Best Butt Poems
My butt crack
Is quite a split
It supports the rest of me
when I sit
you thought I was gonna say something else didn't you ?
My butt crack
Is a marvel to behold
It was cute when I was young
but now offensive since I'm old
My butt crack
Is pretty darn straight
can you imagine if it was crooked
pretty weird sight I would rate
My butt crack
Is funny to me
when I bend over in my jeans
It peeks out
for you to see
My butt crack
wanted me to write this today
for no other reason
then just to say......................
I gotta split
LOL
Eric (and sometimes not)
On Halloween night I will strut
Dressed like Jabba the Hut
Many sweets I will eat
As it is trick or treat
And double the size of my butt
I visited Doctor Longdong
Told doc something’s terribly wrong
The pain in my hip
Is giving me gyp
He said it was caused by my thong!
I admit I’ve put on some weight
Can’t resist cream cakes on my plate
My ‘EX’ boyfriend was rude …
So I’m in a bad mood
Oh stuff it ….the diet can wait!
11~08~16
Her belly reminds me of Buddha
Huge boobies just like a cow’s udder
From her mouth hangs a cig
She does not give a fig -
I’m thankful that she’s not MY Mudda!
Title refers to the cigarette butt hanging from her mouth
10/26/18
Bill prodded his sebaceous cyst
‘Twas massive the size of his fist
It spurted green pus
His wife made a fuss
“Get treatment NOW, I must insist”
Blue lighted to the A & E
Huge spurting cyst medics could see
Bill’s livid butt boil
Made doctor’s recoil
Needs lancing now, they all agree
They bundle Bill onto a table
“Don’t sedate him” said his wife Mable
I will succinctly put
He’s a pain in the butt
I’m leaving him when I am able
The medics gave Bill’s boil a prick
Green gunky pus splurts, it’s so thick
Poor Mable was heaving
She said, “Bill I’m leaving
Because you’re an ignorant dick”
“You wouldn’t seek treatment for years
Your constant moans left me in tears
I’ll file for divorce
I’m leaving of course
I’m going to live in Algiers”!
Bills visage turned ever so pale
His final breath he did exhale
The cad passed away
There’s no more to say
I’ve finished the end of this tale!
At Peter’s head I had to stare ...
His hairpiece was made of butt hair
It kept blowing off
I started to scoff
I’m gasping to get some fresh air!
Inspired by the picture posted by Anne-Lise for her poem 'Hair in the soup' and an old joke about butt hair blowing off
09/17/20
A true vision of loveliness, wiggle-bouncing down the street
Just the sight at times incites a spontaneous victory dance
Particularly when it’s in tight bike shorts perched upon a seat
And I don’t forget the way it flatters your yoga pants
It’s been with us through all our days, even on vacation
And I don’t mean to sound like a total jerk
But truly, it’s my primary source of motivation
Without it I’m not sure that I’d bother going to work
And oh, this is how I feel from the depths of my heart:
Don’t underestimate the marital benefit of your curves
There were times your backside was the only part
Of you that wasn’t totally getting on my nerves
So hold not contempt for my love of your flavor
That bubblicious booty squish-ous wifeberry deluxe
There are times it was an outright marriage saver
Some may try to deny it, but they’re ignorant schmucks
I’m sure there are shallow things that you love about me
Though saying them out loud is probably taboo
Something that you lean on when I drive you up a tree
Just ‘cuz it’s superficial doesn’t mean it’s not true
© 7/21/16
Endorphin Junkie
I was with my girlfriend at dinner
With each bite she took, she got thinner
Until she was just skin and bone
I blinked twice and I was alone
I then woke up, lying next to her
My butt is just so damn big
10 Irish men could do a jig
5 truckers could park their rig
16 Miners could plan a dig
9 drummers could perform a gig
2 Elephants could take a swig
22 college kids could do their trig
If only I’d eat less like a pig!
*For Susan's self exaggeration contest :)
It has become painfully obvious that the only way to be heard
is to pay through the nose to be a lifetime nerd,
the way to be read in on this sight
is to pay through the nose with disdain-unslight
the drivel/dribble practicum that is profound in it's reading
is a joke, sickening jest this side of profane with often open ended
vocab blur bleeding from a finger up my butt countenance, hey I can be a pooret
yet as in all ways money that talks/squalks/walk the bills
up/on cuming and its resolute intercourse interims the slash good words for the sentient freefall to the ills of my **** really mean/matters/ ratiorationale reticient/demeanor/demonstrative/destructive co cliff effervicient
sentient fecal savored poetic prickprofundity perversing on pisspoor gobetweens
prepostured with sitesucking positiveprevelance performance preludes of lifetime member promises. GoThe usual suspects figure.
As GMarx once reveled in his Libra coutenance, "I would not want to belong to a any club that would have me as a member"! So be it as u quali/quasi/qualify your
intermiserable inputs from lowly wantobe"poets"? Really, where do you get this chum encrusted fecal crap?? Love, beholding, misery, misertudes of life and sequesters of social misfitted miserdoms as to your innane, irrelevant, idiotic, interpretation of the serial social merits of human america and its poetic sense, and the globe as it is. I haplessly hope that in the humo state of written wrongs that u hate my stuff sur-plenty of desolution row and the good of for what it's worth in my non sequential birthday of sixty something nothings per social senses.
my money nevertalks, even on this lice level. D--aaamn.
Never let it me be told that for me
to be hold in an equal fake frequence with all of the hard-on Dr. Filth viagra statue status that I can speak from my borrowed loaned loins and be heard to a pro poem status dollar of signoff significance.
I know I am being obtuse and indifferent as I don't want to play the $$$ poe whore game that would catapult me to the upper stratosphere of a poetic Zeus, Oden and the like in your eyes, as talent not matters. WTFE. But alas
keep me in your prostratic/pussitic poetic poison prism, Dave. "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers". Otherwise, FU. Keep the faith.
Ned was grandma's billy goat,
The meanest goat in town;
Every time you crossed his path,
He'd try to butt you down!
Buddy was our neighbor,
A twisted lil' teen;
He always nagged that billy goat,
For that's what made him mean!
Fate caught up to Buddy,
We had an awful scare;
He slipped on muddy soil,
With his butt in open air!
Ned saw his target,
"KA-THUD!!"...was all we heard;
Buddy flew across the way,
I could swear he passed a turd!
Buddy tried to squeeze himself,
Between a wooden gate;
Mercy failed to comprehend,
By then, it was all too late!
Trapped like a weary mouse,
Bud's rump in open view;
Ned landed fifty thumps,
His butt turned black n' blue!
It took us all to save him,
Talk about a battered fig;
All the while he was screamin',
Like a frightened little pig!
Hot baths and epsom salts,
A lesson Buddy gained;
He slept beneath a ceiling fan,
To ease his throbbing pain!
Oh, what a laughing stock,
We teased him constantly;
"BILLY GOAT!!", we'd often cry,
Just to watch him flee!
Basking on the sun-lit ice.
Walrus mumble filled with hype.
Today I haven't a thing to do
(that's nice)
But fish, butt-wipe, butt you.
A boob man I could be.
Yours do titillate me,
so jiggly and bouncy.
The two of them and me,
a love triangle we.
But your butt's what sends me
skyward. My ecstasy
comes when I get to see
that vertical cleft be
creased horizontally.
Those two mounds' little 'v'
that sits like a cherry
on a Sundae ought be
against some law. A 'Pee-
ping Tom' it entraps me.
Odd parts entice. Dimply
knees charm, and those curvy
flanks get me all squeezie.
But you bent overly;
Wow! That's pure poetry.
*2nd place in F Hererra's contest 'Erotica' 11/30/11.
I inserted a suppository right after I had been using super glue.
My hand is stuck in my butt and I don't know what I'm going to do.
When I went to the hospital, the doctors and nurses laughed.
They were in hysterics from laughter and they called me daft.
When they laughed, it offended me so I kicked the doctors below the belt.
They kicked me out and blacklisted me because they didn't like how it felt.
Because of my problem, I can't drive a car or ride my bike.
I can't afford a taxi so to get to places, I have to hitchhike.
The drivers also laugh and I have to slap them to make them keep their mouths shut.
It's been three years and I don't think I'll ever be able to get my hand out of my butt.
(This is a fictional poem)
Someone on the subway’s playing a butt tuba,
whoever this boob is, his flagellant notes stink.
And when some borrow-or-rob panhandler gets off,
I fine-tune my radar and sit next to the door.
I switch to my doom mood as the farts continue,
I can't tell if it’s a mister or a madam.
Whoever's smelling like a bucket of dumb mud
their pungent odor is worse than dog doo, good God!
I should refer this to someone; it's hard to breathe
it’s getting out of control, and dammit, I’m mad!
When the awful smell follows me to street level
I begin to question, is it, I? It is I!