Best Burlesque Poems
"It was 6 or 7 years ago
Or so I'd like to think
I traveled to my eye doctor..
(I should'a seen a "shrink"!!)
My dad and I we awaited
In a filled up waiting room
Patients all a'seat
Magazines all askew
There wasn't much to say there
There wasn't much to do...
Slowly I did notice
Some odd glances made at me...
Some hand-covered conversations...
Some smirks I seemed to see
It made me feel self-conscious
They seemed fixed looking at me in my seat
When slowly I did realize...
That they were staring at my feet...
I looked down, and to my horror
And much to my surprise...
A sight I could not fathom...
I could not believe my eyes!!!
For one foot was well fitted
with tennis sneaker white...
The other a black dress shoe
It was a startling sight!!!
Now I found how hard it was
to hide one's mismatched feet
I wished to God to run out
And escape onto the street
I was red with great embarrassment
and shocked how stupid I could be!
Had I been that darn sleepy?
Or could I just not see?
Then it slowly dawned on me,
Well, darn it, here I sit....
Proves I need an eye-doctor...
and I don't give a sh__......."
.
((bamb))
new soul
')>
*bamb; hindi
As legend has it, there lived Bai Balkhash, a rich man
In the North regions of the then Soviet Kazakhstan
Had a beautiful daughter Ili who was without her Smiley
So Balkhash held a feast with a contest to win Ili.
Ili, loved a shepherd called Karatal and easily managed
For Karatal to win the contest of the grooms staged
But Karatal followed the ancient tradition of love stories
Wherein the fathers were supposed to oppose the realities.
Now the lovers had no option but to run away and marry
And the angry father had no options to go contrary
So he turned them into rivers and himself a lake between.
Made himself a laughing stock taking water from rivers twin.
Today’s reality is Kazakhstan and China using Ili’s water
Poetic justice done, the lake drying, two rivers dying forever.
********
Burlesque Form
======================================
Dr. Ram Mehta
7th place win in:
Contest: Beloved Poem by Giorgio Veneto -
Kissing the lips of a fat woman
Is delicious like Tania
It feels like sliding on the slippery floor
But you only will not fall miserably
Kissing her cheeks feels like sucking an ice cream
Hugging a fat woman feels like hugging a mattress
It feels comfortable like the sofa set
Hugging her feels like hugging a novel pillow
Taking her by the hand
Is not taking the cow by the horn
It’s as comfortable as the King’s walking stick
Touching her garment, means you are alive
After loving a fat woman
I did not buy an ice cream
My mattress was no longer comfortable before hugging her
I had to hug her to add to the comfort of my mattress
When she is not there
I am never healed and pass away
She is my comfort zone
A day without her; I kick the bucket
The intricate and winding complexity of this aged device groans as its worn exterior strains.
Though delicate, it punctures through the malice of fools' logic, gripping onto a vision modestly contained.
Allowing an inner reflection of its grimy vanity, it projects an altered ego for the faint acceptance of its bleak fantasy.
They will never understand or know the burden of the wise when faced with the limits of stupidity.
The jester of maximum proportion, the seller of false attire,
The woven threads come forth to the gleaming purity of its ultimate destination.
The folly of all ages, that great pretender of truth.
Gone are the days of awakening, shattering belief, and fading away the moment of blissful reign.
One
Chloee? Yes Reginald!
Why do they call us Dachshunds, Wiener Dogs?
Maybe they call you a Wiener Reginald!
You cut me off at the legs with that one Chloee!
Two
Chloee? Yes Reginald! Have you ever smelled mothballs.
No Reginald it's too difficult to spread their tiny legs.
My that was a low blow Chloee. You wish Reginald, you wish!
Three
Reginald? Yes Chloee! I was at the park with my owner playing
Frisbee. As I watched the Frisbee I wondered why it was getting
bigger and bigger as it came towards me than it hit me.
Four
Chloee? Yes Reginald!
I was just lying down in the park the other day watching a Labrador
chasing his tail an' I thought ain't that amazing how easily amused
Labradors are! Then I realized I was watching the Labrador chase his tail.
Five
Reginald? Yes Chloee! I've written a poem it goes like this.
"Roses are red. Violets are blue. Some poems rhyme. And some don't!"
Six
Chloee? Yes Reginald! I was at a restaurant, I ordered a chicken sandwich,
but I don’t think the waitress understood me. Because she said,
“How would you like your eggs?” So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said,
“Incubated! And then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked,
and then cut up, and then put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun.
Damn! It’s gonna take a while. I don’t have time. Scrambled!”
The Finale
A Dachshund walks under a bar. I mean walks into a bar. Goes to the
bar and sits down. Asks the bartender "can I have a Budweiser Light
Beer" the bartender serves him and informs him "that will be seven dollars".
The Dachshund pays. The bartender keeps looking at the Dachshund.
Finally the Dachshund yells "What?" The bartender explains "no I'm
sorry we just never get Dachshunds in this bar." The Dachshund replies
"I'm not surprised...at seven dollars for a beer..."
The Encore
Reginald? Yes Chloee! When you cut your nails, do you file them?
Yes Chloee as a matter of fact I do! Pity! I just throw mine out!
Curtains!
01~10~2015
Sponsor: rob carmack
Contest: Daschunds
Poop is a smelly thing
poop is far from clean
when I poop, I poop on the pot
when I poop, I poop a lot
It's big and brown and looks like gravy
gosh it feels like I just had a baby
It's runny and smooshy , and really gross
In my family, mine smells the most.
I think I'm finished
I think I'm done
oh my goodness
it's beginning to run
oh no, this won't be fun.
Wipe and flush, I'm on the run
to play outside in the sun.
But in the yard, hiding low
I think my dog had to go
dog poo on the ground
dog poo all around
dog poo is smelly too
dog poo is on my shoe.
Do people think you are sleazy and bad,
since the day you replied to that want ad?
The words were in black and white, and plain.
“No Experience Necessary, We Train”.
This job is not what most women would like to get,
However, it pays the bills and keeps you out of debt.
You live in a nice house, and drive a Corvette.
Of all the occupations anyone can seek,
there are not too many paying two grand a week.
They hired you for what came naturally.
Men easily discover your great beauty.
You have the looks of a centerfold in a magazine.
Your dancing in the club makes quite a scene.
A fight with your old man made him pack and go away.
He left you and your child unexpectedly one day.
You were desperate and needed a job right away.
It seems nobody was impressed with your resume.
Other employers apparently could not be convinced.
So many places only wanted experienced.
When you are dancing in the club each night,
men from all over think you are a delight.
Scantily clad, you erotically tease.
This is how you gather your gratuities.
Some men get obnoxious, and a bit out of hand.
Enforcers appear to take a stand.
A small team of bouncers comes out to greet.
The mashers land in the middle of the street.
Never mind what people think is wrong or right.
Many men like me will be seeing you tonight.
What is the state of the language?
How should we use the words?
How much can we elaborate
Before we're dismissed as nerds?
Satan in my bowels
All I can say is 'ow'
Cringing and churning
My biscuits are burning
I’m praying for relief
Some sort of lanolin leaf
Wondering why I wasn’t born
Before the devil had horns
Squatting in the bush
Mourning my tortured tush
Asking when trees portend
Charmin is our friend
So if you hear me cry
Shouting Jalapenos must die
Remember that camping is fun
Except when nature’s on the run
Once there was a girl, little hood,
She was a fine mamma, looking good.
Hood decided to take a walk
Didn’t see the wolf watching her like a hawk.
Mesmerised by her swinging ass
He trailed behind watching her sway with class
He said “I gotta have a piece of hood,”
“That ass is juicy and good for food.”
Suddenly he stopped with a frightful stare
Across from her was mamma, papa and baby bear.
The notorious trio who did goldilocks
Just down the road about three blocks
Wolf said “I’m not gonna stand for this.”
The Wolf now was getting pissed.
He draws his ooze and colt 44
Rat a tat tat mama , papa and baby no more.
Smoke clears and he sees hoods’ on the floor
“F--k!” he screams “I killed my wh-re.”
She stirs and looks at him with a smile,
Hood says “Bad boy tonight you get to do d--gystyle.”
In times like this it’s pertinent to stroke the longest cord
for hummer is impertinent and seldom brings discord.
Each slippery politician who runs yelling, “Come on Board!”
is asking for some hummer from constituents lapboards.
He wants them on their knees paying, for taxing fills his hoard
Just a little hummer raises bundles and gets Johnny Boys accord.
And, if you think it just ain’t right to make a joke of Nancy*
then let me tell you baby, your hummers just not fancy!
Hell, you have to laugh at what they say, and their fancy stroking
for if you took them seriously, even Heimlich would be choking!
So, just remember next time your party yells "Come on Board!"
that if you do, you must expect the meaning is untoward.
*Nancy / Nancy boy - It is the opposite of being hard.
In cold weather a nancy boy would dress up in a coat,
hat, gloves and scarf and a hard guy would wear a t-shirt.
*hummer a slang word for a type of sex
** humour/hummer it's a play on words
Who says I’m getting old?
My hairs are not gray
Its beautiful sterling silver
The finest silver around
Who says I’m getting old?
My face isn’t bright red
I’m not having hot flashes
I just have constant sunburn
I love the outdoor
Who say’s I’m getting old?
Not me I’m as young as I feel
Tennis anyone?
I’m a man
In case you couldn’t see
I don’t use the word “poopie”
And I’m addicted to TV
I’m a man
Who doesn't have time to bleed
But who still has compassion
For blind, busty women in need
I’m a man
Who isn’t defined by “it”
Though affectionate enough
To scratch a public itch
I’m a man
Driven by real adventure
Falling asleep on the sofa
Still wearing my dentures
I’m a man
A wild stud in full bloom
Waiting in the Jacuzzi
Picking my Fruit of the Loom
I’m a man
Who hates to be mean
Crying in the bathroom
When it’s time to clean
I’m a man
Nothing more or less
A mountain of masculinity
Who never ceases to impress
If I had to make a choice I would rather hate intelligently than to love stupidly.