I see that look in your eyes,
That sparkle with shine,
Asking me for something more
That I cannot provide.
I don’t want to hurt you again.
Why give you half of me
When you deserve me at my best,
And I’m just not there yet?
I want to tell you, you can trust me.
Your feelings are safe in my hands,
But I might end up letting go
And chasing after something that’ll hurt me more.
I know you’re what’s best for me if I healed,
If I stayed focused and put myself first.
I could be the man of your dreams,
Instead, I’m like any other man.
I wish I was like Atlas and could carry your load.
I’d tell you my cup is empty, but I can take more.
But I’m on the edge, with one more bad day
Enough to make me spill everything over.
Self doubt, too look up dares not
Who, with dropped reins says:
" Of its trust, all, now placed in
Your hands, Lord, not mine.
Whose guide's, which holed route on is
Filled deeper, sadder.
Life's coachman's. Life's broad speaking.
Til its sun's decline."
A storm boils and simmers
It never goes away
The rumble the ligtning
The darkness
He can love you forever
He can love you in actions
He can love you in words
The storm will still build and tear you down
You need to love you
Need to give yourself kindness
You need to care for you
.... need to know you deserve it and maybe then the storm will fade.
I go down now, thinking about my life
Thinking about how it could not suffice
My greed, my boundless wants
and all of my empty flaunts.
As the endless sea pulls me down
I wonder upon my death, will anyone break down?
Were my relations honest or were they false?
I believe I'll never know, as death and I perform a waltz.
I cannot tell what waits ahead of me
but I hope it's peace and serenity.
The bonfire wasn't comforting me anymore,
it was burning me inside out.
I thought it was odd, how it could be!
Maybe it's all my fault for not being able to tolerate the warmth
and blaming this comfortable symmetry.
I return back near,
leaving my doubt and fear.
This time, ashes were rising above,
but I kept my thoughts grounded.
Those all were darkening me from outside,
still, I was holding myself tight,
as I thought it was my darkness that was luring me.
Somewhere back there, along the road
I made a wrong turn
Now the lord has sat me down
Cause it was my time to learn
Life's been a series of harsh lessons
I care less to pass every test
The blocker of my own blessings
Why do I settle for less
Less than what I deserve
Less than what I'm destined
You live my life while I observe
Plagued by second-guessing
Self-medicated to avoid
The pain that came with stressing
As a result, it only feels like
It's been days since adolescence
How is it that one changes directions
After trekking the wrong path
Knowing nothing fruitful awaits
In the rearview of your past
Moving forward only makes sense
How long did it take before you discovered
There's no sense in looking back
Only putting one foot in front of the other
A haunting piece whose power lies in how it encapsulates the inner voice of doubt, that many experience, but rarely articulate.
Does it feel personal and universally relatable, a fragile cry that lingers in the silence after the final question?
The Monologue of Self Doubt
(A lone voice whispers)
There's a secret place I sometimes go
Where the birds don't play
For all hopes of love and happiness have flown away
A sacred place where the skies are dull and grey all day
Sailing by lonely, with nothing to say
As I pray to a strange God and whisper
Why did you make me this way?
(C)
Copyright John Duffy
Am I that one girl,
the one with a seed,
that one with potential
to make it big?
Am I that girl
who's good but never great?
That one who would've made it
had the circumstances changed?
Am I that one who worked
too hard, only to hear
her hard work wasn't enough,
that others were simply better?
Am I that one girl
who will promise you a win
only to disappoint
when the result is revealed?
Heart, what do you want?
Is it in front?
Uttering those whispers,
You show me hopes of glimmers.
Heart, are you confused?
While my soul is used.
But you, be at ease.
As the divine will show you peace.
Late autumn afternoon
on the beach a broken branch
sways to the overtures
of lapping waves, contemplating
on whether to trust again after
the pain of wind’s betrayal.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The night moves so slowly in an undulating slither
When you’re waiting anxiously alone in the dark,
Wondering where he is tonight, as if it really matters.
Your sacred beliefs about love will never be the same.
You feel you’ll never know how to truly trust again.
It’s too frightening to leave, too painful to stay
When your deceived and broken heart leads you astray,
Waiting for the next soul wrenching sin.
In the season of silence when no answers can be heard
You cannot even tell yourself the truth.
You simply wait, believing your heart-numbing death is near.
It's another wretched love affair, dripping with lies and satire.
It’s not worth your time; not worth your tears.
The lesson lies so deep inside, where your illusions will not go.
Betrayal is an icon of mastery used to steel your soul.
See it for what it truly is and no longer blame yourself.
There is a purer love that rises above the pettiness of this world.
The lesson is Learn to First Love Yourself. It frees you to carry on.
Just as you make me proud
I want to make you proud too
But I don't know what I doubt
That keeps me shackled to the ground
And prevents me from achieving my goals
Fear of failure grips me tight
As I fight to loosen its grasp
It has over my mind and soul
Dragging me down to depths of despair
Holding me back in inertia
Denying me to see pride shine
In the eyes of the ones I love.
Endless tasks I chase,
But meaning slips through my hands—
What am I doing?
The worst enemy of not doing things is yourself
Still searching for my permanent address,
seeking where I really live, fit in.
Suspended between life’s already-happened
and soon-to-be-memories moments.
Longing for a white-picket-fenced home,
landscaped in self-trust, self-respect,
with room for a full-of-love heart.
Instead, I discover a crumbling castle,
mossy, dank dungeon of the mind
imprisons me.
The jagged nettles of cruel abuse
doled out by my dark thoughts
pierce my soul.
Spirit sapped, barely staying alive.
Hope, in one tiny sliver of daylight
in the cracked castle wall,
penetrates the darkness.
When push comes to shove,
will there be enough shove left in me
to rise above,
to finally reside in happily-ever-after?
My choice.
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