Best Ard Poems
Well guys I’m going to tell you a secret
You don’t really know me
I have not been honest
I am not who I say I am
Yesterday I discovered the real me…
I’m a ninja – yes honestly I’m a ninja
I have proof from www.anagrammer.com
Ninja Salol …………………….…..Jan Allison
So I thought I’d have fun with a few names here
Hope no one is offended.. but they are quite amusing!
Casual Pull …………………...... …… Paul Callus
Diarrhetic Ande ….…………….Andrea Dietrich
Archaean Cans …………… …….Casarah Nance
Ard Man ………………………….......……. Armand
Hmm is Tit ……………………....…….Tim Smith
Savour Hart ……………………...…. Arthur Vaso
ill can Jokes ……………………....….Jack Ellison
Hencoop **** ………….….….…..Shane Cooper
Horny Rash Ram ……….………Harry Horsman
Lycra Nim ………………….…......……. Lyric Man
Go Mercurial Ire …………….….Maurice Rigoler
Peer over………………………......….….Eve Roper
Ramshackle Cure……………. Earl Schumacker
Salutes Sir…………………………....….Lei Strauss
Mercy Tis So ………….……....………Mystic Rose
Can Hear Microchip………Charmaine Chircop
Upgrade Gent…………………….….Peter Duggan
Warrants Done……………..….. Darren Watson
Sit Leprechaun................... Paul Schneiter
9th February 2015
J imi, a talented guitarist
I n the world of Rock
M ade young girls cry
I n his world, how he shined!
H ard wired to play
E arly love for guitars
N ever found Nirvana
D ying each day, endless pain
R iding strings of his music
I n his mind, demons taunted
X iting too soon, young legend!
A list of names this contest needs
But what to pick to serve this deed?
I'll use the census - names top ten
And express my wisdom - pseudo zen
Surprised by sudden traffic jam
Essential for your brakes to slam
Shake up nitro just a taj
Oh no earned my Darwin badge
When let down by dear heartthrob
'erts a lot, so have a sob
Reported UFO not cosmic
Ha! Elastic frisbee con trick
Punctuation, spelling, grammar
Your language wood and nails and hammer
I know what's best - I break your will
I am your boss - now take your pill
Beware of other's dark agenda
Video the truth offender
Here's a scheme to make you rich
'ard resist my conman's pitch
When drinking up a mug of char
Less is more and near is far
A flute, two drums and three banjos
Ephemeral - pluck, bang and blow
My names are split, word sin definitive
Yet just as sound as split infinitive
My English slang and lingua pidgin
Yet sage enough for fake religion!
Entry for "what's in a name" contest
Uses top ten names from US census: James, John, Robert, Michael, Mary, William, David, Richard, Charles, Joseph
GRANDMA’S ROCKING CHAIR Pt 1
Grandma sits in her rocking chair,
Wisps of silver in her hair.
She sits me on her voluptuous lap,
As tales of yore she does recap.
Id touch the whiskers on her chin,
“You’re growing a beard” I’d think with a grin
Her lavender scent wafted through the air
As Grandma sat in her rocking chair
A lacy handkerchief on her chest
As the babies fought for the teats on her breast
The milk dried up, there was nothing to eat
Grandma would take in washing to make ends meet.
Granddad had gone away to the war
Then a telegraph man came to the door.
He would not be coming home again
No more thrill of meeting him off the train.
Grandma knew she had to go on
For the sake of the kids she had to be strong
She would knit and sew, wash and clean.
Polish the shoes with spit to make them gleam.
The kids carried a pie to the bake house one day.
What no cooker you ask? Oh dear no way.
On the way home they dropped the pie
Will we get a good hiding they’d cry?
Yes times was ard, and they were poor
No money coming through the door.
Bu Grandma said that she was rich
How come I thought as she gave me a kiss?
CONTINUED 21st June 2008
Grandma rich, how could this be?
I thought as she rocked me gently on her knee
The children’s mouths got harder to feed
Clothes and shoes were their main need.
As the moon and the stars shone outside so bright.
Grandma would sing to the children every night.
For dinner was a Yorkshire pudding so round
It would fill them up without a sound.
Meat was a luxury, twice a year
No sweets no treats no toys no beer
But love and care given beyond recall
Were the greatest treasure of them all
So as Grandma rocked in her rocking chair
She taught me a lesson beyond compare.
I learned about, compassion, care and love
The RICHEST thing from heaven above.
I hear the creak of the rocking chair.
I look but Grandma is no longer there.
The smell of lavender wafts through the air
As I sit in Grandma’s rocking chair
I'll tell ye of me life as a pirate
I knows ye sees me as some old codger
But when I was a young'n matey
I sailed 'neath the Jolly Roger!
Oh, it's truth I be tellin' ye now
'N ye may think that I be a loon
But I talk so rever'ntly 'bout me ship 'n Cap'n
For in truth, 'E made us dance a lively tune.
'E wore a patch o'er one eye
'N had a hook where fingers grow.
When we 'eard the thumpin' of 'Is peg leg on deck
We knew some ship 'd be given up 'er cargo.
We'd be a'squintin' 'ard at the 'orizon
'N 'Ed call for 'Is telescope to measure
If the sail that we'd come upon
Mightn't be a ship full o' a'rn kind o' treasure.
Then we'd sail up nice 'n cozy
A'fore 'Ed run up the bones on black.
But by that time matey
They could not withstand a'rn attack.
"Shiver me timbers, All hands on deck!" , came 'Is shout
For 'E was a Taker 'n ne'er a Giver.
It's many a time me eyes 'd see 'Im
Cuttin' out some poor soul's liver.
Oh, some tried to fight,
The foolish tried a runnin'
But the Cap'n made well sure
They'd get a'rn full broadside gunnin'.
We'd jump o'cross the ratlines with daggers a'tween a'rn teeth
Oft times we'd skewer the entire crew
Then take 'ER plunder aboard a'rn vessel
'N sink t'othern down to Davey Jones...so thar'd behind be left no clue.
Then the Cap'n set sail for Tortuga
Thar be plenty of Rum 'n Women for us thar
Ye still don't believe I was a pirate?
All I can say is..."ARRRRRRRRRR"!
I once knew a poet called William,
Of renown was this Stratford lad.
A writer of plays and sonnets was he
And his gags, they weren’t half bad.
Now Queen Liz wanted him to join t’ army
Cos she’d ‘eard pen was mightier than t’ sword
And if this were really true
She could well beat Spanish horde.
She pictured Will as a warrior;
Well his last name was Shakespeare,
And she thought that the Spaniards ‘d tremble
If they heard that he was getting near.
But he didn’t impress Raleigh or Drake.
Two more of Liz’s great band.
“We’ll not have nonce what writes poetry and prose
On any of the ships we command”.
So William the bard got barred
He did not get on board with his sword.
And though William the bard thought he was ‘ard
‘is sword was more bawd than broad.
Now ‘ed written about the King ‘eneries,
One of whom was Liz’ dad
And remembering ‘enery’s fondness for ‘eads
‘e ‘oped she never got mad.
One day the Spanish came visiting
As Drake, his bowls he did play.
He said “’ey up lads ‘ave you come for a scrap?”
And they said “Si” and “ole”.
Now at this William felt miffed
And sat down to write a sonnet
He had enough in the lines he’s allowed
To put enough emphasis on it.
He sculpted his verbs and his nouns
And his insults were quite that of a predator.
They cut and they thrust as from the masts they were read
Such was his iambic pentameter.
Against this the Spanish had nothing.
Back to safety they quickly retreated.
Of William they roared and they cheered,
Never before has an enemy been so forfeited.
Now Liz and the court were impressed.
Never before had a battle been so fought.
No blood had been spilled nor gunpowder fired
And of mayhem and killing there was nought.
Honour had remained intact
And the victory was ours.
The pen had proved mightier than the sword
A fact admitted by the disavowers.
Rusted and Busted Contest
Sponsor: Casarah Nance
BRONZE BEAUTY
Blighted inside the eyes of the ones who are blind
Rusted and marred but remarkable in my mind
Obliterated beyond repair, but extreme charm I find
No one can see the potential I see while inclined
Zesty and raggedy with a strange history behind
Exhausted vehicle holding such elegance refined
Bronzed full of memoirs from accounts of transportation
Embarked on a journey since the original assimilation
A standard modern example of weathered oxidation
Utterly surprised from the ol’ days of junkyard compilation
Throughout time scraps become an art of the generation
Yard-fills of old automobiles carry exquisite rustication
Date Written: June 22, 2016
On the beach he sees among the crowds
Nebulous drifters who act like clouds.
They're beach-sitting to carry out schemes.
Hard-hitting waves followed by extremes -
Earsplitting voices - can they be screams?
Beach cops are like overanxious moms,
Every suspicious act - a time bomb.
Always watching out for out peeping toms,
Carefully checking each pier with qualms.
Honor the beach cops for keeping calm.
-
"Damn Bird"
All the King's Corsairs & Grand Sailors them all!
Went to winds in efforts enthralled~
Ken o'lone sailor whot's ayre so then gone~
Nay naught e'er whot's seen any day's dawn~
For once they did'st sail seas then so steep~
Naught o'fear o'anywhot's ayre 'er deep~
& the corsair's king has gone off to sleep~
Arrrrggh...then did'st a'come a'thunder & gale~
Off far away from a distance seen her sail~
Sloop sleek & stealth by her wake~
Hard into harbour fast did she make~
'Round embattlements under cannons hard roar~
O'er her topmast that damned bird did soar~
Eye at meown & hard as cobalt~
As if it all were meveryown fault!~
Now did'st damn bird aloft at me back~
Find in me mainsheet a tad o'such slack~
As to lay 'er booms wind'ard & set all a'back~
A'baft shall we then ride as one with a tide~
Blown 'ard fer lee shore & set to 'er rail~
Damn 'er foine line settles well in tall swell~
Cut now merry little sloop o'er those waves~
Fer damned if ya don't ye be a landsman & knave~
Begone silly bird yer toime 'as run through~
Such glass as ye know 'tis known but by few~
For all such 'as sailed seven seas~
E'er 'er tantrums & fury to please~
For all then they whot's e'er a'sea~
Such sea whot they didst tease~
Nay~Nay~ Off with ye now~
Damned bird 'overin' at me bow!
Ne'er ne'er shall a day be again~
Whot ayre me 'ad call any damn bird me friend~
Feathers whot 'as all they got good~
Better yet whot's ayre them's all but food~
Off'n me rigging damn bird ye drat~
Off'n me spars whot 'ave ye that~
Out from me cabin & away from me bow~
Out or I'll be a'chasin' ye now~
Woe be damn day whot brung such a bird~
Not ne'er o'such 'ad e'er been 'eard~
Chewin' me spars & flailin' me lines~
All round me boat & under me chines~
Where be me wind to blow off this beast~
When does me waves take away this tiny feast~
Send me a monster of feathery touch~
If'n me 'as to be put up with such~
Off damn bird & outta me 'air~
Out with ye now I'll give ye a scare~
Fly like an Eagle so ye say ye do~
Ne'er no Eagle were that which ye knew~
SeaWolf
©
Weighty sins grab me;
Crippling me from what I seek:
Close proximity.
On my own I fail,
without any scrap of worth.
I'm self defeating.
I scream out to you
with rage that strips my voice bare,
hoping that you hear.
There is no reply,
as if you abandoned me
to rot in my state.
Be swift to save me.
Be ready to lift me up.
Be quick to forgive.
I still feel the pain,
and hot anger tow-ard you,
though you are my health.
Replace my raw filth
that devastates every word,
keeping me from you.
Please don't hesitate
by delaying my rescue
because of my pride.
Your grace is life's breath.
Without it I suffocate
with it I'm sustained
Please answer my prayers
and forgive me of my sins.
Have me feel your love.
Hard hit on the inside with a devastating impact
Ending a pleasure once enjoyed and cherished
All events in this situation presents with a heavy baggage
Rendering sadness to a degree nature avoids
To meet a turning point in life’s book of experiences.
Breathlessness, the soul suffers from a mourning mind
Ravaging condition from death, failed love or betrayal
On a heart on total submission to the vanquished blessing
Kicks, felt from the torments of good memories
Enslaving in thoughts, imaginations, questions and wishes
None giving an answer as the only way forward is to move on.
You lay in the surf waiting for me
Although Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr we could not be.
Trying at love with the incoming tide
Kelp and seaweed stuck to my side.
"Great gods", thought I, as I wrote the rhyme
Use "Adonis" and "Poseidon" from another time.
I'll let love be the center of the poem I write
And show all who read it, my emotional insight.
The pounding of the waters blue
Will be my metaphor of a love so true.
And I'll have to sex it up a bit
For passion plays a big part in it.
I will use "penetration" and words like "breech"
To add to that image of us on the beach.
With the romantic beginning I have said
And to the altar of love that I've been led.
Because I finish with our pledge on the shore
The reader will always want to have more.
So, the green eyed girls will be my poetic night
And close the verse, so crisp and tight.
Note: It took sum lookin' fer me to find,
Which of yer verses to redo in kind.
I be such a nut on rime y'see...
This'n be the one fer me.
Not only be the words of it I do,
But "Glad Tidings" title caught me good eye, too!
'Cause it be 'ard fer me to act on yer quirk,
Me spleen to trash one o' yer better werks.
As I be not 'fraid of a few typed words,
Trashin' me stuff as if'n they be turds.
So, 'ere y'ar matey, me own attempt whilst I be sprawl,
To change them words that ye did scrawl.
Me words 're somwhat boggin'
'Cause me be thinkin' what was in 'er noggin'.
And if'n ye take offense at me 'ritin' a bit,
"RRRRRRRRRRR emember that ye asked fer it!
OOB = Out of Business
OOT = Out of Town
OOL = Out of Luck
ARD = All Run Down
OMG = Oh My God!
WAB = What a Bod!
OTL = On the Loose
OTJ = Off the Juice
OOO = Out of Order
ATB = At the Border
MAD = Much Ado
ABOUT YOU!
Bloomin Eck,Bloomin Eck !
I just got mi-sen a job.
A mista wants his coal in,
An offed me a bob.
He told me if a hurry up,
A can chop some stiks an all.
But if tha wants another tanna,
A gorra mek um small.
He watched me gerrin coal in,
He anded me a shillin.
If tha wants that extra tanna lad,
Them bags o stiks want fillin.
A BOB and a shilling were the same value
Equivalent to 5 new pence(12 old penny's)
A tanner was 2 1/2 new pence(6 old penny's)
25/6/2022
Flibble me flabbles walk me decks~
O'speed & grace & o' them wrecks~
Ye ayre whot's roight 'tis such a'fright~
Great White runs deep & up tonight~
Lee ayre naught but weather gone 'round~
Yer vessel she's stout 'er keel yet sound~
Trade 'er not fer bright boards o'glass~
Put not o'er side yer frilly young lass~
Sands moight be white & mayhap oft black~
Sail well 'ard to wind'ard & ne'er a'back~
Genies o'bottles magicians all~
Ne'er down o'heavens stars may fall~
'Til nights ayre bright & days ayre dark~
'Twil then in me wake I'll set 'em a'spark~
Me cannon's whot's ready & 'er barrel be 'ot~
Fer landsman I ain't ne'er & not!
Cheers-yer-Ears o'heard well 'round~
Whot ayre whot's seas steep ayre a'bound~
Me ship 'er rails mayhap yet be down~
Fer 'twould me krewe wish a'first bein' a'town!!!
Chasin' ports wenches.... kissin' 'em a'bold~
Folklore grand as to children 'twill be told~
O'Corsairs & Pyrates & krewes o'brigands~
Fer me ship when goes down she'll go with all 'ands!
Poseidon Neptune Atlantian Mermaids~
O'all those seas ayre whot's them's made~
Them whot's chucklin' fer so as we play~
Sailin' our great ships fore'er & one day!
Aye mayhap so whot's our dreams be a'miss~
Fer naught sailor needs but a'plenty o'kiss~
Nay not so sayeth seas so deep so green~
‘Tis life whot's best or so 'twould seem!
SeaWolf
©