sometimes i sleep so long i forget to eat.
i think it’s supposed to hurt like bruises blooming purple on my skin,
so i press my thumbs against the moons under my eyes like checking fruits for ripeness.
my room has began collecting things:
half-drank glasses of water and trash spilling out the bin.
my teeth fall off every night in my dreams.
june creeps in quietly and it comes in every shade of blue.
i numb myself to avoid every thought but you.
i keep leaving my curtains closed the whole day
yet i ask myself where are the sun rays.
i just keep hoping this will all just fix itself.
while you’re out there living your mornings im drowning in my own dread.
maybe tomorrow it’ll be august instead.
maybe tomorrow the rotten fruit will be dead.
I’ve been a man and I’ve been a woman,
and nothing in between;
I’ve liked men, loved women
and hated everyone around me;
I’ve been a model student and a failure;
A daughter and a painful,
painful reminder of youth slipping away.
I’ve been big, defensive and dangerous,
I’ve been small, submissive and scared;
I held you in my hands and I watched as you fell.
I was thin when you met me, even though I didn’t realise;
I always saw myself as a storm cloud, rumbling and dark,
ready to shoot arrows, not aiming to hurt anyone,
and engulfing the trees with my wrath.
I’ve been yours, and theirs, and his and hers;
I’ve been the rock at the shore waiting for the waves to break;
I’ve been everywhere, and nowhere, and where?
Where can I find a place where I can finally be myself?
I walk among a ground where life is a trend.
Yet we don’t understand where’s our beginning and our end.
The burden to be like the rest.
We all stand shoulder to shoulder duplicate.
Not proving we are all imperfect.
The pressure to keep up.
But the feeling to be distinct.
I say to myself
“Am I really who I want to be”
“Or am I a carbon copy of other souls”
These patterns are confined in a box.
But do I have a key to unlock?
Proving ourselves to be different.
Is this really the craze we mimic?
Or is it an illusion we may just dismiss?
Time will tell it all.
But for now we just follow the ball.
it’s my birthday,
which already feels special
but also
may the fourth
so it’s like
the universe remembered me
like
“may the force be with you”
just for me
and yeah,
maybe that’s a little dramatic
but i like knowing
i’m that important
and somehow,
that makes it
my favorite day!
I’m slowly rotting.
My body is decaying.
I’m supposed to be. . .
I want to be.
Dead
I can't take the pain anymore.
I hear subtle voices
They talk to me
I find some kind of comfort in them?
People call me
crazy
Broken
Wrong
Pathetic
And the worst one
Monster. . .
Every time I hear it
The voices get louder
I black out
When I wake up
there's blood on my hands.
Again. . .
I stare at the blood.
Then the gun
Back to the blood.
Back to the gun.
Blood.
Gun.
I grab the gun
I hold it under my chin
My hand tremble
Tears fall
The voices yell
“Bang”
Everything is gone
The voices go quit
The pain is gone
My body is now is finally
“Decomposing”
Or as the people will whisper
“The monster is now rotting away”
The boy who escaped
This boy wanted to escape life.
He was afraid he wasn't good enough.
He just wanted to curl up and fall into a never ending slumber
But he knew he couldn't escape this hellhole.
He was tired but wasn’t allowed to sleep.
He doesn’t want to be degraded.
He just wants one person to show they care
About him.
He doesnt care if your lying to him or telling the truth
He just wants to be loved
But no one listened to him.
So he stood at the sink with the pills in hand.
He left the note on his bedside dresser.
He takes the pills.
Everything goes dark.
His body falls onto the bathroom floor.
The pill bottle falls from his hand.
His body takes the last breath.
His body can now rest .
He has finally “escaped”…or has he?...
If I could go back I'd hug you i'd let you know everything is going to be okay.
If I could go back I'd let you know what not to do like the drugs that made your life seem happy at first but then your episodes got really bad you think your bad now you only get worse after you get into the drugs.
You want all the pain and suffering to go away I now you do but I promise you your going to make it through the hard times I know its not easy but I promise you things will get better you just have to keep fighting for what you want and who you wanna be.
Dear teenager self I know you hate your life I know you wish you could die I know you want to shrivel up and never have to return to another day of misery but you just have to keep fighting.
I'm sure not everything will go how you wish it will actually I know it doesn't but that's okay because you make it out you'll make it if you keep fighting just don't give up okay.
I'm proud of the person you're becoming I know you have a lot of regrets but that's just part of life and you learn from your mistakes.
I was fourteen.
August smog pressed through the mesh of my bedroom window.
Through the grimy grid, I watched them in the backyard.
“Sign the papers.”
He was smoking a Belmont.
The smoke left his mouth
and hung between them.
He flicked the cigarette toward the house.
I watched the ember burn and die.
when lights are dimmed and sunsets turn opaque
who’ll be there to tell you “i told you so”?
i know i’d win crying contests
and all my mind does is protest
“why did i wish to grow older?”
now i’m scared that i’m older
i look into your eyes and butterflies take flight
are you in love with me or are you just being nice?
is my favorite color something you memorized without trying?
you hum my favorite songs while i walk away crying
our future together i imagined countless times
while it’s out of reach it becomes what i want
tangible isn’t something i like,
if it’s plausible, the wish won’t survive
am i in love with you or are you just nice?
if you kiss my neck, i might just stay the night
i picture myself and i’m wearing white
but as soon as you touch me, it all fades to black
i’ll want more as long as you want less
if we both want it, the want goes away
if you picture us in love, i see us as friends
and i might fall in love with a boy someday
but i might regret it if he feels the same way
i’ll die for your smile, but i won’t take your name
i’ll want to leave if you ask me to stay
as soon as you’re near, i’ll go away
just ask me to leave and i’ll die at your wake
Onion tears fall on deaf ears
Reflex pain and slurring names
And blurry shame
And tainted game
With honey coated tongues
Down acid stained mouths
Tell yourself that every normal-looking person hides a dirtier and bigger secret than you.
You think that when you're surrounded by people who never had to beg for an embrace.
And when you didn't receive the love
You shouldn’t have asked for, you cried and starved yourself
Wondering if you were intentional.
Time cannot lessen the joy from fun and family vacations
that ended in September for a new year of education.
At each age, September meant I would get pretty new clothes.
I would shop with Mama who had me try them on and pose.
I liked school's first day until high school fueled a need to preen.
September’s meanings ended when I graduated at seventeen.
Anne Frank
sweet
s e
m l
i
diamond HEART
O P E N mind
marrow = Courage
had no ______…. basin
acted with PEN ______
|
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taught about W. A. R. w r i t i n g
generations spiral up
|_____^^ journal again …
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B—L—U—E s~e~a f»r»e»s»h»n»e»s»s
like the coolness your love b
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t w o t-e-e-n-a-g-e-r-s in l~o~v~e
left
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however strong the sea W~~
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