I thought I could create perfection -
I was wrong.
It wasn’t my fault -
No, not really,
I tried to make allies with a system that hates my colour,
And tried to fit in to beauty standards that never carried my size,
I played god with my body -
And in the end it didn’t work out,
I took out my weaknesses and replaced them with strengths,
Turns out my strengths were my weaknesses,
And my weaknesses were my strengths -
A lesson I learned too late,
A lesson I can’t replay.
Fate was an opponent already chosen by destiny,
Now when I look myself in the mirror,
The girl I see isn’t a winner,
I see a girl who once skipped dinner,
That led to a slippery slope of wanting to be thinner,
Her body saw her as a sinner,
Tried to heal but health came with a price, she got bigger,
Now she looks in the mirror disgusted by her figure,
And only then she would realise, she only looked good when she was sicker,
Happiness or health? - That question would forever linger.
I was doing so well - thinking I'd made it so far;
But now I feel as if my body is once again stuck behind bars;
Why did this happen - I did everything I was supposed too;
As my health deteriorates so fast - it's left me feeling so blue;
It seems as if my life will forever consist of unbearable pain;
As my once "well managed" life has now been flushed down the drain;
I was just starting to get my life back - it's so completely unfair;
Realizing the medications have stopped working has been hard to bare;
Knowing that I have lost my life again makes me breakdown and cry;
Acknowledging Im back at square one released a beast that tore me up inside;
I had so much to achieve such as college and volunteer work - where'd it all go?;
I've lost everything I worked so hard for - and why I wish I didn't know;
I feel as if my heart is broken - that I'll never function or be well;
As my chronic illnesses grab me by the throat ands drag me straight back to hell
at first chronic pain destroys you
you can learn to ignore it after awhile
if it takes weeks, it seems like months
if it lasts for years, you yearn for one painless day
if it lasts five years, you have to imagine being pain=free constantly
I’m shattered,I won’t lie,
today has been long.
I’m tired yet awake,
can’t escape the throng.
Day light has ventured
and left while I worked,
The night has arrived now,
still never I shirked.
My eyelids are heavy,
my limbs they are tired,
And still on I toil now,
my time’s not yet expired.
Grateful am I
for the work that I do.
But soon I’ll be bidding
A ‘good night’ to you.
My health feels tattooed into my skin,
absorbed by my blood,
never failing to haunt my thoughts.
He’s always there—
in the background or up close,
still in the picture.
He doesn’t talk all the time,
But his silence isn’t the cure.
He screams during quietness,
digs into my brain like a gravedigger.
I don’t know when I’ll be buried,
but I know he dug deep.
His scream—
a siren—
doesn’t turn off, even after obeying.
He’s not that big.
Just a baby.
But he was granted authority early on.
And I keep sinking
into the hole he dug,
where no rope reaches,
and the dark learns my name.
That for a room of torture
A castle wall inside
Pain's self- made does scare as much.
Pain's daily self-applied.
If not deeper, more gloomy
One's mental state therein.
At peace; that sorer grievance
Which envies others in.
Gasping folds of pain
glued together - coexist
Exclusive cracked glass
unrequited conundrums -
... rhapsodies whirled infinite
H ealth forsakes you
O ver and over magic tonics promise recovery
P otential healing lures promising in the trees, again
E ven Eve knows better than to pick and eat, again
To lie up in this bed and be so weak,
Daydream of the world and can't even speak.
Everyone thinks I'm strong, but they don't have a clue.
I'm fighting for my life with everything to lose.
People think I'm so strong, but I just smile to keep from crying,
Shedding my pain to the side, but inside, I'm slowly dying.
I ask my God why this is happening to me;
I haven't lived my life yet; I have a family.
To motion and not move, being paralyzed is cruel,
But that is my life, and I've got everything to lose.
Sometimes, I wonder why I stay.
I'm getting older and older, and my life is fading away.
Don't feel sorry for me; my mental is strong,
But it's fading away because my physical is gone.
I am simply trying to stay afloat
In an otherwise sinking land
An escape between past and future
An island of pain
Treaded up
Barefoot in the sand
Grains of memories stuck in the creases
Standing is sore
Walking is sore
On my hands and knees I beg
Relief is all I pray for
The physical and mental torment
Occupying a vessel that doesn’t know how to swim
My head hurts from thinking
My hands hurt from holding on
The sun hasn’t risen in a while now
But the clouds bare a similar resemblance
To the ache that wants to be unearthed
Tears and rain, all in the same
A necessary cleansing so we can grow beyond
I love the winter, the way it whirls my breath
Away; reminds me I am alive, there's hope.
I love the ferns bejeweled in snow, the heath
As it patterns our legs, walking forest-roads.
I love the spring, that washes snow away,
Brings flowers, strong roots, fragile and pale-
Seeming. I love the summer, storm-blaze
Lazy lightning, theater of stars, golden corn
That nourishes body and soul. Yet much more
I love my friend, Artemis-twin, born
Under the weight of July, dice against the score,
Surviving, with lightning bolt in her spine.
Her autumn rain, soft and healing, but strong,
Metallic purple dancing in wind-song.
Chronic
Fool, that I was, I thought to be more
Only to be gutted, and left on the shore.
To Doctor’s appointments, I dutifully arrived
To be sent away, told lie after lie.
You look so good, you must feel fine?
The only explanation, “it’s all in your mind”.
The package so shinny, the skin, so bright,
The body inside, it’s tainted with blight.
So many years, I lobbied and I strived,
Wanting more, than just to survive.
Nothing’s possible, all dreams, gone
Once, I danced, now, pain’s pawn.
The day’s are listless, seas, becalmed,
Waiting for light, without hope of dawn.
I feel riddled with sickness,
plagued by all infirmity.
Like a fiddle playing a -
score of sombre tunes.
(Kouta form - Japanese quatrain, 7,7,7,5)
03.20.2024
Waking moments feel like eternity,
When pain swallows the serenity,
Everyday life is no longer the same,
"You seem to have Chronic pain"
Doctors can't find the cause or solution,
I cry and scream,
Who is there to blame,
Not everything can be proven,
but not everyone believes,
"Its nothing but laziness",
I scream mercy but they are all merciless,
Chronic pain,
Feeling shame,
Takes me away,
From the ones I love,
The person I was feels like a shadow,
The person I am now feels like a husk,
Chronic, makes me feel stuck,
The words "Are you okay?"
makes me feel sick to my stomach,
So I put on a smile and lie,
and say I'm fine,
its just "chronic".
She
Swallowed
Love and it
Became chronic
Love disease in her life,some folks blaimed her
while ignoring her true love toward him.
Yes, she defined
True love at
Him the
Most.
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