Best Schmuck Poems
the times I've been here, words in hand
mind-sculpting verse of phrases, grand
that speak of that, the cruelest school
those moments, rife, I've played a fool ...
laid bare this soul, with one broad knife
sweet dreams of romance, love and life
my heart bled, staining some girl's feet
whose care for me was ne'er as sweet ...
and shared in poems for worlds to read
midst hopes they might just fill a need
while all I've done, with sheet and pen
is prove I'm that damned fool ... again ...
the deepest feelings - spilled for those
I loved and lost, who thumb their nose
at odes brought forth, or all such gems
so polished smooth with tears, for them ...
it's always me, this pining schmuck
that's tumbled down on lover's luck
now writing chiseled stanzas, meant
for some fair lass whose love I spent ...
why won't the sweetest phrase impart
some love to make those longings start
for ME - this fool with one chance, slim ...
some sweet fool writes a poem ... for HIM.
Written on February 16, 2021
Ron Dump says he’ll destroy North Korea
With finger poised, we have so much to fear
He’s a power mad glutton
With his hand on the button
Will the universe still exist next year?
BY JAN ALLISON
I just hope his finger gets stuck
Where his bum cheeks do tuck
I don't live in fear
Long as they're up there
oh Don why are you such a schmuck
BY TIM SMITH
He couldn't have made it clearer
His objections to North Korea
Did his blow up doll fail
At the point of his exhale
Revenge is a good butt cleaner
BY SEREN ROBERTS
Ron's trigger finger is too quick to attack
Mouth gets him in trouble for talking smack
A rocket up his butt
Another to his gut
Should put an end to Ron Dump, the quack
BY LIN LANE
In the genre of equal time
May I present my 2 cents and a dime
Rocket Man's been coddled
By Barack Obama's Bobble
Now Trump is gonna get him back in line!!!
BY CHUCK MELUGIN
To the moon ‘North Korea’ the Rocket Man says
I can press this button because I’m the Pres
But his hands are much too small
Can he do it at all?
A comedic tragedy like Lucy and Desi Arnaz.
BY WINGED WARRIOR
Supreme dictator mad Kim Jong un
shows off his massive hydrogen gun
Donald trump wants to play
time for us all to pray
Irreversible act when they're done.
BY ROY PETTS
PLEASE SOUP MAIL ME YOUR POEM IF YOU WANT IT TO BE ADDED
09-19-17
My small way of showing anger for this year's circus of an election process:
I recall when George Bush had to duck
a thrown shoe, or he may have got struck.
What I'd love now to see
is some dog take a pee
on that dump of a Trump. What a schmuck!
for the the Political Ordeal Poetry Contest of CT
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day.
At least that's what I hear.
Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a rowboat
fishing and drinking beer!
When advised to "fight fire with fire"
please think about it twice.
Remember, firemen fight fire with water
so I kinda question that advice!
I'm told the way to get ahead
is by using your ambition.
They say "shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone".
However, now try working in that position!
Don't believe in superstition.
Folks will think you are a schmuck.
Besides if you believe in it
it's gonna bring bad luck!
I try to avoid a lot of things,
that will cause me degradation.
I can resist most anything,
that is, except temptation!
I always try my very best
not to make mistakes
In fact if wasn't for my faults,
I'd be perfect for goodness sakes!
These are some of the random thoughts
that keep running through my mind.
It's just a lot of nonsense,
but it sure helped me unwind.
(Soupers - Sorry you chose to read this
nonsense. Surely you must have
something better to do! Thanks anyway.)
Warning, if you are under 60 you may not "get" some of these.
Mohammad Ali
taunting with poetry,
his opponents he'd zing
as he danced 'bout the ring.
Graham Kerr "The Galloping Gourmet"
oft with our minds he would play.
Why else would he pick
the dessert "Spotted Dick"?
Ichabod Crane
rode down rode down the lane.
From the Headless Horseman he'd flee
while on his saddle he peed.
Abbot & Costello,
two funny fellows
were very immersed
into whose on first.
Ed Norton
couldn't laugh without snortin'
which would quickly annoy
old Ralph Boy!
Professor Irwin Corey
told confusing stories,
You'd listen and listen till your eyeballs would glisyen
and not understand what you're missin'
Don Rickles
would offer a nose full of nickels
and got plenty of yuks calling you a schmuck
and dumb as a hockey puck.
Giuseppe "Peppino" Mazzullo,
the voice of Topo Gigio
on Ed's final night
said "Eddie, kessa me goo' night!"
Jack Benny
wouldn't lend you a penny
nor spend a dime -
died when he was 80 at the age of 39.
When mom, Naomi, was your mom not quite,
she was a barista at the Starbucks
just blocks away from where your thunderstruck
dad used to curse the name whose will to write
mistreated sonnets never metered right.
In those days, my daughter, a word like schmuck
would suit your father, quite determined luck,
not talent lacked, should bear the blame for shame
that came from lameness littered kiddy rhyme.
But, with each finished turd, your dad (undeterred)
would march to Starbucks like he’d made a name,
and talk to mom, who taught me, overtime,
love and beauty’s praise are sonnets’ preferred.
My wife went shopping yesterday
Posted missing what do the police say
Her weight color and eyes
Please tell me he cries
I need to know for the missing's display
Hey dude can you help me a little more
I know the more you tell hurts you sore
Was she slim was she fat
As a matter of fact
For this loss I'm feeling you adore
What kind of car was she in when she went
Did you own or was it a rent
C'mon, don't be a schmuck
She stole my lovely truck
Charge her for this felony dissent
Hey dude, we apologise for this run of luck
Describe her, for your so out of luck
"Brand new Stealth Black 2015 Ford F150 Raptor
4x4 with eco-boost 5.4L V8 engine special
ordered with manual transmission. Black ARC
bullbar with winch and LED driving lights.
Rock sliders and snorkel. It has custom matching
black canopy over the truck bed.
Hayman Reece towing package. I added a 4"
lift kit with stealth black special alloy wheels and 3.5"
off-road Mickey Thompsons. Custom leather seats
and RM Williams floor mats. DVD with HEMA
navigation system, 21 channel CB Radio,
six cup holders and four power outlets.
She even scratched the door, as he fills up,,,,
Don't worry buddy, we'll soon find your truck
.
Another request to Limerick another Joke.
A little different from the norm, but who gives a truck ;-)
He cheated on you- what a surprise
You’re wife #5 in his pattern of lies
Did you think he’d be loyal ‘cause he gave you a ring?
Did you think he’d stop flirtin’ and start stayin’ in?
Did you think you were special, that you were the one?
Puh-lease, you were a way to pay off wife #1!
Stop your cryin’ and moanin’, come on, get a grip
You were a fool, now get over it
Stop wastin’ your time on this ignorant schmuck
So what if you love him, who gives a f—k?
You’re still pretty; you’re in GREAT shape
With your blue eyes, red lips, and heart- shaped face
Your blond tresses, your dresses that show off your rack
Oh yeah, baby, you’ve got it; you’ve still got back
Put on some lipstick and paint your toes red
Get some f--k me heels; get outta that bed!
You’ve got style and charm and a sexy pout
You got it goin’ on; that’s what I’m talkin’ about
Don’t dwell on him, on how he did you wrong
Get out there and show him you’re still da bomb
9/18/12
For Vienna's "Let me have it then kiss my petunia" contest
A 60 second embrace, held too long
A kiss on the forehead, felt so wrong
Add more bullets to my long list of regrets
You are one of a kind, I’ve thrown all my bets
Not too shabby for a drunk
A carnal request I wished I should not have dunked
The refusal was clear
My humiliation, felt worse than fear
Now I stir myself with sadness
Hoping this is just a mental illness
Feeling pathetic must have been the new cancer
Funny how chemotherapy can’t find a cure
My brain needs an overhaul
Looked away from the man who stole
Stealing my heart is a clichéd understatement
Losing my self is appropriately my new predicament
So I have to ponder
While Crouching in my white tee on a corner
Why do I worry of things I can’t change?
Don’t you think it’s the only thing that’s STRANGE?
Fell for a schmuck with a crowning smile
My poor choices, his firm denial
Cupid must have missed his arrow
Or was it destiny who’s missed a sparrow?
Time blurs images of the past
Past leaves traces that shadows can’t cast
After this I have to close my eyes
Waiting for the next wolf to worship my dice
A game of catch, I’ve reached for air
The wrong signs lead me to nowhere
Let me say you are so good to savor
But damn, breaking you now makes me better.
Poor old Dan was a bit of a schmuck
Ran out of gas in his brand new truck
Now late for his date
Boy, was she irate
No hanky panky was his bad luck
hanky panky- loosely translated as sexual activity
Went to the well and the well was dry
So what shall I do, oh me, oh my
My mind's in a quandary, what shall I do
I fear I've run dry, I haven't a clue
Is there some medication that I can take
My mind's in a dither for goodness sake
This surely can't be, I must go lie down
Will try a wee nap, my mind might rebound
Does this ever happen to you guys out there
Is this an affliction uncommon or rare
Will try it again gonna give it a shot
Gonna go for broke, give it all that I've got
So this should be easy, what rhymes with boy
It's uh... hang on... my heart's filled with joy
Hey, I think I'm finally back on the track
I'm saved, I'm saved, the old Jack is back
This smile on my kisser is here to stay
Unless once again my rhymes they do stray
It's a life or death issue so wish me good luck
Sorry about this, for being such a schmuck
I promise you friendlies from this day on
It's all copacetic and everything's calm
© Jack Ellison 2014
-------*To be read in true Italian Mafia voice....--------
I wanna meet the wise guy.
You know, the pai·san gettin' cute with the Soup!
Cuz' the CAPTCHA preview characters keep throwin' me insults
like GOOF,
DOOF,
and POOP!
At foiwst', no offense was really taken...
'till the vulgarities became evident to me;
and this schmuck starts slappin' insults at me
like: PMSR,
VAGP,
and U 8 ET
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*(all characters are based upon actual characters given to me on the soup)
Who voted for Adolf Hitler? Almost everybody. No matter which party or candidate chosen. It was done with the fascist attitude of the immoral majority. Sometimes in a disguise. Donald Duck is now Donald Schmuck.(in memory of those of my maternal ancestry who perished in Treblinka concentration camp in Nazi Germany occupied Poland during the WW2 era and in honor of Hannah Arendt. Amen.)
Care free driving down the lain,
sites of yesteryear refrain,
Children playing inn there yards,
Tattered houses somewhat scarred.
Traveling inn gay apparel,
Run across ORANGE BARREL!
Flashing arrows catch the I,
Must move over, lest ye dye!
Press the petal, ewes the brakes,
Up and coming, highway steaks!
Now between a garbage truck,
Driven bye a selfish schmuck,
Long lines, bumper two bumper.
Grate need of cable jumper!
Taxes payed on rode repair,
Hit the whole, say a prayer!
FISTS SHAKE
HORNS BLAIR,
"KNOW GO"
ANYWHERE!
The redneck was drunk as a skunk
Couple of dozen beers he had drunk
Staggered round the corner into his street
He noticed the flames and searing heat
Was burning fast and the flames got higher
Just then he realized it was his house on fire
Alarmed now, didn't want to loose his home
He ran back round the corner to the pay phone
Grabbed the phone and quickly dialed triple O
"Give me the fire brigade" he said "don't be slow"
"My house is on fire, can you please come put it out"
"Yes" said the fireman, there will be no mucking about"
"We will be on our way soon, so please be aware"
"Could you tell us please sir, how do we get there?"
"Hey? replied the redneck." what a dumb schmuck?"
"Why don't you just drive here in the red fire truck?"