I evacuate
sitting on a throne
of waste…
till something live
emerges – taking
inspiration, wherever
it comes from…
the writer strains
filling bowls
and wastepaper baskets
inspiration navigating
internals and beyond
I am a Literary Proctologist
claiming from recycles
deciphering bottomless spirit scents
"semi colon"
my proctologist told me
Pluto is not a planet
but Uranus is
Proctologist meets gorgeous female.
She’s a dentist who drinks ginger ale.
Both put their hands places
Most would not think was aces
One fixing bottoms, the other braces.
i walked in
through the
open double
doors
and heard
a disembodied
voice ask what can
i do
you for
as car
hoods
were
left open
as mouths
at a dentists
and
other cars
were on lifts
being examined
letting out
bodily fluids as if
a proctologist
snapping off
her gloves
speaks saying
let it all run out
then after we will
refill
but i at the bay
door was standing
naked but seemed un
seen
so i yelled
i'm in need
of a complete
overhaul
start
with
the
heart
Enthusiastic astronomer Phillip Jaynus
spent all his life looking at Uranus
He was also a qualified proctologist
I hope the subtle connection isn't missed!
4/13/19
Jerry Packard was an entomologist
for which he was far from an apologist.
He's glad he faced down
his professor's frown
for refusing to become a proctologist
People laugh and make fun of me because I wear a coonskin cap.
But they'll stop laughing because I'm through taking their crap.
People say that my cap makes me look silly.
They say that it makes me look like a hillbilly.
This morning a city slicker called me a hick and he called my hound dog a mutt.
He was laughing very hard but he stopped when I put some buckshot in his butt.
He started running after I shot both of his cheeks.
He won't be able to sit down for about twelve weeks.
If you see me face to face, you may point, laugh and make fun.
But unless you want to visit a proctologist, you'd better remember that I own this shotgun.
(This is a fictional poem.)
I had it made until my stupid wife ruined me.
I was rich until she went on a spending spree.
She spent it all before I even had the chance to stop her.
I had ten million bucks but because of her, I'm a pauper.
I was the richest man in my town but now I'm the most poor.
People are giving me funny looks because I'm buying clothes in a second hand store.
She forgot to insure the cars that she bought, even the Ferrari.
I only have ten dollars left and that jezebel isn't one bit sorry.
A tornado came last week and destroyed every vehicle that she bought.
If you're wondering if I think about strangling her, I think about it a lot.
She also spent a lot of my money on male strippers, booze and grass.
Now she's going to need a proctologist to remove my foot from her ass.
(This is a fictional poem)
My peach tree only had one peach and my brother decided to pick it.
I grabbed it out of his hand and you know where I decided to stick it.
My brother was really pissed.
He had to go to a Proctologist.
He took me to court and the judge ordered me to pay the doctor for removing the peach from his ass.
That made me very mad and I started giving that judge sass.
I threw a punch at the judge when he held me in contempt.
But he had a black belt in karate and now I walk with a limp.
When it came to that damn peach, I should've let my brother eat it.
This has been a bad experience and I sure as hell will never repeat it.
(This is a fictional poem)
Ophthalmologist
Checked eyes
Have styes
Proctologist
Drop drawers
Up yours
Plastic Surgeon
Replace
Plain face
Gastroenterologist
Pass gas
No class
Dermatologist
All sorts
Of warts
Audiologist
Can't hear
Bad ear
Dentist
No Floss
Gross dross
Psychiatrist
Your bean
Not keen
Podiatrist
Big toe
Must go
ENT Specialist
Ope' maw
Say ahhh
Allergist
Please sneeze
Don't wheeze
Cardiologist
Poor bloke
Had stroke
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
(c) 2015 All Rights Reserved
Entry for Judy Konos' "Your Footle Poem" Contest
Caught by the believe -
That beyond the clouds -
Roams little green men -
With magicmaker pens -
They fly through space -
Proctologist is on this case -
They beam you up -
If your name does not start with Scotty -
They will ream you're butt -
So you see -
My excuse was easy -
I told the judge my reason why I ran -
It was dark without lights -
If it were aliens instead of cops -
You woulda seen my chops
Wheeling down a pram -
Forsure , yes mam
Got referred to a female Urologist
After which I needed a Psychologist
"I'm a licensed physician
Now resume your position!"
Next appointment? Her sister Proctologist
I should've learned french before going to a restaurant.
What I ordered there was food that I sure didn't want.
I made the mistake of ordering cerveau and escargot.
When I learned that it was brains and snails, I said that it had to go.
When I refused to eat it, the chef threw me out a window and I got a shard of it in my ass.
I went to a proctologist and he asked me five hundred bucks to remove that piece of glass.
I refused to pay it and I got thrown through a window again.
Now I have two shards of glass in my butt, I can never win.
I can no longer sit down, I have to be suspended by a winch.
If you decide to eat at that restaurant, you'd better learn french.
(This is a fictional poem.)
I sincerely apologize if I seem curt.
I have a nail up my ass and it hurts.
My brat of a daughter pulled the trigger on my nailgun.
She'll be going to the wood shed for what she's done.
The nail that's up my ass is in there pretty deep.
The Proctologist laughed because he's a creep.
Since he was mean, I decided to be even meaner.
I grabbed my nailgun and put a nail in his wiener.
He got very angry and he raised his voice.
The nail is still up my ass so what I did wasn't a good choice.
This nail hurts like hell, it's like being stabbed with a knife.
I hope I don't have this nail up ass for the rest of my life.
(THIS IS A FICTIONAL POEM.)
I watch our liberal congress with little admiration
As they show their family values to our entire nation
They say if you don’t have time for children
Because you’re in a hurry
Just murder them before they’re born
Then you won’t have to worry
It would be nice just for once
To believe in some of the things they said
But they have to call a proctologist
When they can’t find their head
So I dreamed I went to Washington
To ask them to change course
But I found that I was talking to
The north end of a south bound horse
Before congress goes into session
They pass around large receptacles
I thought they were collecting documents
But they were collecting testicles
In order to clean out Washington
The Pied Piper would be nice
Although we voted for human beings
We seem to have elected mice
It’s time to elect people
Who aren’t afraid to say what they think
Than have the same old congress
With the same old stink.
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