Best Before Lunch Poems
Invitation to a Valentine Bash
(Direction to the Venue)
I live on the Heartland Estate
across from the Elysian Fields,
At the corner of Lovers Lane
and Pure Passion Boulevard
in the town of Romeoville.
If you are taking a midnight train
Get down at the Juliet Junction;
Catch a bus to the Break-heart pass
and get off at the Harem Heights stop.
You'll reach my Pleasure Palace
before the break of day.
Flying of course is not advised
as it is impossible to dodge Cupid's arrows!
But if you are planning to drive,
Take the highway to Elysium.
You might have to stay
overnight at the Erotica Inn,
famous for sensual simulator kiosks.
After some luscious nibbling
at the Casanova Cafe,
You'll arrive before lunch
at my enchanting Chateau.
Bring your lust luggage,
Loads of love potion
and lots of charm.
Running amuck is strictly prohibited.
There will be plenty of time
to cuddle and coo
at the Pleasure Point hill,
Loll in a pool of honey and wine
and soak in the sensual glow
of a bohemian moon.
RSVP: A week shy of Valentine's Day
Or, please call 666-PASSION.
~12/25/16
for Mystic Rose contest
I wrote a great book, part memoir, part novel
Shopped it around, I ain’t too proud to grovel
Got kicked upstairs to a big publishing head
He invited me in, and here's what was said:
This screed you call Crack House of the 13 Gables
Is one long rant mixed with recycled fables
It wanders aimlessly, but never resolves
Characters pop out of nowhere, then simply dissolve
But the symbolism, sir, allow me to explain
The Victorian parlor represents pathos and pain
In the attic are mothballed broken dreams and betrayals
It's gonna shift your paradigm right off its rails
It’s a thousand-page odyssey into the surreal
The hedge maze is where all 14 sub-plots congeal
Enough! The only reason I called you in, punk
Is to meet the lunatic who scribbled this junk
So I slunk away, not a little dejected
Ain’t much fun being literarily rejected
Trudged back to my grueling, stale coffee grind
Working 15-hour days, going out of my mind
Then one day I met an old pal for some beers
Hadn't seen him in quite a few years
I told him about my rejection slip wrangle
He said buck up, you just need the right angle
I like reading novels, now don’t get me wrong
But writin' 'em, man, that just takes too damn long
And what a huge risk, 16 years you devoted
For no payday at all, just your ego imploded
There's no need to pen the next Moby Dick
Try something short, now that is the trick!
So, I thanked my friend for his most sage advice
And took it to heart without thinkin' thrice
And now I am back as a voice for the ages
Except I'm makin' my mark in far fewer pages
I write sound bites and maxims and pithy remarks
T-shirt slogans and jokes, I just do on a lark
I bang out poems and lyrics at the drop of a hat
Dash off 17 syllables in ten seconds flat
Haikus by the bunch
Cook up a batch before lunch
Put that in your pipe
____________________________
For Humor Contest
Sponsored by: Carol Eastman
Each morning just before lunch at eleven,
I can see the black smoke rise.
Pops has his large grill fired up.
Chicken and ribs sizzle over the flame.
Just come here to satisfy your hunger.
Pops is not skimpy on his sauce.
The man is the boss for cooking.
King Hypocrite
We have the king of hypocrites, right here on the soup
With more chastising, straight from his stoop
Once again, he points his finger, from high on his wall
A brand new blog with the same childish bawl
Deleted in twenty-four, that’s his usual hit and run
He likes his big words that help hide his fun
He stands at his pulpit, his thesaurus in hand
It makes him feel smart, here in poetry land
He likes to praise your work and then throw a punch
He’ll tuck tail and run and be gone before lunch
He gets his mighty courage straight from the keg
He’ll get blind drunk and then hump your leg
The simple truth will always contradict him
So he looks for new poets and then plays the victim
Like the trolls before him, he’ll wobble on his wall
Then like humpty dumpty, he will crack from his fall
They tumble out of cars
That are booming with sound
We teachers know they live in houses
Where they cannot think
Some as young as five
They fall asleep at their desks
Before lunch and we cannot wake them
Because their brother had video games glowing all night
So they could not sleep
Some as young as five
We teachers can barely stand the noise
As their parents pull up to pick them up
After they have had a trying day at school
Trying to adjust to silence which they do not understand
Trying to fill it with all the noise they can
And getting in trouble for it
We ask the parents what time their bed time is
The parents say seven o’clock
We do not stay at the car long
Because we cannot bear the blasting from their radios
Which they do not seem to hear
This does not bother us half as much
As them not seeing their children
Who are five and have no voice
It was about 10 am when Brick finally made it to his office
he was just about to sit down when his phone rang
"23rd Homicide " Brick this is Bill its about time you showed
I've been at work over an hour while you was sleeping
Must be nice to be a big shot and get to sleep in
Bill said I " you know what they say You hang with horses
you get saddle soars... Funny Brick very funny. ha ha ha
Hey what say you and I grab some lunch today and go over
this Samurai thing my treat, Hey now you Texans are pretty
well known for being tight with a buck but your on.
How about Louie's over on Tempest and 3rd I hear they make
a mean BBQ meal over there and I'll bring what I got and we'll
pa-ruse through it. Pa-ruse where did you come up with a word like that
pa-ruse...man your killing me. Well a man has to broadin his vocabulary
ya know, Brick stick with your Brooklyn accent will ya I'll see you at noon
OK Bill see you then,Oh by the way I don't think they have horse stalls
at Louie's so you may want to drive a squad It'll be easier for you
ha ha ha very funny, see you at noon. With that I gathered up as
much of the file as I had to take with me and headed out, I figured I
would stop at a couple places before lunch and check some things out.
I was just pullin out of the garage when the call came in, 1-william 13
1 William 13 go ahead, Brick we have another stiff under the Bywater bridge
sounds like our cutter is at it again, 1 William 13 Roger headin over now
Lieutenant " as soon as I got the call I called the station on the Radio and had
them patch me into the 31st and told Bill to meet me on scene now he gets first hand
to be cont.
In quantum mechanics particles remain entangled
And connected over huge distances.
So that actions performed on one particle
Still affect the others in the web or wave.
Einstein called entanglement "Spooky at a distance"
Because he couldn't explain the fate of Schrödinger's cat.
In a strange twist of fate, scientists
Discovered a new phenomenon called 'rhyme'
Which was related to 'strangeness' of quarks.
Rhyme was the missing link between entropy and entanglement.
Rhyme was what kept particles entangled by strong reason.
But the law of entropy ensures that ordered entangled particles that rhyme
Must dissociate fast to maximum disorder, releasing huge amounts of energy.
The breakthrough came when NASA employed poets to entwine reason and rhyme
To create Rhyme Drive, a quantum ion drive engine beyond belief,
Which was capable of getting a spacecraft to Mars in 42 minutes flat.
Speed of light shattered by rhyme and reason, science and poetry enwrapped in strangeness.
So it was dawn at Cape Canaveral for launch of Rhyme 1 to Mars,
With gaggle of poets and scientists on board the first flight,
Ready to prime and prompt Rhyme Drive to cite and perform.
No need for sandwiches, as this touch and go return flight, would be back before lunch.
Hawking and Branson embraced, and cheered the lift off Rhyme 1
Waving a banner "Rhyme Warps Time, See You Soon"
"A" always comes before "B" and "C" before "D"
it seems no matter how we want it to be.
Bkft comes before lunch and lunch before dinner,
what else is true? If you come first...your a winner.
We crawl before we stand...we stand before we walk,
we start making noises before we learn to talk.
Why not jumble up the letters...
have dinner at lunch.
I bet you find this idea interesting...I have a hunch.
Why not try singing a new kind of song,
and while your at it...try clapping along.
If your use to writing poems that are angry and sad,
try to find something that makes you feel glad.
If you find yourself writing about what you have lost,
tell us what you've gained and don't count the cost.
Stretch your mind...and I think you will find,
new horizons will open of all kinds.
P.R.Deremer
I went to the store with a list on which my
wife had numbered 10 items. I bought
1 loaf of bread, 2 quarts of milk, 3 dozen eggs,
4....!!!!! (number 10 was a 10 lb bag of flour)
I tried to return a “free gift” once.
I bought one “forever stamp”, thinking
that was the only one I would ever need.
I asked once, if they had white wine at communion.
I carried a box of granola bars to work once when
on a diet. I ate 12 bars before lunch and never
lost an ounce.
I believed my doctor, when he said, “Charlie, I
don’t think it would hurt to check your prostate.”
Meaning that it would be a good idea. But he
was right. It didn’t hurt—after I passed out.
Once I didn’t pay attention to where I squatted in a
Cyprus knee swamp.
I tried to take a trigger fish off my hook by putting my
thumb in it’s mouth like a bass. He ate it like it was a bass.
I asked my wife to go on birth control. She had triplets.
She blamed it on me. Heck if It hadn’t been for me she
might have had a litter.
When I first got my cat I let it lick me on the face.
Then one day I saw what it licked when I wasn’t around.
© Jul 14 2010 For Joe's "Top Ten" contest
Today make sure make it good
spend it so you will enjoy
the forecast looks reasonably good
so let's go getting our feet employ
Fill the haversack with food and drink
kindle notebook pen and phone
that should be all I will need
bus pass too as forgetful I'm prone
So make for Scotland's gateway
taking three buses on the way
Perth in the north my destination
hoping it will be a sunny day
Arrive just before lunch have a coffee
take a walk over the river Tay
have pack lunch on woodland park
looking over Perth city wish could stay
As I write this I'm on way home
lovely blue skies with clouds white
sun's shine bright so fully
a lovely day it's been so right
Coffee in the morning
Breakfast in the City;
looking at the streets,
what is lurking underneath?
Annoying little something
In the workplace; 10:00 AM.
Fired another employee
Just before lunch.
Left the Office around 1:00 PM,
Took a Subway somewhere new.
I'll own this part of town I guess
If it's something I will do.
Back to work by 3:00.
Have a date at Eight.
Nothing very serious,
On one night of the business Week.
Wake up in my apartment.
7:30 am sharp.
I'm gone before she showers;
lock the door dear, when you're done.
3-6-9 format created by Emile J. Pinet. The scientist and inventor Nikola Tesla believed that the numbers 3-6-9 held great significance, and in deference to him, the 3-6-9 was invented. An eighteen line rhyming verse with the following rhyme scheme: (aba - cdcefe - ghgijiklk,) with a syllable count of 333, 66666, 999999999. It looks best centered.
School bell rang
Pledge was said
Children sang.
Reading first on the bill
With groups according to
Proficiency and skill;
Arithmetic quickly
Followed before lunch time--
A subject most prickly.
Post lunch came lessons in history
Geography quickly followed it
Along with science, a mystery.
When we were sleepiest, teacher read
A story to hold our interest
We tried to keep from nodding our heads.
Last came music and creative art
End of the school day slowly approached,
We readied ourselves, glad to depart.
It was the second Saturday of the month
In the afternoon, before lunch, we made love
It has become our ceremonial sacrament.
I entered her, and I thought,
Does she feel anything?
Beyond my curiosity, it was nice
An out of body experience
Propelling forward
Drawing back
Impaling her like
A surgeon engraves a patient
Making his mark
Just as I made mine.
So many Saturdays
Stealing the purity from
The marriage bed
Attempting to not make evidence
I mounted her
straddling her thighs
Looking at the family photo above the bed
Her horizontal skin adhering to mine
It is odd that I felt this way for her
As I laid on top of her
Ears rubbing
Necks caressing
Bodies uniquely intertwining
like octopuses
fighting over the same boat
We had to stop.
As I quietly left, tucking her under the covers
Leaving my forty-six dollars and fifty-eight cents
On the kitchen counter
for my services and
fresh box of condoms,
Placing the cum filled contraceptive
in her husbands slippers
Knowing he comes home from work tired;
hopefully as tired as I made his wife.
Hand me the sugar.
Flour.
Cinnamon.
Don’t forget the chocolate chips!
Oh, and the prank!
The worms!
The worms!
For an added crunch.
Now hurry,
Go cook the bunch.
We need those done,
Before lunch,
To watch daddy turn green,
And mommy to scream!
Shh…. Here they come to eat!
There they go,
Grab the cookies.
What’s this?
No green?
Not even a scream?
Nothing a’tall?
Darn, we were caught by Aunt Charell.
She switched the batch,
But it was such a good catch……
(Direction to the Venue)
I live on the Heartland Estate
Across from the Elysian Fields,
At the corner of Lovers Lane
and Pure Passion Boulevard
in the town of Romeoville.
If you are taking a midnight train
Get down at the Juliet Junction;
Catch a bus to the Breakheart pass
And get off at the Harem Heights stop.
You'll reach my Pleasure Palace
before the break of day.
Flying of course is not advised
As it is impossible to dodge
Cupid's arrows!
But if you are planning to drive,
Take the highway to Elysium.
You might have to stay
overnight at the Erotica Inn,
Famous for sensual stimulator Kiosks.
After some luscious nibblings
at the Casanova Cafe,
You'll arrive before lunch
at my enchanting Chateau.
Bring your lust luggage,
Loads of love potion and lots of charm.
Running amuck is strictly prohibited.
There will be plenty of time to cuddle
and coo at the Pleasure Point hill,
Loll in a pool of honey and wine,
And soak in the sensual glow
of a bohemian moon.
RSVP: A week shy of Valentine's Day
Or, please call 666-PASSION.