Best Farts Poems
I love to fart, it stands me tall,
the raucous rumbling, belly bell,
all look around with eyes aghast,
to witness such a mighty blast.
when before the beak for slander foul,
I gave him one that made him scowl,
“does Sir require a time alone?”
I farted down his crony’s phone.
and if I’m lauded, like Le Potomane,
I light one to produce a tongue of blue
incandescent flame; thus lit, the room
and shadows prance, about the room
the dragons dance
and when in battle we cower from gun,
and want to encourage my comrades on,
I crouch below hell’s muddy trench, and
thus release the devil’s stench
then running forward death all around, I
fart the bugle’s curdling sound, and to
the enemy’s quick dumbfound, so
soon we seize triumphant ground
you see for me it is no shame, to unleash
the belly’s dogs of war, and oft when
travelling by first class, I give them a blast
from boiling ass
when love speaks strong and passion cries,
beneath the sheets there are no lies, so ahhs!!
or Oohs!! I never start, but let rip a lover’s
orgasmic fart
look: tis not the wallet, watch or jewel, that
creates the jinx, and mocks the fool, a prettier
penny lies beneath;
tis the fart; and jealous mule, the thief.
There just isn't enough febreeze
to rid the room of the haze
Of a dog fart, strong and silent
It kind of puts you in a daze
It kind of sneaks in, then it hits you
An olfactory h-bomb in your face
Meanwhile, he just lies there
He's wiped the room with **** mace
There is no middle ground here
They always smell like something died
Like he caught a squirrel in the garden
Now, it's rotting his insides
Dog farts, are a weapon
That our army has not used
In fact I told them in a letter
In their reply, they were amused
"We've tried to duplicate it"
"A killer weapon... stops the heart"
"But, our scientists just aren't able"
"To reproduce a strong dog fart"
"Thank you for your consideration"
"We'll let you know, if we succeed"
"We agree with your kind letter"
"dog farts escape and then they breed"
Sometimes when a dog farts
It makes a noise, he turns around
"my god, I smell incredible"
is the look comes from my hound
So, if you've never smelled a dog fart
And your dog just sneaks one out
Do yourself a favour
Do not feed him brussel sprouts.
Paint me with your purple passion
Give me a red reasons to ration
My soul food hot and old fashioned
Melting like butter won’t be lasting
In my heart love isn’t lacking
Let lips spark body thrashing
True love is art no one acting
Sending to stars like ship casting
Despite dark emotions blasting
Somber days replaced so happy
Peach pray to be lavender laughing
Seen and esteemed Nubian nappy
Turquoise times accepted gladly
Mahogany mind fermented madly
Brain farts produce art so sappy
Your love I trust not fasting
There’s nothing like a mother in law.
My mother in law is quite a trip.
Every time she gets up from a chair
she has to let one rip.
I mean, you will never participate
in a fart like one of these.
You know without a doubt
who cracked that awful cheese.
She just fans it and goes her way.
Just as sassy as your please,
as if it wasn’t her that
stirred that awful breeze.
I thought I would shame her once
and cut her to the floor.
She just laughed and hiked that hip
and gave me one or two more.
And as the green fog raised the roof
I gagged, rubbing my eyes and swore,
Mom, you’re the champ, I can’t beat
that hole you just blew through the door.
© Jun 7 2011 Charles Henderson
For Brian's 2,4,6, or 8 line form contest
The skunk farts
fox squeaks and moves away...
defensive trait
Category:doobutsu; Kigo:skunk
Olusegun Arowolo
Here I sit, the screen is blank
Nothing is coming to mind
I search and search my tiny brain
For a theme of any kind
Nothing doing, my brain is numb
It's happened to me before
When it happens panic takes over
I pace up and down the floor
Wait a minute something's coming
A brain fart is on it's way
I know the feeling all too well
Cataclysmic, I'd have to say
I frantically type as verses flow
Don't stop me I'm in the zone
It's a weird creative frenzy I'm in
My brain is functioning on my own
As words begin to fill the screen
Can't believe what my eyes do see
A poem appears just like bloody magic
And it's signed by little old me
Now tell me how this happens I beg
This brain fart phenomenon
Wish I could really get control of it
It's appears and then it's gone!
© Jack Ellison 2015
Blue whale fart bubbles are big enough to swallow a horse
Can't imagine how they know, must have an underwater source
Maybe a smartass starfish
With a human-like gift
Thinks he's world-famous and looks great in fish shorts
Sue constantly gobbles her food
Then belches, it sounds rather rude
Next thing she starts farting
Foul stench is departing
From parties folk now Sue exclude
I’m having a party tonight
Sue pleaded to have an invite
I put black charcoal powder
In her portion of chowder
Sue’s buttocks stayed clenched very tight!
Sue purchased some charcoal biscuit
The charcoal really did its bit...
At a dinner party
She’s no longer farty
And chooses where she wants to sit!
8/13/19
Funny Farts
______________________
It's really kinda funny,
the sounds the body makes
although it's really gross
the laughter it creates.
Some make a tootie toot,
while others blow a horn
some fizzle before they start
while another big boom is born.
Sometimes they squeak like mice,
but some are loud like thunder
I suppose it's from what we eat
it really makes me wonder.
Some people get embarrased,
why others could care less
I guess we all have funny farts
that noone will confess.
6/17/14-Jessica Thompson
Diverticula pits up her colon
Can’t eat much or intestines get swollen
Ma's farts are so stinky
She swears with her pinky
Ain’t gonna stop her from goin’ bowl’n
Ma, gran, and Fran’s bowling tournament
I sat far knowing their predicament
Fran’s blasts were the loudest
Best bowler and proudest
It’s never again and that’s permanent
Dear wife Cathie is always saying
“Ain't no insanity in our family
Coz you dear hubby, you have it all”
Overflowing with a bunch of sillies
“You don't leave any for anyone else”
Pretty damn heartless of me
Sorry I don't mean to be a great big hog
Been loony since the age of three
Rating my farts is really important
Tells me if my diet's working good
Too much fibre, and that obnoxious odour
Can foul up the whole neighbourhood
Realize this is not a subject for a poem
But I had to unload it on someone
What are friends for but to help out friends
To help in control of one's bum
Dear wife Cathie is always saying
Ain't no insanity in our family!
© Jack Ellison 2013
LAUGHS AND FARTS
I laugh at Jan's bawdy poems with farts - and her use of body parts
01/10/2021
Contest: Tease A friend
Sponsor:Bobby May
this company is heading straight to the top
with our new improved line of fairy farts
soon our catch phrase will be all over the place
a slight touch of magic in a jar
first and foremost a disclaimer though
in the making of farts not one fairy was harmed
we house and feed, take care of their every need
so there's no need for alarm
once we discovered how the toots could be used
down here on fairy farm
we've had all our men chase after them
capturing bottom barks into a jar
then by hand we transfer them
from pint up to gallon size
to be used all the way from laundry detergent
to a line of makeup that's soft on the eyes
we even have samples of candles
bath and body works just bought the whole lot
plus it runs machines cheaper than gasoline
so far the highest bid is from Exon
we're also in talks of a contract
with a highly secretive govern(mental) agency
who wants all the gas with no questions asked
but on that we'll have to wait and see
in the mean time our workers continue to bottle it up
all the fairy farts from all the fairy butts
it's a job that flatuates deep to the heart
but with this job what's not to love
as you watch the fairies flutter to and fro
hearing the cute little toots wherever they go
who would have guessed who could have known
how much a business like this would grow
Here I sit, the screen is blank
Nothing is coming to mind
I search and search my tiny brain
For a theme of any kind
Nothing doing, my brain is numb
It's happened to me before
When it happens panic takes over
I pace up and down the floor
Wait a minute something's coming
A brain fart is on it's way
I know the feeling all too well
Cataclysmic, I'd have to say
I frantically type as verses flow
Don't stop me I'm in the zone
It's a weird creative frenzy I'm in
My brain is functioning all on my own
As words begin to fill the screen
Can't believe what my eyes do see
A poem appears just like bloody magic
And it's signed by little old me
Now tell me how this happens I beg
This brain fart phenomenon
Wish I could really get control of it
It's appears and then it's gone!
© Jack Ellison 2014
It is always at Christmas that I feel the spirits
of my family the most
and as I unwrap the Christmas tree decorations
that I inherited from my mother
and grandma I can hear them sigh with love
I touch the decorations like they were the most precious
things in the world
and the spirits gather to wrap me in a tender embrace
and it is wonderful, blissful, divine
until, one spirit lets out a huge fart
that one is father, for sure
oh, he could be a real stinker in life
and its nice to know he has not changed
in his heavenly realm
I can hear mom and grandma and grandpa
and my sister giggling
it is just like the Christmases of yesteryear
full of love and laughter
and my husband is quietly holding our baby boy
in his arms smiling (for they both RIP)
oh, even my sweet grandma used to let out
a silent stinker as she passed by
I would give anything to have my family back
(even with the loud farts and the silent stinkers)
_____________________
September 18, 2021
Poetry/Free Verse/Farts and Silent Stinkers
Copyright Protected, ID 09-1389-684-18
All Rights Reserved, 2021, Constance La France
Written for the Premier contest, Fart-tastic
sponsor, Chantelle Anne Cooke, Judged 09/27/2021
First Place