Best Hairball Poems
Lurking in fuzzy leftovers is seen
A quivering, crawling hairball of green
A florescent prune
Or cheese from the moon
Gurgles gastric, plastic alien spleen
The miser squire requires gluts of caffeine
To dissect this science project's gangrene
Harpoon on a spoon
Zoom to the saloon
Lunch ladies' supreme mystery cuisine.
3/15/19
For Green Humor contest
Sponsor: Carolyn Devonshire
Cat
Kitty
Licking now
Hairball. Hairball.
Move Yourself Quickly
Foul thing comes out.
Disgusting
Hairball.
Cat
My furry friend coughed up a big hairball,
she coughed so hard the darn thing hit the wall,
so while I cleaned up the mess,
wasn't too happy I confess...
but it does beat the backside waterfall.
Her brown hair shiny in the sun
Her black hair makes her
invisible at night.
Her pitbull face makes you step back
Her piercing red eyes could hypnotize,
Telling you not to screw with her.
Her mission is to protect her master
and his children
All who live in this house-
Do not even think of entering
when the Master is asleep.
You will not make it three steps to the door.
She will chew you up and spit you out
like a hairball.
With no regrets, just satisfaction.
That another day has gone by
and she has accomplished
what she was put here for-
The family of this house
Has not been harmed at all!
The best bodyguard ever.
Humphry Dumphry sat in the hall
Eating a hamburger and things that crawl
A silly old kook
Wearing a tuque
Wee Humphry choking on a dirty big hairball
In the last ten years
I have
Been looking
In the
Mirror
Aging
Brown spots
Cracks
Wrinkles
Where
Brown
Hair
And
Muscle
Lived
Dances
Barely
Still
The
Cat
Cleans
And
Preens
In
Front
Of
Me
As
I
Work
And
Never
Seems
To
Age
Okay here comes slap happy pappy, at your beck and call
For parties, conventions, or entertaining at the mall
Just set up a booth
Blacken a tooth
And bring down the house, pretending to have a hairball
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.
You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.
I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!
The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.
Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that
Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me, a paper bag
What is so funny?
The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.
Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a "term paper"?
Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around
Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner
Want to trim my claws
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake the dead
I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in the bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp....
Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much"
Litter box not there
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink
The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt
If I had a hairball
It would be no wonder
Since I lick and lick and lick all day
All day long, I’m lickin’ on my paws
I am in a hairy way!
If I had a hairball
I would gag and cough
And gag and cough and gag and cough some more
You all know the lovely sounds I make
Leaving you a present on the floor!
Those Obnoxious Facebook Game Requests
By Elton Camp
Anthony’s weiner I’d nearly as soon see
As your game request number thirty-three
You sent another as you’ve done before
And once again, I fully intend to ignore
Of all things the Facebookers post,
I despise game requests the most
They are just so disgustingly inane
From sending more, please refrain
Your idiot dog’s pic is better than that
Or even one showing your hairball cat
Perhaps this will help you to realize
How much game requests I despise
Who I Seek
When O'Henry our cat is one who I seek
We can always tell by his variable squeak
Which he does instead of going meow
Thought of it himself from out of the blue.
Now O'Henry when we are often seeking
Look forward to hearing his horrible squeaking
Likes licking body so off things won't fall
That turn out becoming a big hairball.
Is always highly attentive as he nears
Seeing his stuck up and pointed ears
Wiggle back and forth in every direction
Can cats actually have a lose connection?
James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran
Listening to incoherent jabber from Charles Manson
Or a continuos loop of music by Hanson
A summer cold with a nose that's runny
Or Bob Saget trying to be funny
A hairball that makes you cough
Or a concert performance from David Hasselhoff
Being arrested shoplifting at the Goodwill
Or putting your tongue on some cold winter steel
Soaking your clothes and running face first in to a live electric fence
Or tickets to a Barefoot Contessa upcoming event
Drinking soup out of a well worn boot
Or eating some nicely aged Baloot
Smelling a European woman's unshaved pits
Or ten yards from finishing a marathon and calling it quits
Eating a lemon lips cracked and dry
Or jumping off a building, then realizing you're not Superman, you cannot fly
Hitting shins in the dark on a metal chair
Or having a blowout in the ghetto, the blowout was your spare
Your car is ripped off, clothes in the car while you are skinny dipping in the lake
Or the thief that stole it realizes going down a mountain that it has no brakes
Sometimes decisions are a curse
You decide which is worse
Please be careful where you sit,
The cat had a coughing fit.
She launched a hairball,
So just be careful.
I wouldn’t want you wearing it.
And be careful where you stand,
The dog has an overactive gland.
Your leg he’ll hump
If you don’t jump.
He’s getting out of hand.
And please try not to lean,
My Parakeet is kind of mean,
If you get too close,
He’ll bite your nose,
You see to him it’s just protein.
And take care if you should squat,
My Boa Constrictor’s not feeling too hot,
Rather than greet you,
He’d probably eat you,
Whether you wanted him to or not.
Don’t hang from the chandelier,
My Tarantula won’t like you near,
Just by seeing her sight,
Gives people quite a fright,
And she only attacks when there is fear.
And be careful where you lay,
The hamster got out today.
Small babies she’s throwing,
Hey, where are you going?
I hope you’ve enjoyed your stay.
[The Candyman]
Who can take a hairball?
Blame it on the cat
Flush it down the tank
And you laugh a lot for that
It’s the handyman
Yes, it's the handyman
The handyman can
‘Cause you pay him for the laugh
When the laugh is on you
Yes, the laugh is on you
‘Cause he took you for a fool
And he’s not done yet
(No, he’s not done yet!)
The handyman makes
Everything he breaks
Work again for just a minute
It’s your money-did he win it
Only when you hear him spin it
Now you got a problem
Who you gonna call?
Your handyman is gone
‘Til the late, late fall
But he’s your handyman
Yes, he's your handyman
And your handyman can
If you bought the monthly plan
And your boa gets loose
When your boa gets loose
Then your cat disappears
And the hairballs stop
(So the skids run dry)
Now, you can laugh again
Yes, you can laugh again
Give the man a hug
For a slime-free rug
'Cause he's your handyman.
The Cat Drank My Beer
The Cat drank my beer
I left in a cup.
Actually she used her tongue
to lick it all up.
I remember thinking,
this does not bode well
for the cat or the beer.
This feline had to drive home
and she didn’t live near.
I could see she was
in no condition to drive.
By the time I stopped her,
she had already drank five.
She slurred her purrs,
licking everyone around.
She threw a hairball at a beagle
and pinned a pit-bull to the ground.
She meows she hates you
and think you’re a rat.
Then starts crying, asking:
“does this fur make me look fat?”
She rants and raves
as those with drink tend to do.
Then starts singing Streisand
albeit a little off tune.
I mix catnip and Friskees
for a little pick me up.
She takes one lick
and passes out in her cup.
I now know that cats
have a problem with beer.
One sip or lick drops
them on their rear.
8/22/18