I was asleep now I’m awake
Had a bad dream about rape
Im okay it wasn’t real
But it hasn’t happened in so many years
I’m a survivor of incest
I forgave dad not upset
I write now just to sift
Bad from past let soul lift
Up others who say get over it
We do you know but the brain plays tricks
We can be triggered even if well
So we get it out when we tell
I am a survivor till I’m dead
I am a survivor survivor I said
I have never been good at hiding
At least not from those who truly pay attention
I’ve never been good at hiding so instead, I became great at deflecting
I slip in words to distract and detract from the attention that is focused on me
And when that doesn’t work because so many people do actually care
I give just enough to satisfy
Because when I say many people care, they only care enough to hear the basics
Because going beyond that would take too much time and require too much energy
And everyone has their own things to talk about and deal with right?
However, watching people prove that I will always come last to nearly everything in life
And prove that I will never be as much a priority to them as they are to me gets exhausting
So instead, I’ve just started saying I’m fine
Im okay
Because I’ve never been good at hiding
But you were never really looking anyway
I’m Okay With You
I’m okay with you.
Doesn’t matter what you think—
Politically or religiously.
I like you even though we disagree.
I like talking to you about music and sports—
About cinema, literature and art.
I respect your opinion on all things.
You are my friend, and as such,
You will always receive the benefit of the doubt.
You will always be respected, regardless of circumstances,
Regardless of vehement disagreements spoken in anger.
You are my friend and have earned my good will.
You have grown to become the fierce wind at my back.
I say: Thank you, my friend, for staying loyal.
My hope for you is one of good health and good cheer.
And please know this:
There are no eggshells in my garden.
Truly, I’m okay with you.
im fine
im okay
its what we all say
pretend
its a mask
but im okay
I gave you everything i could
and still thats not enough
its like hitting my head against wood
Saying im okay is a bluff
i want to cut i want to bleed
to disappear and not feel a thing
but i wont for i dont know where it will lead
or what other troubles it will bring
I want to hate you but i can not
my love is far too great
my stomach ties itself in a knot
When i realize i was too late
Too late because you chose another
too late to fix what we had
too late because you view me as a brother
too late because i have gone mad...
You're givin off signals, I cant read,
I'm so mixed up, but imma let it be.
You act one way then you act another,...
tryin to give ya your space, I don't wanna somother ya.
Do you like me or do you wanna stay just friends?
I dont know anymore, Never know whats goin on in your head.
Imma be me, you can be you,
If you want different, than you know what to do.
Im okay with friends, don't have an attack,
I made a vow to my self... I wont be the reason to hold anyone back.
Ignore what I said, I'm probably being stupid,
"just friends" for sure, anything else is but my own illusions.
Others are brainwashed with their own delusions.
Your signals, i get mixed and become unsure,
So how can I think otherwise.... when you make it so clear?
done with all the he said she said.
franticly in my mind.
unknowingly it helps us grow sometimes.
im complete as a failure.
leaving all feelings behind
no more hiding,
no more need to
numb to the words and the blows too.
you seeing the water falling from my eyes
gives you power
something i completely despise
im okay with being not okay
im good at keeping my feelings away.
hid behind a door.
where you nor her can see my face anymore.
around you i walk proud,
like nothings wrong
not even a blink of an eye.
but when i get home,
i sit and i cry.
so sick of the thoughts in my mind.
wish it would all go away
the only enjoyment is when im high.
gone like the wind.
and yes there is a bulls eye,
in the middle of the target you've lately painted on my back.
i feel the burnin heat of your eyes
i've tried everything
but with you there is no comprimise
As a tear rolls down i dont make a sound
i stay still i think what do i do
do i live do i die do i cry
do i go on living this lie
the lie i say all the time,that im okay , im fine, im happy
but really in side im dieing
every day i hear people say your ugly, your weird, the rate on how pretty you are is 0 or 2, why dont you just die
life should be precous, should be fun but all it does is bring pain and sorrow
im sitting here with a knife in my hand thinking what to do
do i keep feeling pain and cry every day
do i stay and get called ugly and stupid and get treated like *****
or should i just end it now
im allways getting teased and made fun of all the time
maybe its time to end it all
is life really worth living?
A part from my Journal
when i sit at my home with my family
i see they all look the same they act the same
dress the same and think the same
soon theyll discover that i dont belong
they want me to be plastic like them
but i cant i wont let them take me
my poems have been about depression
heartache and pain ever since i started
it dont seem to heal the wound
the scars i carry and the pain that bleeds from my soul
i cant really pour out my feelings for you
its hard for you to understand
no one knows me because i wont let them in
i wont let them see the truth behind the person
that they imagine me to be
the smile everyone wears on a sunday morning is only
a wall they put up to hide there pain
so i tuck it all away and act like im okay
so everyone will see me the way that i see them
Shayla Dendinger
Honey, I see you
standing
waiting
day after day
For someone to come
love you
and show you the way
Your frightened
betrayed
cold
confused
With no hope
no one
no clue
Your shivering
and shaking
on a late winters night
I just want to hug you
love you
protect you
and make everything alright
But, honey you see
I've waited for someone to show me the way
no one noticed
asked if im okay
Im frightened
betrayed
I've been hurt and abused
That doesnt mean i give up
even when im misused
Your cold
wet
but please understand
pick yourself up
take someones hand
Life will always chuck you the rocks
Thats why you have to jump up and down in your pink socks
To celebrate every step in time
so you can be successful and not be left behind
Empty inside
ripped at the seems
caught up in this fantacy
that exists in my dreams
pretending im okay
when truely i am sad
trying to make it through the day
with the memories that we had
it kills me inside
it cuts me so deep
with this pain that i have
now i cry myself to sleep
its like you dont even care
you moved on so fast
to me it seems unfair
how your just like past .....
regretful and messed up
-Spencer dedicated to Matthew Garcia
i feel lost, i feel scared
i feel mad, i feel unabandonly sad
i feel tears, wet in my eyes
i want to feel pain, though im not really sure why
i feel heat, crawl up my neck
i feel all these things, and heck
i feel fragile in my skin
i feel the panic comming to attack again
i feel jittery, nervousness wafts in the air
i feel my sanity tear
i feel like a child, in need of a hug
i feel ready to be mugged
i feel ready to hide, im okay, i lie
but here i sit thinking: i feel
and anxiety is the mother that bares
is it okay
to say
i love you
is it okay
to say
im okay
with out you
What do I say
That Im okay
Lieing to myself
And others anyways
Emotions caughtup
Aint got no luck
Nothing to hold on to
Right now, it just really sucks
The fact that Im left behind
With no extra time
To think about whether to hold on
Or just let it go and hope everything's fine
All my words caught up
Dont know what to feel
Dont know what to write
Wish it wasnt real
There's always something wrong
That can never be turned right
Just wanna be happy
With love and delight
Too bad
Oh well
Im sad
Cause Ive failed
Myself
My life
My feelings
What's right
Will
I
Make
It
Through
The
Night?
SO MANY TEAR.SO MUCH PAIN.SO MANY PROBLEMS.SO MANY THROUGT TO TAKE MY LIFE.
SHOULD I FEEL THIS ABOUT MY LIFE. CAUSE THE I TRY THE MORE I CRY. IT IS EASY TO
SAY IM OKAY BUT IS IT EASY TO SAY IM IN PAIN.SO MANY PROBLEM BARRIED IN NO ONE
TURE TO OR CALL A FRIEND. SO MY SOUL CRYS FOR HELP,BUT NO ONE ANSWERS THE
KNOCK.SO WHAT IS IT LEFT TO DO TAKE MY LIFE.WELL I TRY THAT,BUT LIFE IS STILL
PHAT. SO MUCH PAIN I HAVE SO I TURN TO AN OVERDOSE TO THINK IF SOMEONE WOULD
MISS ME.SO MANY PEOPLE WHO SAY THEY CARE NO DAMN WELL THEY DONT CARE.SO
THEY ASK WHY THIS?WHY THAT? BUT THE SAME PEOPLE APART OF THIS ACTION AT
HANDAND THE CAUSES OF MY PROBLEM ,THE PAIN I FEEL THE TEARS I CRY AND THE
PROBLEMS I FEEL AND A MEAN OVERDOSE OF
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