Best Redneck Poems
A REDNECK LOVE POEM
Susie Lee done fell in love,
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.
Pappy told her, Susie Gal,
You'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon yore ma don't know,
But Joe is yore half brother.
So Susie put aside her Joe,
And planned to marry Will;
But after telling Pappy this,
He said,Thar's trouble still.
You can't marry Will my gal,
And please don't tell yore mother,
But Will and Joe and several mo',
I know is yore half brothers.
But Mama knew and said, My Child,
Just do what makes ye happy.
Marry Will or marry Joe,
Ye ain't no kin to Pappy.
Author Unknown
(Jes like Pappy)
I didn't write this but it was so cute I had to share it.
Judy Ball
I love the way you turn me on
When we sit on our sofa on the lawn
Your breakfast is the greatest dear
Scrambled eggs and a case of beer
I listen to each breath you take
Your snoring always keeps me awake
Remember walking up the hill
To get some moonshine from the still
A romantic dinner would be so fine
Two Big Macs and a glass of shine
You scratch your butt and wash my clothes
You watch TV and pick your nose
I'll love you forever to tell the truth
And when you smile, I love your tooth.
Cuter than a June bug was Blossom
Bubba's hound had a nose for possum
Bush moved and they watched it shake
Not a possum, dadgum snake
Bubba took aim, results were awesome
Tweren’t the end of Blossom’s era
Sucked out venom; used Aloe Vera
Dinner was finger lickin’
Snake tasted just like chicken
Felt like a Redneck Riviera
*Entry for John Freeman’s limerick contest
‘Twas close to the day when Buba Claus,
His red nose and Bowie knife shining,
Would be off to fill the manly's hearths,
With bacon for their frying.
The ground was bare of snow or ice,
The sky was clear of reindeer.
But Buba Claus was loading his sleigh,
Real high, with good stout Yule beer?
Buba Claus was out in force,
His NRA cronies in tow,
To fill naughty radicals stockings,
With tiny bits of coal.
Cigars dangled from their lips,
A spittoon he placed by their feet,
And, before the sleigh rose off the ground;
They tossed in another side of beef.
Each carnivore, they laughingly swore;
Would have their fill this year,
And Bambi blanched as He flew by,
While Teddy Bears ran in fear!
Over New Canaan His courses flew,
Past the homes of vegetarians;
And down their chimneys they did toss;
The views of Libertarians!
And when the last haunch was placed,
Upon the spits of the mighty,
His spat his cud of gnarly gum,
Into the spittoon real tidy!
Then he flew off with a Ho, Ho, Ho,
And, not the ones for plowing
Cause Buba Claus had his own ideas
Of all Santa’s sissy endowings!
***NOTE~TO BE READ WITH A RIDICULOUS "SILKY SOUTHERN DRAWL" (have fun:)***
"Storm over yet...?"
"Well hay'ell ye'ah!
woo-hoo!
sum'body git me a da'gumm cole beer.
whadda'bou that boy th'er?
sum'body git him'a cole beer too!"
"Diddy! that boy ain't nothin' but 8 years old!"
"Wha'choo sayin?
wha'th'a?
na'I don't give a jolly'durn, if he ain't nuttin but 8 year'owed!
shoot!
'dat boy dun' sat him thr'ew a big ol', storm!
torna'durr warnin' too!
he gonna have him'a cole burr;
on me!"
my treat!
mama, git him'a cole burr!
ro'tt now;
ya'here?
besides...
ta'days father's day!"
© 2011 ~JSLambert Esquire
You melt my butter.
You sop my gravy.
There is no other
like my redneck baby.
You're the frost on my mug;
the salt on my pretzel.
You really squish my mud.
You're the one I want to wrestle.
But if faithful, you're not,
or you be loose and fast;
not Cupid's arrow shot,
but mine, in your ass!
Love, Arlene
Racial slurs fly in Michigan like footballs.
I'm not supposed to point the finger at white women,
but white women who enjoy NASCAR, and mass
quantities of alcohol. can be pretty racists and homophobic,
This white woman said, "What did God say when he made
the first black man? "Damn, I burnt one."
Some people can lighten the mood right before a race-riot
breaks out by telling racists jokes. On the roof
of a very tall building are four men; one is asian,
one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.
The asian walks to the ledge and says,
"This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof.
Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says,
"This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof.
Next is the black guy's turn. The black guy walks
to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people"
and then throws the white guy off the roof.
See that's funny. We get really funny things
because of our differences. We do have to learn
to laugh, but more importantly appreciate ourselves..
Without color the world would be pretty grey.
This seems pretty obvious, but doesn't stop people
from killing each other. The world wouldn't
even be grey without color because grey is a color.
They say the blind can't lead the blind,
which brings me to my next joke.
How do you blindfold a Chinese person?
Put floss over their eyes.
I shouldn't have to spell out the obvious, or fight
for tolerance. It's getting late and my eyes
are turning red from all the jokes. Racism is
really bad comedy. it's like listening to a really bad laugh
that slowly drives a man insane. Don't even get me
started on sexism, which is just a form of stupidity.
I just don't like stupid people. I don't like when stupid
looks me in the eyes because it's ugly.Racists and sexists
must have brain cancer or some devastating mental illness,
which causes them to get mad when Mexicans don't mow
the grass or confused when black people don't like fried chicken.
Redneck Car
my redneck car is no junk
eight cylinders, what a hunk
beer cans over the floor
to enter there’s no door
the back seat is sometimes my bunk
2/18/2016
Poetry Contest: LIMERICK CONTEST II - FOR FUN
Sponsored by: JAN ALLISON
RED ON THE HEAD,
LIKE A WEENIE ON A DOG,
LIKE A NOODLE ON A POODLE,
LIKE KETCHUP ON A LOG,
~When retired Redneck take a vacation,
Needs not AARP’s senior discounts,
Motel tarpaulin costs are his passion,
A Redneck needs not large bank cash amounts.
~Give him some worms that squirm and North Fork Creek,
With wilderness trees, he’s very well pleased,
I’m Redneck quite sleek , have my own technique,
Head where wildlife frees, in mountain air breeze.
~My food still on hoof, venison is great,
There’s fish a plenty, may ride my Jenny,
Don’t need a debate, I’ll call my love Kate,
She’ll rough it with me, loves to fish you-see,
~Get Jenny some grain, I’ll clip her long mane,
City dudes are vain, drives Rednecks insane!
For and in Honor of: Carol Brown
And Contest: It’s Time For Vacation
When the preacher asked Do you take this man
The groom thought this was a thrill
The bride replied I may as well
Being no one else will
When the preacher said Do you take this woman
For your awful wedded wife
The groom replied Oh my
You mean the sentence is for life
Two families sitting side by side
Watching each other like hawks
When the Bride and groom stepped outside
Instead of rice, they threw rocks.
It was a romance made in heaven
If you want to know the truth
She was in love with his pick up truck
And he loved her front tooth
They went on their honeymoon
To a cabin on top of the hill
There was furniture on the front lawn
In the back there was a still
He promised her he’d do his best
And some day they’d have it made
So he decided to go back to school
And finish second grade
Now you might think this is funny
And filled your heart with laughter
But they never worried about material things
So they lived happily ever after.
Redneck Angel
Lyrics By Robert Taylor
A thousand cases of beer
Hangin’ with Jack all night
Sleeping with women from a bar
Not knowin’ their names when I woke
Then I saw your eyes in the dark
Sitting alone in the bar
An Angel from heaven sent
Dressed in Daisy dukes
And red hot cowboy boots
You’re a backwards miracle
I walked over and talked to you
Just hoping that you were real
We talked and then we kissed
Spent our time together
Drinking, dancing and talking the night away
How could God have so blessed
A poor assed Redneck boy like me.
I saw you down at the swamp
Wearing plaid, with mud in your hair
You were a redneck angel from heaven
Dressed in Daisy Dukes
And red hot cowboy boots
You’re a backwards miracle
Then I gave my heart to you
At the Antioch Baptist Church
Vows given without fear
My love is yours forever
I looked at your eyes through your veil
And you were crying with happiness
You were a Redneck angel from heaven
Dressed in daisy dukes
Red hot cowboy boots
You’re a backwards miracle
How could God have so blessed
A poor assed redneck boy like me.
Hiding but always in plain sight
Drinking, fishing, mud bogging
Things a girl shouldn’t do
How could you be who you are
Sharing my love and my life
How could God have so blessed
A Redneck like me.
An angel from heaven sent
Dressed in Daisy Dukes
Red hot cowboy boots
You’re a backwoods miracle
Bubba's goat is baaaaad
It done gone and ate his shorts
Burps the abc's.
Copyright © Cynthia Jones
Oct.16/2005
This redneck is fixin' to go dancin'
You reckon we get gussied up and go?
I'll be a high flutin' and a prancin'
Is the honky-tonk puttin' on a show?
Shall I wear my fanciest clod hoppers?
Shall I phone all your fiddle playin' kin?
I am gonna be such a show stopper.
We shall enter the dance contest and win.
I've got a hankerin' for hot romance,
And some granny-slappin' hillbilly sex.
Bear ten younguns, live in 'ternity pants
Did you just skedaddle, my newest ex?
Dern it, Darlin', thought we were so well matched.
I counted my chickens before they hatched!
Written 3/2/2017
Entered in Mid December Premiere
Hosted by Brian Strand
Billy Bob's mower
not only ate the green grass
but ate his clothes too.
Copyright © Cynthia Jones
Oct.16/2005
Trying something different.