Laxatives Poems | Examples

Stuck in My Gut - Gross Limericks

My boyfriend was agitated
Because I was constipated
We'd be late for the game
Of course I was to blame
My butt hole's not dialated

On and on he whined and waited
Use of laxatives, debated
In my gut it was stuck
I could smell it... oh yuck
Boyfriend getting more frustrated

I could hear the game on the phone
I said, "Go. Just leave me alone!"
But he didn't hear me
His team was up by three
Stomach hurt, I let out a moan

Half hour later, he was snoring
I guess the game must be boring
I still sat on the can
Cursing my boyfriend, Dan
Who was no longer adoring.

After being lubricated
I sighed at being elated
Although my butt was sore
I had to poop no more
My bowels had been vacated

I found Dan's note and shook my head
"I had to poop, so went home instead
of waiting for you, Sue.
After this, we are through!"
That's exactly what his note said.

I felt relief, more ways than one
Happy that Dan and I were done
Now I can be alone
When sitting on my throne
No one shouting, "Hurry up, Hun!!"

Laughter

Her limericks posted on Soup
are full of the merits of poop,
of farts and of pee,
of laxatives' glee,
and hard ons - or those with a droop!

For my hilarious friend Jan Allison

Sweet Lullaby

From one scorned woman to another,
no need to ponder, here's an idea.
When he comes back home by 'noon,
prepare his favourite scrumptious food.
Mix the laxatives with sleeping pills boo,
and sip that wine from across the room. 

27 July 2022
'Bite Size Poem no.50' Poetry Contest 
Sponsored by Line Gauthier

Coming Down Slowly

coming down slowly
stop light welcome mat
negativity has no laxatives
minus sign forever constipated
wanna pick you up by making you get down
got some 40s rhythm and blues for you to vibe to
the pending divorce has you wanting to pull out your hair
poetic lefty to the rescue

coming down slowly
yellow light reluctant function
following the light to pure goodness
revived and revitalized thanks to a full eight hours of good sleep
wanna pick you up by making you get down
got some 70s gospel funk for you to get your praise on to with a kick
the longer than expected schooling for you banging your head against the wall
poetic lefty to the rescue

relax your wearied mind
allow me to reintroduce you to that unique smile of yours
i got the caesar salad prepared for you with the bleu cheese dressing that you cravy
i hooked you up with the ice cold bottled water as well
wanna pick you up by making you get down
you tell me to put on some nancy wilson
i catch your drift and the Sweet Spirit Queen's request

Florida Man 3

A Florida man bought a stool.
The seat? A bit hard on the jewels…
Now he takes pills to soften,
and he sits there less often;
this Florida man is no fool!


----------

Actual headline: "Florida Man Thought He Stole Opioids, Got Laxatives Instead"
Obviously, a stretch here... :-)

Oops

The laxatives were mighty strong;
she thought she'd fart, but she was wrong...


for L Milton's contest

Dirty Tricks

Hey you! 
Yeah, you. 
Know what I plan to do?  
I’ll spread Vaseline all over your windshield 
And Krazy Glue your wipers in place.  
I’ll insert sewing needles, point up, 
Into your driver’s seat cushion.   
I’ll put dog poop in your air vents 
And a dead fish in the bottom of your glove box.  
I'll write your cell phone number and email address 
On restroom walls at truck stops and sleazy taverns.  
I’ll scatter thumbtacks on the shag carpet 
On your side of the bed and spit curses into your pillow case.  
I’ll fill your shoes with menthol shaving gel.  
I’ll smear anchovy paste on the crotch of all of your panties 
and put them neatly back in your drawer.  
I’ll mix pubic hairs in with your tuna salad, 
Dissolve laxatives and sleeping pills in your split pea soup, 
Replace your mouthwash with Windex, 
Scratch my anus with your toothbrush, 
Piss in your bottle of scotch and then...  
And then I’ll start to get nasty.  
Trust me. 
I’m just getting warmed up.  
Have another scotch.

Insouciance

Diuretics and laxatives have been purging dysmorphic creatures

As they stage their grim delusion for glamour with anorexic features

They call it passion for fashion and yet walk in emperor’s clothes

Nearly naked and some in lines adorned from cocaine shred noses


Present fake breasts bum implants shrivelled Egos and botoxed faces

Like stick insect role models they struggle to portray any humanoid traces

The melt from the spotlight yet the crowd revels in mere bones and skin

A designer declares that ‘with those costumes you’ll look just as thin’


And so audiences worldwide dream of false beauty and are committed

To believe that without external appearances love won’t be requited

They purchase like sheep to the slaughter and starve for undying looks

And fail to notice the mercurial charade of the industry’s criminal crooks

05th November 2019

Candy Snatcher

You thought you were being so clever Bobby
Sneaking my Halloween stash while I was asleep 
But I heard you quietly rattling my candies 
Being so entranced,  you did not see me peep

After last years stealing,  I devised a  clever plan 
For sure the final time of my treats, you will be a fan
If you would have asked, I would have given you some
Now your in a pickle, and feeling really dumb 

Bro, I injected laxatives in that full size chocolate bar
That I am sure you hungeredly and enjoyably ate
Do not worry I will inform all  of your buddies
Of your absence from school or uncomfortable late

~ Oct 29, 2019
For contest ~ Image I was your brother

No Need For Dulcolax

Head for the washroom about a thousand time a year
About average I assume never need laxatives for my rear
In fact, sometimes run
A minute later I'm done  
Whew! My face is beaming from rear to ear

My Colonoscopy

Not sure if this would be consider taboo
To even mention the view
Did I just hear her say the word touche 
When the doctor proceeded to do what she had to do

With stage crew and camara in hand
Filming what little dignity I have left
Are the tapes rolling, I may need consoling 
When this crazy trip finds somewhere to land

Do I even need to mention the day before
Pills and laxatives by the score
To clean out my innards must be least 10 pounds thinner
Need I say anything anymore

Back to the uncomfortable crowd
You can hear a pin drop at the sound
For them it's routine, for me a dastardly deed 
Could someone please send in the clowns

Adding a touch of savoir faire 
Excuse me, is there enough room in there
If things get a bit tight make sure the pliers are sanitize
Anyone up for a game of truth or dare

Doesn't get anymore personal than this
Best friends now without even a kiss
Operation at 7 film at 11
To be viewed YouTube via Internet


#sayitisntso #didhejustgothere #doyouhavenodignity


Just had my Colonoscopy this morning...nothing like a good follow up poem!

A New Species

A long those dark, dank corridors underneath the earth, an anomaly is growing.

N ebulous in it's beginnings, an as yet unknown species prepares to arise
E longated in it's skeletal structure, slight and slender, they slither about
W ily in nature, these unique elusive creatures are prone to evade the light.

S linking about at night with iridescent, bold bright eyes, they warily
P eek and peer at people, pacing about in dark, dreary alleyways
E xamining interactions, obsessed in their observations, in order to
C onnect and draw upon human energy, like sophisticated sponges.
I ntent on leeching the life force out of human beings, these humanoids wish to
E merge and spike world leaders' drinks with explosive laxatives, thus
S triking and stalling them on their "thrones", subsequently taking over our world!






Written on 2/23/2016

Theme of the Pyramid Scheme

Creationist scientists who dig
with astro-paleontologists
As they seek the bones
Of australepithecus

Foretold in the Book of Leviticus
& the Dead Sea Scrolls
Sounded by the deadly tolls
From the bells

Harbored in the Vatican,
Those who mistake the accidents
For the sake of unholy laxatives
To be forced in controlling the pacifists

10% of your income,
& then some
The cross holds one
For ransom

It doesn't matter if your
Beautiful or handsome
Since, the endless chasms
Flood like restless cytoplasm

Induced by the
Phantom's iconoclasm
As the masses reduce
To being merely a bantam

Docile & trite,
This isn't right

What's done in the dark,
Must be brought to the light

Stand up, & fight
For the right,
Rise with all our might
& working through the nights

New World Order plights
Will never bring a fright

Fear no evil,
See no evil,
Speak no evil

They're all just weasels
Being painted on the easel

With the colors of greed & lust
Nobody to trust
But, yourself
As one must

In order to be just
With one & all
& all in one

Gumwrinkle

Detrimentally captive,
 wrapped in tinsel, hung from the beams and force fed laxatives, 
the obscene dream of relapsin, 
relinquished orgasmic compatriots glancing over their shoulders at the advancing boulders 
as the romance smoulders. 
They told her and told her it's over it's over but she chose her one leaf clover overture 
and smiles at her teeth in the glass 
sings unknown soldier and reflects on when she was told he adores her.

Running Taxes

Many returns are sent by faxes
Declaring our earnings for taxes
When they don't work it out
Please give me a shout
Next time I'll send them some laxatives

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