I know I seem like an angsty teen that's a brat, but just hear me out. You don't know me. You don't know me as well as you think you do. you can't read me like a book. You don't know what that glint in my eyes is. You don't know that I most likely have or had depression. You do know that I have anxiety, but maybe you forgot the word social. You don't that I'm constantly worrying about being judged. I've tried revealing these things to you, but it's a little hard so I try dropping hints. From the music I listen to the to the poems I've read to you. But I never told you about one thing. Trust issues. I have trust issues. And you know what. You caused them. It's hard for me to trust people and let people in and have people be my friend, because the one person I thought I could always trust, shattered it into a million pieces. Home life was bad for a while, but when 'it' happened, I became secluded. I isolated myself. Well it wasn't hard to be alone seeing as I had no friends at the time. I was a recluse for months. I bottled up all those emotions. I half let it out but I never fully let go. So I got a bigger bottle. One and a half years later, that bottle needs to be enlarged, but oops, there's not s larger size. It hit me all at once. The depression, the anxiety, the fear of judgement, the trust issues. And guess what, you'd probably blame all those things on vitamins. You don't like vaccines so I have to miss three weeks of school before I can get the medical exemption because of a badly timed appointment. The backlash? Bad grades when I get back. I'm trying. I was just about to turn in all that work. I had an A just a day ago and then she messed it up. I'm trying, and I'm trying hard. And I'm stressed. And you're just adding to that. You yell at me, it's all you talk about to me. Right when I get back from dance practice you lecture me on vitamins or talk about school. So I cry in the bathroom. And I cry and cry and cry. Mom you've caused me so much pain and suffering. We're not a normal family. We have a past. I've suffered from so many things you've caused. My sanity is dwindling down to the last thread. And you know what, I'll never show this to you. I don't have the guts. It'd break your heart and maybe you'd get mad. But despite everything, I still love you, I just don't know how much longer I can.
Taylor Hostetler, your daughter
Copyright © taylor hostetler | Year Posted 2016