Best Ted Poems

Lifeless were the eyes of infamous Ted Bundy
No remorse, all emotion had been doused
His gaze pierced my soul as I gave testimony
 
He maintained there’d been too much publicity
Four coeds attacked in a sorority house
Lifeless were the eyes of infamous Ted Bundy
 
This demon had...

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So to look up girls’ skirts, Snowman Ted

turned himself upside down on his head.

But he ought to be told

since the weather is cold,

girls wear boots and long trousers instead!


Dec. 24, 2017 For Eve Roper's 'Upside Down World - Limericks Only' Poetry Contest...

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Lit up like a Christmas tree 
Is papa after his festive drink
He’s a funny one
Can’t hold his tongue
Dances and he sings

Words that make no sense
Long winded when he’s bent
He gives a Ted Talk
About how to stand tall
And falls on his rear end

Despite his huge blue...

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My dad is bigger than yours she said.
It made me mad; I wished she was dead.
Took my anger to my Uncle Ned.
He started laughing, happy instead.

Most serious now, sick in my head,
Ran to my cousin, Goofball named Zed.
He chased me off, his face spitball of...

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Edward his name ~ his mates called him Ted  	
Aiming his gift on the top of my head
Landing with a squelchy plop
Would his kindness never stop
His unwanted gift was starting to spread

Sat in the sun in my new crocheted hat
With Ted proudly viewing his...

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Old man Cowell and boy Ted,
Hardcore and alcohol
unlocked doors in his head.

Midnight’s rage held a speculum,
every one of them became Brooks.
Two escapes and from
a sling, cast or uniform
one beetle shell thinned
apartment and dorm.

Swung and dumped on both coasts,
Dipped a hand in the green river,
and lost...

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There once was a stripper named Tipper
who used tape instead of the snipper.
Duck tape was his friend
When he did a back bend
But his pec’s still popped his side zipper.

Once while topless he pranced cross the floor
On each nipple a tassle he wore
Round they did twirl
Just...

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Remembering the days way back when
Baseball was what made life tick
Lived and breathed that wonderful game
With the Babe, Ted Williams, and the Mick

Jackie Robinson breaking the colour barrier
Sweet memories inhabit my brain
Jackie was the absolute first hero of mine
Brought equality to this time honoured game

Stan...

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He was young  and attractive and quite debonair,
An upstanding young man who was going somewhere.
Or so it would seem if you knew not his history.
To we in the know he’s repulsive dark mystery.

When I think of it now I feel chills descending,
He went to...

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Ted was a proper torturer
he'd gag me after tea
he'd ram a flannel down my gob
then dangle me on his knee

A virgin when I married
my mums and dad were Mormons
home-schoolers don't do sex Ed. much
though they did go on about hormones

I thought Ted's ways were normal
it...

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Ted suffers from 'Looseheel Ball'
It’s driving him clean up the wall
He’s got such an itch
It’s making him twitch
He’s begging the doctor to call

The medic said oh dearie me
This condition I rarely see
Your balls badly twisted
Teds scared eyes soon misted
When  doc says you need surgery

Doc...

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There once was an odd fellow named Ted
Broke both legs and was confined to bed
Walked on hands to go pee
A scary sight to see
When he shook it, it dropped on his head...

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Lying in hospital was visiting time
My cousin walked in with a box so fine
Handed it over said it was for me
To open it when I needed company

The box said Teddy Bears Factory
Inside was Ted’s whole story
His birth certificate is complete
Many things including birth date

Was dressed...

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There once was a man named Ted,
That wished to see the crocs fed.
They lined on the shore,
Appetites galore-
Too late to feed ducks, instead!...

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UndefeaTed.  A Boxing Lesson.

A friend, off the Vineyard,
wrighted a ship.
And, perhaps himself,
and certainly the worlds ‘round him.
His words were fashioned, shipshape and watertight
as were the splines and bungholes and rudder pins and
All the Things I didn’t know what they were.
All the Things I didn’t...

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