Best Toot Poems
Rooty Toot Toot, two men in a boot
Bobbing along on the waves
One was old with long silvery hair
Renowned for being quite brave
The other had pimple on the tip of his nose
He was cross-eyed and cranky at best
“That's an omen!” the old man told him
“Squeeze it, and you'll surely be blessed”
As he squeezed it a humongous zit popped out
Flying through the air it transformed
To a beautiful maiden with wings of silver
And a sweet tender smile so warm
The maiden decreed, “You both have a wish
But your wish you must never reveal
Make someone happy beyond their dreams”
They took on the task with much zeal
The pimple guy had a marvellous plan
Knew Rachel the young girl next door
Was always wearing the same shabby clothes
Decided she needed the wish much more
As for the old man, he'd had a good life
So he also wouldn't keep it for himself
Thought he would help out this needy family
Blessed them and wished them good health
So the silvery haired man and the pimple guy
Were rewarded for their unselfish act
Nevermore would they want for a thing in life
Absolutely nothing that they would lack!
Rooty Toot Toot, two men in a boot
Bobbing along on the foam
The pimple guy and the silvery haired man
Are heroes wherever they roam!
© Jack Ellison 2012
Can't believe I'm penning this mess,
but I must address the gifted poetess,
Jan Allison has a degree from the
distinguished Poot-Toot University,
she has a PhD in Fartology.
An expert she is,
and, gee whiz,
anyone who writes of farts
so funnily,
is the "Queen of Flatulence,"
a PoetrySoup decree!
And yes, I know some are offended
by potty humor,
but we need comic relief in
the literary til we laugh ourselves
into a stupor,
as this world has much strife,
even if it's gaseous,
laughter heals life. ~
Twang toot Fing Foo
Jingle jingle rattle boo
Tiger Tiger splash, squish
Skycrapper’s crashing swish
Wretched retches snorting snuck
Timtimbuctoo’s belching buck
Whoosh whoosh Winnie Treetree murmur
Croaking frogie's hiss hiss charmer
Punipuni giggles growling grunt
Oink oink words' trilling witchhunt
Toot, Whistle, Bang, Harrumph
Short days turn into weeks
months melding into years
ever endless changes
the numbers and the fears
new things growing older
wisdom’s elders cast aside
for aging is the future
youth cannot abide.
John G. Lawless
12/29/2015
I walked deep into the wilderness
In hopes to get my find
I was looking for some solitude
And a little peace of mind
Then I came across a silhouette
Of an owl in the moon
Right then and there I knew that I
Would find my peace real soon
I took out my harmonica
And I played it through the night
I played some chords that echoed loud
Until they sounded right
Then I danced around in circles
To a hymn called "Tittle a Toot"
And I played that hymn all night long
Till I heard that owl hoot
The night was getting late
And I was felling bold
Mist had made its way around
And I was getting cold
So, I walked around the wilderness
To try to warm my bones
Then I built myself a firepit
And warmed my hands around the stones
5:00am had crept up fast
I was still having fun
The chilly morn had heated up
When I saw the rising sun
Then I looked into that silhouette
And that owl in disguise
Then I started playing my harmonica again
When I saw it blink its eyes
Then I danced around in circles
To that hymn called "Tittle a Toot"
And I played it loud all morning long
Till I heard that owl hoot
There once was a little Jack Russell
who was as sweet as she was cute
and went by the nicname of hoot.
Now in the evening the
family would gather
to spend family time together.
Everyone including Hoot was there.
Me on the couch
the kids on the floor
and dad in his favorite chair.
As we sat there a smell most foul
quickly filled the air.
It seems our sweet little hoot
had let loose with a toot
and now we are all fighting for air.
Little Jack Marty
He was a smarty
Sitting in his second grade online class
He developed an urge to pass some gas
When it came out of Little Marty’s shell
It had that pumping smell
Hearing the tiger roar as it ripped out the young boy’s door
Watching his computer screen he saw Abigail studying to be a teen Queen
Crossing the street
The smell did travel tangy and sweet
It went under the door without a word
Stairs it crept
Past the room where last night Abigail slept
As the aroma approached
Little Jack Marty watched Abigail and said, “She is toast”
Taking a whiff Abigail straightened up very stiff
Her eyes bulged and face turned green with a tinge of white
Due to the smell that was airy and light
Typing away Little Jack Marty did say,
“You have been visited by the toot toot fairy”
In which she replied, “Oh you are so scary”
“Little Jack Marty did you cut the cheese?”
“I am alone in my room and I do as I please.”
He typed back about the environmental attack
Suddenly the teacher popped on the screen looking stern and mean
“What are you two doing anything to do with schooling?”
The teacher did ask with no need for a cut the cheese mask.
Looking into the camera Little Jack Marty said that he was sorry,
“Yes, I cut the cheese then disturbed the peace, I will now be quiet and will not start a panic riot, carry on with the online class while I hold my gas.”
Smiling the teacher was impressed
When Little Jack Marty confessed
About his too tee
That was a beauty
I am as toot
As toot as can be
I saw you put that word in there
I saw you take one out
I called the word police
You won't do that again
God's zombies just formed an hit squad
For poets whose work is slipshod
"If people don't die
Then angels can't fly!"
If "truth" is proof, my thoughts are flawed!
TOOT SUITE
Alas, as hunters treed their prey
envisioning the feast
gravied meal at end of day
sopped up in breaded yeast.
An ill wind blew
and no one knew
from where it emanated
As sugar in the innards boils
and then - a little toot uncoils
Tom Trumpeteer has the rhythm in his ear
I wonder, can you guess what’s protruding from his rear
It looks just like a trumpet and when he’s eaten beans
He toots a toot with every step, at least that’s how it seems
He went to the ballroom, the orchestra were late
Someone asked the kitchen staff for baked beans on a plate
He ate them up and then he started dancing with his date
His dance was pretty awful but the tune he played was great
2 October 2021
For May the Gas be with you farts part 2 contest
Sponsor: Chantelle Anne Cooke
Young Chuckie has only one vice
He does it each day, sometimes twice
While Mum eyes with scorn
Chuck toots his own horn
He’ll toot your horn too for a price
December 26, 2018
For Tania’s “Bawdy Humor” contest.
There was this entrée; they called it bean soup
My pet tasted some, then let out a whoop --
Doggone it, I exhaled
As Fido wagged his tail --
While I removed all his stench from the stoop...
When a baby's born, we toot the horn
When from this Earth we pass, we play taps
In between, horns herald Kings and Queens
The onset of war, an ambulance or fire machine
Yet the grandest event at which trumpets sounded
A historical nonpareil, which once majestically resounded
Lies in tatters today -- abashed -- ashamed and ridiculed
The Ten Commandments trivia questions, their genius overruled
Shouts of 'Liberty!' 'Equality!' 'Technology!' blasts of dystrophy and death
Unbridled Anarchy blares her grim tidings ~ Divine Providence's last breaths
If you look for
ugly
You'll See it
If you stare
too long
You'll be it
When we
Speak without thinking
to tickle the ear
There is something
to ponder
So as to see clear
When we talk
Just
to disrepute
A manslayer
We become
Killing a reputation
It is mean spirited fun
Just imagine should
The tables turn
And you be the one on the block
being happily sliced and
Diced about
After throwing the very first rock
Being righteous over much
doesn't aid
One righteous to be
Remember but for
The grace of God
goes walking you and me
now my old house
Ain't made of glass
But I'll try to keep this in mind
When slinging,and flinging
around words that I
Choose the ones that are kind