Best Official Poems
My hair is dyed to hide the grey and how my boobies sag
But I have it on good authority I’m a ‘Walnut Wag’
A ‘Walnut Wag’ … what’s that you may ask
I will enlighten you for that’s my task
A ‘Walnut Wag’ is the partner of someone with prostate cancer
This cancer can be cured so don’t let your man be a chancer
From our experience early detection is the key
With treatment your man can be cancer free
15th January 2016
I was the official jar opener in our house
Until this jar of Bick's Pickled Beets
Knocked me off my perch
Mr. He-Man here is now fighting off severe depression
It's a conspiracy, cause I was acting too much like a smart ass
That lid tightening machine heard about me
And is purposely making the seal tighter
So no actual human can open it without farting
And then it's still basicly impossible
I think the government should pass a law
That prohibits this kind of practice
To prevent us from ending up crying like a baby
And sucking our thumb all cuddled up in the corner
My dear wife decided to give it a shot
And apparently with no struggle at all
She managed to open the damn stupid thing
As I always say, “I loosened it for you!”
You can visit me in an old folks home
3:00 to 4:00 every weekday afternoon
And between 1:00 and 6:00 on weekends
© Jack Ellison 2014
Not to be confused with Double Dutch which is no longer deemed
Politically Correct,
Or gobbledegoop which could be associated with goblins and witchcraft which
would make it unsuitable for religious folk,
Gibberish is now being learned by every nation on earth.
The cheif advantage of learning to speak gibberish is that nobody realy
understands it,
So it is hard to be held accountable for what you have said.
Gibberish is also now becoming the preferred written language worldwide.
Again you will not be held accounatble for something so open to
misinterpretation.
To obatain a masters degree in gibberish, you will need to learn about codes,
As you don't want your gibberish to be too consistant,
Or someone might be able to work out what you are saying and you could be
held accountable.
Another advantage of learning gibberish is that you won't have to forego that Extra drink, as drunk or sobre it will always be gibberish.
The more gibberish you produce the more people will respect you as
worldly and wise.
You will aslo make it easy for non gibberish speakers to interpret your orders in Ways that will let them get on with whatever they are doing without fear of
being held accountable.
A word of caution however, don't take too long to learn to speak gibberish or
You could be the last person except for the Queen to be understood and she has diplomatic immunity,
So you will be it, I am afraid, unless you sign up now at a very low price
to learn basic gibberish.
Reduced to a piece of luggage
with memories of hanging gardens
zippers split open with grinning, yellow teeth
I surrender my neatly folded heart
to be confiscated, devoured, and cemented...
by a patrol who cannot border my tears...
An ultrasound scan of my tum
Showed lots of foul gas soon will come
I try to hold it in
But much to my chagrin
Foul farts are shooting from my bum
I could give up on veggies and sprouts
Lush fried onions in large amounts
I do farts loud and quiet
But I won’t alter my diet
My doctor says good fibre counts
Some veggies don’t agree with me
They make me fart so frequently
My hubby doesn’t mind
Thank goodness he’s kind
I have got a big problem you see
You could call me a flatulent lass
Foul wind’s shooting out of my ass
I admit I’ve been windy
Can’t blame our dog Mindy
My doctor says Jan it will pass
A somewhat tongue in cheek poem... but I had an ultrasound last week to check for ovarian cancer as my stomach had been bloated for several weeks... the result of the scan is a cyst on my kidney and ‘lots of gas’ in my stomach which i do not expel in public lol. My doctor is happy I follow a high fibre diet and I think things will get better once I stop eating sprouts lol
* we don't have a dog!
12/09/20
I was the official jar opener in our house
Until this jar of Bick's Pickled Beets
Knocked me off my perch
Mr. He-Man here is now fighting off severe depression
It's a conspiracy, cause I was acting too much like a smart ass
That lid tightening machine heard about me
And is purposely making the seal tighter
So no actual human can open it without farting
And then it's still basicly impossible
I think the government should pass a law
That prohibits this kind of practice
To prevent us from ending up crying like a baby
And sucking our thumb all cuddled up in the corner
My dear wife decided to give it a shot
And apparently with no struggle at all
She managed to open the damn stupid thing
As I always say, “I loosened it for you!”
You can visit me in an old folks home
3:00 to 4:00 every weekday afternoon
And between 1:00 and 6:00 on weekends
For a month now we've had cold weather,
breaking out the long johns and the sweaters,
I'm amazed,
calendar says,
winter starts today the 21st of December.
12-21-16
a woman with four daughters;celebrating life as a free bird;declares a status;single
Seeing as I live here
(I say this not in jest),
remember this is my domain,
and you are just a guest.
There is a possibility
that's fairly safe to predict:
you will definitely be sniffed
and probably be licked.
(Deal with it.)
It is not my problem
if you're a crusty grouch;
if you don't like cat hairs,
stay off the gosh darn couch!
To you I am the cat,
but here I am the baby.
If I'm in a pleasant mood,
I'll let you pet me. Maybe.
Here they like me more
than they like most people;
this, of course, makes perfect sense:
I am the queen - so regal.
They really, really love me;
they're only friends with you.
And now if you'll excuse me,
I have a toy mouse to chew.
Small little poem
Words placed together
Who will ask the questions?
Horray my Questionku is officially a form. Thanks to the Soup for accepting it.
Crimson robed closed eyes
in the Holy See
that don’t say
Upper chamber veiled deceit —
A wizard wand wave
in the Sistine Chapel cache cave
Young boys’ virgin olive oil innocence
sacrificed on the sunken altar
of concupiscence
Lust incense burning
the foul odor of debauched decadence
Nothing done before, nothing much done since
Hence the revered rosary silence
Abominable sexual disorientation initiations
Unspeakable
pagan rituals performed
behind a violate abbey veil
C2 Official Oz omission,
as rectory revealed
by cloaked wizards of fake contrition
Crimson robed closed eyes
in the Holy See
that don’t say
Scarlet epistle letter of lewd villainy,
piously disguised
by the pompous, pentagram pinnacle up high
Upper room naked transgression,
done with libidinous indiscretion
C2O foul emissions: Poisonous omissions,
now covered by staged admissions
Tainted confessions,
false tear atonements accepted
with mock grace
Calculated filthy lucre decisions
made by craven Kraken, cardinal sin closed eyes
in the Unholy Sea
that do prey
Cursed creatures of the UnHoly See,
who serpentine sway ...
Wavy paper algae
laundered movements of sorcery integrity
Ecumenical wizard necromancy;
triple digit last rites,
cadaver chants for
mint marked dead idolaters descending
Headed towards that bottomless valley —
the bane, barren Potter’s field ...
where all the lascivious Judas priests be
I awoke to the pungent smell of perfumed wisterias;
Bursting from twisting bines hang masses of purple blooms.
In far away Wuyuan I know Springtime sits upon many
Crowded terraces;
Again I long for you...our cozy little rooms.
Official Dish - Didactic
This dish is clean, comes with an official seal of approval
It must be kept away from others on the shelf
Nothing good can come from disobedience
When using dish detergent… Don't!
Be sober when you get close
Wash it frequently with chocolate soap
It is not nice to break it, rape it or lick it when you're through
Keep this dish from direct sun light
Away from loud children with hammers and knives
Weapons of mass destruction are not advised
It comes in a hermetically sealed box
Follow the instructions on the top
Make love to it if you must
With proper protection and gloves
Don't place hot meals on it or talk dirty
This dish is for display purposes only
If it breaks it can not be replaced
Take it for a walk on Tuesdays at 3:00 am
If it objects Wednesdays will have to do
Official dish has no intentions of its own
Didactic dishes do not own telephones
Are not interested in any thing but poems
According to their owners
Which is questionable based on what we understand
It is best to leave them alone
Official dish is one of a kind
Non political, round and flat
And that's a fact
That's all you need to know
I'm not bent, I'm broken...
Not another word spoken...
No giving... No take...
Just one big ing mistake...
No forgive... No forget...
No time left to regret...
No future... No past...
Everything is far from my blast...
How will I ever understand my past...
No holding on... No letting go...
How will I ever know...
My life is a joke...
Without the coke...
People just love to poke...
No egg to my yoke...
No destiny... No fate...
But differently hell's gate...
My soul is in disrepair that's how I know...
I'm standing right there...
People determined to do me wrong & still expect me to remain strong....
No heaven... No earth...
Maybe one day I will make a choice that works for me...
Instead of sitting on my **** with a cold cup of tea...
Feeling sorry for poor little old me...
Sad **** choices are my only mistake...
My life is a mess, not just from heartache...
Going around in circles seems to be my thing...
Little hope... Little dope...
I wish I could fake it, but nope...
My life & me are the funniest thing you'll ever see...
This Is My Life Unfortunately...
Maybe I walk in your shoes,
Perhaps you sleep like my loops,
Probably, this is an unimaginable satire,
Inside your head, I can never born again and be a disaster.
Perhaps I am only your necessity,
Probably, I walk on springs,
Maybe you don't possess earthly possessions,
In your hands, my name is nothing but an arcade.
Maybe you know I am your closest friend,
Perhaps I am not a suitable companion,
Probably, your thoughts about me are just a cliche,
In your mind, I am nothing but a sense of consciousness.
I know you will not follow my path,
I understand you value yourself more than my prestigious circles,
You belong to the official comedy,
I beg you to sacrifice your passion for one last time.
I cannot be your passion,
Perhaps I am more than that,
Maybe you've got none,
But you will get a better one!