Long Gassy Poems

Increase In Head Size

impossible mission to encapsulate notion 
flitting hither and yon, to and fro
within cranium attached to mine body,
whereby irrefutable proof prevails
predicated when yours truly
scrutinizes other people visibly aware,
I a modest married male 
blessed,...

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Bank rolled by billionaires

No matter Tuesday, November 5, 2024
still one hundred and eight days away,
(thank you Julian Date Calendar -
FOR LEAP YEARS ONLY),
I believe a foregone conclusion
that Donald Trump will win
based on the pathetic debate...

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Limricks prompted by a comment made by someone today

It's a fact, and no longer just a rumor
Some soup people barf at toilet humor
Have you sniffed your own butt 
It stinks so keep it shut
Pessimism must...

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Human Sack Gruff Ice Agonizingly Glommed...
Murderously Skewered, And Torturously Zapped

Directv linkedin to accentuate
piddly money crisis, tis zen uneasy fate,
I imagine dragons gyrate
ting, and licking chops, faux masticate
ting, no matter I didst pre
   ...

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From 2010. Narrator is Robert Gibbs, snooty White House Press Secretary.

Lay, O Lord, a curse on press men, rude and churlish, sad, obsessed men 
Who persist to query me on matters they know I must...

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Alice
Alice was just going on eight years old
When Lewis Carroll made her fall down a hole.
The incredible place she imagined she'd found,
Buried in her backyard so far deep underground,
Teemed with people and creatures with fabulous...

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On the first day of Christmas Ziggy gave to me 
a wet nose on my cheek

On the second day of Christmas Ziggy gave to me
Two paws for shaking and 
a wet nose on my cheek

On...

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While dining out, in old Chi town
just David and the Mrs Brown
peruse the menu, ask what's special
the waiter says our turkey pretzel

The Mrs makes an awful face
but Mr says he'd love to taste
how could a...

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What the Butler Heard
Extract from a memoir

Lord Illustrious Penge of Lampwicker Hall,
Welcomed local Toffs, to his Name-Dropper ball.
Noses upturned with a touch of conceit,
Hob-Knobbing with gentry and gentleman elite.
Colonel recalled, his luncheon with Churchill,
Discussing backbenchers...

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Original poem posted Aug. 3, 2021 for Charles Messina's Contest: 
When I Let One Loose in the Elevator
(for those who do not know, SBD means "Silent But Deadly")

When I let one loose in the elevator,
so...

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Contact with Extra-Terrestrials?

By Elton Camp

Our galaxy is an enormous place
Extends into the depths of space
Even a “nearby” star is so far
Trip there physics does bebar

Even at light’s amazing speed
Full four years we would need
Spaceship can...

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Visual 1

Earth does ballet to stay in shape
dancing before the rubbernecking moon
that chases us around the sun
making waves in oceans like our emotions
            ...

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My garden backs onto a farm
Which shouldn’t cause any alarm
With so much fresh air
I’m glad I live there 
And only one thing spoils its charm

I feed the birds and feral cats
At night I enjoy watching...

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Are you listening? Open your ears
For this is to be read aloud it needs your voice 
Because it can not speak on its own...
This is a poem that I'll call a slam

One day I was...

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The mean old housecat has bulgy eyes
when she looks at us in our fish bowl
Oh, how much we've come to despise
that big mouth of hers, the black hole

Poised to pounce with sharpened claws
She's taking jabs...

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PLUTO

The name conjures up a lot
Dopey Disney dog extra to the plot
Forgotten one-time planet of the night
Not a Jupiter giant, gassy bright,
I’m just a small rocky ball
Nowhere near the sun at all
Cold enough to freeze...

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That's not my elephant hiding behind the tree.
Okay, so what if I brought him to our party.
Don't worry I'll make sure he stays in these rooms.
Oh man whats that smell?  I think he's letting...

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The mean old housecat has bulgy eyes
when she looks at us in our fish bowl
Oh, how much we've come to despise
that big mouth of hers, the black hole

Poised to pounce with sharpened claws
She's taking jabs...

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Small and mighty,little and proud
One of the weeniest doggies around
but don't let size fool you, you're in for a treat
I am one of the bravest and loyalest you'll meet

The comical clown who just loves to...

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I bubble and I gurgle,
I’m tangy and I’m tasty.
Unless you stop drinking me,
Because if you do that, you really won’t be able to stand my taste later.
 
Believe me, I do not care.
I don’t need...

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There is no way I would buy beer,
none of the brands that are brewed here.
How can you drink any of this?
American beer, bottled piss.

I’ll list any domestic brand
It’s so easy to understand
It’s gassy, yellow, and...

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My pug Shelby

My bossy little diva
So much personality 
In such a little dog
Always up for cuddles
Ate everything in sight
Didn’t necessarily have to be food either
Answered to many names
But mostly to Chubbers
Loved to sing
Protected me from...

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Travelling through the outback 
with a tour group, 
my stomach started rumblin' 
I had to go poop. 

I ran underneath 
a eucalyptus tree, 
but a dang dingo 
kept following me. 

I had to go 
really...

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Fork fell in love on a tablecloth in the middle of winter
Beef and noodles were being served, but he barely noticed
A gorgeous newcomer was on the table, pink and fabulous.
That cannot be a rose! He...

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The Himalaya’s melting.
What’s happening to the Earth?
Have we got time to celebrate 
An ancient baby’s birth?

The sea-birds have stopped breeding.
The Gulf stream’s running cold.
The deserts are expanding, 
While more SUVs are sold.

The 747s are pumping
Their...

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