Best Buying Poems
BUYING CONDOMS
I was desperate to buy me some condoms
On a Wednesday morning in June
My girlfriend had made me a promise
And we were meeting up that afternoon
For she'd noticed that in my frustration
My flat....which I kept fairly neat
Now had fingernail marks on the ceiling
And teethmarks on the toilet seat
So she promised an hour of pleasure
As pleasurable as it could be
She wanted fifty eight minutes
With the other two minutes for me
Now you folks are probably thinking
Splitting an hour like that was a crime
But in my mood of complete desperation
Two minutes seemed like a long time
So I stood in a queue in the chemist's
Hoping to be quite discrete
While the lady in front bought and paid for
Corn plasters to stick on her feet
And when my turn came I was gutted
I though 'this must be a joke'
For a gorgeous young girl came to serve me
I was wanting a grizzly old bloke
Embarrassed I picked up some aspirin
But her smile put me quickly at ease
She said as she took the box from me
'Would you like some condoms with these?'
'We have them in black, red or tartan
And ribbed ones to last a long time'
'Do you have a favourite flavour?
We have peppermint, strawberry or lime'
'Flavours?'........ I nervously stuttered
'Strawberry?.......'Is that what you said?'
'These things are to go on my winkie'
'Not between two slices of bread'
She chuckled away as she wrapped them
She'd decided on tartan and lime
And smiled as she gave me the packet
Then wished me a really good time
I dashed around home in a frenzy
The minutes were ticking away
My girlfriend was coming here shortly
For our sixty minutes of play
My clothes hit the floor in a heartbeat
I put on my condom with glee
And the first that she saw, as she opened the door
Was my tartan condom and me
She screamed as the door closed behind her
Her face like a deathly white mask
Then pointed and silently shuddered,
'What're you going to do with that flask?'
I chuckled 'It isn't a flask it's a condom'
Tartan and flavoured with lime'
With disgust she turned and departed
Walking out for the very last time
So my day of passion was stifled
I didn't make it as far as the bed
And as my condoms were lime flavour
I had them with corn flakes instead
BUYING LIFE
This is how
She got the job
To pay the rent
That man did drink
The rent to house
To house the kids
That man did want
The kids
That cried
Throughout the night
This is how
She crashed the car
To get to job
To help the man
The man who drank
To pay the rent
To house the kids
That man did want
The kids
That cried
Throughout the night
This is how
The babe was born
Before its time
When car did crash
To get to job
To help the man
The man that drank
To pay the rent
To house the kids
That man did want
The kids
That cried
Throughout the night
This is how
The babe
Did die
Before its time
From crash in car
To get to job
To help the man
Who drank the rent
To house the babes
The man did want
The babes
That cried
Throughout the night
This is how
She packed the kids
To leave the man
That drank the rent
The rent to house
To house the kids
That man did want
The kids
That cried
Throughout the night
This is how
She lived in peace
Without a man
And got a job
And bought a house
To house the babes
That she did want
The babes
That
Slept
Throughout
The
Night.
Victoria Anderson-Throop
At the crowded book store
People are lining up
Eying an autographed copy
Of a newly released bestseller.
Enthusing front of the line
Are the scholarly readers,
Critics, and the like:
Aspiring headline makers.
Some have read the reviews,
Some know author's bio.
Staging erudite conversations
Are members of book clubs.
Showing off signed copies
Are those of a special class.
They've just the spot
On their antique book cases--
Reserved for appearances.
February 1, 2019
Placed first in early February 2019 contest by Brian Strand
There once was a crazy man called Calvin
spent a lot of money for jackpot win
but it was his bad luck
soon became a bankrupt
started selling tickets for a living!
============================
Placement:9th;(January 2012)
Contest:Lottery Ticket Limerick
Sponsor:Susan Burch
By:kashinath karmakar
you may think that soy is not made of metal
but i saw james hetfield filling his kettle.
full of that sh$% in the vegan isle.
so i just starred at him for awhile.
Buying a Goat
How I negotiated for its slaughter
Was not a matter for plain laughter
Haggling, it chanced a sire activity,
Last before the fatalistic disability!
He is charging more than whole,
Maybe he is selling me the sire role!
JM
2nd February 2014
Reliability is hard to come by, I hear a sigh
Product insurance is offered when you buy
Manufacturers do build obsolescence in
Sellers know you’ll be coming back again.
Product insurance is offered when you buy
The appliance is not meant to last forever,
Sellers know you’ll be coming back again
A dependency dealers are reluctant to sever.
The appliance is not meant to last forever
Malfunctioning when you need it most,
A dependency dealers are reluctant to sever
Their product is the very best, they boast.
Malfunctioning when you need it most
You are forced to buy a replacement,
Their product is the very best, they boast,
But, now it’s in a box in your basement!
You are forced to buy a replacement
With the same promises and guarantees
But, now it’s in a box in your basement,
Life is a vicious cycle of these certainties.
With the same promises and guarantees
Product insurance is offered when you buy,
Life is a vicious cycle of these certainties,
Reliability is hard to come by, I hear a sigh.
Written December 11, 2022
[Pantoum form, adapted]
Panic buying
shoppers vying
People lying
not complying
They’re so greedy
others needy
No chips or bread
kids can’t be fed
There’s no pasta
pure disaster
No toilet rolls
For ‘our souls’
Pushers shovers
think of others!
We have been in lockdown for a little over a week, there was mass panic buying before the actual lockdown was implemented and the shelves were stripped bare as if by locusts in a field, it was 3 days before I was able to get a loaf of bread. Now everything is in stock and I've not had to queue for long with more than 3 people in front of me
01/15/21
The buying frenzy has begun
And every store’s competing.
You’d better hurry up; these discount
Prices will be fleeting.
For those of us who hate to shop
‘Cause holidays demand it,
It doesn’t pay to moan about
How much we cannot stand it.
If we were smart we could have bought
Our presents months ago,
But good intentions somehow buck
Against the status quo.
And so we venture into stores
Among the crowds that crush
With pledges to ourselves next year
We’ll beat the Christmas rush.
I see my daughter as n feisty teen
but of course any boyfriends day dream
Ogling my beautiful only daughter,
will bring on your instant awful slaughter
I’m a man of a certain caliber
A girl’s father needs no Excalibur
A double barrel slug is in your sight
Loaded ready to release her dad's spite
My scope in focus and set for the kill
A shotgun means I need no shooting skill
So watch your amorous boyfriend action,
it will lead to unequal reaction
Stocking up bullets at every payday
This despite only her second birthday
There was once a wealthy merchant
Who wished to collect some debt
He sent his servant to see to it
And told him to buy goods on return
The servant did as he was bid
But when he saw the plight of the poor
His heart was so moved that
He tore the notes into pieces!
He went home and said: We lack not
grain or oil, silk or gold, wine or silver
Thus, I bought you nothing but…
Compassion and righteousness!
Perplexed, the merchant voiced not
But when he next journeyed afar
He was greeted by crowds and cheers
Earnest folks grateful of his kindness
“So this was what he meant, when
He told me what he had bought!”
All rights released into Public Domain
She was like a big doll, he thought,
As he watched her standing stoically
So prominent in the window display.
A window shopper looked in. So attractive, he thought.
Suddenly all reminiscent ideas fled,
As she had disappeared from view.
He walked towards the window display.
There was the dummy wearing a coat
With a large mirror behind it.
Not a coat of fashion, though around the neck
It had some expensive fur, a mink no doubt.
It was not beyond his means really.
He mused whether he would dare offer it to her.
But he hardly knew her and was not rich really,
Just a poor latrine attendant with no schooling.
Dreams! He was a fool for out of the shop
She came wearing the coat and she was not alone.
A hunk of a man strode confidently with her.
He looked back at the window now without the coat.
Only the mirror remained. His face leered back at him.
Was his face that ugly that he resembled a mink?
Ah well, even minks have a loving mate!
When Ali asked me to help her find a used car for Ava I thought, “She’ll thank me forevermore!” because this is exactly the kind of thing we parents were created for.
Wanting to show my daughter and granddaughter I was equal to the task…
I researched, when buying a used car, the 25 questions you should ask.
I even looked into how I should act…should I smile, sneer or scoff…
and how I need to look responsible, mature but not too wealthy or well-off.
Responsible, mature but not wealthy or well-off…well here’s a little fact…
that description fits me to a tee…I wouldn’t even have to act!
A button-up shirt with a collar…something in greens or blues…
no expensive jewelry…and please…no worn out shoes.
When we met Ali and Ava at the used car dealer I was a wonder to be seen
comfortable shoes, blue jeans and a button-up shirt…I chose the color green.
I was cool, calm, collected…didn’t want to appear tyrannical…I was ready with my questions about mileage and any problems electronic…or mechanical.
I looked over the car with Ali…ready with my questions to amaze and to inspire….
to show I knew what I was doing…I even kicked a tire.
My plan was to ask insightful questions then render my opinion and support…
but Ali had the answers already in her own Carfax report.
Ali did all the negotiating…in fact the only thing I could think to say…
Was…can you tell me please…the color of this car…is it brown or is it gray?
As I was ready to enter the negotiations…to put my prowess on display…
Ali closed the deal…got the car she wanted at the price she wanted to pay.
I’m sure my reasoning is correct here…that my thinking’s not bizarre…
and whenever Ali’s asked how she managed to get such a good deal on Ava’s car…
She will look that person in the eye…
Think of me…and the truth she will not skirt….
“I’m pretty sure,” she’ll say with a smile, “it was due to my dad’s shirt.
Buying the Bible
Was one of the better things he did
That afternoon.
Worn, and second-hand,
It went on a little shelf in the pantry
Next to Daily Bread.
Thus the pantry became
Hallowed: "No Trespassing";
A Kingdom just for him.
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3/6/2015
Contest - End of June Standard,
Any Form or None, Any Theme,
up to a Maximum of 20 Lines
Sponsor - Brian Strand
1st place win
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Featured poem of the week
commencing 7/1/2018
Invited to some weddings,
It was time to buy a dress.
The thought of such an effort
Was enough to give me stress.
I went to a department store,
A place I rarely shop,
But kept my fingers crossed that it
Would be my only stop.
I found some possibilities
And went to try them on,
Evaluating each with
Mental lists of pro and con.
This one too short, that one too young,
Another had a rip
And one was kind of cute but really
Just too hard to zip.
And then – voila! One made me smile,
A perfect length and size.
I felt like Cinderella
In her godmother disguise.
I paid and took it home and now
There’s no need to despair
For when those weddings roll around
I know what I will wear.