Best Berk Poems
Two Nuns travel through Europe by car
Guided by the heavens North Star
Transylvania they reach
Hymn singing they preach
Not realizing they have come so far
At a busy junction they now stop
The red light is about to colour swap
Then out of the night
A most scaring sight
Onto their bonnet Dracula did drop
Sister Francine to Sister Helen said
On with the wipers, off with his head
Darn, that never worked
On this darkly toothed berk
He's hanging on, foot down, of they sped
What shall I do, Sister Francine says
Sister Helen shouts, window wiper spray
At the Vatican I filled
It's heavenly chilled
This time he's sure to go away
The Holy Water now having been yield
Has the demons fate now been sealed
To rid of this dross
Please show him your cross
Get the **** off the windshield!
~*~ This piece has been turned into a Limerick from a joke doing the rounds ~*~
I`VE BEEN READINGS LIMERICKS BY JAN,
TO EMULATE THE BEST THAT I CAN.
SHE CAN WRITE ABOUT POOH,
STICKY STUFF AND GOO.
WITH THE SAME SENSE OF HUMOUR AS A MAN.
NOW I WILL HAVE TO TELL YOU ABOUT DIRK,
ALWAYS ACTING AND BEING A JERK.
HE WOULD GET OUT HIS WEENUS,
SAYS IT LOOKS LIKE A P*N*S.
YOU CANT HELP BUT LAUGH AT THE BIG BERK.
SO THAT WAS MY LIMERICK FOR JAN,
I EMULATED THE BEST THAT I CAN.
BUT SHES THE LIMERICK QUEEN,
YOU ALL KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
KEEP MAKING US ALL SMILE, PLEASE JAN.
Sam is a novice gardener who stamps on all ants
He doesn't like them near or crawling on his plants
Their Queen was angry and wanted revenge
For the ones that had fallen she wanted to avenge.
They planned to get inside and under Sam's clothes
Cover his whole body from his head to his toes
The queen gave her order for her ants to attack
Every inch of his body, every orifice and crack.
There were flying ant squadrons in groups of twelve
Soldiers in lines and a lone scout out by himself.
The others were preparing for a mass swamping
While Sam continued with his clomping and stomping.
They entered inside both trouser leg realms
These little feisty red insects, these hardcore rebels
From somewhere inside it was smelly and breezy
And their night vision eyes made navigation more easy.
Sam's legs were hairy and wiry, like a hot tangled jungle
With volcano like spots and some weird looking fungal.
They battled there way through, this united strong army
While Sam was going mad and looked rather barmy.
They bit, they chewed, they spat and tickled
Sam smacking himself as he wriggled and wiggled
At all times they were all on high red alert.
To avoid being splattered by this mad dancing berk.
These tiny ninja assassins crawled under his shirt
His four limbs wildly failing; he went completely berserk
Flying ants swooping and diving to created a distraction
Sam's reaction to their actions gave them great satisfaction.
He jumped, he hopped, he twice did the splits
They bit here and there, including his small naughty bits
His limbs in and out; the ants hokey pokey
Limbs moving so fast they felt hot and smelt smokey.
Sam screamed "I am sorry please leave me alone
My garden is yours and every ants home
I didn't know aphids left you a sugary sweet treat"
I surrender, I give up, I admit my defeat."
Harmony and peace, balance restored
Nothing is mightier than a little ants sword
Sam's body now healed, no more ants in his pants
But beware if you ever harm a red or black ant.
04.06.24
Santa omitted to visit our town
Christmas Day was so sad ; all the kiddies let down .
Parents were livid and they all could remember
That letters were sent in early November .
No dolls prams or buggies or nice , brand new clothes
Transformers or train sets , skates or GI Joes.
Just what had happened to cause this great blunder.
It wreaked havoc and chaos ; tore families asunder .
No new dvds or Ipods to tune .
No bikes or small trikes to clutter the room .
So what happened Rudolf and his big radar nose
To guide him on roof-tops ; nobody knows .
Seems , he went on the razz , 2 days before " Eve " .
Got a chill in his nose , so we believe ,
And lost all scent of direction ; the great stupid berk .
The excuse , we got was - " his sat-nav don't work " . !!!
Inspired by Carolyn's Christmas home-town contest .
John I'd love to steal your work
But I’d look a complete berk
We know stealing is wrong
Unless you come from Ding Dong
some need to do their homework!
Tongue firmly in cheek write Inspired by John Wulf's poem Steal this poem please
12th April 2016
A cocky engineer on his way home
Spotting his boss standing alone
Perplexed and confused
Totally bemused
His groans soon turned to moans
I'm trying to make this thing work
But I'm starting to feel like a berk
I need this copied tonight
Or my deals out of sight
What I need is a smart office clerk
Hey boss, this is what you should do
Let me push the button for you
Insert your paper here
It'll come out over there
Your deal will make a dollar or two
So into the machine his paper went
Hoping that his deals heaven sent
As it's taken with ease
He can't believe what he sees
It's bloody shredded, malcontent
Hey, cocky engineer come back here
This situation I don't endear
Today you were employed
Your now null and void
It's about time you disappeared
Went to get my banana as I headed for the door
It had been on the table that much I know for sure
Last night I put it ready to take with me to work
Now it has gone AWOL and I feel such a berk
I’d gone into the kitchen I was busy multitasking
Picked up my banana, but where is it now I’m asking
Had been to brush my teeth its something I always do
But it isn’t in the bathroom what am I going to do
I’ve checked the kitchen cupboard and underneath my chair
The microwave and fridge – oh damn it isn’t there
Got into my car and listened to ‘The Pearl Fishers’
Maybe my poor banana is somewhere lurking in a fissure
Now I’m back at home and of bananas I do dream
The little yellow fiend it still cannot be seen
I’m starting to worry now that I am turning mad
And I’m also pretty hungry that really is so sad
I will continue in my quest to find the missing fruit
Cos this pain in my tummy is turning quite acute
If I can’t locate it today I may get quite depressed
I need to find that banana and put my mind at rest
Jan Allison
14th May 2014
Birdsong wakens me at the crack of dawn
I try hard to get back to sleep until the early morn
Heading for the bathroom I ‘tinkle’ on the loo
On rousing I think its something that most people do!
Straight off to the kitchen and I turn the kettle on
I hear the button ‘click’ then make a cup of tea for one
The toaster pops up and I spread jam on the toasted bread
I always have some breakfast so I can face the day ahead
The radio greets me with news, some happy and some bad
Tragic events across the globe make me oh so very sad
I run the bath and relax then splash in the soapy bubbles
Wash away my cares and de-stress from my life troubles
Then after I get dressed I slam shut the front door
I’m off to supervise exams; it’s a job that I adore
My car engine purrs softly during my trip to work
I sing along to the radio, I sound a complete berk!
Into the exam room hall we creep and get it all prepared
Soon student’s sit in silence – some of them look so scared!
I dash off to the grocery store; tills bleep as they are really busy
The music in the shop is so loud it makes me feel quite dizzy
Soon I am home again and its time to prepare our tea
Steaks sizzling in the pan for my husband and me
I clatter around the kitchen busily clearing up the mess
Carelessly drop a plate on the floor, it shatters I confess
After tea I hear my husband loudly snoring away!!
These are a few sounds I have heard during my day
Sounds of the Day Contest Sponsored by Nayda Ivette Negron
06~18~16
What say you when a pig bathe in a muddy muck?
When he rolls merrily like 'tis panacea to his strain?
Don't you gawk at the amazing shuck
Could be to you 'tis a flaunt to his inert brain.
But how honey he embraces the muck-
When the sizzling lust for food slaps!
'Tis where he tanks up the lack
'Tis a divan for his daily naps
He rolls in it with sheer fun and joy,
Swaps spit with inner pathogens
To him's as sweet as the delicacy of soy
And dirt seems excite no antigens
But fools we the lookers
Who hate the act but love the actor
We're the daytime chaplains an' night's hookers
Musing the worthier and fudging the obvious factor
Don't we rear 'em and keep them?
And butcher 'em for pork?
And for sale don't we adulate 'em like gem?
Then why dub 'em berk?
With us is the knowledge and power-
To keep and care for these pigs
We can give 'em genial scour
And see 'em as moral prigs
NB: Exclusively for pig lovers.
Try to understand the natural meaning of this poem
My tech of nology is some what limited
Even when I try to get things printed
But to transfer pictures is testing me
Failed to connect keeps harrassing me
Tech of nology is a crazy puzzle
Has tied my mind into its muzzle
To think of a plan of what that might be
I decide to make a nice cup of tea
But impatient am I or a fool I may be
I begin to embark my challenging journey
The memory card will not work
And bluetooth is making me feel like a berk
Do I confess and give up now?
Or carry on with my prowl?
I take a deep breath and count to ten
I will win this and transfer them
I remove the card to check it's ok
Then put it back in, but the wrong way
So here I am with this new struggle
Stuck it is, oh I'm in a muddle
A needle, a toothpick I did apply
The tweezers I know, I will give them a try
My choices of tools I was desperate you see
To win back my card my phone kept from me
As I pulled and tugged as hard as can be
It shoots straight out into my cup of cold tea
Fingers dives in and fumbles around
To my relief the card quickly found
A blow on the card and a gentle shake
Come on card give me a break
Placed on towel paper to dry
A warm blow from the hairdryer next I try
More thoughtful this time I insert the card
But no it's still just a bit to hard
I cuss at myself for being so silly
Win I will, I'm a determined Milly
Finally inserted I am ready to go
I press the buttons but alas it's a no
No pictures was found they are lost in the sea
By the mug of my cold cup of tea
Over the top
Fog from "Frisco came.
If not only in substance,
Then in name.
From Berk' also
Some they came.
An old man sat thinking
Oh what shall I do
I really could do
With a woman or two!
The younger the better
Or three in a bed
Why are these thoughts
Going round in my head
But his looks were not pleasant
His age clearly showed
He looked like a frog
Or more so a toad!
So he came up with a devious plan
To make ladies think
That he was a young man
He joined Match.com
With a profile that said
I'm tall, dark and handsome
And damned good in bed
I'm just six feet tall
With piercing blue eyes
And in case you are wondering
It's a respectable size!
I own a nice house
I'm solvent and funny
I drive a Rolls Royce
And I have tons of money
And if you are game
For pleasure and fun
Please do get in touch
I just could be the one
He then sorted through photos
Of himself years gone by
With no wrinkles and handsome
Looking smart, suit and tie
Then he posted his profile
With his hopes raised sky high
But he looked in the mirror
And saw with a sigh
A beer belly, false teeth
Specs, walking stick
Looked down and oh
He could not see his dick!
I can get some viagra
A dot on the card
Apparently works wonders
For making things hard!
But there was a huge problem
He thought whilst he sighed
One look at me and
She will know that I lied
What's the solution
We will meet in the dark
Late at night with no moon
At the local park
But he knew damned well
That it would never work
And went to bed feeling
Like such a prize berk!
... The pen is mightier than the sword ...
The poet knight went off to war
To prove his valor true.
Sir Arthur Berk, the troubadour,
Knew he had much to do
For he had found a greater sword
To strike his foes down dead.
He swore to fight invading horde
And make their ink spill red.
Each lord, farm hand and tavern maid,
Had often heard him tell
The fierceness of his secret blade
And all the foes it fell.
Of dragons and of armies past
He'd read this weapon killed.
The legend of his sword was vast;
The ink would soon be spilled.
Soon rival horde had come again
All took up sword and shield.
The armies prepped for battle then
Were met upon the field.
They yelled and brandished spear and dirk
But soon were silent when
All held their breath to watch Sir Berk
As he unsheathed his ... pen?
He rushed in sure and unconcerned
But fell at the first blow,
And what new truth he might have learned
I guess we'll never know.
But if, perhaps, he'd been more keen
Sir Berk might still yet live;
Too late he learned the difference 'tween
Literal and Figurative.
9.13.18
Contest: Unsheathe Your Sword
Zerk was a lurking berserk
who lived in the murky-murk of the cirque
by the smirking Turk
Zerk was irking a-jerkin’ and a draught of perkin
Zerk was a-joying his shirker’s approach towards work
Zerk was a-starking, a-barking, and a-marking the world with his dirk
Zerk was a-perking for a-harking about bo-razzle and bo-really fools
Zerk was a-quirking, an abundance of uncorking bottles, un-forking sustenance,
and un-storking women
Zerk was not a follower of any kirk
Zerk was a-hoping to clerk for an irksome and biased hipster jerk
Zerk was always a-hanging out with his friends Breschel, and Lurch
Zerk contributed his artwork to the world,
Zerk was by no means a berk, instead he was quite the intellectual quirk
Zerk was always a-yerking out at the berks with his political and philosophical propaganda
Zerk was always a-chirking up Lurch with his meditative-mindset
Don’t see it lady May….
Dark demon from the nether world,
From into-outer space was hurled,
And came by Dumbo jet,
He came to prey on lady May,
An older shiela, ninety say,
Who liked dem toy boys just a bit,
But lost her glasses in a fit,
While Counting her blessings hey,
Aint love grand? Ooray,
Devonshire had seen his like,
While poncing through the mist, all night,
A second son, down under come,
The bastard son of the prince of fun,
Got sent down-under, right? {australia}
That he was just a parasite,
Her head it entered, never might,
In passionate decay, sweet delight,
Procrastination day,
Would never come her way,
So Blinded by the light,
Ecstatically so blocked with blight,
Sweetie pie ON her parasite
Her prince she had to pay,
Tad grumpy sometimes may,
2 Some poetry recite,
Sir Rhupert of the browning twist,
Bad Poetry, he sort-of missed,
But he was a tad ok,
FOR A POMMY BERK, I say, {prisoner of mother england}
An never past, dis-may,
Dem pommys talk this way,
The point I’ve poorly mist?
As for the pontificating fits,
Rabbiting on, subtle mindless gits,
Galahs and sand-goanna nongs,
In Japanese phallic ding ding thongs,
Who had the mango ****ttts, {manure}
Playing chess for sanity say?
Be careful boy you’ll slippp,
Will madness win the day,
And tremors start to hit,
Ok,
The parasite spoke up with scorn,
Like royalty I’m so high born,
Bow down to me sweet little worm,
Us Parasites hold sway,
And so I seemed to say?
“Begone thou foulest dip-stick twit,
The misel-toe does shon-kily sit, {con man part}
On a healthy tree today “ :}
But do we really have to pay?
4 Attention’s, draught a bit? :}
Don
a ponce was a pimp for the ladies of the night ,
and if you were poncing about like a pimp it was orright,
suspected pimps were poncy too right
to get my poncifocation trite...
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