I catch my own eyes in the bathroom mirror
before I even turn the cold water on.
I watch every quiet, hopeful plan I made
get quietly picked apart and gone.
I wear this skin, I answer to my name,
I’m the author of every doubt I hide.
I pull down my own small victories
and stand my own worst foe, inside.
When 5 a.m. hits with its pale blue light
and promises a second chance to try,
I drag out old mistakes from years ago
just to give myself a reason why.
I tell myself I am not man enough,
that every step forward is a fake,
that the moment things get steep or real
I’ll bend beneath the weight and break.
I sit at my desk in the afternoon slump,
building a maze out of unread mail.
I lock the doors, throw away the keys,
and then wonder why I’m set to fail.
I dissect every single word I said,
turning harmless moments into debt.
I don't need anyone to tear me down,
I haven't even given myself a chance yet.
And yet I'm the one who holds the pen,
the one who keeps writing out the fear.
If I'm the architect of all this noise,
I'm the only one who can clear it from here.
Dear anxiety
You have been getting to me in the past few days
Can you leave now?
My head hurts too much
My body refuses to move
My mind is paralyzed from the weight
It is making me suffocate
It's too much now
The pills are finished
The feeling of disappointment leaves marks.
How deep? Uncertain?
I wonder about the way I should die
I hate hanging, I might go with the knives.
It's okay
Nobody will even notice that I'm gone
My presence won't stick
It will slough and shred
Even in your memory
I will be discarded
My legs feel stiff from running too much
Bandages mangled with the scars hidden
Nothing is wrong with me
Just an empty mind
And a body feeling like prison
Tear me apart
Piece by piece
Spill them on the floor
Then step on me
Crush me a little more
What do I do
Wait for a miracle
Or just watch myself crumble
Maybe neither
Already the knife is stained red
The blood is free
Blissfully happy to fall.
My biggest weakness is my desire for obsession
My want to be fully engulfed in my aeipathy for another person
To give them all of me
And more, all I want to be
To gladly abandon any other potential
To blind myself
To neglect anything else that needs my attention
To forsake my goals and any progress I've made toward them
For the sake of being consumed by the feeling of being in love
To hold tight to someone long after they are gone.
To fixate on an idea
I do this to my detriment
I remain stagnant in a moment long past
And feel it still, as real as it once had been
My disposition to sacrifice the current moment is my undoing
I abandon the things that need tending to
I die to all future moments
I could easily live the rest of life as a court jester
Playing the role of Romeo on the stage of my own mind
The silly games you play are pointless
They alienate you from what you desire.
You unwillingly sabotage yourself at every bend.
Convoluted twisting turns lead only to confusion.
Be a straight shooter, true love awaits.
AP: 2nd place 2025
19 when I got married,
claimed that I was his world his love.
if only I knew... love so bitter it had to be my mother-in-laws' early coffee
it's absurd - the comparison I mean.
judging from her sweet pollen gestures, wolf in sheep's clothing I tell you,
she wasn't the only one with a mask.
I've had my fair share of pearls tea and gossip.
a silver serpent caging me from the inside, of course no one knew about it.
I can't find my notes but I think he might,
it makes no difference to me though,
it's about time he learns he has competition,
might make him love me more,
might bring me closer to 6 cushioned wood walls,
might bring me some peace.
what is peace anyways? why love when loss is guaranteed?
lower your expectations, it minimises the pain.
love me when it's relevant.
I don't know if I've actually had enough of it all or not?
was it sabotage
or merely stupidity
similar sneakers
Things can suddenly
take their toll,
Emptiness creates an
even bigger hole.
Your only company is
a shadow on the wall,
Because you purposely avoid
every text and call.
Can't bear the thought
of making small talk,
So you return to bed
dragging your feet as you walk.
You throw yourself down
letting out a deep groan,
Pushing loved ones away
just to be left alone.
Hoping each day
for happiness to return,
As you wait for this stage
of self-sabotage to be done.
How could you do that to yourself?
You don't even have the slightest idea of how it felt.
You are just making things up,
You have no idea how hard it is to coverup.
All the pain I went through,
Seems meaningless after seeing myself with no clue.
Tried so hard to not look at others.
But kept self sabotaging one after the other.
Never thought I'd ever end up here,
But that's what you get after dealing with extreme pain and fear.
Life gets better and everything happens for a reason,
But deep down we all know that I am meant to be a bad season.
see messy garage
has been like a big barrage
result sabotage
For those who lack conviction
Aspirations stay but a mirage
And for those crafting mountains from mole hills
Detriment a deadly barrage
Believers of strange eyes upon them
Flaunt shame as a wristed corsage
And without the courage to soften their hackles
Lie confined in their mind's dank garage
Jongleurs of fabled failures
Treat their worry to massage
Subjecting the rest of their dreadful days
To vexation's entourage
Clever inventors of futuristic fear
Paste pictures to a specious collage
And blame the world around them
Imaginary Sabotage
Similar to how
Platypi secrete
Poison from their
feet
the heels of your lips
rips my heart
apart
soul surrender
modern art
Poison guise
covert convalescence
from the claws
of your eyes
Laws of lies'
essence
intrude to conclude
an earnest feeling
dealing with the fact
that I love you
deeply
And much like Platypi
I am often confused
for something
that I'm not
but
in love
with you
this I'm as certain
as Platypi
are to amphibians
which they're not
Let it be just a kiss:
Long or short that you miss,
Your car's door firmly shut
I don't want to hear "But-"
Yes, all glasses rolled up;
You shut your questions up!
Love inside a stopped car
Is taking things too far,
Even for a filled bar,
It could one's image mar,
One's career further mar,
On one's nerves it might jar...
"You just stopped on a tar
And said "sex in a car!"
No, in your own garage
That wont things sabotage:
Your hopes of long massage;
Captured scenes a mirage...
Like you're still in your house
Your wife without her blouse...
No way to explain it
No need to analyze
No rationale, so incredible
And no meaningful prize
No possible motive
Except maximum self
The conscious world ceases
Brains put on the shelf
Bad habits are just that
Unhealthy routines
Crossing borders, explosive
Loaded, meaningless fiends
And, yes, if G-d let's you
You'll endure this storm too
And the loathing, disgust
Will fade into view
Until the next time
When the devil drops by
Maybe wish him well
As you bid him goodbye.
(7/30/18)
It's the 3rd of the month
An excellently important day
5 decades or so ago,
My parents made a little 'roll in the hay'
Tonight, I'm spoiling myself
Going out for dinner el solo
Down to my favourite local Bistro
For Salmon Wellington, Cab Sav and Gateau
Made sure I phoned ahead,
with 3 weeks to go
Booked a delicious pescatarian meal
And a table outside, on the patio
I arrived with a grin
And was shown to a shabby table inside
Served Beef Wellington, Sav Blanc,
And for dessert, a Mince Pie!
Why? What? How could this be?
I immediately called for the Chef
Oh Lanser, how could you get this so wrong
Have you recently gone stone deaf?
No! He said, in his monotone
And pulled from his pocket an email
You sent us this note just yesterday
Updating your culinary detail
But it wasn't... I didn't.... Who could it have been?
To know that I'd definitely be here
Someone who would sabotage my effulgent glory
And rob me of my cheer?
Then it dawned on me
Who sabotaged my favourite night
It was my horrible ex-wife
She's darn clever, evil and so full of spite
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