Best Snark Poems
It's up and down and twice around
With an ample side of snark and leeks.
And an assortment of lies divided by pi,
To find this thing I seek.
I searched my bedside dresser
In the hope to find it there.
But not to be, so I was forced to see
If it was in a box beneath the stairs.
The box was bare and empty
Which did not aid in my relief.
As i was lo' to explain, why it no longer contained
My most cherished held beliefs.
But I digress and that aside,
I looked beneath a bedroom chair.
And where I thought... my valor ought,
I found just a wisp of empty air.
Undaunted by this troubling news,
I remembered a desk that I had bought.
Where I found a mortal slice of wasted life
But still no sign of what I sought.
So undeterred, I left the room
To explore the very nature of my soul.
Where I was forced to roam with no one home
And found just a bigger hole.
I then paddled through my memory
To bring to bear both time and space.
But the fog of age is a paltry sage
And would not expose its hiding place.
I remember not too long age
When It had been my ardent guide.
I'm not afraid to tell, it had served me well
With no providence denied.
But with many years of gross neglect,
It had become a shadow of my past.
And something so grand without a plan...
Is never meant to last.
So my search proved vain and fruitless
But I attempt to soldier on.
And in my despair, I turned to prayer
To question where my love for life had gone.
The End
*Dedicated to those just having a bad day.
*I will be posting my cartoon 'Bob's Your Uncle' on my homepage. A new one will appear every second day or so.
Mark Clarke was the gentlest man of Denmark
Yet considered by all a most unlikely patriarch
He was proud being Noah’s apprentice on the ark
Mark was in charge of ensuring all the animals did embark
Two by two in harmony, elephant, giraffe, tiger, and aardvark
Shared the gameplan with the many types of whale and shark
Ensured every bird was onboard, especially the skylark
Mark’s wondrous inventory was classified by icon and footmark
And sometimes in the margin he would jot a special remark
Hoping no one would notice he found neither unicorn nor snark
For weeks torrential rains made the sky darkest dark
They prayed for the rainbow, that long-awaited coloured arc
When the rains finally subsided they looked for the closest park
Everyone had cabin fever and were ecstatic to disembark
Rowdiness of meow, oink, purr, caw, growl, snarl and bark
Plans were soon ongoing to celebrate with a feisty spark
Evaluating the damage up and down and all around Hark!
Mark said Yeah, that’s gonna leave quite a watermark
AP: Honorable Mention 2020
Submitted on March 8, 2018
What have you done, for you look like a perch?
On Botox you should've done some research
I won't sugarcoat it
You look very bloated
Your face is engorged, and some will besmirch
Resembling a puffer with puckered lips
I wanna pop them with my fingertips
Dress yourself up in lace
Get rid of that fish face
Girl, you better get real and come to grips!
Your booty sticks out. You've such a huge butt
People laugh behind your back when you strut
They giggle and they wink
Some even say you stink
Like a three-day old catch of Halibut
Your teeth are threatening like a hungry shark
Who'd bite me like a mad dog with a bark
You're known as a stinker
Caught, hook, line and sinker
People point at you and call you a snark
You are as fishy as a speckled trout
So nice to people before it's found out
It's nothing but a show
Just a smoke screen you blow
A tasteless fish thrown back, without a doubt
You've earned the deserved name of big mouth bass
A loose lip fish without an ounce of class
Kicked out of many schools
Cause they didn't like fools
Shunned by all the Tropicals known as wrasse
You've been compared to the swimmer called 'carp'
A lesser species whose teeth are quite sharp
A catch that's not a prize
Most fishermen despise
No angel fish when it plays on a harp
Sometimes you resemble a red snapper
Belting out words like a winded rapper
Blah blah blah, on you jaw
Irksome as a jackdaw
You sound like the news anchor, Jake Tapper
When you swim in the pool, you're called a whale
Ya think that's due to the size of your tail?
In candy you indulge
It's the cause of your bulge
You might want to try a diet of kale
The time has come your passing has happened
Your desire to live was never dampened
The great Scottish debate for you to stay or go
I screamed yes, but the haggis of your heart said no
The split of our nation represents the split in my heart
But now the time has come and we must part
Much like our dreams of reaching the sixth form debate final
“Page 32” you crowbarred into conversation
infuriating Ash to the point of self-immolation
your self important boasts of superior knowledge
turned my my weakened soul into watery porridge
You were not a stereotype, despite what many said
Unlike most Scots, you ate more than simply fried bread
Your challenge with crackers so lascivious that I lost my thread
And since then I yearned for a way to do more than simple observe your bed
But your aggression was endearing, cutting and clear
Tearing opponents to shreds, speaking to all that will hear
But I was behind a glass wall, simply shedding a tear
As a limp invitation to a party was the closest I could near
I sit here now and remember our lark
Our time together, characterized by a battle with a shark
The verbal brutality was shocking that situation was stark
But your retorts were quick witted, but often loaded with snark
This took so long to write as my heart still bares scars
An open mouth like yours could give hour long seminars
Yet you still saved me from being bundled into one of Bennet’s cars
Yet I must hope that we meet again, underneath heaven’s stars
Man
BODACIOUS SNARK
Liar, Cheat, FRINEMY
Narcissistic, Hurtful, Calculating, Annyoying
Male
This in no way speaks of how I feel toward
most men..I just see a few out there that
meet most of these qualifications...
Portmanteau Words:
BODACIOUS__bold/audicious_bold, brazen
SNARK___snide/remark_sarcastic
FRINEMY__friend/enemy_someone who comes on as friend but is really an
enemy
Brangelina, the quasar, came to a motel
Of a small Cambodian village
Where smog was spread all over.
As they entered their room
They felt abodaroma infesting the room.
As they looked down to the floor
There were shoop stains all over
As they did not take off their shoes.
Brad had an urge to go to washrum
He opened the door, but needed Clorox
As the washrum has become smelldorado
Brad had vomitrocious feelings
Added more stains on the floor.
Angelina snarked on spitting Brad.
“Cut, the camlit off” Authovoice heard
“Shooting will resume tomorrow sharp
At 5 in the morning”
+++
August 18, 2014
Form: Verse -
Theme:portmanteaus
Dr. Ram Mehta
Sixth Place Win
Contest:portmanteaus by Debbie Guzzi
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Portmanteaus words used in the poem:
Brangelina (Brad Pitt + Angelina Jolie)
quasar (quasi-stellar + star)
smog (smoke + fog)
abodaroma (a play on "abode" and "aroma"):
Shoop – shoes with dog’s pooh
Washrum – wash – room
Clorox
smelldorado
Vomitrocious – Vomit – Atrocious
Snark – Snide-remark
Camlit- camera + light
Authovoice- Authority + Voice
He drives around, picking up girlz.
Proudly displaying his emoticon bumpertricker.
His vomitrocious personality,
hidden behind smiley face lie.
The master of snark,
with an old man's easy style.
Try not to look into those grue eyes.
His is a pretend wise with a fake smile.
He'll fill your mind with pretentious smog.
Your heart to clog, with consummating tobacco.
He'll blow smoke up your donkey,
from his corngobbed pipe.
Fifties fedora, a bodacious tie.
Hair colored in black dye, he wears a crisp white shirt.
Disguising inner dirt and devious smile.
Don't be blind, he's not worth a dime.
He'll leave you high and dry, you'll wonder why.
Why did you accept that ride?
Debbie Guzzi's Portmanteaus contest.
Emoticon
My word... Bumpertricker
Vomitrocious
Snark
Grue
Smog
My word ....Corngobbed
Bodacious
Greu has turned the color of my plarn
So I’ll just knit a legock for my child.
While getting up I trip upon my hornicorn
It makes me ridast through my small famoom.
My son comes in and loosh at my folly,
He’s sure his mom has gone a bit crazoo.
Then glares at me delivering his snark,
By asking which of us is the matune.
Greu, plarn and snark from list
My words:
Scroup: scrambled-soup
Legock: legging-sock
Ridast: ride-fast
Famoom: family-room
Loosh: looked-shocked
Crazoo: crazy- cuckoo
Matune: mature-one
Other: Hornicorn: horse-unicorn
Brenda Meier-Hans
27.08.2014
HM
Emoticon Yellows
If I were rich, which is a crime
I could do anything I wished
Claim my rights and entitlements as “affluenza”
But I’m an ordinary cyberpunk
A regular yellow kind of guy
An emoticon with an attitude
Manscaping, sliding through life with a close shave
Cantankerous and bodacious all the time
In chillax style, riding the daily yellow bus
Dragging my portmanteaus box inside
And my delishful gal with me there
Clad in fashionable plarn
Irregardless of everything else
We rise above the sights and flee
Above the ancient vomitocious towns
And meld into each other’s grue calm eyes
Canoodling all the while
Smog passes with the night
Snark comments distract us
An anacronym word or two slips out
But we don’t care
We’re off to spend the affluenza check
Just to prove we can
(PORTMANTEAUS words: “PORTMANTEAUS Box” all contest entry listed words
+ "canoodling" - hugs and kisses and "cantankerous- old and feisty )
8/19/14 Portmanteaus Poetry Contest
He exited the train carrying a luxurious
portmanteau
Walking with a BODACIOUS strut
exuding an air
which swept away the SMOG
Just CHILLAXING 'pon the bench
she watched ___
He approached the ticket master
letting SNARK sayings flow from his narcissitic persona
A lovely lady dressed to the hilt
sashayed
Across the cobbled train yard
Displaying an air of refined richness
Which adorned her every move
Rich in wordly goods and in social grace
He only had the appearance of riches
Not a cent to his name
Definitely lacking in social graces, arrogance was his game
But could he do magic
And TOMFOOLERY everyone
Across the cobbled train yard with his eyes on the prize
He fell ASPRAWLING entangled in a slight crack in the neat cobblestones
Prostrate upon the cobblestone with verbage of a sailor flowing from his lips
The cheap imitation leather ripped from his
portmanteau
Here lies a man humbled by a fall
Finis'
Portmanteau has two meanings and the first is a suitcase..The second
combinating two words
Tomfoolery--tom/fool--tom a common man and we all know what fool means
Asprawl--a/sprawl...self explanatory
Chillaxing--chill/relaxing
Smog--Smoke/fog
Snark--snide/remark
bodaciouos--bold/audacious..bold/ brazen
sashay not a portmanteau means to glide move..The dictionary said it would
be unknown to most English speaking people..
The Spaniel
A Spaniel that uses its head
Can tell when its owner’s unfed
So instead of a duck
That is down on its luck
Will deliver a pizza instead
The Affenpinscher (Affen)
Not sniffle nor snuffle nor wheeze
Not chest in distress if you please
None we have found
Quite capture the sound
Of its name (which is more like a sneeze)
The Afghan Hound
The Afghan’s a dog groomer’s joy
The definitive Lord Fauntleroy
But with all that coiffure
One is never quite sure
If the “she” is a girl or a boy
The Airedale Terrier
Airedale, king of the terriers
Domain without borders or barriers
Stubborn and proud
On alert, never cowed
Justly known for their cute little derriers
The Akita
Hachiko the name that he bore
An Akita of Japanese lore
In sunshine and rain
He would wait for a train
And a man who died seasons before
The Alaskan Malamute
He traveled with Byrd to the Pole
Although Fairbanks was actually their goal
On a very dark night
They turned left and not right
Now their feat is for all to extol
The Basenji
A Basenji may giggle or snark
Chat with pigeons it meets in the park
From the moment it wakes
Oh, the noises it makes!
Just don’t ever expect it to bark
The Basset Hound
Is it sorrow in canine disguise?
Is it pity empathic and wise?
Or is it not either
Nor sympathy neither
But hunger we see in its eyes?
The Beagle
A Beagle is loyal but...dumb
An endearing, affectionate chum
Tireless and lean
A hunting machine
Just don’t ask him to chase and chew gum
The Belgian Malinois (Mal)
When the SEALS did their raid on bin Laden
And caught him just when he was noddin’
‘Twas a Mal wearing goggles
With custom-made toggles
Who helped put an end to fatwa-den
Quantum Duck Soup
On a quest not unlike the hunting of the Snark,
The physicist seeks his elusive quarks,
Those delectable nothings that come in fine flavors,
Dancing through the void like colored party favors.
Their elusive forms leave him vaguely annoyed,
Their lack of substance teasing his mind
With hints of possible future sustenence
Though the harder he looks, the less he finds.
At the last he settles for confining them to books,
Their invisible bodies hung up on invisible hooks.
Strangeness, Beauty, Charm and Truth -
These the four gifts of Spacetime's youth.
What a pity such flavors may never be tasted,
Save by such minds as are themselves roasted and basted
In the merciless ovens of Pure Mathematics,
Where Theorems be bred by eccentric fanatics.
Up, Down, Bottom and Top -
The merry quarks spin on, and never stop.
The bones and brains of their living hosts
Move ever forward, impelled by flavored ghosts.
She was the type who dressed only in darks,
a ‘non-conformist’ teen who bathed in snark,
in black lipstick her smile did hide,
row of piercings ran above her eyes.
Her family came in October to my inn,
a bed-and-breakfast in a Victorian,
early fall I made it over into
a classic Gothic house, for a scare of two.
It was a lot of fun, so said our guests,
the town said my Haunted House was the best,
but as the goth walked in, looked from her phone,
she rolled her eyes hard and let out a groan.
She went to my mummy, Ammon-Hotap,
said,”How much toilet paper went into that?”
Seeing my Dracula, she laughed and proclaimed:
“He’s been done to death, so tired and tame.”
My bell-hop dressed himself as Wolf-man,
with the family’s baggage, he gave a hand,
she went up to him as he was working,
said,”Dude, for your sake, the big box is hiring.”
I bit back a strong urge to choke the runt,
or call her a bad name that rhymed with ‘bunt,’
so I faked a smile, went to help too,
said,”Right this way folks, I’ll show you your rooms.”
After I had the parents settled in,
I asked the goth girl,”Do you need anything?”
She gave me a look, said,”Before you go,
I need the WiFi password, for my phone.”
I shrugged and said,”We won’t have internet.”
And she let out a shriek that awoke the dead!
Never before had I heard such a scream,
it was probably heard by half the county.
All the ghosts and goblins did not do the trick,
but you take the gadgets, it gets scary quick.
I guess next year I’ll have to change the display,
to reflect what terrifies the kids these days.
Down by the river in the juniper grove,
An old man in a mushroom using his stove
Cooks mutton and grain and nail clippings from toes
Pigs feet and macabre munchies assorted of those
The Sheepmen are lonely, and blue in the head
They talk with their hands and eat with their legs
Fuzzy ears and square noses,
In pictures strike poses,
Yet eat what they are, and they are all dead
In the city they toil, with foil and broil
Up trouble, then double, when word comes of oil
Fire eats wool as if wool were the Snark
Who rotted away when he stayed after dark
The Sheepmen are lonely, and blue in the head
They talk with their hands and eat with their legs
Fuzzy ears and square noses,
In pictures strike poses,
Yet eat what they are, and they are all dead
Beside me one sits in languid levity
He whispers inanely, clutching his negligee
I slide down my settle and look for my mettle
I find none, thus leave him a searching unsettled
The Sheepmen are lonely, and blue in the head
They talk with their hands and eat with their legs
Fuzzy ears and square noses,
In pictures strike poses,
Yet eat what they are, and they are all dead
I was looking for you in my dreams, dear,
In my dreams only succubi would form.
So I then searched the oceans, there and here,
But I found only salt, water, and storms.
I searched above the mountains, but found sky,
I searched the depths of the earth, to find holes.
I looked afar, and I looked within-- WHY?
Why could I not find you on my patrols?
I gave up escape, hope, settled in there.
Bereft of love, I chose stygian dark.
And as I relaxed into my nightmare
I attuned the glimmering smile of snark.
A dream, delusion in the haedic pit
Love's salvation sent you by the Spirit.