Best Feck Poems
The mighty dragons which came
roaring on that fateful night
took great pride in disintegrating
everything in their sight
Nothing was left that was not
scorched by their flame
although to the fire-breathing
dragons it was all but a game
No trees were left standing
and nay grasses retained green
it took three and a half years
for the streets to scrub clean
There was no building that
wasn't burnt to an absolute crisp
The laughing dragons noted down
another wondrous trip
All the churches did indeed receive
three hundred and thirty-three degrees
The poor clergymen were seen praying
whilst fallen down upon their knees
As the puissant dragons kept up their
ferocious attack, some pastors were heard
screaming for the good lord to come back
When the libraries burned down
it was such a terrible loss for the town
as the most intelligent of the peoples
were nowhere to be found
Then all the pubs and neon clubs were ravaged and wrecked
The fire-breathing dragons just said, "We don't give a feck."
“gobbledygook”
the waters of vegetarianism need not be murky
even living on a commune in Albuquerque
but of some folks i’ve misgivings
of their Thanksgiving giving’s
so ask what the feck is tofurky
So, farewell then, Father Jack
Let this be writ upon a plaque
"All things pass;
Drink, feck, ****..."
by Gail
Big Data
What if we build a smart computer
so smart we call it AI
what if it grew so clever
cleverer than you or I
What if we build a big computer
to handle all that data
it becomes self aware
to solve our mysteries better
What if it discovers something
an origin a singularity
true nature of existence
dark matter or dark energy
So utterly astonishing
without the smallest doubt
it decides not to tell us
in case we freak-the-feck-out
Two toilets converged in a murky room,
Frustrated I couldn't decide on both
And be a reveler , long I fumed
Stared em down, my dignity in doom
To where it no longer became a joke;
Then took the other just as a dare,
And having perhaps the same amount of shame
Because it was available and wanted wear;
And because I really didnt care
Souless toilets did equally maim
And both night equally lay
In a stench where you MUST turn back
Oh, I was cursed for drinking all day!
Now my dignity was on display
I doubted if I would ever get it back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two toilets converged in a murky room
I took one different to the other guys
And thats made feck all difference.
Pain in my back
Pain in my knee
Pain in my neck
No respite for me
Some day’s worse than others
Impossible to tell
How my body will feel
Feck an headache as well
It starts with the alarm
Each morning in bed
I open my eyes
With a feeling of dread
Can I turn on my side
Without feeling a pain
Shoot through my body
Each day just the same
Find a position
Till the pain eases down
Swing my legs over the edge
Wearing a frown
Trying to stand
Wakes the pain in my knees
Struggling to straighten
Oh this life’s not a breeze
Finally upright
Or so it may seem
Now off to the bathroom
My hips start to scream
Slowly I’m getting there
The pains not so bad
Starting to dress
Nearly ready, I’m glad
Then I remember
The part I dread most
Putting my socks on
The moment draws close
Foot on a stool
Sock in two hands
Struggling to reach
Unable to bend
Pain in my back
Pain in my thighs
Sock on my toes
I give out a sigh
But the fun isn’t over
I stretch down behind
To pull the sock on my foot
I’m out of my mind
Finally I make it
The socks all in place
Now for the left foot
Anguish on my face
Eventually I’m ready
So I’ll finish this rhyme
In my car off to work
Where there’s more tales for another time
Dear mother, can you remember me
here a clue my name begins with d
the one you left so you could be free
Try to explain, you’ll be told
TO FECK UP
Thou in life I have failed
at least I tried, you fecking bailed
Dear Cathy, do you like to joke?
I do allot, but it’s a cloak
cover all feelings, emotions broke
Try to explain, you’ll be told
TO FECK UP
Thou in life I have failed
at least I tried, you fecking bailed
Dear miss Scott, I’m not unreasonable
I’m sure you were unstable
i always deal with what on my table
Try to explain, you’ll be told
TO FECK UP
There are people who smoke their coffee, eat cigarettes, snort beer and throwaway food. Are they ill in the head? Their life tapping out a story. Unknown realities straight out of a comic book. See the girl poet crawl on all fours. I'm going to ride her like a horse. Then feck her and write about it.
We all eat ice-cream from the dictator's shoe. It's slightly sweaty but we don't complain. Here, the jails are packed tenfold a dozen. We spend every third weekend there, for fun and games. I cuddle up to Turk 182. I'm his . He's my slave. We'll get wed after the trial. Death Row will be a breeze then, together.
See Joey Deacon on Blue Peter. What a good thing he did for England and us mere mortal kids. Us who're crap at football and maths. You missed the net, you spaz. Silly Joey, can't add up. Then there was Ian Dury and his Spasticus Artisticus song. What a classic. Makes my nerves twitch and my feet dance.
Got your sexy sister washing my Fiat Panda car. She's wearing her bikini and no bottoms. Look how she moves, each wipe of her sponge turning me on. You can take her after me. Trust me, she's a dirty girl. Worse than your cousin. Let's do them both. We can film it and have a feck party. Oh what joy.
We swim in the frozen lake, three miles above sea level. The cold brown water is a joy to behold. As are car size floating icebergs. It's so thrilling, going skinny dipping here. I'd call it night swimming but it's daylight all year round. We pop some speed and we're fine. Our bodies are like Cassie, resistant to life.
There was a lady called Zon Zon. She sucked my dock behind the garages after school. Each and every single day. Rain or shine. I compare the memories in my head. From age thirteen to age twenty six. It feels the same. She's more sexier. Our partners allow us this small desire. Daily fun.
Made In China
Your electrical items stop working one by one
First the kettle stops boiling even tho the red light’s on
Then your microwave stops heating tho it turns round
It gets fixed and works for a week then is totally dead
As for your TV it turns on but has a single line across it
The VHS video player ate the **** tape and jammed
Your radio gets nothing but static on all channels
The mobile phone charges but dies after 3 minutes
The other charger that lights up but doesn’t charge
Red LOS modem light means no connection
Along with a new fan with a burnt out motor
Your car radio eats tapes ejects CDs and smokes
The aircon is clunky and spreads a virus killing us
All items made in Red China sub standard parts junk
Unskilled low paid slave labour don’t give a feck
Don’t buy anything made in Red China its crap
When classes break
we’re on the clock
don’t jam up the hall
don’t stand there and talk
Get out of my way
I have places to go
why the fecking-feck
are people so slow?
I hop down escalators
I fairly run down halls
I get bored in the elevators
I bounce off the walls
I plan ahead
I plot my course
through crowds I thread
it’s almost a sport
Tik tock people
no, not the app
stop acting like sheeple
I need a coffee between classes.
Excuse me,
I don’t mean to whine
but if you’re not at the front of the line
you can run out of time.
Once you can order, there’s no time to play
“Un croque-monsieur et un grand crème, s'il vous plaît”
and it isn’t a moment before you’re on your way.
as I’m sipping my coffee
students full up the line
as I savor my sandwich
some will run out of time
This swarm of students
are supposed to be brilliant
but they’re too cool to hurry
I shrug - c'est la vie
.
.
Songs for this:
Le Breakfast Club de Paris by Gabrielle Chiararo
C'est Si Bon by In-Grid
.
.
breakfast order:
croque-monsieur = a grilled ham & cheese breakfast sandwich
grand creame = a large coffee with heavy cream
See how the alcoholic wants his drink. He's got a black can of strong cider. He's in the queue behind me. I sense his agitation. He fidgets, moving from one foot to the other.
I must have my drink!
His eyes fixed upon the cashier and customers. I'm getting my shopping. I make the alkie wait. Feck him. When I've paid, it's his turn. I carry my bags and leave. He hurries past me, a spring in his step.
I hear a pfft as he opens his cider and drinks while still in the store. We leave the shop. He's with his friend. It's a one sided friendship. I watch him hurry happily away. Oldham's finest.
Fecking loser.
Hi how you doing
I’m doing fine, how about you
I’m okay, well I’m not really
Go on tell me about it, that’s what us ex’s are for.
It’s Joe.
Joe, that’ll be my replacement.
He doesn’t seem to want to do it.
When you say do it, do we mean sex.
Yes, strange isn’t it.
I don’t know, I don’t know Joe.
He’s a man, what is there to know.
Why is he not chasing you around the house.
I don’t know, what happened to us.
You dumped me.
I know, but why.
Let me see now, oh yeah, you said you wanted a ring, marriage, children, house, and a pony. I said I didn’t like ponies, you said that’s the last straw. I said, exactly, do you know how much straw costs. You said, shut up about the straw. I said, where would we put a pony. You said, shut the feck up about the pony, shut the feck up about the straw. Do you want to marry me or not? I sort of got lost for words, and by the time I got round to saying I would love to marry you, you were away with Joe.
You’re so full of crap, you ran a mile, actually, you and that pony have a lot in common, you’re both mule-headed.
You’re still with Joe, did he give you a pony.
No, he gave me something else.
Frustration
It’s not all about sex you know, he’s saving himself.
That’ll be the biggest coming this year then.
I don’t know why I phoned you, you do my head in.
You need to borrow me till Joe’s ready.
No, I don’t, celibacy is the in thing now.
Well, in that case, I just want to congratulate on your resolve.
Are you seeing anyone.
No, I’m going through a monking phase at the moment, new habit.
So we could meet as friends then.
I don’t see why not, a friend in need is a friend in need.
I think that’s a friend indeed.
Indeed it is friend.
Should I bring a bottle round.
That would be a friendly thing to do.
You won’t mention Ponies will you.
I won’t mention Ponies.
Okay, I’ll bring Joe with me.
What.
I need to send him back, the post office is on the way.
Ha ha, nice one.
You may have a recurring dream
that you are not really the jerk
you believe yourself to me.
You may wake-up with a hangover
but can’t recall what caused it,
this is a sure sign.
Sitting on the side of the bed to meditate,
you may realize it’s far too late -
you gotta get going;
blinking you mumble “feck it.”
A voice in your head says: ”Go get em kid.”
You may plod barefoot
into the kitchen to brew coffee
only to stub your toe
on the edge of some hard reality
the sharp stab of pain
sets you off cussing again.
Meanwhile God has translocated
from His ineffable presence within the within;
to grab your mind and shove it up your butt.
You laugh but seriously have to visit the toilet.
What more signs do you need?
~~~~~~~~~
Title seen on a YouTube video.
“such much about nothing”
feck and friggin to my chagrin
while trying to monorhyme like Lin
i find i’m back at square one once again
in a square root of one imaginary unit tailspin