I cannot remember
The first book I read.
The first time I felt
Alive.
That's what it is, always has been
To me.
A story, a narrative, a journey,
More real than the hand holding the book.
I open a book,
And feel at home.
For as long as I can remember,
Interaction, daily necessities,
Have felt
Forced.
But when the page turns,
My heart flutters.
Life is hard,
To one and all.
But books are constant,
And speak to the soul.
(Written 11th September 2026)
As long as I can remember,
I have felt my mind was fundamentally different.
Unreachable.
It mirrors the terrifying abstraction of deep space -
an expanse defined by infinity.
The human brain is hardwired for boundaries;
we demand a genesis and an apocalypse,
a defined start and an ultimate end.
We instinctively recoil from the truth that something can simply exist
without precedent or terminus.
That nothing preceded the cosmic void, and nothing will succeed it.
To contemplate an existence without borders
is to stare into an abyss that refuses to be known.
My mind operates in that same silent,
unreachable forever.
“Mommy!” a daughter asked her mother…
as she sat atop her knee…
“Do you know when it was…you fell in love with me?”
“I’’m going to let you in on a little secret.” Her mom smiled
“And I swear that this is true…for as long as I can remember…
I’ve been in love with you.”
“The idea of you was always in the back of my mind…
The thought of you…alive…
and I spent a good deal of my life…waiting for you to arrive.”
“You were the wisp of a dream when I was young…
A wish, a hope…I knew one day would come true…
And I was so excited and happy…
when I found out that dream…was you.”
“So for an answer to your question…here’s the best that I can do…
As long as I can remember…there was a place in my heart…
I had reserved for you.”
“A safe, warm and comforting place
where my love for you has thrived…
And there it waited patiently for the day you would arrive”
“And though the moment I first held you in my arms
while crying joyful tears…
was the moment I first whispered ‘I love you’ in you ears.”
“With all those years of love stored up
waiting for the day our lives would intertwine…
the truth is I did not fall into your love…
you fell into mine.
I never let you go, I never even tried, I looked at you once and the whole world died.
Confided in what we call our own, yet you were the only person I had ever called home.
You were put under my story, the ink never wrote your name,
but I know anything different would never be the same.
A lover to choose, yet there’s always something to lose, I love you, still.
Perhaps it’s not the first day we met, but every time your eyes gaze mine, it’s like we have just met for the first time.
That same rush, that same skipped beat, that same fading frown, in a moment of fleet,
the movement of the heart, the hidden smiles, the distant spark, it’s all been you.
For as long as I can remember, from the unplanned meets, all the way to last November.
It’s always you, forever, I still say that even if it is prohibited we be together,
though I may need you like the moon needs the sun, I always seem to forget that you have already chose someone.
For as long as I can remember
I've kept everything buried inside
For as long as I can recall
I stood on the edge, ready to fall
In the silence of foreboding shadows
I crawled on hands and knees
I searched for a reason to breathe,
ready to tumble like Autumn leaves
But Winter passed and then came Spring
Trying to find the right lyrics to write
But ghosts from my past chased them away
I was lost in the dark without moonlight
I crashed like waves upon the shore
When restlessness took hold of me
I need to find the way to gain control
Spilling tears of the dragon is not for me
Fearless, I must become
To change what I was, and move on
To discover within myself
the courage to be reborn
Time to leave the past behind
and the turmoil that I've faced
I need to create a new state of mind
The old me is ready to be replaced
I crashed like waves upon the shore
When restlessness took hold of me
I need to find the way to gain control
Spilling tears of the dragon is not for me.
Based on lyrics of Bruce Dickinson's 'Tears of the Dragon'
Water describes a stranger while blood describes a family member
This statement has been around for as long as i can remember
When it comes to different situations why is this statement used
When the truth is when you're in need of help your family has refused
Family isn't the the blood it used to be because its been watered down
Its selfishness, lies and money bringing all families to the ground
There's constant argument and not getting along with one another
There's fighting over the inheritance of their almost dead mother
There's competing between siblings on who's better than who
What happen to sticking close together the way your mother has taught you
A proverb says friends are sticking closer than a brother
So really there is no such thing as blood being thicker than water.
For as long as I can remember, I have felt misplaced
Yearning for acceptance, but also no desire to be embraced
My biggest wish is to give all of me
To empty my heart for all to see
To feel pain and agony
I carry my heart on my sleeve
Exposed, even to those who deceive
Why do I feel so intensely?
Why do I crave misery immensely?
I know I bring happiness to some
I fear my good deeds will come undone
Never satisfied,
Always unjustified.
How long will I have to be here?
I have been here since as long as I can remember
Tried to move on
But I am trapped to
I am tied to you
Fate and destiny doesn't want me to move on
I am on a collar
You pull me back
It chocks me - I feel like I can't stand it any longer
I can't breath - I am going more under
There have been attempts
The leasehold is part of me
I am tied up in a straight jacket and I need that assistance
I am defenceless without it
Can't look after myself
I have tried it
Have the ambition but not the heart
Have the desire but not the will
I have the dream but not the reality
Can't do this much longer - feels like it's slowly killing me
A torturous death
A long death
It is slow and it is painful and everyone can see it
It wears on me - it holds me back - it tires me
Can't take this much longer
How much longer can I be here?
I come from February 17th
I’ve always been a shy kid who’s clingy
I usually ask for help
People tell me I’m loud where I shouldn’t be
I hate math
I have an ongoing fear of what someone might do to me
And I’ve been on my own for as long as I can remember
To be honest, simple things are enough
I’m not a competitive person
I’m most likely thrown into uncomfortable situations
I have this weird obsession with seahorses
I don’t know what my favorite color is
I never know how awkward I’m being until I start to laugh
I enjoy writing, gazing at the moon, and above all, listening to music
I always seem to run away before people think to push me away
I think because it’s safer than rejection
You know I wonder what I’d say about me if I saw myself
I don’t know what to say half the time
Hi, my name is Savannah
I’m not so good at introducing myself
I like to swim, a lot
And I seem to drown in my puzzling woe all the time
Yesterday I saw a leaf or two fall to the ground Today while walking I heard a crunching sound
Looking up I saw some leaves had turned yellow The middle of August and temperatures are mellow
I'm getting so excited because it's almost September I've been this way about fall as long as I can remember Tomorrow I'll go shopping for apples and sweet cider The store clerk laughs and couldn't be more snider
Apples I got plenty, but aren't you rushing the fall season
Summer's not even over yet so what is your reason So I tell him, not feeling the slightest bit of shame September is my favorite month and the trees feel the same
Author Eileen Clark 2023
For as long as I can remember
I've never looked ahead,
I've always walked with my head down
so I could place every step,
I've often been too cautious
to keep up in the race,
and though I fell behind
I've never fallen out of place,
I've never held on to anything when I sensed any doubt
and I've never let go of anything I couldn't live without,
I've never shown a smile I thought could be turned to a frown
and I've never stood up when I could've been knocked down,
I've never given up my heart without the exchange of another
and I'll never love care-free without the same from the other,
Because I've always been too afraid to fall for all I had to lose
I've always been too afraid to fall, except in love with you
For as long as I can remember
I played the peacemaker role
Depend on me as the glue guy
As I try to keep things in control
Don't worry I won't rock the boat
Will keep things safe and stable
Neatly buttoned up at all times
Sure let's just go with that fable
Was always wrapping up my worth
In fixing other people's problems
A well devised distraction tactic
To avoid my issues and not solve them
Been shifting the narrative lately
Starting to shine my light internally
Surprised how much was unprocessed
What a relief to delve into discovery
Now it’s time to make a decision
Where will my energy get directed
Continue to subvert what I require
Or step up to my needs that I neglected
Doesn’t mean I cast others aside
Actually the opposite was proved
When I fill up my own cup first
I'm still the glue guy, just new and improved
I never knew growing together could bond us for life
For as long as I can remember you were my life
When everyone wanted to push me down you picked me up
No matter how long we go without words it's like time is non existent
I cannot count the number of times I thought about you
I began to think you forgot about me
Everyone does at some point
The battles of spelling tests to school bullies to being torn from eachother
We fought together and I hope we always will
I believe I loved you and for all I know I still do but I need time to learn to love another
We have the history of course and I know that you're probably the one
We walked down the isle once as kids
Perhaps one day it'll happen again but when we're older
Just like our mothers hoped
Every birthday and trauma, you were there but now I need to make new memories and keep you as a friend
I still tell you more than I tell even my friends closest to me
Because low and behold I can't and won't stop loving you
You are my bestfriend and I never want to be apart
But until I find out if I'm loved in return by someone new
I cannot go back to you
For as long as I can remember
You have always been in my heart
Even when we were miles apart
We never really lost that spark,
From the good times
Through the bad,
It was always the warmth of your
Loving embrace
That I wished I always had.
Seven whole years I spent
Dreaming and wishing
Even though I was with someone else
I wished it was you instead of her,
Looking at your beautiful angelic face,
That’s what I would say was always
My happy place.
About the only thing I can say
At this very moment
Is that I am so sorry I didn’t have the
Courage to come back home,
It took me seven years
To be able to face my fear
And now here I am
Finally after all of these years
Home with you.
My Angel
You are the spark that ignited my fire
The twinkle in my eye
And the warmth of my soul
With this
No matter how rough life may get
I shall never again leave you
For I am with you to the end of time
And it is with that,
Where I belong is exactly
Where I am at.
Energy neither is or isn't.
Yet we rarely seek its answer.
Thoughts washed against tide;
dirty minds come clean.
We're free as mist
but sink as cement
contemplating
the back and forth
of God's word
and the formulation
of our will.
So many similarities
between spirituality
and religious preambles
We never constitute
deeper meanings
like black skin mingled
with white friends.
It's amazing
how scared we are
for love to touch.
We say so much
when it's never enough.
Going back in time
urging our stunted selves
to grow up but remain
so infantile now.
Sometimes I wish
change was as simple as
fulfilling what if's.
More than caramel
textured kisses
rendered at reveille.
Or moon siphoning
melanin from our
psychedelic entanglements
You and I combined
with shades of grey
because with you
So many colors
compliment your
spectacular array.
I've thought about this
for as long as I can remember.
The only answer
I've come to accept is,
nothing is ever as simple
as seeing you smile.
The slightest curvature of your lips
has my soul
mouthing "wow"
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