cow!

He copied his ad
Near word for word
This blazing scuz-bucket,
This worthless turd

I want...

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Caught by the believe - 

That beyond the clouds - 

Roams little green men - 

With magicmaker pens - 

They fly through space - 

Proctologist is on this case - 

They beam you up -...

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