Trigger Warning:
This poem contains themes of toxic relationships, manipulation, emotional abuse, and references to suicidal threats. Please read with care.
I am too alive to die,
But too dead to live
Meeting you was a slow burn,
Like a burn given by cig.
Started with breaking friendships,
And then you hated to see—
simple dinners with family,
Me just trying to be.
"I want you to myself"
"You don't give me enough time"
"I'll kill myself if you ignore."
"You better stay in line."
I didn't want anyone to hurt,
So I always complied.
You quoted this was love,
And I believed your lies.
It has become the past now,
And I know it wasn't love.
But the bitter taste still lingers
And it stays like ash in my lungs.
You open your mouth
And my breath comes out
My heart spilled on your chest
I know what happens next
Fingers intertwine
I’ll let you blur the line
We’ve synced our hand watches, our breathes,
Our time and upward motions
Our souls whisper and kiss
Linguistics meet their stand in
Looks and tells, a longing, dripping cheeks
A hum, a nod, a wink to God
Publicly known words replaced with privately-owned sounds
So as not to water down
What’s already been found
‘For the message is foolishness to those who are perishing’
All valuable things are done in secret
Secret tongues, intertwine
I’ll let you blur the line
We’re getting by,
year by moment
Unblinded and defiant, I asked you to carve your name into my skin
I’m under the covers, inside your chest
Blood pumps and beats,
Whispering vows breath-soft in morse code
You’re always running a beat behind mine
Oh my stars, oh my lord
I got my tongue tied with a cord
Near the crowd; among the people—
Stitch my lips up with a needle.
Shut the door now, stop the creaking
Or the grandma will start shrieking
Stop the marriage, kill the firstborn
Don’t care if that makes my mother mourn.
Hide the faces, sweep the floor
Shake the sin out of your core
If the father finds you cheating
You won’t escape without a beating.
Keep the words now, stuff them in
Let the baby choke within.
Make the plant grow, now pluck it out
Weep with sorrow, mingle with doubt.
Past midnight, lock the door
Step outside, are you sure?
Stuck hard, buried deep
Wear that skirt, aren't you cheap?
Bite down your cheeks till blood runs thin
See the righteous point and grin;
Pray to God, then hide the bruise
In this house, you always lose.
The Shadow of Your Deceit
You read my diary you stole in the dark
My private thoughts, a feast for your deceit,
Now you rewrite my sanity with lies.
You’re gaslighting me
I’m on the edge, a fracture made complete,
While you watch on with hollow, predator eyes.
Think you’re a friend? You’re a ghost, a fraud, a thief.
I’m gathering the breath to scream your crime.
Your reign is over; mine is the relief,
I imagine to do the same back
To take you down to the train station
And push you on the train down to hell
With one great push and we lock the door
In time for it to leave.
How sad do you think I truly felt,
When the rock struck her head?
She tumbled right over the cliff’s edge,
After all the blood we'd shed.
She broke my nose, she cracked my skull,
While playing the "best friend" part
All because I found a love
That she lacked in her own heart.
Such relief, isn't it?
The slain damned sister
Look at me while you sleep,
Look deep into my eyes.
Sink into a slumber,
Where you’ll never see the rise.
I’ll wash your face with falling tears,
That drown the sight in yours.
While every ounce of pain you gave,
Settles in our pores.
You’ll slowly fade to nothing,
A ghost of what was well.
Sleep tight, my love, forever
And find your rest in hell.
A Pit for the Toxic
Let’s pray for a bottomless pit,
A hollowed space in the heart of hell,
Where we can toss the toxic soul
Who rang my spirit like a funeral bell.
I remember the weight of her evilness,
The way she turned my world to grey;
She brought my spirit to a sudden end,
A debt I know she’ll never pay.
I cannot forget, I won’t forgive,
One silent push, I won’t speak his/her name
I’ll watch her as he/she tumbles in.
It’s just the final straw
So let us pray and push together.
we are vines & a tree
choking each other without meaning to.
we both want to grow towards the sun
but we can't do it without stopping the other.
of course, no one will win. we are both taken down
by a landscaper, or a homeowner, we both die.
when the saw grits, we both get hurt
because what else is there to do
but fall & be fallen onto.
bad taste left behind
from the poison on your lips
your kiss of death
I leave the Christmas matinee
after five. Clouds sparse and dark
blue, fierce wind kicking up
from the North. Last night I rented
Midnight Cowboy, hoping it wasn’t
a mistake. The first time
I saw it I was spending the night
with my closest friend, who lived
in the dorm. Some guys
trapped me in the men’s toilets,
blocking the door, forcing the air
from my lungs. But how could I
not watch again, with goofy Joe
Buck, cowboy hustler who cares
too much to earn genuine coin
for sex, and Ratso hobbling
(like Amahl or Tiny Tim)
and that inconsolable harmonica
and Nilsson dragging me
to endless aching? How badly
I need Christmas this time
around. Something to keep me
from slugging myself. Ratso
follows me like a cozy shadow,
all crumby and disgusting. If only I
could kiss him on the mouth again
and again, crash the showers
in the men’s dorm and lather him
tenderly. If only I could go back.
If only my buddy had said
something. Just something.
I am drowning.
not because I cannot swim,
not because the raft is out of sight,
but because I keep reaching for you.
And no matter how far I sink,
you seem to drift further
just beyond the reach of everything I have left to give.
I find myself questioning
whether you were ever really there at all
or if I am slowly becoming paranoid, delusional,
lost in something I can no longer name.
Because every time I think I’ve found you,
every time I feel close enough to breathe again,
you vanish
like something that was never meant
to be held.
Sometimes I look up,
toward the surface,
and I think about letting go.
But then I hear you
faint, distant,
calling out to me.
And suddenly,
I am drowning all over again.
It is exhausting
this cycle of reaching,
of losing,
of hoping.
And maybe…
it is easier to drown
than to keep swimming toward something
that keeps slipping away.
Or maybe
somewhere between the depths and the surface
I have lost myself entirely.
I heard - that the Sun and his distance
Once fluttered persistence
To the Moon, that her beauty would free.
Through the dark of his absence
Shining still, her florescence
Against the backdrop of stars in the sea.
Chasing day's independence
Bluest skies, fading crescents
As his light forces her to flee.
I try to get close but it’s like chasing a rainbow
The winds of your aura like a cloudy tornado
Trying to get a glimpse of who you really are
The one who left my heart with so many scars
But even after all the pain I’ve suffered through
I’d do it all again if it meant I could be with you..
I say I’m independent
but I’m lonely when alone
I say I don’t need you
but want to see ur name calling my phone
every time you call
I say oh no not again
meanwhile I’m wishing I could answer
i still say I love you in my head
I tell my girls it’s over
deep down I want it to be true
instead I’m addicted to your poison
still inhaling every one of your fumes
i hate you but still want you
how is that not toxic?
you make me cry then you make me cum
I swear that be psychotic
I shoulda kept you blocked
moved on and dissapeared
show you I’m better off
and not let the fake interfere
I know they all be judging
, I would be too
screaming out “ITS FOR THE BETTER ”
when Deep down my heart knows it’s true
Between confidence and insecurity
lies this cold, barren land of fragility.
Dead branches of inability,
cold air coated with repression,
white wolves disguising fear with aggression.
That’s where you’ll find me.
Sometimes it’s almost like I see the way out:
the Caribbean of confidence.
There’s another exit too
the desert of insecurity.
I’m not used to either of those climates.
I’ll stay here.
Maybe you can tell me about them.
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