Best Funny House Poems
A little grey mouse
snuck into the house
to get himself out of the cold.
Then the house cat
Who saw where he sat
pursued him I am told.
The lazy old dog
who sleeps like log
was startled by the chase,
So she woke up
her own small pup
and they joined in the race.
My sister the baby
decided that maybe
she would give it a try,
She started a spat
And was scratched by the cat
and then she started to cry.
That’s when mom
called to Uncle Tom
to come and lend a hand,
With a straw broom
mom circled the room
knocking plants from off a stand.
In came my dad
and he was quite mad
because the house was in disarray
He was vexed
with what happened next
But it happened just this way.
Our two brave bowsers
chased the mouse up dad’s trousers
He thought he’d be safe in there.
Until Dad started to dance
with the mouse in his pants
Then he jumped up on a kitchen chair.
Mom smacked dad’s seat
and then came a repeat
And the mouse climbed out of his pocket.
Unseen by all
he started to crawl
into the wall through an open socket.
Later that night,
With no one in sight,
I put out a nut for the little mouse.
I had no hate toward him,
And I tried to reward him.
Even if he was trapped inside our house.
I told him my name,
And he did the same,
Then he stuffed the nut into his cheeks.
He said thanks for the food,
And I don’t mean to be rude,
But that was the most fun that I’ve had in weeks.
I bought a house that nobody else wanted.
I got it dirt cheap because it was haunted.
It was once owned by a murderess and nobody could trust her.
Things got so bad in that house that I called the Ghostbusters.
But those four women came running out of that house as fast as they could.
I thought that hiring those women was a great idea but it didn't do any good.
Everybody who lived in that house ended up in a bad shape.
The last straw came when the ghost cornered me and I was raped.
I burned down that house for the insurance because things were so creepy and odd.
But the insurance company found out and now I've been sentenced to prison for fraud.
Harmless guest
Underneath Zoom chair
Some small creature fleeing in confusion
Ah ha, a brown lizard, harmless four-legged guest
Hiding and scared, aren’t you?
So am I
Please do not visit me in bed tonight
Mi-casa-su-casa
prey on insects and spiders all you want
and Thank you
for house cleaning service
Mi-casa-su-casa
Enjoy this big playground
hanging out in small covered spaces
under any couches, chairs, desks, bookshelves, or tables in the house
Closets, vents, baseboards, cushions, and potted plants
unlimited places to hide
One early morning
A two-legged guest picks up his underpants
Surprise!
A four-legged guest skydive dropping onto the ground
fleeing in amusement
========================
First you got an alligator.
Next came a giraffe.
Lions ride your elevator,
bears hide in your bath.
Bunnies,
chimps,
(a duck?),
raccoons.....
run amok through all your rooms!
Soon, if you don't set them free - there will be no room for me!
========================
Poor Tim, the timorous, one cold dark day
set out to prove that TIMID he was not!
He ventured one whole night alone to stay
inside the empty house his friends had sought.
The house was old. . . unlocked, it beckoned Tim.
He neared its door; his trepidation grew.
His laughing friends grew silent watching him.
He deeply breathed, then vanished from their view.
Inside, Tim heard below the house a sound.
He could not be a coward! With a sigh,
he took the creaking stairway down and found
before his eyes, a scraggly toothless guy
who greeted, smilingly, the trembling lad:
“It ain’t the Ritz, but welcome to my pad!”
For the "Smile You're On Candid Camera Contest
of vienna bombardieri
Spring and the great reveal!
Winter is now in full retreat,
those darkest days of rain and sleet,
the clouds will part, as if cut by knife,
the sun warms the earth to beckon life
I throw back the curtains in every room,
to let in the rays and light the gloom,
but then as I blink and my eyes adjust,
I recoil with horror at all that dust!
Spring cleaning is a chore I hate,
but it must be done now, it can't be late,
I mop and dust and polish with wax,
I can't sit in the sun, no time to relax
Now to the kitchen, where I cater,
to remove the dust from the radiator,
down the side of the oven, a treasure trove,
a forgotten chip and a garlic clove
Every room is brought up to muster,
thanks to me and my big yellow duster,
my muscles ache, my energy's sapped,
my face is aglow, my hands are chapped
I think I've finished, but no, wait,
I glance outside beyond the garden gate,
a rusty barbecue, and a lawn full of weeds,
a fence that needs painting, and sprouting seeds
Forgive me if I don't welcome this season,
the work it brings is beyond all reason,
I prefer the winter, the storms and the ice,
curled up with a film and some chocolate that's nice!
Cheryl Darby 2015
I cheated when I went to the electrician school.
I don't know what I'm doing, I am truly a fool.
I always screw up every house that I wire.
When the power is turned on, people scream "Fire!"
I connect 110 volt wires to 220 outlets and 220 to 110.
When people see my work, they never hire me again.
I was foolish when I decided to wire my house too.
As it burned, I realized that it was a stupid thing to do.
I've been sued two hundred and fifty times and soon it will be two hundred and fifty-one.
When I rewired a man's house who had no insurance, he shot me in the ass with a gun.
I have something to say and I'm sure that you'll agree.
If you want a house that you can keep, don't hire me.
(This is a fictional poem.)
Housework what a chore
I refuse to do it any more
My poor hands have blisters
And my hands are sore
Oh my what a bore.
The more you do
The more you find
It's such hard work
And I don't have the time.
Some peoples houses are like a show room
Mine A sty
Think I was born without the tidy gene
I'm just a man who doesn't clean.
Antique pizza found under the coach
But how I wish I had a tidy house
Piles of books everywhere
If anyone came they couldn't find a chair.
I tried housework some years ago
But what I let myself in for I didn't know
I bought every cleaning substance known to man
I stood proud with a mop and bucket in my hands
You used to be able to look out of the windows and see the trees
I cleaned and scrubbed on my knees
I threw loads of stuff away. It seemed I was cleaning night and day.
Oh how I hate throwing things away
I keep everything thinking
It will come in handy one day
But it never does.
Oh won't someone come and clean for me
I can't help it I'm such a busy bee.
A man's work is never done
Not because we do any
Because it's far from fun
No we just think about it
And think some more
Oh why is housework such a chore.
''Not a true story, but I avoid it as much as poss''.
Peter Dome.copyright.2014. July.
And now I'm sat here tired frustrated
In my apron and rubber gloves
A new life it seems
Has come my way
In the mountains
And plains of Wy-o-ming
I look out of my window
And Antelope play
Go out to the kids place
Where the buffalo stay
The rain has been plenty
And the winds not still
If you call blowing
A 500 lb ol’ lady down a hill
I exaggerated a bit
But how would you know
You ain’t ever seed me
So I’ll just let it go.
From a big house
With no spare room
I now live in a trailer
Just a little bit closer to all of my treasures
I’m trying to fit in and believe me
I say it with a grin
I’ll just give you an example
My friends
At the Arena Football Game the other night
My son-in-law got bored
He took out his great big knife
While I watched them make a next score
Next thing I knew folks
Folks were falling off of their seats
And when I turned around
The same thought hit me
He had cut if the bottoms off of two plastic beer bottles
And was holding them up to his eyes like a pair of goggles
And just about then
All around started to sing
Billy’s got his beer goggles on
Only his name is Fred but what the heck
You see him ‘n me gits ‘long great
Our only goal in life
Is to see which of us
Can out do the other
I went garage saleing
With them the next day
And I bought two air conditioners
Per se
And when we arrived
Back at my place
We stuffed one in my pickup
And the other in his truck
Remember I told you
My house is quite small
It’s almost impossible
To walk in the door at all
It was late
And the wind and rain
Made installing them
Something for another day
I guess things can’t be too bad between us
Cause I gave him permission to use my lawn tractor
But dog gone sometimes he can be to nice
Making me feel like he’s my baby sitter
But the day he hollered, “Do you want your coke ‘n cane”
Shirlee hollered back, “Fred, don’t use those two words so close together
The neighbors might hear
And get the wrong impression”
So as the sun in the west
Shines in my eyes
I’ll close for now
And wish you all a good night
Cile Beer
It's not impossible that my house stink.
At times there festers garbage in a sack
behind a closet door, and once the sink
got clogged with who-knows-what; sent water back
up filthy and all black; I dished it out
scoop by nasty scoop into a pan.
That damn disposal broke. There was no doubt
my kitchen reeked, so I turned on a fan
and dropped some baking soda in the drain
(I'd heard it stopped most odors), but the worst
came next: a stench which I could not explain.
I searched my rooms. Six days my house was cursed
until I found it dead and hidden well -
a mouse I bet inhaled the kitchen's smell!
(true story but a little exaggerated!)
For Susan Burch's
Offensive Odors or Noise Pollution Poetry Contest
Inebriated Bob painted his house bright pink
His poor neighbors raised a hell-of-a stink
Then in October
Finally got sober
Took one look at the house and asked for a drink
For the Tickle Me Pink contest
How To Get Rich From Gambling
By Elton Camp
Probabilities is what gambling is all about
With enough trials, probability will work out
Though gambling will put most in the ditch,
There also is a way from it to get filthy rich
Chances stay the same for each random event
Ignore that and wonder where your money went
This, the gambler’s mind may almost derange
It’s not true that “My luck is bound to change.”
If you flip a coin & get heads 100 times in a row
The probability for tails is still one-half, though
It is a very foolish and dangerous logical slip
To think as if the coin has some memory chip
A certain slot machine hasn’t paid off for a year
Should you rush to use it if that fact you hear?
No matter what some people will insist to say
The odds are no better than on the first day
So for getting rich these facts don’t bode too well
But how wealth can be achieved I will now tell
If you want to keep your financial matters straight,
Then it’s the gambling house you must operate
It’s true that gamblers may make an occasional win,
But nearly all will just lose it back to the house again
So if, of the casino, you are the wealthy owner
Only then will your money not soon be a goner
My wife woke me up last night and said that she had been bitten all over by something,
She said she was certain it had not been me...
Alarmed! I rolled off the bed and landed on my knee.
Our baby was sleeping soundly and he did give a tither,
Sleep was precious and mine was a lost treasure.
Switching on the lights, I ventured to check
My wife, armed with a torch went over every speck
Checking anything that moves, including my shadow...
She declared she was fed up with my strange bedfellows!
My wife, she is a fighter! and I went down once again, hook line and sinker.
Crawling carefully, we saw quite a few well fed guests,
Trust me, they had had a feast and were ready for a well earned rest.
"Bed bugs! in my house!!" bellowed my wife!
I knew someone was nearing the end of someone's life.
The blame was sure to come on me and and so I quit exchanging pleasantries.
The next day I surfed the net and posted the problem on a website...
And answered phone calls well into the night!
Carpet area, free services and yearly sprays to get rid of all pests..
The offers were tougher to negotiate than a reprieve from the God of Death.
All said and done, the deal was signed and the work began.
They sprayed all over and under and even in between the third and fourth dimensions
Einstein would have been impressed, maybe even written an equation!
I sit in front of the computer with a runny nose...
Keeping watch over the house even as the scourge of the bugs slowly go.
The house smells funny and for two days I will miss their company.
My wife and kids, I mean and not the bed bugs.. O Reader!!
You are as bad as my wife, who thinks I am a lazy bugger!
Little bed bugs can shake a household,
Or as in my case, put life on hold.
Nowadays I write poems for my friends who have turned cold.
Those pest control guys did a good job, I believe,
I can see insects falling from the walls, the cracks, and the crevices.
Sometimes Life is just simple and straight,
Bed bugs, cockroaches and even a few mosquitoes are a part of your fate.
What is amazing is that a bug's bite has been converted into the Net's byte!
I rest my case...
Accepting whatever I get with...grace.
I ran a string of lights across my roof they twinkled very nicely,
So I wrapped some trees out in the back, six of them precisely.
I hung a snowflake made of light in each window of my house,
My friends were filled with Yuletide cheer I even lit up my spouse.
The bushes got draped in lights like a wonderland in winter,
Then I ran a long strand around the deck until I got a splinter.
I framed each window of my house with a string of sparkling light,
They certainly bring a cheerful glow to my neighborhood at night.
I have an inflatable manger scene spotlighted in my front yard,
With a sleigh for Santa and his reindeer it looks like a Christmas card.
My mailbox is a candy cane with red lights twisted around,
When opened it plays a song that says Santa is coming to town.
Next to the chimney I’ve hung a sign that says “Santa this way please.”
I’ve got it lit with floodlights that I’ve hung from the tops of the trees.
I’ve rented a surplus searchlight that I’ve rigged with a Santa signal,
It scours the clouds above my house looking for old Kris Cringle.
I’ve lined the drive with lights to direct Santa to my yard,
I borrowed them from the landing strip of the Ohio National Guard.
Now when I turn the lights on at night the neighbors stand and shout,
Because my display is so darned bright it makes the streets lights all go out.
They Found Their Dream House
By Elton Camp
A large family home Joe and Sue required
With a quick sale as their lease had expired
A fixer-upper, they agreed, would have to do
So limited resources made the choices few
With the realtor they had spent a whole week
As the house of their dreams they did seek
“I know that what we want is hard,” Joe said
The agent, with a wry smile, nodded his head
“There’s a really large place here on my list
And on a quick sale the owners firmly insist.”
“It has all of the features that you say you need
But it’s been empty a while and gone to seed.”
“About this place, someone actually wrote a book
It’s getting dark, but we can go and take a look.”
“And your anxiety about price I can sure relieve.
It’s set so far below appraisal you won’t believe.”
So that is how Joe and Sue finally came to own
A house priced low, though large & well-known
Finding such a bargain surely gave them a thrill
Since prices are usually quite high in Amityville