Best Chuckled Poems
My turds float like choc’late marshamallows
Just lurking about in the shallows
I guess that my butt
Is truly kaput
So doctor suggests bitter aloes
I questioned such treatment regime
Doc said it may keep my butt clean
Aloe on my finger
Won’t cause me to linger
And floaters will look like whipped cream
Doc chuckled and said “Listen here
Your floaters are nothing to fear”
Poop floats cos you’ve gas
Which is passed through your ass
No treatment’s required my dear.
DISCLAIMER - THIS IS NO REFLECTION ON THE STATE OF MY BOWELS JUST NEEDED A LITTLE LIGHTHEARTED RELIEF AFTER A VERY CHALLENGING WEEK
The perky saleslady looked at my aging bicycle
and asked if I would consider a newer model
something lighter
something sexier.
I told her, "My bike and I have a delicious history -
our past and future have merged into a single trajectory,
we're in this together for the long ride.
"I don't think of her as old, she is 'vintage'
we've been through many miles together -
seen breathtaking vistas.
"She knows what direction I want to go even before I do.
We have scars from the journey but each scar has a story
and every story brings a smile.
"Yes, we're slowing down and every ride feels uphill,
but for better or worse, she's never given up on me -
I owe her the same courtesy."
The saleslady chuckled nervously and said,
"Do you know you sound like you're talking about your wife?"
I got on my bike and said,
"I do".
Written 1 Nov 2020
With hair ablaze
a jester unconfined.
I scoffed at the mundane
its life declined.
My wardrobe
a riot
a rhapsody bold.
Mismatched socks my standard
stories untold.
In classrooms of tedium
rules I'd defy
Grasping forbidden knowledge
'neath watchful sky.
Craving for wisdom in
esoteric wells.
Chased squirrels with saws
casting fanciful spells!
Detentions for antics
the school's icy stare
Derided in classrooms
a spirit too rare.
Math teacher's scorn
a job painting lines foretold.
I retorted, "How much does it pay?"
- detention took hold.
Mom asked me why I never brought my girls home?
I chuckled and said, "They're not the type to be shown!"
The wild ones
the rebels
the ones full of flame.
Not the kind for a dinner
not the ones with a name.
Misfits my comrades
a menagerie strange.
United in chaos
defying the change.
Years danced in a blur a pantomime bright
But a disquieting word a sense of not quite right.
A whirlwind of antics a panoply grand
Impromptu escapes with career-shifting sands.
Near-death encounters with fauna
a squirrel, perhaps?
But the thrill
oh the thrill
fueled my madcap laps!
The thrill of the unexpected
a fading strain
A gnawing suspicion
a predictable bane.
The mask I had crafted
of rebellion's grand guise.
Cracked and revealed
the truth in my eyes.
The jester unmasked with a lesson I gained.
That the extraordinary in the ordinary
can be just plain.
No longer I chase the fantastical dream...
But accept the real where
beauty can stream.
For the truest defiance lies not in the fight.
But accepting oneself in the ordinary light.
So here I stand
flaws and all
unashamed.
The laughter remains though the fantasy's tamed.
With lessons in tow I'll mend and I'll mend.
Explore the mundane and find joy till the end.
For the greatest adventure
in life's simple quest...
Is finding the magic
within one's own breast.
When the night wind changes course
sending breezes from the north,
when farmer's fields lie brown and fallow
and empty ropes swing from the gallows,
when children's faces are drawn and gaunt
and earth-bound spirits wail and haunt,
when eagles scan the barren snow
and field mice shiver deep below,
The dragon stirs deep in his lair,
the townfolk sense him with despair,
the mountain rumbles as he wakes,
he spreads his wings, the valley quakes.
He snorts and breathes a sulphur fire
and eyes his cache with dark desire,
gold and gemstones line his cave,
a sea of diamonds with emerald waves.
The trees are black against the snow,
one warrior stands to face his foe,
chain mail clanking, his sword is honed,
he goes to face his fate alone.
Fire breathing, wing-spread vast,
the warrior is at first aghast,
the dragon's chest and stomach, too,
shine with gems of multi-hues.
He'd slept so long upon his loot,
he wore a jewel-encrusted suit.
He saw the warrior's weapon glint
and chuckled at this innocent.
The dragon swooped and breathed his breath,
the warrior smelled the scent of death.
Many times the dragon dove
and set aflame the fields and groves.
Lost in this game, he gave no thought
to the warrior who mattered naught,
and as the dragon flew by low
the warrior drew his mighty bow.
The bow and arrows were Elfen-hewn,
inscribed with words in ancient runes.
The warrior held his breath and aimed
and steeled himself against the flames.
The dragon saw the arrow cocked
and turned his head, their eyes were locked.
The arrow's flight was straight and true,
into the dragon's eye it flew.
The warrior was elected king,
he wore fine jewels and heavy rings,
but though he tried, he found no peace,
he'd formed some strange bond with the beast.
The corpse was plucked clean of its jewels
and all the people danced like fools,
though he was king of hill and glen,
they never saw him smile again.
BUYING CONDOMS
I was desperate to buy me some condoms
On a Wednesday morning in June
My girlfriend had made me a promise
And we were meeting up that afternoon
For she'd noticed that in my frustration
My flat....which I kept fairly neat
Now had fingernail marks on the ceiling
And teethmarks on the toilet seat
So she promised an hour of pleasure
As pleasurable as it could be
She wanted fifty eight minutes
With the other two minutes for me
Now you folks are probably thinking
Splitting an hour like that was a crime
But in my mood of complete desperation
Two minutes seemed like a long time
So I stood in a queue in the chemist's
Hoping to be quite discrete
While the lady in front bought and paid for
Corn plasters to stick on her feet
And when my turn came I was gutted
I though 'this must be a joke'
For a gorgeous young girl came to serve me
I was wanting a grizzly old bloke
Embarrassed I picked up some aspirin
But her smile put me quickly at ease
She said as she took the box from me
'Would you like some condoms with these?'
'We have them in black, red or tartan
And ribbed ones to last a long time'
'Do you have a favourite flavour?
We have peppermint, strawberry or lime'
'Flavours?'........ I nervously stuttered
'Strawberry?.......'Is that what you said?'
'These things are to go on my winkie'
'Not between two slices of bread'
She chuckled away as she wrapped them
She'd decided on tartan and lime
And smiled as she gave me the packet
Then wished me a really good time
I dashed around home in a frenzy
The minutes were ticking away
My girlfriend was coming here shortly
For our sixty minutes of play
My clothes hit the floor in a heartbeat
I put on my condom with glee
And the first that she saw, as she opened the door
Was my tartan condom and me
She screamed as the door closed behind her
Her face like a deathly white mask
Then pointed and silently shuddered,
'What're you going to do with that flask?'
I chuckled 'It isn't a flask it's a condom'
Tartan and flavoured with lime'
With disgust she turned and departed
Walking out for the very last time
So my day of passion was stifled
I didn't make it as far as the bed
And as my condoms were lime flavour
I had them with corn flakes instead
Good Sense Of Humour Blunts The Sharp Blades Of Reality Poetry
Contest //Sponsored by: Natasha L. Scragg
( 2nd Place )
Written: August 5, 2025
When life threw me a curveball,
I stumbled—then chuckled mid-fall.
Lumped knees, not pride, I wore like bent,
because sneering is something I've seen.
In chemo rooms and vestibules,
I frenzied dry jokes on aseptic walls.
Doctors simpered, nurses would beam—
a punch-line where the fear had been.
When agony thumped hard and sleep grew thin,
I let the silly light writhe in.
A meme, a whirl , a silly song—
made aching days feel less so long.
No, humour incurable or patch,
But it's the ally, not made to part.
It doesn't silence, hurt or truth,
but let me smirk with my aching tooth.
So here's my laugh, though life gushes beneath,
it's how I rise, not how I lament!
I questioned my shadow
“you followed me all morning
Now you want to lead the way”.
It chuckled as it replied:
“That was then.”
“This is now.”
Had my hair color treated
To surprise the wedding guests
Shock came at the rehearsal
Groom wanted to leave
His once-blonde bride had green curls
She’d been hoping for brunette
Oh, how the bridesmaids chuckled
Wig worn at wedding
Sadly, a true story.
Humidity
I called my love on the phone, to say hi!
Duplicating the moments around the sky
With not many things to say :-)
I asked about the climate per say
A nice way to converse,
Nonstop heat throughout the universe
Smiling, without many words to share
I stroked the phone, describing the hot air.
"It’s getting hot outside"
I'm just here Enjoying the sunrise."
--Smooth and slow the steam in Aspen has me beat
--Suddenly 99.9 degrees was the new rising heat
I chuckled and added, -looks like 100% chance of rain
Keeping myself inside, with a wetness calming sane
A new flash flood coming in
Reminding him how easy it is to slip in mud
I continued to talk and toke
Then he joined me with a joke.
Replying, with a tease.
"Wow!"
I feel the wetness over there
I would not mind taking a dive in THAT flood
Don't worry I know how to handle slippery mud
---from back to front.
It's looking gloomy out here without my love
Down here in Mandalay it drips a lot
Pure satisfaction when the climate in Aspen gets hot
Could you be kind in sending a picture of how wet it is down there?
I will call you back when the drizzling stops over here.
By: P.D. ( please judge the name, not the poem )
A feller I met with a twinkle in his eye
Quite the enigma you see.
Said, "I ain't got no dough... not a single penny!"
Said he, "ain't got no cash... not a single plug for a cup o' tea."
"Couldn't buy you no drink / not even a dime's worth of time
Wouldn't dare ask you for no drink in my silly whine."
"Never saw nothin' finer... not a sight to behold
Then, your fancy top hat... not plated with gold.
In this fine conversation... though, I confess,
I don't know nothin' much... not more or less."
"Don't know nothin' much 'bout music... not a single note
But begged the whole bar not to leave me croak
In this sea of confusion... though- I confess
I ain't got no answers, not more or less."
Confused, I just stared / mouth agape and wide
"So are you broke or not?" I finally couldn't hide.
He winked / then chuckled / a sly knowing grin
"Don't you fret none... my friend / I ain't never givin' in!"
"Never learned nothin' clever / that ain't no surprise
But I sure ain't unhappy, not with tears in my eyes!"
A poet / a pauper / a prince; his stories spun gold
Ain't nothin' like his tales / never gettin' old.
We made a bond that don't nobody understand
A friendship ain't never been seen in no other land.
The Magic Of The Oak (Part 2 of 4)
A Green and White Production
The table was set
And this you can bet
A meal that was fit for a king
They sat in their seats
All eyeing the treats
When one of them started to sing
A feast for the ear
I crept closer to hear
but hummed just a little too loud
That language unknown
Such seductive tone
They stopped and looked up, I ran out
I tripped on the mat
Fell on my face flat
They chuckled, I wished I could hide
Then helping me up
One gave me a cup
And said, “come, you’re welcome inside”
They gave me a chair
I didn't fit there
And sat on the stone floor instead
Then gobbled some soup
They all yelled: "Woop-woop"
And I ate a slice of rye bread
While looking around
Such magic was found
This place seemed to go on for miles
Enchanting indeed
My face I did feed
With food falling out of my smiles
(to be continued...)
***
July 11, 2017
Copyright © Chris Green and Darren White
I hid in plain sight
Mocked the censors
Defied the preachers
Chuckled
At their ineptitude
Took refuge
In the blank page
Hiding myself
In swirling lines
Dancing
Along the borders
Of truth
Cursed them
In muted metaphor
Defied them
In metered verse
Challenged them
In rebellious rhyme
Laughed as they counted
Syllables and iambs
Punctuated
My verses freedom
For they were frozen
And I a seething cauldron
Of love and hate
Struggling youth
Battling
The lunacy of life’s
Illusions
Thus I wrote
And hid
In plain sight
On a blank page
4/3/2023
Writing Challenge – ‘R’ Words Poetry Contest
Constance LaFrance - sponsor
I'd broken down beside the highway; my poor old car's just died,
and when I lifted up the bonnet you know I could have cried.
It’s a busted water hose, and of course I don't have a spare,
so I’m stuck here with my bonnet up and no houses anywhere.
What do I do! do I leave my car; hitch-hike to get the part,
or wait for someone to come along and let that be the start.
My decision was made up for me; a bloke pulled up behind,
and introduced himself as Eric, before - "What did you find?"
"Busted hose" Eric chuckled. "You better hop in the car with me;
I'll have one somewhere in my shed; come on we'll go and see".
He drove off the highway down a track that took us to Eric's door,
I never got a word in … Eric talked and talked then talked some more.
I thought I'd discovered 'Noah's Ark' when he pulled up the car.
Animals of all descriptions ran to us from near and far;
cattle, sheep, horses; some geese; chooks and a dog sat up to beg;
two donkeys with some goats and a pig which had a wooden leg.
Every animal is tame and everyone has got a name,
and every one expects a pat; then I needed Eric to explain.
"What happened to your little pig that has got a wooden leg?"
"Poor old Doris, We-e-ll, she's lucky", then, this is what Eric said.
“For Christmas I'd just killed the chooks; took 'em inside to the wife”.
She said “What about the leg of pork?” then she handed me the knife.
Doris ran to me with trusting eyes; right then I knew somehow,
as I placed the knife against her throat - I couldn’t kill this sow".
A friend told me that while on vacation she visited the world’s largest ball of string. It inspired me to write this poem.
A giant ball of string
It sat out in an open field
It was the strangest thing
An orb the size of who knows what
A giant ball of string
We laughed as we walked hand in hand
Our eyes were mystified
She tried to reach around the ball
Me on the other side
Neither of our hands could touch
Still inches far apart
I chuckled just a little bit
Her laughter it did start
When then I saw her look around
She wore a sneaky grin
Reached into her pocket deep
Then glanced around again
Her hand it held a pocket knife
A shining piece of steel
She then cut off a piece of string
And quickly did conceal
We ran away so very fast
Till it was far behind
Then stopped so I could figure out
What she had on her mind
When she reached out and took my hand
Pulled out the piece of string
Then tied it round my finger tight
A smile it did bring
I asked her tell me what it meant
She answered me so true
I tied it so you won’t forget
That I’m in love with you
The professor turned to me
What is infinity?
‘Neither the stars in the sky
nor the sand next the sea’
thought me
The answer, thus he:
‘Every thousand years
a bird picks up a single
grain of sand, oh-so-wee’
‘And even that
'is not infinity'
thus me
‘Jolly good!’
chuckled he