Hello, my dear Margarita.
Trust me, sweet muy bonita.
Indeed, lovely Ms. Lillico -
my dear Margarita, hello!
One moment of your precious time -
I'll sell so cheap, it is a crime.
Won't you allow me to come in?
I'll sell so cheap it is a sin!
Thank you, I'll just unpack my case.
Oh, this low price is a disgrace
for something that's sure to delight
when you read on a sultry night.
Count them like petals of a rose
(and I'll throw in free pantyhose).
On installments, it's billable,
a pittance for each syllable.
It's not a diss track on modesty
Haven't butt on the right pair yet
Of pantyhose, ladyjohns
Walking in lightning storms
With kinky science
Between my legs
Unexplained
Runs, slides
Down
Oh, my gosh, I’m freaking and feel such dread.
What the hay is this nonsense on my head?
I can’t go to work, can't enter the office!
I will be seen, visible to peers and bosses,
be the fool who provided entertainment gossip.
God, please, send help, I am stress-nauseous.
I do not care about appearing faultless,
but I'd rather errantly tuck a dress in my hose
and walk through the office cluelessly exposed
than have everyone think this is what I choose.
I wonder if I should call in with a case of ugly,
hire someone to gently, but effectively mug me?
Perhaps I'll get pulled and cuffed on the roadside
for publicly exposing the ugliest hair ever dyed.
Shame a wig class wasn't at business school:
"How to Avoid Looking Like the Office Fool."
I look like a horrified, horror movie hostess.
Even my own mirror is refusing to focus.
Here I am, paler than even fresh new snow,
with midnight black hair grooving to and fro.
My very first dye and, oh my, I could just die!
Box said ‘brown’, now I'm so down, I might cry.
Universe, please – send a natural disaster,
nothing fatal, it's just one repair day I’m after.
Joseph William Namath
was known to be bold and brash
predicted a major Super Bowl upset win
then modeled Beautymist pantyhose with a grin
My dumpster's ablaze, it's on fire
To destroy his flames of desire
I've burnt all his clothes
And HER pantyhose
He'd denied affair - damn liar!
"Whole Wheat"
Trench coats
Pantyhose
Riding lo
Knee high
Nehi soft
Drink
Drunk
Drinkers
Drunk on a
Plasibo
Please no
Tell me it's no
Lie
Laying on like
Mayo laid on
I'm toasted
Tomato
Lettuce but no
Bacon beaconing that
I'm vegan BURP
My lactose
Baby
Can we hang
Out before
I kill the
Ah...
Conversation
Turning to views
Of political intrigue
Triggering
My AK-47
Mouth to
Shout
Out out loud
Loudly tattarrattat
Meaning
Absolutely
Unrefutably
And
As usual
Casually
Nothing
In any of the
USA God save
The queen of the
King James
Joyce hidden
In Gideon Bible
Phrases proclaiming
A swerve of short
Of a short to a
Bend
A way
A lone
At last
Loved
Loved long
As Adam and Eve
Long
And for
Always will
And always will
Cyclically forever
Endlesslessly ever
Be
Wiggle those toes, baby girl, wiggle those toes.
It is fun to finally get off those scratchy pantyhose.
She laughs with delight, as the spigot drips like a nose.
Tiny drops of water landing with splashes on her happy toes.
Shiny black expensive leather shoes
No pumps, support pantyhose, nor previous experience
Just God, talent, pen, paper
First female president
I have a unique talent everyone knows
I can balance cheerios on my middle toes
On both feet, and sometimes off of my nose
If I dunk them in chocolate and one of them glows.
Thousands want this secret from the Eskimos
Does it start with butterfly kisses, do you suppose?
The rumors run in circles tight like my garden hose
Here is the first part, you have to wear orange clothes
Secondly, you have to know two cousins, both Joes.
I cannot tell you the next two parts, said my Uncle Mose.
I rolled my eyes at his silliness, he wears pantyhose.
His stories are crazy, and blow as the wind blows.
It’s back to school, hip hip hooray
I’m so glad to be back today
I’ve got my bag and all my books
And practiced intellectual looks
Today’s first session is Miss Hughes
She’s five foot three in low heel shoes
Slim as any girl I’ve seen
She’s something like a beauty queen
The blackboard is a little high
But five foot three means ‘my o my’
She takes the chalk and there she goes
Stretching up on tippy toes
And goodness how my ardour grows
It’s stockings, not just pantyhose
I nearly see her ‘not-to-mention’
Which gets my absolute attention
She says, ‘Can you see, at the back’
I’m feeling my composure crack
I feel my heartbeat getting faster
She turns and says, ‘Oh Hi, Headmaster.’
14 September 2022
Contest: Back to School
Sponsor: Francine Roberts
I dashed off to the ladies' room
just after Sunday School was through.
The service that would soon begin,
I'd relish from my favorite pew.
As I sailed down the lengthy hall,
I felt the cool, conditioned air--
more in the back than in the front,
but I trucked on, Miss Unaware!
I reached the sanctuary door
and saw that I was not alone.
A red-faced deacon spoke to me--
few words, low voice, with gentle tone.
I spluttered "Thanks" and fled the scene
my problem to eliminate,
slinked in the back, and took a seat.
I prayed my shame would soon abate.
What lesson did I learn that day?
That, to avoid such Sunday woes,
I really must be sure my dress
is not tucked in my pantyhose.
January 3, 2021
entered in the Funny Memories Contest Placed 1st
Sponsor: Natasha L. Scragg
Ken sits and stares from his pink cadillac.
She’s unlike the pretty girl he dated.
Birthday suit stretched on tight over nude slacks.
She’s definitely not overstated.
Ken thinks his Godiva’s lost her mind.
Nevertheless he buys her a pony
to ride and a very long wig that blinds.
Barbie giddyaps — she’s fancy-free.
It is as simple as that, she’s cut out
her fashion wardrobe, wears no pantyhose.
She was a lifetime working girl, devout.
Tired of modeling, Barbie wears no clothes.
5/7/2021
A lady with a weak bladder*
Thought nothing could make her madder
But Heaven knows
Her pantyhose
Revealed a soaking-wet ladder!
*Weight gain stretches bladder muscle causing
leakage. The French strengthen bladder muscle by
blowing up balloons. The Japanese prefer sitting on
a wooden stool and repetitiously lifting their legs level
to the floor, but the quickest results are achieved by
the Manx Method developed by avid researcher Jan
Allison, which consists of standing on one's head
and farting along with the 1812 Overature!
Walking on a windy day ,in San Francisco,
I suddenly felt a hanger around my feet.
I looked down and no kidding, there were
my red underpants lying about my ankles
on busy Polk Street!
What does a lady do in such quirky situation?
My face turned beet red as the underpants in
Great social consternation.
The street shoppers, well, some stared at me.
I just wished I were high in an Oak tree!
Improv training, jumped right to the fore.
I picked them up and put them on with total
grace and galore!
Luckily, I did have pantyhose on.
My very short skirt and bottom warmed by the
West Coast sun!
11-17-2020
At home, his room was full of pantyhose -
he'd strangled scores of homeless girls and kept
the nylon trophies, each a memory
(reminding him of how they'd begged and wept).
He planned the brunette's murder as she slept...
written 2nd November for Anthony's Darkness contest
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