Best Eff Poems
Steve works in a call center
to earn an honest bob
but some days he can't believe
the words that flow from some folks gob
They cus and curse
Then eff and blind -
you'd not believe your ears
and if he wasn't made of sterner stuff
he'd leave the room in tears!
I said to him when folks are rude
to remember the golden rule
Just imagine them sitting in the nude
that way you'll keep your cool!
So when they rant and scream and shout
He thinks of his meager pay
but still tries his best to sort them out
and ends the call with 'have a nice day'!
Posted with the kind permission of Stephen Pennell
10~16~16
My husband is naughty a very naughty man
He throws down the newspaper on top of his beer can
He buys himself a sandwich in a cardboard box
And puts it in the laundry with his woollen socks.
He takes off his pyjamas and chucks them on the floor
He uses hankies frequently, so I have to buy some more.
He wants to have thick sauces on top of all his food.
And when he has a hypo his speech is very rude.
I gave him such a shock when I learned to curse and swear
But we really need to,as “eff off “is everywhere.
Why, even in the Bible there are some wicked words
I’ve not read it all yet, except Psalm 23rd.
I mean to finish reading it and then when I must die,
I’ll come onto a cloud and shout,Oh pi is in the sky.
For transcendental numbers give a hint divine.
Although you can get it better with a glass of dry, white wine.
My husband drinks draught guinness and then he fall asleep
He hollers and curses when the oven timer bleeps.
He eats a piece of kipper and cried out,Oh,dear God!
Nobody caught this b*gger with a fishing rod
He wants to move to Whitby and walk upon the sands
Sit in the audience and hear the big brass bands.
He wants to see the sun rise and to see it set…
So please send God some gelatine in case the air’s too wet!
For my friend Ahmad, who requested a poem about hummingbirds :)
No hummingbirds
Nowhere hummingbirds
What the eff are hummingbirds?
Birds, the world is filled with flocks
They have the weirdest names
I am NOT playing games
No regulars like sparrows or hawks
(screamers) Anhimidae
I'm asking you, what are they
(magpie goose) Anseranatidae
Are they fowl, or birds of prey?
(ducks, geese, and swans) Anatidae
Do we eat them, yay or nay?
But no hummingbirds
Nowhere hummingbirds
What the eff are hummingbirds?
Birds, there's small ones and real big
Birds that fly and birds that run
Birds you eat , or keep for fun
SO many birds, it makes me sick
(megapodes) Megapodiidae
Are they straight or are they gay?
(chachalacas, currasows, and guans) Cracidae
I even like the blue and grey Jay
(guineafowl) Numididae
Hand their juicy bits on a tray
But no hummingbirds
Nowhere hummingbirds
What the eff are hummingbirds?
You wanted a poem about hummingbirds
Well here it is my lovely friend
Do you know how much time I spent
Investigating your silly hummingbirds?
WHERE I LIVE THERE ARE NO HUMMINGBIRDS!
***
February 6, 2017
Reprehensible Savagery ©
'Pon reading tragic headline...,
aye experienced grief alone,
no matter the killer (Chris Watts,
thirty-three years
of Frederick, Colorado) unknown
to me, the sheer brutality,
whereat he killed Shanann Watts,
Bella and Celeste,
his once adorably beautiful,
now ceased wife
and daughters ages thirty four,
four, and three respectively
(purportedly via strangulation)
reflexively did i groan
particularly, the propensity to kill
with in sinew weighted bone
times gone by,
where expletive laced epithets
incessantly did drone
nearly activating trip wires,
a blood dripping knife,
would be shown
to police, unless...I took my life,
cuz immediate regret would well up
resulting with an agonizing moan...
hence after perusing morbid
(somewhat inexplicably fascinating)
screaming tragedy ado
admit sadness overtook this chap,
what wrought motive,
(albeit premeditated)
for him to construe
such an atrocious, ferocious,
heinous, et cetera grew
some crime toward innocent wife
(she supposedly knew)
intuitively felt and possibly
foresaw the slew
how her life (a grotesque
mass square aid )
would meet one gross violent death
intimating marriage frayed
ranking as "FAKE,"
or Eff for failing grade
yet tidbits publicized twas shaky match
from get go, no heaven made
nor wedded bliss -
her precious life paid
as well two preschoolers
(cute as a button),
and expectant third progeny (male fetus)
existence extinguished by, "killer"
the husband, who went
into a deadly tie raid
now guilt upon
his conscious heavily weighed.
I hope you'll find that someone
who can make you smile
that someone
who can give you all the time you want
someone
who can make you feel complete
that someone
who won't make you feel like sh!t.
I hope you'll find that someone
who makes you feel alive
someone
with whom you could spend the rest of your life
someone
that will make you feel secure
I hope you'll find that someone
sometime, very soon.
I hope you'll find that
*perfect timing*
I hope you'll have no fear
to fight
I hope you'll pick from them
the best
I hope they'll love
your wicked heart.
But I still can't hide you that
I'm missing you
and missing you -
Oh, it feels so awful today..
and I guess
that's the reason why
I'm watching old movies
every - eff!n'- day.
And here I'll be, again
writing this to you
hoping that, maybe
you'll be remembering me too...
I'll light a cigarette
and lay under the sky
trying to stay awake (away)
but don't you ask me why.
Because, since then
everything has changed
and if you know me
you know that there's no second chances
today is just a glimpse,
a sneak-peak in the past
is your heart still beating?
mine is beating too fast.
They say keep fighting
All these wrongs that I've been righting
What's left, left in these writings
In the dark looking for lighting
They say keep fighting
A war which there's no winning
The boundaries are only thinning
I was love in the beginning
They say keep fighting
I don't feel!
Like a paraplegic
I fed my love to bulimics
It hardened me, made me strategic
But I say keep loving
Not everyone will be deserving
Paradoxical when you're hurting
But even seeds grow after buried.
I say keep loving
I know it's a haystack but be a needle
Love of self and another's equal
Hurt people just hurt people
So we need to keep living
I put a halo on you like a blessing
Sentenced myself from the lesson
Forgot love and was regressing.
No! I need to keep loving!
My wall encloses my enemy
Avoiding pain is what kills me
My account of death resurrects me
To love is to start living
We idolize Netflix and chilling
We say "Eff love" and it's soul killing
Because we’re love but we stopped giving
To live is to start loving
Eff around
And find out.
Freedom don’t come easy.
The steel bar resort
Ain’t no place to be,.
But, eff if I know,
I ain’t ever been to jail.
Should have been,
But I got lucky.
Toothpaste on the walls,
To hold up the memories.
Watch how you talk,
Or it’ll be your back against the wall
And you’ll be just someone’s memory.
One hour outdoors,
Privilege ain’t easy,
It’s the first to go when you get thrown in iso.
Phone calls,
No go.
Letter are your only plug
To the outside world.
They’ll forget about you,
Might as well let go.
Nah, bro,
Family is forever,
Only friends come and go.
Just kidding,
When you’re a woman beater,
You’re left with no one
To showe for.
Rot. In. Hell. Bro.
ABC
A---aaa---Aia is for amaryllis
B---bee---Bee cause my ewe friend
C---cee---Cee me not
D---dee---Dee fray the cost
E---eee---Eee feminineness
F---eff---Eff is for fun
G---gee---Gee eye still want ewe
H---hhh---Aitch is for hell0
J---jae---Jae is still for Jesus
K---kae---Kae is for M.I.T
L---ell---Ell is just for Love
M---emm---Mmm is the sound my babay makes
>.< :D and the first letter of Mary
N---enn---Enn is for Enjoy
O---ooo---Ooo is the sound that I make
P---pea---Pea is what we both dew.
Q---quu---Quu is for my Querry
R---are---Are ewe my patticake?
S---ess---Ess is just for something
T---tea---Tea is for The Test
U---ewe---Ewe are what i want
V---vee---Vee is still for ^V^iolet
W---double u---Double u is for we win
X---exx---Exx is for Exxmas soon to be ICI
Y---why---Why is for the young ^W^hiteflower
Z---zee---Zee is for ZLast Poem from CharlaX
This was a time when humans were new,
before stress in our lives, caused us to brew.
When survival meant eating dino doo doo and
grunting was the language everyone knew.
As time went by, certain gestures arose,
like to push or kick or to club ones foes.
Then one day, a strange man had appeared,
he had this defect that everyone feared.
Most of his features were normal you see,
but his two middle fingers, grew like a tree!
The words he could speak were so very few,
yet he blurted some garble, my name EPH EWE!
He’d use these fingers to knock others down,
make them feel hurt and give them a frown.
He could make someone sad, others got mad,
for his fingers were weapons like nobody had.
He would fling them about and proudly exclaim,
EPH EWE! He would grunt, continuing his reign.
To this day his name is a worldwide phrase,
as the gesture of fingers became a big craze.
Most get offended when receiving this sign,
but don’t hesitate to use it… if so inclined.
So if ever you wish to make someone frown,
make them feel bad or just put them down,
just whip out the fingers and call out his name,
for EPH EWE, is the symbol, that keeps us all sane!
RUNAWAY
They do not even care, for them
I am not even there, they just walk on
And I don't want their eyes on me
Don't want to see their disgust
It's just.....
If they don't know I am there
Then am I where?
Eff all they know why I am here
Nothing I fear more than what I ran from
So, finger to you, just hand me coins
And I will find a place to sleep
To keep me dry and warm
It's just.....
My mom, sometimes i could be in her arms
When I was me.
They use me and give me some bills
They throw me cigs and booze
I snooze part of the day away
And hope that I won't think
It's just
I feel that I will sink if no one
No one ever sees I'm here
RUNAWAY
They do not even care, for them
I am not even there, they just walk on
And I don't want their eyes on me
Don't want to see their disgust
It's just.....
If they don't know I am there
Then am I where?
Eff all they know why I am here
Nothing I fear more than what I ran from
So, finger to you, just hand me coins
And I will find a place to sleep
To keep me dry and warm
It's just.....
My mom, sometimes i could be in her arms
When I was me.
They use me and give me some bills
They throw me cigs and booze
I snooze part of the day away
And hope that I won't think
It's just
That I will sink if no one
No one ever sees I'm here
***
Added five lines:
My heart was ripped apart when N/A me....
Please listen to what I have to say
For nothing can compare to who I see:
A lost kid, homeless, castaway
The kid you can't see, but I'll forever be.
***
Reposted on November 8, 2016
7th place in contest: Take The Dagger From My Heart, Please - 3
Sponsored by: Broken Wings
Originally written for contest: Being Homeless,
October 24, 2016
Judged (finalized?) on October 26, 2016
ANXIETIES
You shouldn’t judge me, I’m few and far between.
Don’t sit there judging, inside my head is unseen.
I may stand in silence, but I take it all in.
Our worlds aren’t so different, we live it in sin.
There’s masses of voices, ones that keep me quiet.
Inside we’re not different, so don’t imply it!
Maybe you sense, that I don’t belong
If you got to know me, you’ll be proven wrong.
I try to be communal, but I have slow social growth.
I feel my life is infertile, this life that I loathe.
'Get yourself out', that’s what people say.
'Meet other people, get your nerves out the way'.
But when the time comes, for me to get out.
I converse in my head, give myself doubt.
You say that I’m keeping my-self isolated,
But this world is so cruel, and my views get slated.
You call me bitter, and it gets me frustrated.
So I will keep my silence, leave you uneducated
I want to get out, and join society,
I want to scream out loud, EFF YOU ANXIETY!
Frankly, Frank felt foolish forking fourteen francs for frozen frankfurters.
7/12/22
Still traveling through space
It's not falling into place
Tripped over my shoelace
Wound up with a bruised face
I'm starting to lose faith
People staying missing or found in a suitcase
Now we got another new case
Across more than a few states
Has there been enough progress in attempts to reduce waste?
Playing hard to get, but I'm not into a wild goose chase
Is the dam soon to break?
I can't let it
Regardless if it all starts to go left quick
In a world that can be so hectic
Many turn frenetic
Looking for an exit
It's not a game, you can't just select 'quit'
Another drink another pen rip
Eff it
They can sit there and be skeptics
They'll be full of like a sceptic
They try to fight it never willing to accept it
They're still doing things that are pathetic
One thing they won't be is apologetic
I'll get it done by being athletic
As well as energetic
If need be in order for the outcome to be electric
Nearby buildings made of red brick
This is very far from by best pitch
Back in time over that they'd lose their head quick
Half the fruit is good the other half is a rotten apple
I swear half the world has gotten fragile
On others people often tattle
It's become a constant hassle
Meanwhile I'm still caught in battles
With drugs and alcohol it's a problem unhandled
At this rate, how can I ever rise above being mere 'common rabble'
If I remain locked and shackled
Nut allergy Jill
At last I was alone and my mind stood still
Thinking of a huge green hawk with a rather crooked bill
It was behind the black glass in the house on top of a hill
People thought a witch boiled little children in a cauldron for her fill
Grey smoke from the chimney kept her warm but what fuel was used to keep away the chill
An axe could be seen at the side of the house red as blood and sharp enough to even kill
At night no one dare to step in looking distance near it yet I made a den just for the thrill
There she stood at the door with a broom stick and looked around then stared right at me and said “I’m green eyed Jill”
I panicked and ran but before I could run very far Jill was in front of me saying “are you stupid boy being in these parts for God sakes you must be Ill”
She took me in to her house and sat me down and said “listen little boy I’m hungry” and I quickly said “I’ve got a snickers bar” she said “oh thanks very much that’s just brill”
I watched her eat it in front of me whilst looking I saw that she was starving hungry and very weak and shrill
The old woman looked younger and fitter and not at all frightening like green eyed Jill
She told me that for forty years I have been cursed by a real witch and your gift of food has broken its spell and I said “really” and she said no you stupid bugger now get into the cauldron or I’ll chop your head off with me axe “one born every minute “she said as she threw me into a boiling pot of swill
Then I heard a choking noise coming from the old witch and I jumped out of the pot quickly and before I scarpered she said “I have a nut allergy and I’ll die if I don’t take that pill”
I looked on the table and saw it and said to her “eff off “and I ran home and the next morning I vowed to myself don’t ever be an effing idiot ever again until.