Best Chuckled Poems

My turds float like choc’late marshamallows
Just lurking about in the shallows
I guess that my butt
Is truly kaput
So doctor suggests bitter aloes

I questioned such treatment regime
Doc said it may keep my butt clean
Aloe on my finger
Won’t cause me to linger
And floaters will look like whipped cream

Doc...

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The perky saleslady looked at my aging bicycle
and asked if I would consider a newer model
something lighter
something sexier.

I told her, "My bike and I have a delicious history -
our past and future have merged into a single trajectory,
we're in this together for the long ride.

"I...

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On the night before Christmas, alone in my house, 
Sorrow gnawed at my soul, like a ravenous mouse.
Entombed in my blankets, I struggled to sleep,
Ready to snap if I counted more sheep.

I rose at the sound of scratching and creaking.
“Who’s there?” I cried, “Is it...

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"May I?" she asked motioning to my dog-eared notepad as a child might
asking for a cookie expecting to be told it would spoil her dinner
I took another swallow, my hand instinctively moved to the book 
to protect it or keep her from disappointment, maybe both

"It’s...

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The house was full
Of Gods and deities
The curtain call was soon
The water vasos were poured
And became the finest of wines
The bread multiplied
The baker you see
Was a part time magician
The fishermen all relaxed
As I saw fish fall from the skies

Ra was there
Oh my the tan on...

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Everything that’s happening this year
was all planned out.
That’s what Agenda 21 (declared as false online)
 is all about.
Documents related to the plan
are out there in the world for anyone to see.
When I first heard about it 
(long before this year, in fact)
it was ludicrous to...

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With hair ablaze
a jester unconfined.
I scoffed at the mundane 
its life declined.
My wardrobe 
a riot
a rhapsody bold.
Mismatched socks my standard 
stories untold.

In classrooms of tedium 
rules I'd defy
Grasping forbidden knowledge 
'neath watchful sky.
Craving for wisdom in 
esoteric wells.
Chased squirrels with saws 
casting fanciful spells!

Detentions for...

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I. The Hour of Approach

The poem I was writing refused to end—  
it kept writing me.  
Blood didn't ink these lines—  
the ink bled me.  
Each stanza a hidden-hematoma  
across the white of nothingness.

Somewhere, midnight faltered,  
and I was...

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When the night wind changes course
sending breezes from the north,
when farmer's fields lie brown and fallow
and empty ropes swing from the gallows,
when children's faces are drawn and gaunt
and earth-bound spirits wail and haunt,
when eagles scan the barren snow
and field mice shiver deep below,

The dragon stirs...

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BUYING CONDOMS

I was desperate to buy me some condoms
On a Wednesday morning in June
My girlfriend had made me a promise
And we were meeting up that afternoon

For she'd noticed that in my frustration
My flat....which I kept fairly neat
Now had fingernail marks on the ceiling
And teethmarks on...

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I questioned my shadow
“you followed me all morning
Now you want to lead the way”.
It chuckled as it replied:
“That was then.”
 “This is now.”
...

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Had my hair color treated
To surprise the wedding guests
Shock came at the rehearsal
Groom wanted to leave

His once-blonde bride had green curls
She’d been hoping for brunette
Oh, how the bridesmaids chuckled
Wig worn at wedding





Sadly, a true story....

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Pele shared her rage; passionate she boiled
For her love feisty, my Ke aloha 
Sweet ocean, caress... pilialoha
Massaging her beach, my waves gently toiled.

 Are you my niece, love? Young Vulcan’s sister? 
Answering, she said,  “Come… E kipa mai! 
 Who are you, Kahu? Tell...

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Two young newlyweds Samantha and Ray
On honeymoon went camping to the Bay
But as they were rocking
Strong winds came a knocking
And left them nude as their tent blew away

Both were red faced and on the ground they lay
Whilst other campers looked on in dismay
All their clothes...

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Humidity

I called my  love on the phone, to say hi!
Duplicating the moments around the sky 

With not many things to say :-) 
I asked about the climate per say

A nice way to converse,
Nonstop heat throughout the universe

Smiling, without many words to share
I stroked the...

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