Best Innuendo Poems
For a man of the cloth, our dear vicar
is not very partial to clothes
He is almost allergic to trousers
and y-fronts get right up his nose.
Ev’ry Sunday as he climbs in the pulpit
(where the choir boys are sitting below)
His meat and two veg are seen swinging
And it’s proof that he is commando
The ladies who bake and do flowers
don’t know if to scream or to peek
but Olga the Organist’s smiling
and she’s practising eight days a week!
At this year’s summer fete it was breezy
and the wind, I’m afraid, took its toll
His cassock blew up to his waistline
as he served up the last sausage roll
I've heard when he goes on vacation
He suns himself on a nudist beach
and his wife applies his sun lotion
to stop his tush looking like a ripe peach
03/14/20
Line of inquiry:
“as we passed her she did wilt
which caused in us sense of guilt
since our stance perhaps did cause
to put her heart’s joy on pause
though we’re gentle, not hostile
we diminished her soul’s smile
since our aura as she viewed
scent of love did not exude” - Unseeking Seeker
A person’s true emotions we cannot know,
but sometimes by a frown their feelings show.
With awareness, we learn to recognize
the pain reflected in a person’s eyes.
There is a girl that we had somehow hurt.
She lost her glow. As if left in the dirt,
she seemed to wither, dying like a rose,
so compassion was the path we chose.
We talked with her to find out what had made
her beautiful countenance and smile fade.
Apologies we offered in hopes to please
this friend of ours, who now seems much at ease!
Today is Pancake Day and there’s to be a pancake race
folk are on the starting line with a smile upon their face
Ted is ready with his frying pan, he is a fat old josser
but when it comes to pancakes, Ted’s an expert tosser.
He paces around anxiously and old Ted can’t resist
Getting in some practice with a quick flick of his wrist
Fresh pancakes get delivered by Terry who’s the boss
He’ll raise the starting pistol; Ted’s dying to have a toss
The gun goes BANG and off they go, Ted’s busy tossing away
busty Maureen's in the lead, if she wins there’ll be hell to pay!
Ted’s won the race the last five years, he tosses night and day
He’s had the trophy on his shelf and hopes that’s where it’ll stay
Maureen stumbles, her pancake drops and she begins to cry
Ted sneakily stamps on her pancake; he’s such a crafty guy
The finishing line is in sight, there’s just fifty yards to go
Ted frantically tosses his pancake, his wrist is fast not slow
Bill makes a sterling effort and comes at Ted from behind
tossing their pans in unison; Bill's got winning on his mind
Ted lunges for the white tape, but the race is declared a draw
Bill suggests a ‘toss off’ as there’s never been a draw before
Both men take a breather and get a fresh pancake to toss
if either drops their pancake then it will be to their loss
They both stand on the finish line and flip and toss like mad
neither of them will concede, whoever loses will be quite sad
A crowd gathers, eager to know who’ll be crowned the winner
suddenly a seagull swoops and grabs Ted’s pancake for its dinner
He starts to shout, he’s quite irate when it’s declared Bill's won
Ted takes it all too seriously, but Bill declared the toss off fun!
I heard of a fella named Roger
Who had the most ginormous todger
Guys envied his dong
(Twas twelve inches long)
Six widows now share Rodger lodger!
These widows don’t charge Roger rent
But night after night Roger’s spent -
This randy young chappy
Sure makes these gals happy
I’m surprised his todger’s not bent
05/17/21
Today it’s Pancake Day and there’s to be a pancake race
Entrants are on the starting line with a smile upon their face
Old Ted ‘s ready with his frying pan, he is a fat old josser
but when it comes to pancakes, Ted’s an expert tosser
The gun goes BANG and off they go, Ted’s busy tossing away
busty Bertha's in the lead, if she wins there’ll be hell to pay!
Ted’s won the race the last five years, he tosses night and day
the trophy’s been on his top shelf, he hopes that’s where it’ll stay
Bertha stumbles, her pancake drops and she begins to cry
Ted sneakily stamps on her pancake; he’s such a crafty guy
The finishing line is in sight, there’s about fifty yards to go
Ted frantically tosses his pancake; his wrist goes fast not slow
Bill makes a sterling effort and comes at Ted from behind
they toss their pans in unison; Bill's got winning on his in mind
Ted lunges at the white tape, but the result’s declared a draw
Bill suggests they have a ‘toss off’ - there’s not been a draw before
Both men take a breather, awaiting a fresh pancake to toss
if either of them drops their pancake it will be a great loss
Both men stand on the finish line and flip and toss like mad
neither of them will concede, whoever loses will be quite sad
A crowd gathers, all eager to know who’ll be crowned the winner
suddenly a seagull swoops and grabs Ted’s pancake for its dinner
Ted starts to shout and stamps his feet when it’s announced Bill's won
he takes it all too seriously, but Bill declared the toss off was such fun!
Poem edited - originally posted in 2017
02/16/21
Line of inquiry:
“as we passed her she did wilt
which caused in us sense of guilt
since our stance perhaps did cause
to put her heart’s joy on pause
though we’re gentle, not hostile
we diminished her soul’s smile
since our aura as she viewed
scent of love did not exude”
~ Unseeking Seeker
******************
Are we perceived as hostile beings
by flora that we tend in our gardens?
If we intimidate petals of peonies
each time we walk past their stems,
we should make amends and ask for pardon.
Is the pink tint of their blush mistrust of us?
Withering zinnias and wilting wisteria!
We wouldn't want to burden them with fear
when we speak of how lovely they'd look
in a crystal vase, set upon our parlor mantle.
To ease their worry and not cause their tears,
in our pockets, we don't carry pruning shears.
We personify flowers as if they have feelings—
but do our innuendos have that effect on people?
We label shy ones as loners or 'wall flowers'
who pull back, often going unnoticed for hours.
Do some of us unintentionally cause that reaction?
If this proves true, we need to take a moment
to have in depth contemplative consciousness,
a change in our stance and make an atonement
if it's determined we're at fault— guilty.
If so, our aura indeed has need of correction.
One that shows us emanating a kinder reflection.
The one who wilted as we passed by—
was she the shrinking Violet we refused to see?
Would we bring her heart joy if we paused
and spoke to her with a gentle greeting?
Words that would give the fragile one cause
to not think of us as hostile and vile?
If a kind word is spoken with a sincere smile
wouldn't those greetings be worthwhile?
It's plausible that we'd then have a pleasant scent,
the treacly aroma of consideration and love.
Time taken to say, 'hello' would've been well spent.
Hold out a hand as a metaphorical invitation to dance.
It might give a wallflower the confidence and the chance
to stand tall and no longer cringe at being approached.
If we've been at fault for diminishing the smile in souls,
offer them emotional strength. Be someone who consoles.
“as we passed her she did wilt
which caused in us sense of guilt
since our stance perhaps did cause
to put her heart’s joy on pause
though we’re gentle, not hostile
we diminished her soul’s smile
since our aura as she viewed
scent of love did not exude” —Unseeking Seeker
the passersby wailed in laughter
with a blink of an eye she sought the here after
prompting hatred she'd rid and had been
gone the sun's soul beaming within
left are the pieces contusion once dealt
exemplification deep purple, blue/black welt
anticipating that it is all in the imagination
innuendo scorns, undertones as intimidation
the nuances of facial expression and body language
an undercurrent hides beneath an open bridge
the windy storm blows farther its opaque steam
whilst whispering mantras gently stream
uttering phonemes begin and she softly chants
deep breaths balm lofty thoughts further enhance
‘I choose and listen how my inner voice druthers,
and not the random opinions of others’
forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds—perfume
on the heel that has crushed it, where sweet aromas loom
the smile:
masking words of anger
from a friend
It's Halloween and as we know
It's a special time of year
There's scary things and ghostly beings
Meant to bring out fear
There's lots of innuendos
I hope you do not mind
If I can take the liberty
As some may not seem kind
They're meant to make you Snickers
And put a smile upon your face
Please forgive me for my twisted mind
If that is not the case
I'd like to know, if you'd mind
If I tricked you with my treats
Your like a tasty candy bar
I'm sure you're sticky sweet
I'll take you to the Milky Way
Or maybe even Mars
I want to squeeze you Bun so tight
My rock candy is so hard
You're like a Peppermint Patty
You take my breath away
I'll bring you years of Almond Joy
I've so much more to say
When you lick a Lollipop
It makes my poor heart race
I wish that you would unwrap me
Let's cut right to the chase
I'd place some Miniature Kisses
All around your luscious Mounds
I'd start with licks, then give you my Twix
Till you shout O Henry loud
To taste your Whatchamacallit
I would give 100 Grand
And move my Butterfingers
All across your skin
You can bet that Mikey likes it
And his Pop Rocks would explode
How many licks would it take to get
To the center of his Tootsie Roll
I'll be your Sugar Daddy
If you will let me be
I hope to Skor, at least once more
Without the Musketeers 3
I'd share with you my Payday
If that is what you choose
Then we could Rolos over
To 5th Avenue
I promise you no needles
Can I poke you just in fun
I hope you've found Good Humor
And it's the best Bar None
There once was a man from Tenerife,
Whose sunbathing was all rather brief.
But when he started to cough,
His flimsy fig leaf blew off.
While the ladies confirmed their belief.
2 / 17 / 2022.
Sponsor. Tania Kitchin.
For the contest. A Bawdy or Humorous Limerick.
Syllable counts. PS.
Innocent innuendo
Illusion turns to reality
Clay oven, fire, heat
The kiss, passion erupts
Standing in the rain, frozen heat
Your body is wet, torrential rains
The kisses become more sensual
The rythym accelerates, faster
Rain dripping down your face
I can taste your essence
I can smell the feminine scent
Your body is wet, I feel fire
The taste of romance
Simultaneously, we collapse
Innocent innuendo
~Rick Berry
I stroked his little ego 'til his head literally exploded.
Inspired by the Seeker's Little Blue Pill
for Silent's funny one liner contest
10/9/16
Innuendo .
When you want booze
and dance
you get pinches
and leers
left quizzing why
its never
from the one
you want
as requesting
that must heard
song.
When a simple
drink order
you want
to place
is interrupted
by slurring
voices saying
" hey gorgeous"
while swaying
to and fro
and nearly smashing
into that
pretty face.
Innocent victims
who
should think
more of the
clothes they
selected and
how they wore
them.
Then a victim
no more.
Maidens seek
the rhythm
loud free
uninterrupted dances
and sweet tasting
sugar like liquors.
Lad's search out
pretty young chick's
shaking their things
flirting and flaunting.
He unnerves
with his kooky moves
awkwardly in her space.
Ever so lucky
to score a
phone number
and the maybe
empty promise she
will answer.
Ecosystems are being strained
We stand alone as the culprit
Every night when I have prayed
I wake up and see they've botched it
In less than a year from now
It will reach the Atlantic
Dolphins, crabs and the sea foul
Will die before we panic
These black tides will devour
Killing pristine mating ground
Poison our shores every hour
Shutting our blue oceans down
Finger pointing will continue
Cleanups impossible, they say
Humanity's innuendo
Is riding on the tides today
Miss Toe Dipper must have her oats
Especially when on huge cruise boats
She has them each morning
Just as the sun’s dawning
When she’s had her fill how she gloats
When frolicking out on the ocean
They’ll rise up and down with the motion
As he reaches ‘top deck’
There’s love bites on her neck
These antics soon cause a commotion
She quickly puts on her sundress
And brushes her hair – it’s a mess
She feels all at sea
After her quickie
The captain demands her address!
For Misty thanks for the inspiration love BBXX
08/16/21