362.
My Fear of Restlessness
I fear physical death because I may just go…
To a forest or a mountain or a cave
Where I make mother nature my own grave
Like an elemental who causes fear to those who misbehave!
To a hospital or an office or an abandoned building
Where I treat man-made structure my own dwelling
Like a ghost who gives goosebumps to those who are living!
-03/18/2015
(Dumarao)
*My Fear of Death Collection
Unlike all other species on the Earth
We do not explore and move and spread out
Based on necessity or compulsion.
No, we do so simply because it’s there.
It is our nature, given us at birth.
We are restless unless we move about.
Our wild, restless hearts fuel our propulsion,
And onward and forward do we repair.
Our unquiet hearts are surely a sign
Of our heavenly home for which we pine.
Perhaps dawn; night will be strikethrough —
perhaps even my solitary nights.
Who knows, perhaps the sun —
though inevitable,a smile will defy its gold.
Perhaps twilight dawns are beautiful,
But even brightest dawns signal the dark.
Perhaps you will notice, a bankrupt smile.
Even night-birds chatter,
Even crickets, even in silent midnights,
Many a mongrels howl, perhaps —
a song, perhaps hope,
Perhaps you will notice.
Perhaps a golden dawn ray
will tap my shoulder,
and I will wake to bliss.
Perhaps the lark will sing,
or perhaps the clouds —
will be bright with rain,
The weatherman might be in error.
Perhaps I will finally dance; in peace
Perhaps…
Middle of the night,
I woke up wide.
Staring at the ceiling,
I heard the rhythms of my breathing.
Fidgety, I was on the edge.
Did I forget some pledge?
Special day of someone I adore,
Or I missed some pressing chore.
Delving deep into my mind,
I got no answer, it was blind.
Yet the restlessness did not subside,
Till I saw the date blinking by my bedside.
One year has passed,
I saw you that night, last.
As I wander across the arid dunes
Singing along, stringing along the ghastly glacial tunes
Sinking in the sands of debility
Saddled on a ride filled with sanguinity
Pondering, contemplating, despairing
Again, something is missing
Losing my touch as I bask in unfulfillment
Treasuring countless, meaningless sentiment
Albeit freedom-sworn, forever I am imprisoned
Locked behind those mourns of the damned
Days fly, and keep flying, freezing this ever old tale
The pained, unchanging currents never stopped, my heart too shall never settle
The nightly howls never halted, my eyes open unendingly
I often lay down with restlessness wrapped around my chest,
Wild thoughts running continuously when the world sleeps,
I keep wondering where are they and what are they doing,
Why this stillness is stabbing harder than words.
Are they with someone who made them forget about me?
Do they find joy in places we used to visit?
Are they happy without me?
Are they at peace while I am stuck in the limbo of the past?
Is forgetting so easy for them,
Like brushing dust off their shoulder,
Like I was a chapter that they are so desperate to forget?
Did I mean nothing that they feel unburdened?
Then the cruel guilt rolls in,
But now I wonder if I am being selfish feeling this way.
For wanting to matter enough to be missed,
For wanting the proof that I am not the only one lost.
My knees held tightly to my chest,
I thought the storm clouds were miles off in the distance,
Of someone else's distress.
But morning came, and the storm remained.
No water nor washing could wipe away the stains of sorrows
And restlessness from my covers-
My detrimental haven...
I could rot away here, the irony being I already do.
What treasures can shake me from my trance?
Little seems to speak to me anymore-
I have become stale.
fidget! fidget! fidget!
until you can't do it anymore
fall! fall! fall!
until you reach the Bottom of the universe
run! run! run!
until you gasp at your last wavering breath
hide! hide! hide!
until you fade into the darkness of abyss
drown! drown! drown!
until a hand Catches you
gasp! gasp! gasp!
until Your lungs are free of Water
see the light?
you see it ... can't you?
Wa-Iza Sa-laka Ibadi Ani Fa-ini Qareeb. (Al-Quran)
"Am truly near.
I respond to one’s prayer when they call upon Me"
Where can we find the calmness of our minds and souls
Our minds are always running wild
Images of dreams overlap and overlap
Until they are messy and entangled
Dream may or may not come true
If it comes true, it'll become a reality
It yields satisfaction
Followed by the calmness of the mind and soul
If it doesn't come true, it'll become an illusion
It yields disappointment
Followed by the restlessness of the mind and soul
Unknown and uncertainity
Fate and destiny, fear and worry
Greed and dissatisfaction
Guilt and inferiority
All will erode the calmness of our minds and souls
Maybe we will find calmness in love and confidence
True and justice
And of course not excluding a religion
As a chance to achieve
The calmness of our minds and souls
We can adopt a religion
And pray to the almighty god
Who is always a good listener
And a good comforter
Restless.
Gradual,
Haphazard,
Graced with the dexterity,
With jabs to its sides in the still wind,
With the dance of grey smoke from a pot of incense.
It breezes in the descending direction unto a platter.
A mass of saltwater–as it'd find out later.
The roars of the tides,
The whistles of the wind kissing the oceans surface,
The spirited slaps of the waves,
The ominous boilings in the under caves.
All and all– music of restlessness!
On and on,the dancing leaf on the ocean.
The moon is restless
roaming in and out of clouds-
Intermittent stars
Motions above and below
through eternal sleepless night
Shunning saffron days
night owls and fireflies revel
to nightingale's song
Wide awake blooms gaze at moon-
The wind's everywhere at once
The winter is sagging in strength
And wary is becoming the graveyard
Of its inhabitants, lying in their tombs,
As they seem to stretch themselves
Up from their wintery drowsiness
To embrace the signs of life
Defrosting leisurely from the fatigue
In the vegetation around.
Soon will the greenery pick up
The trees will blossom
And the flowers will dance
To the songs of the birds
But the graveyard
In all its loneliness still
Would dare not shed
Caution to the wind
And risk its occupants,
Inspired by the sniff
Of the rejuvenation around,
Taste the nectar and walk away
Into the world outside
To be disdained as ghosts
If ever they made their presence felt
By all those whom they had loved
With all their hearts
Before their final depart.
Restlessness
Saw it yesterday,
alone,
sitting on a rock,
not looking too happy.
Motionless
against
its own reflection,
glaring at itself.
It threw a stone
as if to chase away
the aged creature
looking back
as if the ripples
might ease the past.
Saw it look ahead,
slump wearily
against the ancient oak,
unsure, almost afraid,
of its future.
It stood slowly,
regained its balance,
moved methodically forward
each step unsure
for Time,
though ever present,
must keep moving
as it grows old.
7/23/2016
submitted to – New or Old – poetry contest
Under washing sound of drifting rains,
Thunder lightning cracking at my sky,
I sit in distress restless and why?
This bold confusion and my mind wanes.
Tightly softly closing slender eyes,
Flashing stories that are not yours or mine,
Perhaps a pill or even too much wine,
Tossing turning disappointed sighs.
Bleak and flashing stolen songs,
These motions and or these fears creep,
I'll never rest! Why oh why can't I sleep?
Perhaps for spite or all past wrongs.
But fear not darling self this lonely night,
Sooner than sooner or later there shall be light.
I've danced forever;
temperance bound
under this vestal spell,
a captive in these conventions of virtue,
in these endless circles
of same guiding same,
someone else's expectations
deciding my every step.
All the while I entertain
the restless riots building within.
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