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A Vulcan Conundrum

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My first and only attempt at writing a script.  I know it's a bit long but this one is for all you trekkies out there.


The Starship Enterprise has just entered an unknown region of space.  Before long two alien ships engage the Enterprise; shields up, weapons powered.

 

Kirk: "Lieutenant Uhura, open hailing frequencies."

Uhura: "Hailing frequencies open, captain."

Kirk: "This is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise.  We are on a peaceful mission of exploration.  Please acknowledge."

(Incoming message from lead ship) "Blthenn shpllf dtipfh"

Kirk: "Dangit lieutenant can't you auto-tune that stinking universal translator!"

Uhura: "Auto-tune engaged, captain."

Kirk: "I repeat, this is Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise..."

(Message interrupted by incoming transmission) "Blthenn shpllf dtipfh!"

Kirk: "Hailing frequencies closed, lieutenant."

Uhura: " Hailing frequencies closed, captain."

Kirk: "Bones, Spock, I need a plan of action - now!  Suggestions?"

Spock: "Logic would dictate that we leave this region of space immediately without further adieu."

Bones: "Logic would dictate, logic would dictate.  Listen you green-blooded pointy-eared freak of nature, we've got guns pointed at us from every direction.  Just where would you suggest we go?  Oh, I know, you're gonna use some sort of projected telepathy to put 'em all in some kinda trance while we just 'skip to my lou' on outta here!  Logic my..."

Kirk intervenes: "Gentlemen, gentlemen, what I need are answers, not petty debates.  Spock, you recommended exiting.  How would we go about it?"

Spock: "Well Captain, uh, I was going to suggest using telepathy to..."

Bones jumps in: "See there, what'd I tell ya?  He's recommending a massive Vulcan mind-meld from hell.  By the time he's done we're all gonna be in some kinda trance and I for one have no intention of living out the rest of my life as some sort of space zombie frozen in some godforsaken nether region of space..."

Kirk: "Bones, Bones.  I'm afraid I must now confine you to sick bay.  Surely there are crew members suffering from various and sundry space-related ailments, hmmm?  I will keep you apprised of any decisions made.  And McCoy, try to smile, huh?  It's not the end of the world."

Chekhov chimes in (under his breath): "Not yet"

McCoy exits, mumbling: "Blthenn shpllf dtipfh."

Uhura (to herself): "Why does that sound familiar?"

Kirk: "Mr. Chekhov, do you have something you'd like to share with the rest of us?"

Chekhov: "No sir, captain sir!  I vas just imagining how good a shot of wodka vould taste right about now, sir."

Kirk: "I share your sentiments ensign.  We all share them.  Don't we Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "Wodka, captain?"

Kirk: "Enough!  Mr. Scott, give me warp nine, on the double!  Get us out of here Scotty."

Scotty: "I canna obey yer order, captain.  If we try n' take Enterprise from full stop to warp nine, she'll shake apart."

Kirk: "I'm not looking for excuses mister!  Now get us out of here, before I lose my temper."

Scotty: "Aye aye captain, I'll give her all she's got, and maybe just a wee bit more."


Three additional alien ships have suddenly arrived on the scene, bringing the total to five.  Enterprise now has no way out.  Exit appears impossible.  And yet...


Kirk: "Answers gentlemen, I said I want answers!"

Spock: "The only logical course at this point would be to surrender, captain.  I, for one, have no desire to be blown to bits by a hundred photon torpedoes as it would logically interfere with my future scientific research endeavors..."

Kirk: "I said I need real answers, not wimpy ones.  No offense Mr. Spock, perhaps a human point of view..."

Uhura: "Captain, There was something odd about Dr. McCoy's behavior as he was leaving the bridge..."

Kirk: "Spock, did you hear that strange buzzing noise?  It sounded as though it was coming from the communications station."

Spock: "Well, Captain, er..."

Uhura (stands up and stomps to the center of the bridge):  "That's it!  I will no longer be ignored, treated as sub-rate or likened to an anomalous noise.  Now get this straight buster!  When Dr. McCoy left the bridge he mumbled something.  That something was picked up by the computer and recorded.  Now everyone listen carefully as I play the recording back (returns to station), 'Blthenn shpllf dtipfh.'  Sound familiar?"

(Entire bridge crew afraid to move, including Kirk, whose jaw has dropped and is now sweating profusely, though he has to admit that Uhura is really hot when she's angry)

Uhura: "Hellooo?  It's the exact same message that we received from the lead alien ship when we first found ourselves in this mess."

Kirk: "Spock, is it possible McCoy is somehow being controlled by an alien presence?"

Spock: "Curiously, I have long believed that McCoy was..."

Kirk: "Not now Spock!  Sheesh.  Sulu, get McCoy up here - on the double!"

Sulu: (snore)

Kirk: "I said on the double, mister!"

Sulu: "On the double, captain." (under his breath) "Been flying this lousy ship for 36 hours straight but does anyone care about the token Asian-American on board?  Star Fleet's gonna hear about this..."

Kirk: "Spock, I'm hearing that buzzing noise again..."

(After a bit McCoy enters the bridge, in traditional zombie style)

Kirk: "Spock, just look at him!  He's obviously under the influence."

Spock: (mumbling) "He's under the influence all right..."

Kirk: "Did you say something, Mr. Spock?"

Spock: "Ahem.  As I was saying Captain, logic would seem to suggest that Dr. McCoy is under some sort of alien mind-control.  There is only one logical explanation."

Kirk: "And that is...?"

Spock: "Um, that the aliens are controlling his mind, captain, sir."

Kirk: (sighs) "Well that's somewhat obvious now isn't it Mr. Spock.  Is there anything you can do?"

Spock: "A Vulcan mind-meld should reveal what the aliens want from us, captain.  However, may I point out that doing so would require me to put my hands all over Dr. McCoy's face and..."

Kirk: "Spock, Spock. Just do it!"

(Spock engages McCoy in a Vulcan mind-meld while secretly considering how easy it would be to switch from mind-meld to the Vulcan death-grip.  Nevertheless, his Star Fleet sensibilities keep him focused on the task at hand.  After a few minutes the mind-meld is over.  Spock quietly returns to his station.  McCoy is unconscious.)

Kirk: "Well Spock?  What do they want?"

Spock: "I'd rather not say, captain."

Kirk: "Mr. Spock, I order you to reveal the results of the mind-meld, now!"

Spock: "Well captain, um... er..."

Kirk: "Spock!"

Spock: "It would appear that the aliens are on a long-term mission and have run out of (ahem) toilet tissue and were wondering if we might spare a thousand rolls or so.  Seems their inventory control officer forgot to add this item to his itinerary.  After securing such we are free to pass through their space, unhindered."

(Bridge crew is silent, then all bust out laughing. McCoy wakes up.)

McCoy: "Wha, what happened?  Where am I?  And what's so danged funny?"

(Bridge crew laughs all the harder)

Kirk: "Scotty, can you make sure that our new friends receive their request?  Transporter two has been made available, at your discretion."

Scotty: "Aye, captain, and I'll send the load with a red ribbon attached as well."

(Bridge crew laughing again)

McCoy: "Will someone please tell me what all the laughing is about?  Spock, if you had anything to do with this..."

Kirk: "Bones, why not join me in my ready-room.  I've got a little story to tell you..."

(Spock smiles, discreetly)


 

 

 yo - to view story go to my page.  Thanks

Copyright © | Year Posted 2018




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Date: 4/7/2018 8:38:00 AM
Very entertaining, J M. I loved this series when it was on, and I occasionally watch an episode on ME TV now. I think it could have benefited from more amusing scenarios like this one. I would rank it along with "The Trouble With Tribbles".
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Morning Avatar
July Morning
Date: 4/8/2018 9:58:00 AM
That's much appreciated jim
Date: 3/19/2018 6:46:00 PM
Wow JM!!! A whole new avenue from what I've seen from you! This is pretty darn amazing. I was going to skip it ... cuz I'm not a big fan of Star Trek (although I was in love with Scotty as a youngster) and it was really long ... but ... It WAS written by you so I hung in there. And I'm so glad I did! I really can hear these characters saying these lines! You've done such a great job in portraying their personalities. Really enjoyed this!!! ~Judy
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Morning Avatar
July Morning
Date: 3/22/2018 6:19:00 PM
In love with Scotty, that's too funny. It's usually Kirk or Spock that got the love mail. Thanks for patiently reading this through. I like to think there's a payoff at the end
Date: 3/18/2018 9:25:00 AM
This is hilarious July!…Belated congrats on your well deserved POTD!!~Che :)
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Morning Avatar
July Morning
Date: 3/18/2018 11:28:00 AM
Thank you!
Date: 3/17/2018 9:37:00 AM
Belated congratulations July on your well deserved POTD honors for your awesomely written, fun and entertaining write. Warmest wishes.. ~Suze
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Morning Avatar
July Morning
Date: 3/17/2018 7:01:00 PM
:)
Date: 3/15/2018 12:17:00 AM
POTD? hmmm position of total denial... position of total dominance...nah...well, maybe...nah
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Morning Avatar
July Morning
Date: 3/15/2018 9:08:00 AM
Potd and potw, a double banger. Gonna hafta renegotiate my salary
Date: 3/14/2018 7:15:00 PM
Im rereading this just because it's totally awesome. I do love to read long stories so this was perfect for me :)
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Morning Avatar
July Morning
Date: 3/14/2018 7:23:00 PM
YOU'RE the awesome one. Thanks for continued support. Makes me want to keep writing
Date: 3/14/2018 6:37:00 PM
:)
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Morning Avatar
July Morning
Date: 3/14/2018 7:26:00 PM
:) back
Date: 3/14/2018 4:58:00 PM
Look at you... first potw now potd... rocking the place!
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Morning Avatar
July Morning
Date: 3/14/2018 7:25:00 PM
Daddy's in da house
Date: 3/14/2018 2:34:00 PM
I love it and so miss Star Trek, although, watching reruns years later, it seems a bit dated compared to more recent endeavors. The series should be resurrected with all the modern bells and whistles applied. However, the characters may never be reproduced with the same power of the original cast. Can't wait for another of your exciting episodes, July.
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Morning Avatar
July Morning
Date: 3/14/2018 3:42:00 PM
Maybe I'll get inspired to try again. Thanks much
Date: 3/14/2018 12:16:00 PM
Nothing like a good Vulcan mind-meld to get your s--t straight. Great work July, congratulations for POTD honors...
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July Morning
Date: 3/14/2018 2:18:00 PM
I don't know which is worse, a mind meld or nerve pinch
Date: 3/14/2018 9:53:00 AM
Congratulations! Nothing but "Yo" shows on the Poem of the Day page. I had to come to your personal page to find the script like I often have to do to get a picture or music.
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Morning Avatar
July Morning
Date: 3/14/2018 11:52:00 AM
I was over my character limit so I had to post this in notes. Thanks for being patient
Date: 3/14/2018 8:44:00 AM
I wonder if their space crappers have the automatic self-sliding doors and how would their toilet paper look like in a few hundred years?....hmmm...ah who cares, just hand me some Klingon Warnog...speaking about toilet paper!...Well done my spaced out friend...Star Trek is a fav of mine...Congrats!!!!
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July Morning
Date: 3/14/2018 11:50:00 AM
This resolves the age old question of did they or didn't they (I think we always knew they did)
Date: 3/14/2018 8:40:00 AM
Good morning Tommy :) an entertaining story to read this morning. I never really watch the movies but reading your script made it all fun :) Well congratulations on POTD it's brilliantly beautiful!
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July Morning
Date: 3/14/2018 11:49:00 AM
Hey kina's back. Thanks for visit
Date: 3/14/2018 4:45:00 AM
Brilliantly done July, Star trek rocks as does this well deserved POTD. Live long and prosper. Tom
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July Morning
Date: 3/14/2018 11:48:00 AM
Totally. Thanks
Date: 3/14/2018 3:46:00 AM
Over some Saurian Brandy, no doubt, (Romulan Ale for far more special occasions) ... this is awesome stuff, JM - really enjoyed the romp through Federation airspace, (though this must be near the Neutral Zone, with so many unidentified aliens) ... I think Gene would get a smile out of this one, and I can think of no grander compliment than that! Nicely done, Buddy! :-)
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July Morning
Date: 3/14/2018 11:48:00 AM
Thanks for read and review
Date: 3/13/2018 7:10:00 PM
You are a genius. We should have written this together, and Spock would have needed an explanation for his pink nightie.( as McCoy went red). I had a message from space: sore arse, nearest contact: the Enterprise. Star date 40034
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July Morning
Date: 3/13/2018 8:23:00 PM
I can see Spock in a tutu, but only after downing a bottle of Romulan ale
Date: 3/13/2018 9:24:00 AM
Nice one JM.. Script writing should come easy to you,as you are a great writer..
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July Morning
Date: 3/13/2018 8:22:00 PM
You're way kind
Date: 3/13/2018 4:09:00 AM
You are addicted to Star Trek more than me. Mind you I intend to see the whole series plus films on my android. The idea of running out of toilet paper is hilarious.
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July Morning
Date: 3/13/2018 8:20:00 PM
Been there, done that. Thanks vic
Date: 3/12/2018 11:19:00 PM
Bones jumps in: "See there, what'd I tell ya? He's recommending a massive Vulcan mind-meld from hell. By the time he's done we're all gonna be in some kinda trance and I for one have no intention of living out the rest of my life as some sort of space zombie frozen in some godforsaken nether region of space..."
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Morning Avatar
July Morning
Date: 3/13/2018 8:20:00 PM
Gotta love the wicked humor
Lovejoy-Burton Avatar
Leanne Lovejoy-Burton
Date: 3/12/2018 11:20:00 PM
I had to leave the library, I nearly wet myself laughing. Regards, ..... p.s. can't wait for the next instalment