Harmless guest
Underneath Zoom chair
Some small creature fleeing in confusion
Ah ha, a brown lizard, harmless four-legged guest
Hiding and scared, aren’t you?
So am I
Please do not visit me in bed tonight
Mi-casa-su-casa
prey on insects and spiders all you want
and Thank you
for house cleaning service
Mi-casa-su-casa
Enjoy this big playground
hanging out in small covered spaces
under any couches, chairs, desks, bookshelves, or tables in the house
Closets, vents, baseboards, cushions, and potted plants
unlimited places to hide
One early morning
A two-legged guest picks up his underpants
Surprise!
A four-legged guest skydive dropping onto the ground
fleeing in amusement
In circles and circles went the rat
On a family's front doorstep mat
A pet clawed for more
Then opened the door
Then was eaten by an indoor cat
I bought a house that nobody else wanted.
I got it dirt cheap because it was haunted.
It was once owned by a murderess and nobody could trust her.
Things got so bad in that house that I called the Ghostbusters.
But those four women came running out of that house as fast as they could.
I thought that hiring those women was a great idea but it didn't do any good.
Everybody who lived in that house ended up in a bad shape.
The last straw came when the ghost cornered me and I was raped.
I burned down that house for the insurance because things were so creepy and odd.
But the insurance company found out and now I've been sentenced to prison for fraud.
========================
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
========================
I cheated when I went to the electrician school.
I don't know what I'm doing, I am truly a fool.
I always screw up every house that I wire.
When the power is turned on, people scream "Fire!"
I connect 110 volt wires to 220 outlets and 220 to 110.
When people see my work, they never hire me again.
I was foolish when I decided to wire my house too.
As it burned, I realized that it was a stupid thing to do.
I've been sued two hundred and fifty times and soon it will be two hundred and fifty-one.
When I rewired a man's house who had no insurance, he shot me in the ass with a gun.
I have something to say and I'm sure that you'll agree.
If you want a house that you can keep, don't hire me.
(This is a fictional poem.)
Poor Tim, the timorous, one cold dark day
set out to prove that TIMID he was not!
He ventured one whole night alone to stay
inside the empty house his friends had sought.
The house was old. . . unlocked, it beckoned Tim.
He neared its door; his trepidation grew.
His laughing friends grew silent watching him.
He deeply breathed, then vanished from their view.
Inside, Tim heard below the house a sound.
He could not be a coward! With a sigh,
he took the creaking stairway down and found
before his eyes, a scraggly toothless guy
who greeted, smilingly, the trembling lad:
“It ain’t the Ritz, but welcome to my pad!”
For the "Smile You're On Candid Camera Contest
of vienna bombardieri
Inebriated Bob painted his house bright pink
His poor neighbors raised a hell-of-a stink
Then in October
Finally got sober
Took one look at the house and asked for a drink
For the Tickle Me Pink contest
Miss Prunella’s New Neighbors
By Elton Camp
The little house had been abandoned for a year
Its run-down condition made the neighbors fear
Unless a new occupant soon should come around
Miss Prunella’s property values would come down
She got hope the house would be coming back
When a woman arrived in her pink Cadillac
Miss Prunella decided that it’d be nice if she would
Make the newcomer welcome to their neighborhood
“We are so glad to see someone preparing to move in.
Just how soon do you plan for the repairs to begin?”
“Oh, thank you so much for your welcome, dear.
Actually, it’s my nieces who will be moving in here.”
The colors the house was painted seemed a bit strange
And for parking in the rear, the workers did arrange
Some days later, the four promised nieces appeared
To Miss Prunella, the schedule they kept was weird
But she decided that it was probably all right
To sleep to noon and stay up so late at night
“But I can’t understand how they afford to party so.
Too many gentleman callers regularly come and go.”
I have a cat named Hasty
the absoulte center of my world.
Theres nothing on Earth that will make me,
give up my baby girl.
My house caught on fire
So I had to get up and go.
Watching my house burn on the oustside,
recording it with my I-Phone....Oops.
Laughing at the Fun House Mirror
By Elton Camp
Back in one’s carefree childhood day
Laughing at one’s ugly image was okay
Humped, twisted or your face contorted
Wasn’t true, but a mirror that was distorted
The visage that you saw wasn’t for real
So happy, not sad, it would make you feel
The mirror in the fun house was sure okay
Because you knew you didn’t look that way
But later, when your youth has fled away
Such distorted features have come to stay
I find it hard to actually believe what I see
Who is that old man who’s staring at me?
But there’s no need to grumble or to curse
For if you’re dead, you’d look a lot worse
So we should be thankful to still be around
Seeing our image should never make us frown
So look and chuckle without the least care
“Hey, old fellow, glad to see you still there.”
A House With a Fireplace
By Elton Camp
Sure, I have a fireplace in my den
But I’m not gonna drag wood in
From it comes some crawly bug
A fire won’t make the house snug
Up the chimney the heat will go
That is saves money just isn’t so
Besides, who wants to smell smoke
That’s an odor that makes me choke
And I’ve seen this happen before
Cinder pops out and burns the floor
It’s tiresome piling on more wood
Just so the fireplace will look good
Plus, in the colorful home magazine
Carrying out filthy ashes isn’t seen
And when I try to build the fire anew
Just to go out is what it often will do
Fireplaces belong in pioneer days
I don’t find much in them to praise
It's not impossible that my house stink.
At times there festers garbage in a sack
behind a closet door, and once the sink
got clogged with who-knows-what; sent water back
up filthy and all black; I dished it out
scoop by nasty scoop into a pan.
That damn disposal broke. There was no doubt
my kitchen reeked, so I turned on a fan
and dropped some baking soda in the drain
(I'd heard it stopped most odors), but the worst
came next: a stench which I could not explain.
I searched my rooms. Six days my house was cursed
until I found it dead and hidden well -
a mouse I bet inhaled the kitchen's smell!
(true story but a little exaggerated!)
For Susan Burch's
Offensive Odors or Noise Pollution Poetry Contest
They Found Their Dream House
By Elton Camp
A large family home Joe and Sue required
With a quick sale as their lease had expired
A fixer-upper, they agreed, would have to do
So limited resources made the choices few
With the realtor they had spent a whole week
As the house of their dreams they did seek
“I know that what we want is hard,” Joe said
The agent, with a wry smile, nodded his head
“There’s a really large place here on my list
And on a quick sale the owners firmly insist.”
“It has all of the features that you say you need
But it’s been empty a while and gone to seed.”
“About this place, someone actually wrote a book
It’s getting dark, but we can go and take a look.”
“And your anxiety about price I can sure relieve.
It’s set so far below appraisal you won’t believe.”
So that is how Joe and Sue finally came to own
A house priced low, though large & well-known
Finding such a bargain surely gave them a thrill
Since prices are usually quite high in Amityville
A House Too Clean
By Elton Camp
A dirty house Aunt Suzy couldn’t stand
She always had a cleaning rag in her hand
Her furniture was spotless and had a shine
Windows were washed and looked so fine
Kitchen you’d think no meal had ever seen
The bathrooms were ever sparkling clean
A cluttered closet was, to her, a disgrace
In her storage, everything had its place
Household chores she did early to late
To walk on her floors people did hate
After a long, clean life Suzy passed away
And this is what her tombstone did say
“Good Aunt Suzy lived for many a year
Dust on the piano was her greatest fear.”
a pig in the mud,
is so unlike a rosebud.
A chicken in the coop,
hanging around their group.
Cows grazing in the pasture,
in the house sits the rancher.
Clear blue water in the pond,
sitting there I spot a beautiful swan.
Sun going down in the west,
think I'll go in the house and get some rest.
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