Best Unstuck Poems
My auntie wears 'Bridget Jones' knickers
But last week at tea at the vicars
She’d purloined MY lace thong
It was morally wrong
T’was the cause of very loud snickers
My thong’s wedged between her butt crack
Stuck firmly between front and back
But it’s not a surprise
As it’s not in her size
There’s no room to cut any slack
Aunt waddles around like a duck
Like a chicken she begins to cluck
‘Yes I took her G-string
Get me out of this thing’
Stop gawping, help me get unstuck
The Vicar say’s I’ll get my pliers
On reflection it’s what this requires
The vicar doesn’t shirk
As he gets down to work
But after an hour he tires
My auntie’s visage is not pale
(Her embarrassment is off the scale)
When my G string gets cut
It pings clean off her butt
It’s a shame she’s the tush of a whale!
For a ‘sweet’ friend BB xx
07/22/21
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
Why is it when you go out of your way
To help someone brighten their day
Or solve a problem that has things in disarray
They want to play you as if to say
You owe them in some superficial way
Putting on some kind of poor me display
Overshadowing the kindness you portray
Some are not able to see the good deed
That some people give so freely
They do it because they are able to see
What a difference this would be
For them to help make your day stay in play
Some people lack the ability to foresee
People go out of their way, not for praise
Or to be a standout who wants you to obey
Not to create a cushion for some far off distant day
We do it because we care
When we see someone in dispare
Or life seems to be unfair
When someone is down on their luck
Because everything has run a muck
Feeling like lightning has struck
Then being able to help someone become unstuck
It's just good karma that is our choice to send their way
It doesn't require money
Or a promise you will make it right someday
It simply requires a sincere thank you
A genuine reply without asking why
Understanding that everyone
Has not just left you standing
When your day became way to demanding
Knowing someone went out of their way
To keep your day underway
It's not how we repay the kindness
But rather how we display
All the goodwill that came into play
To help make it through your day
I've reached beyond the age of RPM records
youthful addiction
My forty-fives tilt in a corner of the basement,
leaning tower of teenage angst,
Wrapped now in decades of neglect.
Why can't I dispose of you?
Clutter crime of nostalgia's pull
This craving for rock 'n roll renegades,
singers of weed-garden life
punishers of social rules
Ageless idols of grainy texture
in fraying fabrics, tie dyed
So many odes to love, longing, anger
Snippets of R n' R once bleeding from open windows,
like wanderers dancing in darkness
Charged rhythm once labelled
force of evil,
Musical clout like tattered boxing gloves
Limitless bliss to unstuck youth
Something to stagger to,
life's nimble recollection,
a secret world
of cherished entry
Implacable lyrics
that preserve themselves
in all that spins
(Poem revised July 2020 with 2 new stanzas added, along with a title change.)
When time passed by
I did not cry for chances wasted.
The opportunity was lost - It's reality.
There is no point in missing pleasures never tasted .
The chance is gone
I'll just move on - So let it be.
( Chorus )
And in the end we need a friend to draw life's curtain.
Someone to share that morning star and evening prayer.
I always knew that in the queue of what was certain.
I'd look around
And always found that you were there .
When Lady Luck
Became unstuck with cards she'd deal me.
I made the best of every hand she threw my way.
And when that thief of life would come and try to steal me.
Your lifting word
Was what I heard to make my day.
Repeat Chorus ..
Entry for Rob Carmack's Song 1 Contest ..
The theme being - Never back down - Be positive and drive on .
From my younger days as a prisoner of war,
to my last days on the planet Tralfamadore,
with my traveling through time, I have no control.
Both good and bad episodes have taken their toll.
I am passing through time as easily as air.
In one moment, I’m here, and another, I’m there.
Please tell me, why am I being tortured like this?
My capture, plane crash, and wife’s death I reminisce.
I live through the bombing of a German city.
My wife dies while she is on her way to meet me.
On another world, I’m in a menagerie.
A beautiful, but dumb, woman is matched with me.
We live and love together. She has my baby.
I’m killed by my adversary, Paul Lazzaro.
The cause of my problem is what I want to know.
The dilemma I’m in has been causing me strife.
I would give anything to live a normal life.
Based on the novel "Slaughterhouse Five" by the late Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Finally my life's now unstuck
A blind date, stroke of luck
For tomorrow I'll greet
She stays just down the street
The courage I'll just have to pluck
It's the morning of my blind date
In a way I just can't wait
Into town I shall go
And go with life's flow
Lets hope it all turns out great
The evening starts out real well
Her shapes make my eyes surely tell
She's so buxom and pert
Makes this man so alert
More than my heart starts to swell
On the couch I move in for a kiss
Full hands I'm so much in bliss
My luck turns to yuck
Her teeth out, now she sucks
A blind date I would never have wished
http://www.thehighlanderspoems.com/humour-7.php
Blowing a Kiss
When irksome day, off tangles, comes unstuck
As the sun, behind a blushing sea, ducks
Thoughts of you I sorely miss
Pep me up to blow this kiss
To find you stooping , a red rose, to pluck.
S.Jagathsimhan Nair
For: PD's 'Any rose' Contest
4th Aug 12
The ten fat mice
ate loads of rice,
with lots of spice
but then needed water with ice!
There was a snail
who lived in a green pail.
One day he got pricked by a nail
and that was the end of his tail!
Did you hear of the beautiful rat
Who sat boldly beside the cat.
Had a nice long chat
But then suddenly had her flat!
There was a silly old pig
who ate plant, tree and twig.
She loved to wear a jazzy wig
And for bones she would dig.
The lazy golden duck
Got stuck in the muck
But the kind goose turned his luck
And helped him out of it, unstuck!
The funny little red bug
Drank beer from the jug
And danced all over the mug,
Ended up giving his mom, a huge hug!
The smart silver seal
Didn't ever miss a meal
Of oranges and banana peel
And loved to balance on the wheel!
The two friends, dog and frog,
Would often go for a jog,
Chat and relax on the log,
Until they were chased by a stinky hog!
The beautiful little black fish
Would often twirl and swish.
To be a mermaid was her wish,
Alas she ended up as food in the man's dish.
The determined fawn
Worked from dusk to dawn.
Sat to sing to her friend the prawn,
Now she's sleepy and gives a big yawn!
The wonderful quail
Always delivered the mail
Be it snow or hail
As good as our email!
The white snake
Ate a white cake
Full of snow flake
and slept on the white rake!
You must know the stupid ant
Who climbed the dangerous plant.
Sat there in a prayer and chant,
Frightened she wet her long pant!
The super silly cock
Sat on the dock
To sing to the geese flock,
but ended up being a laughing stock!
There was a goat
who had a bloat
by eating the fox on the boat
But then she couldn't float!
The wolf pack
Had a sack
Full of ducks that quack.
Not for long, when came the panther black!
The sharp and clever spider
Drank all of his cider
Before he climbed into his glider
To become the fastest rider!
There was this sloth
That loved the brown moth.
They took a vow and oath
Got married they both!!
The drunk swine
Had tons of wine
But then fell on the porcupine
To prick and break his spine!
The black and white sheep
took a long leap
Over Mars in a jeep
But on the way they fell asleep!
Limerick: Once a mincing Mrs. from Mississippi
Once a mincing Mrs. from Mississippi*
Went to a bank for a fiddle-d-dee
But her girdle got stuck
And the “SS” came unstuck
That’s why Missis ends as a double P..
*No aspersions cast on Mississippians here;
the term refers to the Paleozoic era in North America,
following the Devonian and preceding the Pennsylvanian,
of course.
© T. Wignesan - Paris, 2013
In the 80's I lived in Anchorage Alaska. You could go anywhere and catch salmon till your arms fell off. I would drive for hours to fish in completely desolate (of people) lakes. There were several lakes that were so clear you could see the trout swimming two hundred feet down (they were 8 to 28 inches long) you could see the bottom of every lake just by peering over the edge of the boat. After several years of catching these trout that were as long as your arm, I checked the map for new and more challenging lakes. I found a lake Southwest of Wasilla that had "fingers" cut into one side of it. Each one was 50 by 2,000 foot long, obviously man made. I didn't bring my boat and planed to fish these "fingers" from the bank.
I had snapped my Fly pole running through the trees and was tired from all the the frantic running. I rigged up my Casting pole and walked out to where the water was just above my knees, between two trees 20 feet apart. 15 min went by and I figured I better change lure. My right foot had sunk past my ankle in the silt and I pulled hard to get unstuck. My left foot sunk deeper. I had been in this situation before and kept working to get at least one foot unstuck.
Almost an hour went by and the water was to my waist, I had mud to my calves and the waders were like a second skin. I couldn't move, I tried everything. By now the water was up to my armpits. I saw my cooler float by and then my tackle box (and needless to say, my life too) That's when I started yelling help. There was no body on these lakes and I knew it. I went under water and tried to dig my legs free, only to run out of air! I came up yelling help. I yelled only to hear my echos of help, I had a wife and two daughters to live for. I was done.
That's when I heard a calm voice say "catch this knife" I looked over and it was an old man in his 80's. I told him I was stuck real bad- he said, "I know, cut em off" and tossed me a knife- It was a perfect ten foot toss and I caught it! I went under water and sliced my waders from the hip to the thigh (240 bucks worth)- when I came up again he was reaching out his walking stick to pull me out. It was 5 feet too short. I yelled at him to come closer, "just grab hold of the tree branch there and I could reach it" He shook his head and said again "cut em off" and then he walked away behind the trees.
gluteus maximus left and right half moon cheek
re: byte size buttock
attached via usb (uniform firm behind) to this freak
with bowel movement incontinence + gas filled gut
evoking contortionist frown stretching to lowest peak
perched upon porcelain goddess where elimination did jut
held captive hostage atop toilet seat for many a week
exertion to expel rock solid turd required utmost effort
to force jammed bowel movement free
inducing excruciating abdominal cramps that really hurt
plus sharp jabbing spasms within high knee
innards rent asunder from obstruction as BB size PELLETS did spurt
from lodged fecal matter refusing to budge from me
caused by severe constipation whereby prayer a waste
delivered only increased sphincter muscle to scream
for rectal relief this mortal man faced
a worse fate than death, he would deem
since demise would allow alimentary misery to cease
versus remaining in this impasse for what might be years
unless perchance some **** lubricant or special grease
would bust loose abominable constriction in arrears
finding me unable to pay rent or renew lease
best prospect of remaining stationary with words to wax
poetic found a glimmer of luck
when a kind wildebeest delivered this message via fax
to help attend male in dire per situation get poop unstuck
with outsize mug of exlax
to help unclog rectal muck
access to get expunged to the max
but once expulsion occurs DO DO PLEASE DUCK!
There was a young man from Nantucket
who git his stuck in a bucket.
When he couldn't get free
he said oh deary me
I wonder how I can ow unstuck it.
I made a small declutter vow
To get myself unstuck
That every day I’ll toss one thing
And so far, I’m in luck.
My travel guides from years ago
To places I have been
Were easy things for me to trash,
A good place to begin.
Some macramé for hanging plants,
A box of potpourri
And dinnerware with chips or cracks
Were thrown away by me.
Of course, I’m near the very tip
(The iceberg’s down below),
But every day I’ll chip away
And find one thing to throw.
For sentimental fools like me
This takes a lot of thought.
Too bad the empty space will fill
With new stuff I have bought!
A man drives a truck and his wife's a nurse
He knows it won't be long 'til he's in that hearse
He's middle age now but he's pickin' up speed
He wonders when and how will he be freed
Thinks he's lived his life playin' by the rules
Doin' what he learned in his churches and schools
Pays his mortgage and feeds his kids
But he's feelin' lately things have hit the skids
Lost his insurance and his wife moved out
Stepdaughter tried to kill herself
Chronic back pain and now he can't pay
For meds he needs to get through his day
Feels like his world has gone insane
Looks around for who to blame
Maybe it's the blacks or the Mexicans
Maybe it's Wall Street or the corporations
He knows in his heart that it 'aint them
They're all tryin' to make it just like him
He can't shake the thought of a bad faith deal
But hate don't seem to him the way to feel
He tries to think of how to get unstuck
Get back to where he could give a (EDIT)
So he sits on his porch and smokes a little weed
And wonders when and how will he be freed
March 4, 2017