I can feel my pulse in my fingertips,
like my hands are trying to escape.
Do I lean in? Do I lean back?
Please don’t let me stumble over my own feet.
My heart is doing that ridiculous thumping thing.
Why does it feel like the world is waiting?
Should I say something? Something clever?
No, just stay quiet, it’s fine.
Just breathe…oops, too noticeable.
Why is everything suddenly so tricky?
Your eyes are so close, almost too near.
Okay, maybe not, maybe it’s the perfect distance.
What if my lips are awkward? What if I taste strange?
I’m panicking, yes, in every corner of me.
I tell myself stop, act normal… but my pulse gives me away.
“Hey… is everything okay? You seem nervous.”
I nod too fast, my thoughts scattering everywhere.
I want to laugh, I want to crawl under a rock.
I feel like I might float or fall all at once.
My eyes dart everywhere, but you’re right here, holding my hand.
And then it happens, gentle, hesitant, soft.
Our lips meet, and my stomach flutters.
It’s awkward, it’s funny, it’s perfect in its messiness.
I think, maybe this is how first kisses are meant to feel.
And I secretly hope it never ends.
I ran through it.
My arms are ribbons twirling around.
There is always a spot available.
On a bench which is made up of livelihoods like mine.
But there’s something so nice about sitting down.
When there is nowhere else to sit.
This is the most splintering kind of panicking.
This bench is made of old wood.
So it’s one of those woodsy types of places to sit.
And everyone does sometimes.
It’s the most ruined, run down panicked feeling.
The last person who sat here?
I think he was a music teacher.
I can tell by the music he left in my head.
On this bench which seems to conform to my body like a couch cushion.
I think he stopped following me.
So I can fall asleep in the woods.
Wouldn’t it be weird if I kept running?
I thought so too.
“Who is it about?”
You. It’s always been you. For months. Worth more than gold, weighing less than mud are my thoughts. Months of downplaying, cast aside, thrown to the pigs. You. It always came back to you. With your silky hair, long and dark. Soft to the touch, like one would imagine a cloud's. Your eyes, dark as midnight, calming to any heart or panicking mind. Midnight eyes, sparkling in the starlight. Capturing one’s vision and not letting go. You captured my vision, my mind, and my heart, and you don’t seem to want to let go. Your smile that lights up my whole world. Fireworks go off every time I see you smile. One thought burned through my brain: Why is it you? I have always gotten over it. You’re just different. Fear courses through my veins every time I see you. Fear that I will hear your voice. Fear that I won’t. I cannot tell which would be worse. Fear that you’ll see her. Fear that you won’t see me. Except that you never do. You’ve never truly seen me. You see her, you only care about her. I’ve never been more than a complement to her existence in your eyes. Go ahead and ask, “Who is it about?” Your answer will always be, with no hesitation… Nobody.
Breathe in, Breathe out.
Breathe in, Breathe out.
Help Me! I can't breathe!
I can't catch my breath! I'm gonna die!
Luckily a friend close by,
gently caught my arm and said:
Calm Down! Calm Down! You're panicking!
It's not the in, It's the out!
You're brimming breathless!
You've forgotten to breathe out,
desperately clutching on, to what you have.
You're holding on, too scared to let it go.
Your lungs are topped up, chock-a-block full!
You've gotta let it out, let it go, to begin again.
The tides gotta run out before the tide comes in.
Be brave my friend and exhale, exhale,
exhale, again, vacate the void, feel it fully empty.
Let it go, Let it go, Let it go.
Breathe Out! Breathe in.
Breathe Out! Breathe in.
When you think of three days.
You might think of that long, long weekend.
Where you danced in a dream.
Or went to space, again and again.
I had three days to think.
I didn’t though.
They just followed me around.
I could have run, but this house is a maze of mirrors.
The freezer door opened sometimes.
The cabinet doors broke and fell down.
I could have started shaking.
But there’s too much to do.
Three days ago,
I had been working at my new job for two months.
Some work tasks continue no matter what.
I opened the drawer and forks spewed out.
If a panic attack lasts three days?
Who’s to say I’m in my house?
I’m just within a beach ball.
Bouncing around and it burns!
I had three days and the cabinet light is turned on.
I had thoughts like the two month thoughts.
The freezer opens in a panicking way.
I get confused, I have to be a maze.
When you have three days.
To get dressed, eat, and brush your teeth.
And you simply don’t.
That’s when.
Three months ago.
I didn’t know what the voices were.
He said to me.
That I look better today.
Like a raging river barreling toward an arid basin,
sediment collects inside a hardening heart.
Weighing heavy, eyelids flutter over drowning maculas;
all that can be seen are murky riptides.
Vision cuts out.
Frantically flaring arms desperately try to skim the surface,
dragged deeper into an unknown chasm.
Sub-zero temperatures shroud panicking flesh.
Prying eyes open, undiluted pitch darkness surrounds.
Gasping for oxygen, lungs inflame.
Excruciating pain catapults through weakening legs.
Safety is nowhere to be found.
Reaching into an intolerably tight pocket,
I feel for your disintegrating picture.
My savior became my impending doom.
Only evanescent memories remain
at the bottom of this watery grave.
thunder rumbles
constantly
off in a distance
even more thunder
thunder
gets closer
intensified
howling tempest
lightning flashes
thunderclaps
clap again
house shakes upon its foundation
gust's speed picks up
constant lightning flashes
bringing nitrogen to earth
i feel it turning plants green
wind chimes dance
jingle
play their tunes
independently
in the mist of the bluster
God's presence is real
i know He's here
in this chinook
i know my Protector lives
He cares
He's real
my humanness still is afraid
each shake
each flash
each intense billow scares
His presence keeps me
from falling apart
running scared
or panicking
Decades a midwife a definer of rights written so patients
And authoritys both knew their plights.' Un-jabbed 2020 up
Till today, yet prosecuted by N Z jacinda aderns machine which stated
She had to pay? They tried to bully and really every sick trick.' Even forgery of her signature, i think they were a bit thick? Well its all turned turtle, and they're panicking now..
The genocidal mantra.' The outright lies and deceit show
I advise a trip to you-tube where if you enter her name.?
Under New Zealand midwife, it will truly enlighten your brain.'
It was like someone tried to bury me in the snow.
I woke up.
I shoveled for half an hour.
Snow is dangerous.
I hope I don’t die.
Panicking.
I could have a heart attack, heart attack.
But I made it inside to make hot chocolate.
Heart attacks don’t let you go back inside.
I grab gloves.
Yes, that helps my frozen fingers.
If snow was all there was, I would make a million snowmen.
And they would be friends.
Like she was.
The wind starts blowing snow around.
Look outside, look outside.
The snow hides the grass.
Then the dirty snow hides under new snow.
Her car is collecting snow in the junk yard.
It was the third time it had snowed this winter.
Then the fourth.
Then the fifth.
It never melts, just turns into ice.
I wish I liked a lot of ice in my water, so I could drink it all up.
But that could never be.
It will continue to snow.
Until everyone else is buried too.
Let's be aware of children’s hide-and-seek antic
Displaying playful passenger tactic…
We keep on doing our best with our safety*-training, so fantastic
Never panicking, showing not that we’re upset and frantic…
We love our God-given duty; let’s be energetic
Every child we protect must know we’re enthusiastic.
*Proverbs 21:31 - The horse is prepared against the day of battle: but safety is of the LORD.
April 10, 2024
1st place, "Search That Bus (6 Lines or Less)" Poetry Writing Contest
Sponsored by Miranda Hawley; judged on 4/21/2024
Reading the label on a Bottle of typical bleach states,
'kills 99% of germs''
Well that's a good thing to know
But what really concerns me
It's not the 99%?
But the 1%
That has the potential to kill me
Now I find out there are 1,438,808
On my phone?
Ahh! That's why they say you have a Virus on your PC or Bug. Now I'm panicking!
I don't feel too well.
"911''!
It's out there!
Living my life
Living the rain
Rain for all
Rain for plants
Plants for breaths
Plants will save
Save your skin
Save your soul
Soul within peace
Soul so serene
Serene as lakes
Serene as dreams
Dreams during days
Dreams during nights
Nights that glitter
Nights so bright
Bright is light
Bright is sight
Sight to see
Sight to think
Think of running
Think of panicking
Panicking over rain
Panicking over nothing
Nothing whatever it is
Nothing even if wet
Wet until drought
Wet however is thought
Thought of intellect
Thought of a leader
A leader before the frail
A leader over all
All define survival
All define life
Life brings happiness
Life is lovely
Lovely as a creature
Lovely as nature
Nature can protect
Nature always flourish
Flourish the seas
Flourish against disasters
Disasters bring shame
Disasters get us through despair
Despair over nothing
Despair before joy
Joy brings hope
Joy brings love
Love…
Hope…
I woke up,
a strangers next to me,
it's not right,
it's not who it's supposed to be!
I rub my eyes,
to help me see,
my heart is racing,
I want to flee!
Am I dreaming,
do my eyes deceive,
what's happening now,
I can't believe!
No matter how,
I try to leave,
my means of escape,
I can not achieve.
I'm panicking now,
so what can I do,
my eyes are wide open,
I see the full view!
He left the door open,
and the truck running too,
in jumped a man,
but I don't know who.
He slammed on the gas,
without no despair,
speeding into traffic,
he didn't even care!
His eyes were like fire,
like none to compare,
all twitching around,
in a deviant glare.
It happened so fast,
like a blink of an eye,
the only thing said,
was "your not gonna die"!
He finally pulled over,
and just said goodbye,
I looked at him strangely,
and didn't reply!
In pursuit of imperfect perfection,
she slowly turned every lucky star blind,
drowning in constant chores from obsession,
unable to appease her stormy mind.
Promises ascend against perception,
nothing halts fixed rituals from spinning,
as turmoils of time twirl through aggression,
she sees the devilish mantra winning.
What is left when breathing becomes a pain?
whilst malignant fears urge for reliance,
spiky succulents perish faith in vain
frantically panicking in silence.
day bleeds into repetitive debate—
Emotive wildfires stir despair and hate.
emotive wildfires
appease her stormy mind blind
stir despair and hate
breathing becomes a pain~in the pursuit of imperfect perfection
Never so scared
Chains on my chest
Can't hear me
Help
Help
I am exposed
I will be hurt
So obvious
So vulnerable
Panicking
Shutting down
Can't shut down
Have to go onstage
Can't go onstage
Shutting down
Can't shut down
Have to go onstage
Can't go onstage
Shutting down
One hour twenty minutes left
Please help
Please help
I'm stuck
I need my binder
I left it at home
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