BE NICE AT HALLOWEEN
Trick or treaters were having a good time
Grumpy Joe said you aren't getting a dime
He swore then he went inside
Kids were upset and some cried
So, on his porch they threw foul smelling slime...
THANKSGIVING HORROR
For Thanksgiving Pete asked Sue to his house
For eats he had ice cream, turkey, and grouse
Sue let out a loud scream
When out of the ice cream
A small head appeared t'was a baby mouse...
CHRISTMAS DISASTER
Fred went with pals for a Christmas curry
Felt pains and said guys "I've got to hurry"
But Fred was left enraged
All the loos were engaged
Felt warmth as his trousers filled with slurry...
Mr. Loo’s wife played pitcher on the junior league
Her tireless volunteering was impressive indeed.
She helped the customers who were in dire need.
Her shirt today features the “gal who was never full of greed.”
She was a great pitcher, and sometimes a batter too.
I have marvelous memories of this lady, wife of Mr. Loo.
the loos crystal clean
but where the Cabinet meets
stench of corruption
------------------------------
My neighbour, Mellifluous Myrtle
Her urine she’d stir with a spurtle
She’d give me a wink
Then down it as drink
She’s loopier than the mock turtle!
One Sunday we’d watched the Grand Prix
She proffered a flask of her pee
I said, “Sorry dear
It’s cloudy not clear -
I much prefer my English tea!”
Her pubic hair she'd tried to perm
The lotion gave a nasty burn
I phoned up Bill, her son
And said ,"Please visit mum,
Her conduct is cause for concern."
I recently heard some great news
That Myrtle’s son won a year cruise
I must hope and then pray
When they leave on Friday
Her bev’rages ain’t from the loos!
No water
The land is thirsty in Portugal.
Dams are like wadies
despair and dust
not yet noticed by city dwellers.
Flush their loos with enthusiasm
buy potable water
At the supermarket
More expensive than wine.
Meanwhile, tourists
Love Portugal
Naturally, they didn’t come
For rain.
She had a big issue with public toilets
All those dirty horrible germs
She would do her best to try and hold on
Until her home….she did return!
Her sister came to visit her
When she resided in Singapore
To enjoy a fun filled sister time
Exploring, shopping and more
This particular day they were shopping
In a big department store
When a sudden call of nature
Came a knocking at her door!
She scurried away to find a toilet
Her sister stayed to look at shoes
It was quite a distance and busy walk
Before she discovered the loos
Disliking public toilets so
Toilet paper was piled to cover the seat
In and out and hands washed
Business over and done…..complete!
Long , crowded walk back to her sister
Who soon said “Hang on whats that?…..turn around”
There hanging out of her black trousers
Was a long tail of white toilet paper…. nearly touching the ground!!
Heavenly Flushes
It makes one wonder if the angels blush
When heavenly loos need a stately flush
When it pees with rain do they feel exposed
Are toilets in heaven made from fine gold.
There’s another thing that I’d wish to know
To where o where do heaven’s flushes flow
Is pee angel rain, is earth heaven’s drain
Is that what helps grow a floral domain.
I got an answer that came in a dream
Heaven has a purifying machine
Angels pee is scent with magic content
Made from the master’s creative intent.
So do not be afraid to drink water
Every sister, brother, son or daughter
Streams, rivers and sea are pure as can be
Thank the angels for their gift of sweet pee.
7th October 2021
The Throne in Heaven Poetry Contest
Sponsored by: Jack Webster
I was playing 'hide and seek' with the youngsters,
For they needed much to do...
There was Jasmine, Amerish, Harry, Noah
And couple of others too.
Amerish couldn't find Jasmine.
She said, "She was hiding behind that door!"
So I opened the entrance to the ladies loos
And let out a mighty "ROAR!"
As you may have guessed,
Jasmine wasn't there!
But a lady was fixing her makeup
And fluffing out her hair!
I was all apologetic,
Tried to explain myself, but then
She politely stated,
"I need to go again!"
I returned to the main hall
And Jasmine was always there!
Right at the end of the table,
Behind the tallest chair...
The next time I see that lady,
Our conversation may well begin,
"Do you remember the night at the party
When you jumped out your skin?"
Written in 2018 - YOUR PERSONAL FAVOURITE CONTEST
I have been incredibly unwelcomed at my new position.
As a guidance counselor at a grade school one day a week.
This was told to me yesterday by the other counselor…
You have bus duty first thing in the morning.
At nine-fifteen you can help deep clean the loos.
What about my counseling classes I ask?
You will probably have to cancel those, she tells me.
I put on my favorite pink walking shoes and begin following her.
Here is Lysol, gloves, and sponges, she says.
We want you to wipe down the playground hourly.
As you may have guessed by now, my teaching partner is a peach.
She has also signed me up to do five lunch duties.
They start at 10:30 and end at 2:45.
I stare at her, incredulous.
How many duties do you have?
None now, she smirks. I have you!
Model Town had a cinema a long, long time ago
It used to cost us ten rupees to see a picture show.
Cowboy films and comedies, cartoons and pathe news
And intervals in between for us to visit the loos.
A two-hour show on weekday nights with three on Sundays
Friday was a day of rest when we would go to pray.
And theirs many a model town couple who met beneath its roof
Fell in love and married, which only goes to prove.
That when the television came and the old cinema had to go
Model Town lost a way of life and not just a picture show.
3 - e - w :
3 echoes each - every washroom
three e wishes
three easily earned early wishes
three e's-illy urned earl lee wishes
three silly urned earl lee wish-es
threes a'lee-urned earl lee-wish-s'
three'sa le-eurnt earl le-ewis-h-'s
thresa learnt ear-l-ewis h-'s
thresa learnt earl lewis hit songs
th-resa-learnt earl-lewis hit songs
the re-sale earn't 'er loose-hit-songs
the re-sailor'n't'er lews-hit-song
the re-sail or'en-ter lews-hits on-gee
(chorus)
the'rees-ail or'e-n-t'e'r loos-hits aun-gee
terry's ale - orients yer loo's-hits angee
stan sand
Single sexy stuttering simple sue,
Loved lean laughing lisping Lou,
She spoke softly slow sentences,
Lou lisped loud without pretences!
Often were out on romantic dates,
By heart and mind such good mates,
Joked and laughed their whole time,
Spoke in stutters and lisped in rhyme!
Said she one day in romantic note,
How do you likke mmmy leather coat?
He laughed lisped “ you loos fo dood!
By that he meant ‘you look so good!’
Days passed,they were ready to wed,
She wanted him one day in her bed,
She made the bold move and asked
If hhhe wwwould stay for breakfast?
He feigned a surprise with a smile,
He pretended about it for a while,
Then with a lisp he said “Yef, I fould!”
With that he meant “Yes! I would!”
That night together in love cocoon,
He opened all his heart to her soon,
To ‘suck’ with her was always his dream,
So she promptly took him out for an ice cream!
For those in love who stutter or lisp,
Here is a message, short and crisp,
If you want to say something inviting,
Do communicate your love, in writing!
Written 09/august/2020
Sponsor Kai Michael Neumann
It Sucks poetry contest!
The lockdown is over, all finished and so the
unfinished jobs should be done,
indoors painting ceilings, outdoors borders weeding,
and everything under the sun.
A toilet not flushing, a pipe outside gushing,
all fixed and now working just fine,
patio slabs needs fixing, some mortar needs mixing,
the Garden of Eden's like mine.
But now, after so long, where did it all go wrong?
There's so much I still need to do,
the patio I've bungled, the border's a jungle
and can't still use one of the loos.
The answer, I fear, is when having a beer
in the sunshine, and those days were many,
instead of just one, I had more, 'till they'd gone
and the jobs ticked as done? There weren't any.
My keenness was flagging, the missus was nagging,
each job I'd not done just glared back,
the rows all then started, surprised we've not parted,
if I worked for her, I'd be sacked.
Out comes measuring tape, for there's now no escape
do each job on the list 'till they're done,
One day I'll get a beer, but it will be, I fear
mid December, and there'll be no sun.
In the good old days,
Backyard loos were the way,
The old blip carter appears,
From a dim and distant year,
Had the blip can on his back,
Strode off down nostalgia's track!
We’ve done our weekly shopping
and I need to use the loo
arriving at the ladies
There is a massive queue
I stand in line cross legged
there are six in front of me
I wish people would hurry up
Cos I’m bursting for a pee
A mum arrives with her toddler
who is doing the wet knicker dance
she cries out very loudly
'I’ve gone and peed my pants'
We usher them in front of us
It’s the kindest thing to do
at least it’s only urine
and not a smelly pooh
Finally it’s my turn
and I sidle into the stall
then I notice the loo roll dispenser
which is fixed onto the wall
There’s a minute amount of toilet paper
poking out of the hole in the middle
I find emergency supplies in my handbag
I keep some spare to use when I piddle
My hubby will be patiently waiting
he’ll be playing spider solitare
next time I’m gonna use the gents loos
because there’s never a queue in there!
4/18/19
Related Poems