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Best Rude Poems | Poetry

Below are the all-time best Rude poems written by Poets on PoetrySoup. These top poems in list format are the best examples of rude poems written by PoetrySoup members

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New Rude Poems

Don't stop! The most popular and best Rude poems are below this new poems list.

Ice is rude but the sun is nice by pederson, doug
How rude by Tapestry, Lifes'
SO RUDE by Gauthier, Line
Lewd And Rude by Smith, Gary
Clearly, You're Rude by Earnings, J.W.
swivel and those rude menzz by Terry, Allan
Cruises and Rude Bruises by sensele, john
The polite and rude Haiku by Knowlton, Charlie
Rude Polly Parrot by Shaw, Kevin

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The Best Rude Poems

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Just Desserts

Listen to poem:
I was at my favourite restaurant and had a lovely meal If I finished all my food then a pudding was the deal I’d relished every morsel and was pleased as a Cheshire cat The dessert menu was on its way, Oh I couldn’t wait for that The waitress brought the menus and I rubbed my hands with glee Oh sticky toffee pudding, now that’s the one for me She came to take the order – we had waited as you do She finally turned to me and said ‘oh Madam what can I get you’ Oh stiffy cockie pudding please was my swift reply I didn’t realise what I’d said till I saw the tears form in her eye I went as red as a beetroot and the others began to laugh At my spoonerism which turned into a complete gaffe The pudding it came quickly but I couldn’t wait to leave I choked on every mouthful and my stomach it did heave So please take notice of my error on this horrendous day If you order sticky toffee pudding be careful what you say! My favourite rhyming poem contest Sponsored by Laura Loo 2/2/14 This is a true experience! The waitress was a student at the school I work at - I was so pleased when she went to university - I have never ordered this dessert since! This is a very special poem to me as it was my first one posted on soup and i love the humour in it. The first poem I wrote was a sad one called 'Splendid Isolation' but I wanted to be known for my humour . Just Desserts was published in a book by United Press which was a massive boost to a novice writer.

Copyright © JAN ALLISON | Year Posted 2014

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The Contest

(The Contest)

I once knew a gentle poet boy
Pretending to be the real McCoy
   He lost two in a row
   This is no game show
At the end, I felt used by the playboy

(The cold rain)

I wish I could take back the HM
Don't know why you chose to condemn
   I thought we were friends
   Now I see through crystal lens,
How you think all your poems are a top gem

(Not a reason to hate)

I once knew a girl with heavy makeup
Behind her smile, her face was corrupt 
   She was in it for the race
   Wanting all her poems to place
She did not win, now she's all worked up


Copyright © SKAT A | Year Posted 2015

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It Reads Like A Rap

Your rhyme reads like a rap they say,
a rap I say,
a rap they say,
perhaps but rap is rhyme you see,
it's rhyme really,
it's rhyme you see,
this poem is not lyrical,
no not at all,
not lyrical,
'cus songs use words repeatedly,
repeat you see,

We'll use that as the chorus,
it's easy and thoughtless,
lets build a rhyme fortress
with verse summersaultus,
not a word but I don't care,
eating apples grapes and pears,
seeking angles of praise from flair,
story starts now take a chair.
Out in public with clothes removed,
I've had this dream but now it's true,
a dude that's nude and on the move,
without a pube all in plain view,
swing it like a helicopter,
round and round 'til someone stops ya,
grab some weed and party poppers,
run down streets to dart from coppers,
drinking aftershock that shocks ya,
always after the shot has docked ya,
stick your head between some knockers,
wake up thick lipped at the doctors.


Write it like a conversation,
it might give it a new dimension,
in that last verse you forced the rhyme,
of course that's fine in this rap rhyme,
'cus rap is rhyme it's rhyme they rap,
that is a fact a fact is that,
by it's nature rap is rhyme,
if it reads like a rap then it reads like a rhyme,
does that mean always rhyme is rap,
of course it isn't it's less than that,
now that sounds mean, 
what do you mean,
rap rhymes are rhymes and rap,
rhymes just rhyme they're not rap,
well what's this verse then is it rap?
No my friend this verse is crap,
I hope they remember this is a conversation,
they're not reading you lost their attention.


A third verse now this is long winded,
it's forced and pointless poets cringing,
get back to the story, 
now you were knocked out,
yes and I remember nowt,
then what the hell's this rhyme about,
it's like a selfie with lips that pout,
no one cares except the poser,
that means no one notes the nose hair,
wrap this up it's going nowhere,
rap it up like you're a rapper,
this poem keeps on getting crapper,
no one's read as far as here, 
in this worse rhyme you've wrote all year,
at least it flows like hip hop songs,
it flows with flow its flow is strong,
to flow like this use words not long,
here's the chorus lets sing along. 

it reads like a hip hop 

POTD 17/10/2018

Copyright © Nick Trim | Year Posted 2018

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The Workplace Wee

If someone at work saw my Mary,
I’d resign just as quick as can be,
But men have to face this fear squarely,
When they go for a quick workplace wee.

They stand petrified in the toilet,
All three eyes staring blankly ahead,
One flicker, one movement could spoil it,
They might get the eyeful they dread.

But there’s power there, at the urinal -
Take young Billy, the purchasing clerk,
There he stood, between Jimmy and Lionel,
When out came a magnificent arc.

What a rainbow of clear, shining yellow!
His colleagues all gasped through the steam,
Jim gave in, glanced at Billy’s wee fellow,
And cried “Billy! You MUST join my team!”

Behind them, from inside the cubicle,
Where Frank, the big boss, was “in motion”,
A fanfare burst forth, loud and musical,
To celebrate Billy’s promotion.

So ladies, if you get the feeling,
A hunch your career’s not on track,
It could be the porcelain ceiling,
That’s holding us womenfolk back.

5 August 2018

Copyright © Nina Parmenter | Year Posted 2018

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In A Perfect World

An idyllic Saturday evening scene-
on our street, little kids play
‘touch and go’.  Excited shrieks
and laughter warm the chilled February air, 
pavement alive with little feet's patter.

My neighbor’s Golden Labrador does it again: 
he slips out just as his owner 
drives through the tall, wide open iron gate.

Marley runs after the laughter-
playful, in his ferocious way.
Neighbor stops, engine idling, 
and looks intently as a frightened child, 
no more than ten, runs screaming in terror.

In hot pursuit, teeth bared, barking
with all his might, Marley obviously
enjoys the chase. I command the dog to stop
as I reach the child, his body trembling. 
I look at my neighbor's eyes - waiting.
He lowers his lashes, shifts the gear, 
tells his help to get Marley, and goes on his way. 

In a perfect world,  a little child would not know 
the meaning of terror and passive cruelty,
all in one breath.  He would not have to feel 
less valued than a pricey, crossbreed dog.

17 February 2016
Catie Lindsey's In a Perfect World Contest

Copyright © KP Nunez | Year Posted 2016

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The Tale of the Dirty Dick

Girls, if you ever find a man of great persistence
Listen to your ******, and say NO! with adequate resistance
You see chicks, when a dude gets a hard dick
If it's dirty, it can make you super sick
Painful pisses and cloudy urine will follow suit
All because Dirty Dick Man wanted to discharge his root
So, ladies, beware...there are diseases out there
No Dick gets serviced until it's clean and faire
Run, scream, shout, "Spank your ****ing monkey!"
Please, I beg of you, do as I now  propose
Keep your ****** sparkling clean-never let it decompose.

Copyright © Jennifer Young | Year Posted 2014

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Crossed Me At The Borderline, Just In Time

-------------------------------------- ~*note: done in fun and aimed at no one~  

try and seed my name you'll concede to shame
no use in calling names to lose the game

yir' ill will is just plain disastrous 
asinine avatars deserve an asterisk

as for being fact-less, your slaps don't diss
every lick you spit simply tends to miss

harmless words that curse, rehearsed childishness
gets your face erased and they'll say who's next

as defilement arrives inside your text
that's when shame wheels you back, right to the nest.

~10 syllables in each of 10 rhyming lines~

Copyright © JSLambert Mister ROBOTO | Year Posted 2014

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This is Wrong, BUT

Rude people who think only of themselves -
I would like to sit atop mantle shelves
Yes, I know that is wrong
but it's where they belong
when they act like those impish little elves

Copyright © Lin Lane | Year Posted 2016

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Northern Suburbia

Your love is real 
the love you feel.
Your love is great 
the love you make.
Your records are on fire 
its your desire.
Take me out tonight
and go wild and crazy, 
or be fat and lazy. 
So I played some Doors 
and saw some whores. 
So I said goodbye 
and they all must die, fool. 
So dig my guts 
and eat my brain 
and then go insane. 
I don't
Care I love it 
so forget it, Punk!

Copyright © Blake Holland | Year Posted 2015

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Dangerous Guns

Home is where the radio is
Paradise is where I am
I miss his cigarettes...His mess
He said "I am smoking the last one"

I'm going to make him crazy
Rage, rage, rage
Rage, fury, rage
Nobody will be able to hurt me again

I will defeat pain with rage, my love
He cheated on me
He humiliated me
I am lost, baby, I am lost

But then with one kiss
I'd forgive him everything
He left me without a word
But he had forgotten his gun

I thought "Do i have to shoot myself? Or him?"
But then I found myself in front of a mirror
And then I started to brush my hair like this...
Stroke, stroke... My curls melted away

And then I thought "Why I have to reach exactly 100?"
Because in the hundredth stroke...
My hair was back to being straight
I looked again

He had no power over me
Baby, I have changed
I'm not that little girl anymore
I was a different person

Copyright © Floral Flowers | Year Posted 2014

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Meretricious Spirit

Meretricious Spirit

This spirit is modern society’s cancer
Replete with rank, flashy vulgarities
Pervading our social fabric and soul
Unbridled, unbowed, unapologetic;
It can be a curse to mankind itself
Engulfing some people in moments
Of childish deception and insincerity
Which challenge our human civility;
Petulance, at times, can be seen to
“Rule the Roost” in certain personal
Interactions to make each of us seem
To be less than who we truly are in life;
Always follow your life’s passion and
The spiritual heart and tenor of your soul,
For they shall be your true moral compass
As you face the daily slings and arrows of
This life as mankind’s fabulistic tendencies
Seek to tarnish one’s very spirit and worth
In this thing we all call—our mortal coil!
Gary Bateman, Copyright © All Rights Reserved,
October 11, 2016 (Didactic)

Copyright © Gary Bateman | Year Posted 2016

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Road Rage

recklessness attacks ego
fury attacks soul
adrenaline attacks viscera
middle digit attacks upward
foot attacks accelerator
vehicle attacks vehicle
hand attacks pistol
lead attacks flesh
remorse attacks fury
gavel attacks sound block
inmate attacks inmate

Copyright © Ruff Bender | Year Posted 2017

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Trim Shady Come Out And Playyyy

Challenge To Trim Shady Lets Flow
I'll murk you Trim Shady in slowmo 
for talking crazy in my dojo
shouldn't have come solo
to try to best this italiano
your words are shallow
like trumps at mar largo
so bravo those who you they use to follow 
now I lead as you wallow 
helped me to the moon like apollo

My words are heaven sent 
i always represent 
your rhymes ain't worth a cent
you need to repent 
but don't get bent 
to any extent just be content 
your rhymes are an accident 
I can become benevolent 
as your mind I disorient 

Aha now looks like you wanna dream 
as I spit my extreme supreme theme
my regime will cream your esteem 
make you scream I'm ole school like kareem 
your **** I'll ream check out the grand scheme 
and tomorrow maybe yourself you can redeem

Now you have seen
I don't do in-between 
you still young and green
behind your ears still clean 
I'll eat you up like cuisine from the canteen 
I'm up like caffeine 
you get your vaccine 
none can intervene 
as I now leave you on scene 
you got served a rhyme that's obscene 
I told it was foreseen 
the US blows you out the water like a submarine
giving your spleen 
damage that's unseen

This battle was heavy weight 
I sting like Ali the great 
dealt you straight 
at any rate 
I predate 
you mate 
your big ego you did overrate 
as it I did deflate 
your late pick a date 
I'll wait for your debate 
so don't hate let me again relate
I told you of your fate you was the bait 
the big fish I already ate from my plate 
even the Duchess of Cambridge Kate 
will state and the Queen will equate 
as I dictate she'll translate 
but don't be irate I did sedate 
you before your **** I straight did incinerate

Now take your time try to come hard 
I know your body I scarred your mind i jarred 
then charred with no regard 
to the blows making you act like a retard 
call me captain Piccard because in this show I starred 
you should have kept up your guard 
if you was a lawyer I'd have you disbarred 
I stand unmarred even in your yard your rhymes I discard

So just keep typing 
trying to be big hyping I will take you sniping
as you steadily griping and swiping 
and your nose I'll be wiping 
with this last off rhyme I'll be striking

Copyright © Brenda Chiri | Year Posted 2018

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You Cant Handle This Slam

Baby girl let me explain sultry charms
See men fall into my arms
Come to my place look in, have a peak
If I wanted, me and your man would get on our freak
Don't look shocked go ahead and speak
But if I truly wanted your man 
Sultry charm would be my plan
But that's not my intent
Me I got to represent

Your man though omg yuck
Can't help it if on me he's stuck
Cause I be as smooth as silk
If I want your man, him I'd milk
Ha he even told me weak was your flow
Three people turned up for your show
Your mama ,your daddy,and your imaginary friend too
Sit down before you hurt yourself boo boo

And ya know it's not about sex you see
Plus I get my love times three
Along with all kinds of pitiful pleas

So those twits you speak of
I'm not one of them love
My rap is so far above
Those silly twits and their game?
In reality ya all are so freaking lame
This here is a beast you can't tame

In this battle unlike you I don't slap or pull hair
Then again I rise above and I don't play fair
Actually you see I just don't care

It's cool go ahead admit it, I see
In truth you jealous and just want me
Liking the way my v-neck hang low
and the way my clevage show
You want to pet my wild beast
And upon me you want to feast
Ha matters not to me in the least

I will take you down like BLAM. ...
In this here rap battle slam
Kicking you and your man to the curb
To think I'd want either of you is absurd
Take yourself and your man home ya heard
You both deserve each other
Lmao still living at home with your mother
You step to me as an undercover
When you want to get truly real
Then step up and I'll teach the real deal
Because as is you I did just kill
Didn't even let you cop a feel
Your rap like you has no appeal 
and your fate it did seal 
So step up step on step past  
or am I speaking a little to fast,
you've  lost with me you just  could never last

I ain't like all you other girls yo
puttin out to the local hero
Ya all ain't nothing but a zero
Oh but before I go 
just want to let you know
I'm 50 years past my youth 
Still took you out in truth
unlike you, age made me bulletproof
Don't let the mic hit you in your bucktooth

Copyright © Brenda Chiri | Year Posted 2018

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More Sad Truth: Of Pigs and Pearls

This was written with regard to Jan's poem about the sad truth she discovered yesterday.  An attitude adjustment is desperately needed for anyone who would try to manipulate others.

It's a cheeky, brazen pig who orders people around by saying,
"Don't comment on her poems, and don't read anything by him."
You wallow in a pig sty while on innocent poets you are preying.
With a demeanor such as that, your life must be pitiful and grim. 

Stop slinging your dirty barnyard sludge in the faces of other poets.
You should feel ashamed for doing something so cruel and asinine!
But you'll never admit to what you've done and everyone knows it.
A poet's words are pearls, never meant to be thrown before swine.*

*Matthew 7:6

Copyright © Lin Lane | Year Posted 2017

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Unhappy Tommy Macguigan

Unhappy Tommy Macguigan

He wasn't blessed with a big'un

'Twas rather a shrimp

And usually limp,

Poor little thing, best kept hidden. 

Copyright © Gary Smith | Year Posted 2017

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You think you can rhyme, a slam poem

Hey  you think that you can rhyme
Think again as it is useless many times
Sometime it s forced or ending with ing
But the real message behind it is missing
Many times these are useless
Something which need isn t felt

Who told you that your rhyme is good
When most of your sentences can t be understood
You people are nothing but noob
Firstly go and learn what rhyme is
Search it s meaning on wikipedia or search it on youtube

Look at my poems
Which have class as well as rhyme
If doing rhyme would have been a crime
My name would have been on the list prime
police of seven worlds would  have been looking for me
For the contest  " you think you can rhyme "

Copyright © Faraz Ajmal | Year Posted 2018

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Looking down at the ground
Feeling like I’m bound
By all the people around
Wondering what I did wrong
To feel like I don’t belong
Trying just to get along

Looking at the sky
Wishing I could fly
Wanting to say goodbye
Thinking about the words
Everything’s in chords
Stuck in the middle of the board

The words you say that keep me up
Nights are long; days are torn
Searching for a way to build up 
But I’m being pricked by your thorn
All I hear is “suck it up buttercup”
When I try not to mourn

Shuffling the cards
Keeping up my guards
Falling behind, going backwards
Wondering what I did wrong
To feel like I don’t belong
Trying just to get along.

-written 11/30/17

Copyright © Kylie Hemnes | Year Posted 2017

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Cauliflower Makes Me Poo

Cauliflower makes me poo,
It does! It does! I’m telling you!
These cute florets, they all beget
Poogeddon in an hour or two.

I thought “oh great! I’ll lose some weight!”
I piled it high upon my plate,
The poo deluge was REALLY huge,
I weighed myself - still ten stone eight!

So listen, if you’d like to try
Some weight loss via brassicae,
May I advise some exercise...
With cabbages strapped to your thigh.

14 October 2018

Copyright © Nina Parmenter | Year Posted 2018

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Piece of Mind

Mouth opens harshly
garbage dump
rotting inner core.


Submitted for Magicicada 13 Body and Mind Poetry Contest sponsored by Maureen McGreavy

Copyright © Carol Connell | Year Posted 2018

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If You Could Bottle it, it Would Sell - Bawdy Limerick

Mei-Ling was known to kiss and tell
Got worse when she wed Me Hung Well
     With the power of thought
     Set to give what he ought
And spent all night ringing her bell.

- - - - - - - - -

5 November 2018

Inspired by Jan Allison's limerick, "His gift it needed a lift".

Copyright © John Michaels | Year Posted 2018

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“Do you see any leg wound, my friend I feel some pain, see drops of blood - the road we passed was stained.” The horse asked the cat, who detests blood or mud. “I don’t know,” answered the cat, nestled cozily in a bag strapped on the horse’s back. “I didn't feel any discomfort that might have been caused by your change in stride or slack.” 15 June 2015 No Rules Contest Sponsor: Rob Carmack

Copyright © KP Nunez | Year Posted 2015

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Here I sit again, silent,
 not saying anything,
 pondering instead,
 what it was I should have said;
Too, too late now,
 the moment's gone,
 the chance for some clever comeback,
 some clever witticism
 lost from this present now,
Which too quickly became then
 and suddenly is past.

Copyright © DM Babbit | Year Posted 2015

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Learn Something

Do you feel like each day is the same? 
Do all things, every person,  each glitch 
you encounter seem boring and lame?  
Is the rut you're in more like a ditch? 

When you want to rekindle the flame, 
let the internet help you enrich  
your existence and soon you'll reclaim 
that old joy you felt filling your niche. 

If you yearn to get back in the game
learn to use the new tools that exist.
If you don't, you'll be solely to blame.
So, log on now and Google it, b&tch!

Copyright © Lycia Harding | Year Posted 2015

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Send Me No Insults When I Die

Send Me No Insults When I Die

Send me no insults when I die
couldn't hurt me if you try
Send those insults while I live
so returning fire I can give

Never try to stab me in the back
my third eye is always on track
I once dearly loved a damn good fight
now I rather prefer to just be right

Send not fools to do your dirty work
I despise fools and simply hate jerks
Take your measures like a real man
with blows delivered in upfront stand

Send me no insults when I am dead
cry your woes, kiss my **** instead
My soul at rest , my spirit in the sky
I say piss on you and don't ask why!

Robert L. 05-27 2014

A lucky inspiration. 
I just read an email from a bitter enemy.
He declared he would piss on my grave soon enough! A veiled threat
(possibly) .. I laugh at and now write this little tribute to 
the guy's stupidity.

Copyright © Robert Lindley | Year Posted 2014