Just a Little More Me: preview

Was raised religious But I wish that I weren’t Having something to believe in Gave me a reason not to believe in myself I stopped about 12 When I fell into myself Realized I liked the universe more than any god Does that make me a devil? Don’t really care because my cup is still half full Diagnosed at 14 but felt it from 10 These poisonous whirlwinds just stuck in my head I wouldn’t say I struggle because I’m really quite good at it Suppress it and drown it just like any addict But my addictions aren’t tangible solids and liquids More like mental misery and self-loathing and feeling like I deserve it I’d see a lightning-struck tent in the middle of the woods Say, not much of a shelter for not much of a girl I’d rest there all night with beetles festering and twigs pricking my skin And I’d wake up and I’d do it all over again Got me some liquid in a measuring cup Felt guilty for still bargaining with death to give up Was offered some pills but was too scared to take them Didn’t want to choke and die without my will written I cut my hair and closed all my blinds Played metal music from 9 to 5 I always thought it was too loud And I still do But sometimes the loud things are the only ones that get through Once a song told me I can’t be saved from the sins I’ve ignored I stayed up till dawn writing poetry as it poured And thought, do sins still exist, if I don’t believe? I guess when I stopped I was granted a “get out of jail free” card Maybe that’s why I could finally breathe I tried to pray one day but didn’t know what to say It feels like I was betraying a personal commitment to this day To shut out and lock out things I can do without Once I start adding things to the list I get overwhelmed with self-doubt Sure, it’s true, that I shut out positive things to lessen my load But my life is mine and I learned that all on my own I don’t want the influence of a god that seems to persist And I don’t need religion to know the devil exists view the rest on wattpad @maniasombrero :)