Dirty Tricks

Hey you! Yeah, you. Know what I plan to do? I’ll spread Vaseline all over your windshield And Krazy Glue your wipers in place. I’ll insert sewing needles, point up, Into your driver’s seat cushion. I’ll put dog poop in your air vents And a dead fish in the bottom of your glove box. I'll write your cell phone number and email address On restroom walls at truck stops and sleazy taverns. I’ll scatter thumbtacks on the shag carpet On your side of the bed and spit curses into your pillow case. I’ll fill your shoes with menthol shaving gel. I’ll smear anchovy paste on the crotch of all of your panties and put them neatly back in your drawer. I’ll mix pubic hairs in with your tuna salad, Dissolve laxatives and sleeping pills in your split pea soup, Replace your mouthwash with Windex, Scratch my anus with your toothbrush, Piss in your bottle of scotch and then... And then I’ll start to get nasty. Trust me. I’m just getting warmed up. Have another scotch.