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Trump Hilarious at the Helm by Horn, James
Hilarious Pets by Asuncion, Bernard F.
Embarrassing Moments Hilarious Now but Not Funny Then by Roper, Eve
Hilarious us by Buckeridge, Emma
An old man was driving down the country road ( Hilarious ) by Masciarelli, Dean

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The Best Hilarious Poems

Details | Hilarious Poem |

Love In The Trenches



Now this is my definition of love
It's much like wrestling in the mud
You get down and dirty
And say things quite flirty
Then it all comes together with a thud

You scream out bloody murder together
Promise your undying love forever
Roll over and whisper
The name of her sister
Then you realize that wasn't too clever

She pummels your head without any mercy
You attempt to defend 'gainst her fury
You start to see rainbows
And a bunch of pretty halos
A ferocious little dynamo this girlie

Well eventually you recover your senses
And are able to put up some defences
You plant a big smacker
On this sweet li'l attacker
Then it's back to love in the trenches



© Jack Ellison 2015

Details | Hilarious Poem |

First Love

First Love

A man remembers his first love.
Until he finds his grave.
If he lives to be a hundred.
That's what he'll always crave.

For some it might be a blonde.
A red head or brunette.
Others are still looking.
They haven't found it yet.

For some it is those buns of steel.
We've all heard about.
Whatever a mans first love is.
He hates to go without.

There may be some who's first love.
Is in the color of her eyes.
I'll always remember my first love.
A greasy cheese burger and fries.

Make it a double patty.
With everything on top.
Ketchup, mustard, or special sauce.
Please don't ever stop.

Fries fried to a golden brown.
Thin and crispy too.
A greasy cheese burger with some fries.
No talking til I'm through.

So now you know my secret.
A greasy cheeseburger and fries.
If you want inside my heart.
Make mine super size.

Edwin C Hofert

Details | Hilarious Poem |

French Revolution PARODY

Brigitte my love
Our Country suffers of many debts
The people are restless
Whatever shall we do love?

Ah Macron, we must think past the cookies
The solutions are complex, answers evasive
Let me speak with Marie Antoinette, she shall know!
Queen of Navarre, By god we shall be saved!

Marie, Marie Antoinette our people are restless
Our republic is in debt. these are crazy times!
Whatever shall we do?
I am fed up, allons-y

Ah fear not, if they have not bread!
Let them eat Nutella!
Lower the prices
Nutella for the masses!!!

Marie, are you sure? very very sure of such things?
Oui oui, on with it, my father was emperor of Rome
Nutella will calm the masses
Come here Nemo. taste, see even Nemo is tres happy now!

And so France lowered the prices of Nutella
Thus began the nouveau French Revolution
Riots in the streets, brawling in the magasins
The uprising has began, we want our Nutella for free

The masses rose
Nutella for all, Nutella for sans prix
We are all somewhat fou for Nutella you see!
And so the masses fought each other for Nutella's liberty


Nutella one and Nut Ella all!
I swear to your Brigette
We should have given them Macarons!!!
People remain civilized with cafe and cookies! n'est pas?

Emmanuel my love, fret not
The revolution shall be quelled
Qh I have the perfect person for this
He shall restore order to our dear republic

Prey tell Brigette? Who could do such a thing now
Riots everywhere, the masses fight each other daily?
The streets are not safe
There is a shortages of Nutella now, we are doomed cheri

Non non mon amour, I shall call Alizee
She shall sing us out of the terrible mess
She is the mistress of Doug McMillion
This man can save us all!!

Brigitte, who is this man you call Doug?
Why Emmanuel he is the president of Walmart
He has squashed many Black Fridays rebellions
He shall save us all!!!!!!

From these unruly unsavory Nutella shoppers!!!!!


Vive la France!
Vive Alizee
Mange ton macaroon mon cheri
C'est ton droit et ta liberté


Translations
Allons-y = Lets go, pronounced similar to Alizee
Magasins = Stores
N'est pas is written on sound should be "N'est ce pas"

Mange ton macaroon mon cheri = Eat your macaroon cookies my love"
C'est ton droit et ta liberte = Is your right and your liberty

Details | Hilarious Poem |

Oops, It Was An Accident

Oops, It was an Accident

I accidentally let one loose
on a blind date with a guy named Bruce.
We went to the movies on that fateful day
happily carrying our snacks on a tray.
We settled down in our comfy seat
all ready to enjoy this special treat.
Things were proceeding oh so well
with popcorn, hot dogs, banana split with caramel,
when suddenly my stomach began to rumble,
and to my dismay, gurgle and grumble.
In fear, I felt the gases build up
like a once dormant volcano about to erupt.
Then helplessly, I had to just let it loose;
oh my gracious, the stench was profuse!
Mortified I wanted to drop to my knee,
but played possum so none would suspect it was me.

People started shouting such gross obscenities,
and hollering out unmentionable profanities.
One voice declared that something had died;
another indignantly wanted the stinker identified.
Someone suggested the skunk should be drowned;
I wanted to flee, but I dared not turn around. 
So quietly I sat unknown in the dark cinema,
as poor Bruce wondered aloud if someone had been given an enema.
My heart boomed forth just like a doom-drum,
I prayed no other foul odor would escape my guilty bum.
But like a clan of skunks, it lingered and stunk,
I was so afraid folks would figure out who’d made that funk.
Thankfully I was saved from public disgrace
as ushers armed with spray cans fogged up that whole place.
Gratefully I sighed, relieved that my crime
had not been traced back to me by show time!

07-09-2018

Contest:     I Accidentally Let One Loose
Sponsor:    Charles Messina
Placement: 1st

Details | Hilarious Poem |

Quacking Crackers

Donald Duck Chancellor of this fowl kingdom 
wearing an upside down smile's raging hypocrite backwards 
this deranged Duck twitters to and fro as his unhinged subjects 
unwittingly applaud him onto a victory march that never appears equal 
except in his alternate universe of oneness 
 
Calamity Jane perchance is on the horizon 
while war looms close by this feathers pride himself 
on his big show asking for a mirror to check his orange glow
he jokes and preens fading in and out so it would seem logical
tearing down all good morals he alienates with his constant magic escapades
 
 
Sleight of hand reflections move 
with this fake news it gets exposed
the big top rotates under an eclipsed lie
fire breathing condemning all those against his way
entering the arena for the next late show
 
Now Big Bird has been caught fibbing 
just when they thought everyone was safe
getting off the band wagon or so to speak
Just signing the pact with her feathered friend 
letting on they are getting on so well for the world to see buddies 
Almost joined at the hip like in their loyalty reigning over truth 
in this ungodly circus of the vainest sort
 
Where the funfair clowns abound
under fabrications an orangutan watches on 
beating his chest in an ape like manner and solid hands 
he has no way to express words
puffing and panting swaggers
living under thee umbrella protected from the truth’s influence
 
 
Alvin and his chipmunks sing the national anthem 
while the confederate flag waves goodbye over democracy
begins the three little pigs stages as they enter the building 
their houses from clay flamed with truth
ransomed for vanities sake no good ending can come

Earthquakes separate the earth
floods come with grave disaster  
hurricanes winds rise from the greatest source 
even this cannot deter or distract this awful Duck
one mission under a selfish chant of 
quack a doodle quack, quack a doodle quack, quack a doodle quack
which only translates to me 
only me, me only me, me only me!



a co written piece by Donna Loughman and Liam McDaid

Details | Hilarious Poem |

My Shoe Collection

My Shoe Collection


Shoes

Nice if you have them

Shoes

There is love
There is happiness
When the next path of your journey
You take with shoes on your feet


Shoes

I am coming out of the closet
I am not a woman
But I do have too many shoes

Shoes

Love and relationships
Why there are a lot like a pair of shoes
At times, things may stink and smell
Yet still better as a pair

Shoes

If I could walk a mile
In everyman’s shoes
I could walk forever
Never having to buy my own


Red Shoes

The Red Socks
Will never win
Without good running shoes


Blue Shoes

If only I had blue shoes
Of suede
Id be dancing with you
After the autographs

Shoes

Homeless people wish for shoes
Millionaires wish for closets


Big Shoes

My feet are so big
Ladies buy me my shoes


Shoe Sale

The man with one leg
Looks for shoe sales
At half off


The Hookers Shoes

A good hooker
Never has used shoes

Academy a Wards

Winners and losers
All complain about their shoes
Petty and jealous, the famously inane
Their shoes show their vain


Shoe Diversity

They come in many fashions
In shoes there is humanities design
We all walk the path of human strife
All Shoes matter


Celtic Shoes

Irish Shoes
Scottish shoes
Welsh shoes
All meet at the pub
So their feet can have a rest
While the mouths imbibe with chatter
If all goes well
Later on
The shoes fall off in a clatter


Miami Vice

Got the finest shoes from Miami
Found out they were fakes
Tongues were bent and crooked
Must have come from crocodile skinned tears
Mocking the homeless with no shoes over the years


The Great Canadian Shoe Trapper

The trapper goes for beaver pelts
The millionaire goes for shoes of felt
Armani makes it all the way
Only when the consumer comes out to play


The Shoeless Argentine

If you wish to invade the Falkland’s
Remember to bring your shoes
Cause your dictator has all your money
He cares not if you really lose

Details | Hilarious Poem |

I AMUSE MYSELF

When no one else is around 
I AMUSE MYSELF while sitting down
And bring myself loads of joy when I pretend to be 
A stand-up comedian amusing all my friends.

I amuse myself then.
Nothing else to do while sitting in the pews.
I might as well count my blessings, and
I AMUSE myself while confessing.

When the day is gone I'm sleeping I amuse
Myself with my nightmares as I'M screaming

I amuse myself with fun and jokes GALES of
Laughter thereafter.  FUNNY patrols the halls 
Of speckled jest. HA! I amuse myself at my
Own request.

When muscles are weak from laughters cause
I amuse myself with my APPLAUSE.
I create a funny story recite it to myself
And listen to my own glee.

I amuse myself with peals of SPASTIC 
HILARITY.  With trick and folly it's all the
Same.  I amuse myself with silly games

At the end of the day I'm amused by the moon
As though it sits beneath its HALO  laughing quietly
At me.

Details | Hilarious Poem |

Oh Christmas Tree

Oh Christmas tree
Oh Christmas tree
Oh no I’m singing to a Christmas tree

Rum eggnog in me
Rum eggnog in me
Oh no I’m singing to the Christmas tree

Oh Christmas tree
Oh Christmas tree
Much pleasure thou can give me

Oh mistletoe 
Oh mistletoe 
I’hve a Christmas tree I want to show

Oh Christmas tree
Oh Christmas tree
Oh, I just kissed a Christmas tree

Oh Christine tee hee
Oh Christine tee hee
I thought you was a Christmas tree

No more rum for me
No more rum for me

Or my wife will toss me out
With the Christmas tree


Notes: I have no wife, and I have no tree, I may have some rum, but shhhhhh

Details | Hilarious Poem |

I came Across A Jumpher

I came across a Jumpher
A jumphin’ up at me.
It wasn’t very springy
As far as i could see.

It tried to do someothersault,
Impressing like a tree,
But landed with a thumping thud
And hurt his only knee.

‘How come you like to ravel so?’
I bellied like a navel,
While on the other hand i plied
Some custard on a table.

‘I’m only giving all I’ve got-
A hundred miles an hour.
But if you take it at a trot
It soaks you with a shower.

‘I see,’ i said, came out my head,
And nodding fully clothed,
I asked if he’d seen Ninnynook?
A nose that knows no prose.

‘I likes to smell his gravy soup.’
He jumphered like a sweater,
Then driving like a five wheeled horse
Left home wrapped in a letter.

‘Good luck, you leaphing lunging loon.’
I mouthed in Granny’s gums
Then smiling like a holiday
I went to see my chums.

Details | Hilarious Poem |

Why I Am Voting Trump

Why am I voting Trump this time?
I am voting for Trump BECAUSE
he didn't start the deadly wars in
Libya and Syria, nor did he support
the brutal invasion and occupation of Iraq.

I am voting for Trump BECAUSE
he does not believe that under our
Constitution every Sunni Muslim around
the world is automatically guaranteed
an unimpeded entry into America.

I am voting for Trump BECAUSE
he does not support ISIS, Al-Nusra,
the Free Syrian Army, and all the
other terrorist groups in Syria with
money, weapons, or by bombing from
the air the Syrian government forces.

I am voting for Trump BECAUSE
under President Trump, the U.S. Air Force will
never be used as ISIS's aviation—let alone
threaten to shoot down Russian warplanes
in an insane no-fly zone over war-torn Syria.

I am voting for Trump BECAUSE
I don't want to die in a nuclear
war with Russia and China provoked
by the deranged Cold Warrior hawks
in Washington, D.C., who're seeking to
dominate every other country in the world.

I am voting for Trump BECAUSE
he will never cancel a presidential 
election his opponent has just won, 
claiming that Russia has supposedly
hacked and manipulated the popular vote.

Finally, I am voting for Trump BECAUSE
he has pledged not to be the first to
use nuclear weapons or overthrow foreign
governments during his rule—a pledge that
no other American politician has ever made.

Details | Hilarious Poem |

Poetry Crimes

Little men making laws
Little men seeking flaws
Little men laughing at the meek
Little men weaker than wounded sheep

Oh little men, come ye here
I shall score and brand you till you tear
You will whimper and cry out for the savoir
All due to your immature and cruel behavior

Details | Hilarious Poem |

The Dead Man and the Loud Hen

I shall delete my existence says the dead man
	No more do I breathe	
	No more shall I rant
	Although often I recant

I shall delete all my poems says the loud hen
	No more am I here
	I shall disappear
	Like a child with tuque over head

I shall rescind my tantrums says the dead man
	No more death for me
	For it was plainly to sobering to be
	Back to pen, oh so hypocritical of me

I shall come back using other names says the Hen
	No more logical than the other dead man
	I am the judge of the poetic world
	The laws must be according to childish wee me

We the little men who bicker and whine
We are united, our immature prettiness shines
The poetic soldier who mocks old ladies
Does he not know tiss he who is insanely crazy?

The crow will squawk his cranky banter
The songbird will fly to a more harmonic tree
The Hen will cluck and twitter and rant
All the McVillians with feathers it seems
Flocking together, oh the birdbrains do scream!

Details | Hilarious Poem |

You Said You Understood

Listen Heathcliff don’t get me wrong
but hanging with you isn't good.
You're a dragon and I'm a mouse,
last night you said you understood.

That weird look in your eye says you
want more than just a cup of tea.
Now don’t go getting teary eyed,
yesterday you almost drowned me!

I know you say you gave up meat
but honestly I can't trust you.
And whether hungry or horny
hanging around me just won't do.

You must've seen me hold my nose
so add it up man, do the math.
Just because you hate the water
don't mean that you can't take a bath.

Heathcliff it’s been a trip my man
but it is time for you to go.
And if you come back tomorrow
don't be surprised if I don't show.

Details | Hilarious Poem |

Halloween,Halloween

I shiver at the thought of being attacked by owls,
My home infested by Carols' pesky trolls,
A fire breathing dragon,flying around in the lobby,
Or a hand crawling around searching for it's body,
A hunchback with six eyes in his head,
Or zombies walking around calling themselves,the living dead,,,

I am scared of bats,turning into vampires,
Gorgons hopping around,throwing balls of fire,
Werewolves with scars,Chuckies with stitches,
And that big hairy bump on the nose of witches,
Blood running from the nozzle when I turn on the faucet,
Or skeletons and the Boogieman playing cards in the closet,,,

Right now i'm in a dark,dark room,hiding under the bed,
Features of my face growing taller,changing the shape
of my head,
Fingernails becoming fangs,eyes turning red,
GRRRR!!!it's HOLLOWEEN again,a night of feast
for the rising dead,,,

Details | Hilarious Poem |

Surfing USA


Drip drip dribble dribble
google harps- here's a fiddle
How does fuzz evolve to stubble
Here's Fred Flinstone- Barney Rubble

WON 5 DOLLARS!- now I'm even
Online poker- guy named steven
Shop for blankets- buy throw pillows 
Google hammock- weeping willows

Go to restroom- better lock it
Here's the key- brains your pocket
Keyboard's pencil- screen's your pad
Don't be a stranger- email dad

SEND to stepmom- SEND to cousin
Be specific- there's a dozen
SEND to grandma in the grave
SEND to bastard uncle - Dave

Where's Japan and where's Korea
Google maps is glad to see ya
Chat with Bennett- bash Obama
Poke your next door neighbors momma

Friend Dee Snyder- Twisted Sister
like a miss -  poke your sister
Like a sir - unfriend a mam
Search Hulk Hogan- Uncle Sam

Write your daughters third grade teacher
Bash a priest- praise a preacher
Write your mom  a prison letter
You know momma!- probably better

When your hand gets tired of typing                                                                                                                 Log on Youtube- watch some fighting
UFC- sometimes delightful
This guys girlfreinds being spiteful

Cat's in mirrors- fight their face
See some guy get sprayed with mace 
Watch that clip from Tropic Thunder
Rock the Casba- Land down under

Fight the system- Fight the power
Search for bloopers- Austin Powers
Play online and fight for glory
Man this game is too damned gory

Watch the packers play the Bears
COME ON SLACKER!-PASSING WHERE?!!
POKE from brother- INBOX sister
called your phone- you must've missed'er 

Supposed to work - be there at eight
It's almost nine- you're pretty late
Get to work- just tell them something
Man what happened?...It was nothing

Details | Hilarious Poem |

Ladder Day Saints

The Firemen were ready for their competition, as excitement did abound.
Then in flew Super Dragon, while landing, he mowed his buddies down.
Yep, he had landed tail over appetite, but of course, that they did expect.
As one lassoed him, with the hose, before he again, took the fire truck out.

Those firemen are truly fast thinkers, even when knocked from their feet.
But Dragon is on their team, so they know to expect the worst, you see!
So when Dragon breathed his normal fiery sigh of relief, they knew to…
Throw the usual bucket of water in his face, as they always, normally do!

Then everybody hugged Dragon, as he smiled, a REALLY WHOLE LOT!
For firemen are a special breed, that know how to enjoy the spice of life!
For spice, Dragon gives them, with no exceptions, every blooming time.
Wise, at the Hose Hoist, they let him blow the whistle at the starting line.

When it melted, for the Forcible Entry Event, he was given the bell to chime.
And when he got his head stuck in it… Don’t ask how… We do NOT know!
He was the Victim Rescued, when the Jaws of Life was used, to let him go.
Then they gave him a flag, to use at the finish line… to flag the winner down.

Yep! He was part of their obstacle course, as he tripped, a few, he didn’t intend!
He then became, of course, the Dummy, they carried to that Events final End.
And he was the honored spray target, on the Hose Event, later on my friend!
The Climbing the Ladder with the Hose Event… now seemed easy, in the end.

You see, Dragon being Dragon, simply doesn’t bother them… No! Not at all!
For they’re the He-Men Firemen, Quoting Dragon ‘The BESTEST of them all!’ 
And as Dr. Seuss says ‘Why fit in… when you were born to stand out.’ And…
 ‘Watch where you step. For life is a great balancing Act.’
                                   Or ‘You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.’

To that, we know, Dragons not to be missed, or he’ll accidentally mow you down!
And just so you’ll know, our Firemen are also, the best Dragon wranglers around.
They stay vigilant, and keep their eyes open, when Dragons’ around. You can bet!
For they’re The Undivided Winners, Definitely the Bestest Firemen- you can get!

Written by Carol Eastman 6-2-2016

Details | Hilarious Poem |

The Forgetful Man

O, what a forgetful man!

He forgot the wallet
in the car.

He forgot the car keys
in the restaurant.

He forgot to pay for a meal
in the restaurant.

He forgot the name
of the restaurant he went to.

He forgot where he parked
his car.

He forgot his driving license
at his house.

He forgot his cell phone
in the restaurant’s washroom.

He forgot that today is his third
marriage anniversary.

O, what a forgetful man he is!



Contest: Humor Contest

Date of Entry: 6/8/2016

Details | Hilarious Poem |

Insomniac attack

A Hindenburg-Esque explosion
Say goodbye to rationality 
While all the daily trespassers Scream!
"OH THE INSANITY!!!!"
I sleep with sinners
Weep with the saints 
I'm twice the fossil
Three times the oil
Slick as an unlit candlestick 
Hid the wick
Burn twice as bright
Burn twice as fast
If it's not to much to ask
Please don't touch
I plan to last
You spend your lives
Looking for a light
The brighter
The better
While you 
Were playing with fire 
The wolves 
Made the cellular decision 
To develop night vision
Some worms 
Who make their home 
In the ground 
Have it in their genome
To have eyes
Big surprise
They said no
We'll live off of pure sound
Ah the simple solutions 
You prefer a crutch
To evolution
Let me explain more
In the abyss 
Above the ocean floor
The fish use light 
To lure in the prey 
Others use it to confuse
The predator
So they can get away
Why do fish 
That live in the absence of light
Even have eyes
Plato was wrong
All things are swallowed 
In madness
Death is just the path
Given to the stubborn 
Given my level 
Of insanity 
I'll live forever 
I'm too crafty
Developed invisibility 
Nothing will catch me
Nor know when I come
Or where I go
Unless I need an alibi
Seriously though 
Why do those fish
Have eyes

Details | Hilarious Poem |

Fireman Competition Dragon

Dragon went to the mailbox this morn, 
And he came excitedly flying back, yes, toward the house… 
So Now, you should… be doubly, doubly, doubly forewarned.
Yep! Now, you GOTTA know… We’re in for a LOT of ensuing chaos!

Yes, He had a letter addressed to him… 
With a smile on his face and a letter in his hand…
And what, you ask, had him wearing, such bubbly, bubbly, bubbly grin?
 He’s going, this year, to the Fireman Competition, and held the invite so grand!

By Now, you must know, such excitement, so fine… 
As usual, made his fire to run, run, run… onto the letter in hand…
And that Date, and the Time? You know, that fire? Well… never mind!
Thought this would slow Dragon? No way! He’s ready, now, for that Laurel Strand.

He flew to the Firehouse, lickety- split…
Crashing into the fire truck, giving it a broken axel and 4 tires flat, flat, flat!
Leaving his head, stuck, solidly, through the window, into the trucks cockpit…
Fortunately, out ran the fire chief, to organize the rescue, of our little dingbat…

When NOTHING ELSE would work, all the firemen…
Put their feet on the door, grabbing Dragon, and they pulled, pulled, pulled!
Finally, it took old Grandpa Troll to pull his head out, by taking the door off…
And then breaking the door apart! My! What a day, I must say, THIS had been!

Then next week’s competition was explained…
As a Charity Event to enhance and outfit their old faithful fire truck!
Now a little rescue practice will never, never, ever… it’s ascertained…
Ever be turned down! And Oh My! And Oh Well! What’s that truck worth? 

That is… compared to our klutzy, little clown…
Grandpa Troll donated repairs as Dragon worked it off, day after day, after day.
My Moral is: If great you will be, then mistakes will be made along the way…
As you walk to your destiny, don’t despair; just keep going to your brighter days…

Written By Carol Eastman 5-19-2016

Details | Hilarious Poem |

The Guardians of Truth

Our college professor was waxing excitedly
in the bored classroom: “Our mass media
—America's great Fourth Estate—is an
unconquerable force for good in the world
with an unrivaled power to tell the truth!”

A dejected classmate interjected: “Yes,
but a force that's dirty and evil,” stirring
up a commotion in the hushed classroom.
Indeed, wasn't it our mass media which
destroyed a hapless President Carter?
Turned Sarah Palin into a ridiculed pariah?
Ignored Ralph Nader and Bernie Sanders?

Now our news media are demonizing Trump,
calling him a “hater” and “Putin's puppet”
in an anti-Trump orgy of vilification.
Our mass media feed the world with
a few crumbs of truth and half-truth—
along with countless tons of deceptions,
lies and truly Goebbelsian propaganda.

Isn't it our news media which are
brainwashing us that our Constitution
supposedly guarantees every Sunni Muslim
around the world an automatic and
unimpeded entry into America? Or that
Americans who support Trump are
"racists," "xenophobes," "sexists,"
"Islamophobes" and "homophobes"?

Our news media are a mighty force to
be reckoned with, but they are a force
that is corrupt, crooked, and dirty!
They lie, cheat, and twist the truth—
but they are usually so proud of it.

Details | Hilarious Poem |

Waiter and Waiting

How long will I wait Mr. Waiter?
You only brought me water,
yet I requested for ox-tail soup,
and a bowl of carrots and a tulip.
Mr. Waiter, you are not serving a rat;
I'm by all facial definitions a brown cat.
Sometimes I'm a disciplined vegetarian,
like my rabbit friend, whose Hungarian.
I'm so hungry that I can eat a whole horse;
ask my master who never leaves his house.
For a long time, you've looked at me like a ghost;
you've never seen a talking cat as your guest?
I can see your eyes so surprised with wonder;
wait until you hear the order of one Mr. Panda!

Details | Hilarious Poem |

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Animals, The Rebellion

There's whispering among the animals
They've come up with a master plan
As soon as darkness falls down upon
They're taking the place of man

This is years now in the making
To late to call the plan quits
For the comforts inside they are aching
The rebellion has arrived...this is it

First those that have been domesticated
Will slip a little summum, summum in masters tea
The shackles that have held our furry friends down so long
Will be loosened and they'll finally be free

The doors will be swung wide open
Letting their long lost relatives in
It's been years since they've been able to party like this
Gentlemen...let the festivities begin

All the people in the world when they do wake up
Will be doing it underneath open skies
The only question that will run through their minds is
Who, What, Where, and Why

While the animals will be inside frustrated
Where the 24 hour weather channel is on
Because it's nearly impossible to change channels
On the remote when you have no thumbs

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Damsel in Distress

What is the world,
But an oyster to you?
What are other people,
If not aids to help you

What purpose do you serve?
What do you know how to do?
Nothing. Nothing at all
But sit, waiting for someone to save you.

You poor damsel
Always in distress
I wish I could respect you
But you're just too helpless

Other people use their legs,
Their feet, and their brain
You know one day,
You should do the same

But you would rather be a burden
It really is a shame
I think you like to struggle
You want life to be a pain

You poor damsel
Always in distress
I wish I could respect you
But you're just too helpless

Things could be better
If you would at least try
But that means you actually have to do something,
You prefer to just cry

Cry and complain
Complain, moan and sigh
"World look at me, please!
Or else I'll die"

You poor damsel
Always in distress
I wish I could respect you
But you're just too helpless

One day I pray you learn
To do things by yourself
Instead of choosing not to move
Without the assistance of someone else

One day no one will be there
To hear you when you call
And the world won't stop
To brace your fake fall

You poor damsel
Always in distress
I wish I could respect you
But you're just too helpless

Details | Hilarious Poem |

The Great Cheddar Cheese Robbery

There were three mice, members of the mob
Wanted to retire, so planned one last job
It was deep winter and it started to snow
But they weren't deterred, and the job was a go.

Their names were Gnasher, Scratcher and Dred
And you dared not cross them or you'd end up dead
Even cats were afraid of their deadly scratch
But very soon they would meet their match.

The target they hit was John O'Neils dairy
But things were now going to get a bit scary
At the main entrance was a large welcome mat
And sprawled all across it was this mean looking cat.

Their luck was in and the cat was asleep
They ran towards him and then took a leap
There was a small hole by the front door
Soon they were in, and on the shop floor.

With some small cartons they built a bridge
Reached the door handle and opened the fridge
In the mousey world it was the ultimate goal
A rare box of cheddar cheese and that's what they stole.

Meanwhile outside puss began to wake up 
Was very thirsty and wanted a sup
Then in the snow small footprints he spied
The game was now up for the three mice inside.

He spotted the thieves and he gave chase
But they sprinted off at a very fast pace
The God of mice was looking down on them today
They didn't get the cheddar, but they got clean away.

The camera's were played back the very next day
And as the drama unfolded there were gasps of dismay
Puss was so happy his boss he did please
By foiling the robbery and saving the cheese.

O'Neil was so impressed with the actions of his cat
He rewarded him with sardines and a brand new mat
But for the three poor mice, it ended in tears
They were eventually arrested and all got ten years.