I called out to Death
And Death answered me
I cried out for his embrace
And he comforted me
I poured my heart out to Death
And he invited me to dine with him
For the two months I visited Death
I was at peace
I danced with Death and I felt free
Oh how i wished to dance with Death for all eternity!
To be one with him and to live with him
But alas, 'twas not to be
For the two months I was Death's guest
I never once thought of the ones i left distressed
Death had given me an escape from the mess
But looking back now 'twas not for the best
Through my waltz with Death
I caused more harm and no good
Never once looking back
Regret, a foreign taste upon my tongue
Now, Death's cold kiss is engraved on my neck
A reminder that dancing only leaves you with sore feet and a sore neck
A mark I will carry
Till the end of my days
My health, in shambles
My relationships, beyond repair
My self-esteem, in the gutters
And still all I can think of is 'my'
I have caused more harm than good
And learnt that dancing is best left for those called to dance
For I cried out to Death
And Death answered me
Oh mother.
You can’t be wrong?
Your word commands the power of God.
Oh mother.
The fool you made!
The child who sat alone in self made dungeons and caves.
Oh mother.
How can it be?
The child that smiled now lost as lost can be.
Oh mother.
You can’t run away.
You can’t fight against things you had no control over anyway.
Oh mother.
The need was then.
The broken boy’s attempted suicide confessed to you, you turned away.
Oh mother.
What will the neighbours say?
You think that of me? Your child that bleeds.
So, what do you say?
‘You’re better off dead than gay’.
I've been hurt before
Heartbroken by another
I've been depressed
Laying alone in tears
Crying on the bathroom floor
I've even attempted suicide
But
Never have I ever wished pain upon another
Never have I ever wanted to see some else's tears
For
I know sadness
I've known it for years.
I'm a hypersensitive man
I've felt the pain of another
More than a few times
So
I know how it feels to hurt inside
But
As
I grow older I'm starting to see that all of that pain wasnt meant for me
[this poem was written after grandson's attempted suicide]
God will never fail thee, He will not forsake,
His eternal covenant will never break.
Resting on His promise, you need never fear--
God is all sufficient for the coming year...
NanNa
the daughter of a certain (blank) attempted suicide today
(blank) is now frozen with fear and angry with herself
i told (blank) that it is nowhere near her fault
(blank) tells me that (blank) wants to be alone right now
i give (blank) space and reflect upon my life
my meaning and my purpose suddenly question my every intent
i want to run away from the truths that are revealed in the spotlight
however i know that the diamond stone of it all will never be moved
i cuss myself out for complaints and my selfishness
an immediate appreciation begins the slow process of changing me
all of a sudden (blank)'s arms wrap around my waist from behind
i turn around to hug (blank) and remain that way until....
When we met
I couldn't forget
Its not what it seems
Staying up late talking about dreams
You were on my team
How can i forget when we rode together
On our bikes in the bad weather
When i heard you were kind
Love is what we wanted to find
Left walking on a path that left us blind
Time is fast time and time is slow
But when i tell you Dawson you can grow
When i heard you died
It left a deep divide
When i heard you attempted suicide
I know your stuck in eternal sleep
Striking feelings so deep
It has never felt so clear
But when you wake up I'll be here
I feel like I'm at the end of my rope,
And I can't find any hope.
I have some deep depression,
And carry lots of repression.
Sometimes all I have to show,
Is my confidence that is low.
A couple of times I've attempted suicide,
I failed and my brain I probably fried.
I'm glad I did not succeed,
For me that would have been greed.
I will forever live with this,
But it doesn't hurt to wish.
The depression I try to fight,
It takes all my might.
There are days I have woke up feeling whole,
And feeling good in my soul.
But my life I can really make hard,
Especially when I don't trust and put up my guard.
Everyone wonders why,
But please believe I really do try.
I wonder what every day will bring,
And on good days my heart will sing.
Today is a confusing day,
So in my room I will stay.
I am but a living matter, with no much giving wonder
I’ve seen my birth twice, all after an attempted suicide thrice
I still weed and weave, that is, think and compose
Yet I am still but willed to be still.
Ignition in my struggle have seen my daring heart through
I still and possibly, will write with no much height
In me I see the silent child-like Emily Dickson, still doing my fiction
Still, creating, hoping, losing and breaking my skeletal friction
I know rejuvenation shall get me there
Where the hearts grill with cheer.
I’ve crawled to the lands Far East, then Far West
To the North and South Pole
In my interactive intractable mind of imagination
Yet to lose but to give I’ve captured the silent mourning
Of many unable, disabled, able-less people
I’ve coined the immaculate wealth and health
Of many reliable very able people
And still to be real, I am but still.
Written 2006
Just the young thoughts of the young mind
Pain Of The Night
There is a short story of Hemingway’s
Called “A Clean Well-Lighted Place”.
An old widower in a small Spanish town
Nightly frequents a café until it closes down.
Behind his back, some of the waiters deride
Him, because the widower had attempted suicide.
One married waiter complained repeatedly,
That because of him they couldn’t ever close early.
However one older waiter had more sympathy,
Because like the old man, he had no family.
The old waiter understood that pain in the night,
Could be held back in a place that’s clean and bright.
I remember when I was single and free to roam,
And later as a soldier deployed far from home,
That old message of Ernest Hemingway’s
About needing a clean well-lighted place.
Without love and family, life seems just sleep and work.
Solitude is most oppressive sitting in the dark.
Our connection to others helps keep us alive;
Gives us meaning and a reason to survive.
So if you have nobody, and feel the pain of the night,
Surround yourself in a place that’s clean and bright.
I've tried to forget those times,
Those times I attempted suicide.
I hated my life and I was depressed, ya know...
My depression was bad and I just wanted to be alone.
I acted my way through life,
Went out with a smile and said I was “fine” and “alright.”
Even though I knew it was all a lie.
Not just to them, but to myself,
I thought after a while I’d believe it, well....
I had no positive energy flow,
What I had gone through, no one would know.
No where near the whole story, I wouldn't dare,
Why pour your heart out to those who don’t care?
I've tried to forget those times,
Those times I attempted suicide.
I hated my life and I was depressed, ya know...
My depression was bad and I just wanted to be alone.
What questions did I ask to get where I am?
I live in a new world that I cant understand.
No matter how hard I try, there's something inside,
That's blocking my mind... from comprehension.
I've had to be strong all my life for everyone else,
I never had the time to be anything for my self.
Here I am twenty-three,
I don’t even know who I am, my identity.
I must start anew, relearn my life differently,
Be happier and find who I am... just maybe...
I see you standing there with fingers gripping your Merlot
Sipping tastefully you make small talk,
But observing your facade of pleasantness I watch distant eyes travel to the sky
glistening with stars that hang low.
You seem so strong and confident in the faces of those around you
You watch most with envy as they slow dance and talk amoungst one another with
actual happiness. Unlike yourself.
You are cold inside but fear to yell out throught the noise, to voice your hurt would
be attempted suicide in your mind.
Though you cannot hide it from my eyes
I have seen it flash one to many times through your face.
You need to reach out and let go,
though you won't because it's weakness to you
it shows hurt
and you are to tough to be hurt or inflicted by words..
Winter-2007
I lost the most precious thing,
When all of a sudden the season changed.
And then you were gone,
Gone for so very very long.
So I attempted suicide,
Longing for a free ride.
A free ride away from the pain,
That keeps coming back again and again.
Spring-2008
Spring wasn't any better,
As the season grew wetter and wetter.
Tears fell down like rain,
Showing everyone my pain.
I still saw Him every day,
As the pieces of my heart were ripped away.
And as I broke down,
His world continued to go around.
Summer-2008
I dated other guys, sure;
But in the end they did me no good.
I couldn't stop thinking of you,
Because none could love me like you.
You were the best person I ever had,
And when you left me I felt so bad.
I didn't know what to do,
And it was obvious that I couldn't stop loving you.
Fall-2008
The bitter cold wind came back,
As the leaves changed from green to black.
And as everything died around me,
My heart was not beating.
It had frozen solid way back when,
When you were no longer my man.
And as Fall fades to Winter,
My breath will be hindered.
I can't make sense of this head of mine
I feel hopeless, running out of time
I should've died, my only wish
I just don't understand all of this
why does God want me to live
I'm alone, I have nothing to give
scars of white, tears of red
I can't make sense of this head
cuts break open, mouth gone dry
I don't get it, I should've died.
In my deepest sleep
I toss, I turn
Warriors
In this awkward time scale
I rest, I burn
A tiresome suicide
On my face
Against my pillow I lay
Breathe I cannot
Feel, no, I cannot
Seems I’m in a fixed spot
My graven lay
If you could see
The misery upon my face
It’s getting hot
And I cannot breathe
My attempted suicide
My souls exempt
Yet threatening to leave
Some one, anyone
Please turn me over
For I cannot breathe
It’s over, goodbye
No wait, I can feel my flesh
For I have been given life once more
Now awaken my eyes
Rise from this pillow of death
And have once more
A reviving breath
I've come so far
Grasping nothing more that memories of a fading star
In Search of a sanctuary other than a bar
A place where I can lay my head
Somewhere to I can rest my deepest thoughts
And shelter the molecules we shed
The troubles in this life of mine
The lover in this wife of time
Another christmas spent alone
Attempted suicide
But I'll never get to wake to a white dawn
Two stretches from a great moan
A few timely expressions from going home
Misery substituted for family time and childhood smiles
My only passion to carry on
How can I wipe your tears when no body loves me
So selfish, yet I'm only human
And it seems everyone looks above me
If I could look back it would all be past tense
Instead I sit here and swallow this glass of nonsense
I could only dream of egg nogg
Pushing through snow that covers my legs in the fog
Christopher Kringle
Spreading that warm feeling that tingles
That precious tune from bells that consistently jingle
Maybe it's all make believe
And maybe the cold winter nights won't take my sleeves
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