At times i get so angry,
my brain makes way for the void.
A debilitating state of mind.
A collapsing state of being.
A never-ending shift from the revolving door of emotions and morality.
Coming or going is the question within my soul.
The Lord tugging at my heartstrings,
while the devil attempts to overlap it in brick.
Attempting to forever encase me in my shame.
Shackling me in the doubt that consumes me.
Sinking me further into the despair, I've drowned out with bottles.
While taking drugs to numb what remains.
It’s a shame, really
This feeling
It burns
The only way
That I can explain it
To the Non-Addict is
You want something
A specific something
To change your mood
But at the same time
You don’t
Yet you act on it anyway
Rehab
That
You didn’t teach me that this would be a lifelong sentence of surveillance
You just gave me a certificate
Slapped me on the back
And said
“30 days was enough”
Why is it so hard to climb just 12 steps?
Whiskey road,
all alone,
here we go again/
Hitting switchbacks,
going too fast,
chasing down my sin/
Headlights crawl,
through the pouring rain,
to where the road gives out/
Glass eye’d stare,
same whispered prayers,
plunged deep into the black/
welcome myself
Self created madness
The reality of my life
Stuck on repeat
Challenges of a twisted mind
Overthinking the chaos surrounding me
How do I resolve the problem
So I can feel better day after day
Driven by loud shame
Living in guilt mixed beliefs
Stuck repeatedly
This challenging seat
Increasing mind begging
Please help me
Disturbed anger
Narcissistic self doubt
Furious rage
Unbalanced brain
Masked feelings
With a untrusting face
Gazing into my soul
Eyes wide open
Yearning the grave
Drowning in an ocean
With out absorbing my life
Reliving these days
Self defeat
Using self will
Resistance of God
Reaching out & turning away
My mind is made up
My bed is made
Unstable thoughts
Disconnected
Faith lost at sea
My will not of God
Existing only for me
Endlessly filled selfishly
Welcome to my shame
God help me
Written by
Jacob Lange 9/18/2025
Filled with substance,
Never know who I’ll be next -
A person in disguise
Like the back of an earring,
Lost in the fibers
Unsure of what thought comes next -
But I feel more aware,
Yet still so alone -
Misunderstood,
Substance,
You’ve held me so tight.
Made me feel safe
But without you, it’s so much clearer
I cannot replace,
I must escape
And learn to live without you
She needs that drink to start the day
When the children play
To get away
Meetings, lunch, that damn report
The never-ending stress
A drink to rest
She makes love like the dead
Her mind ahead
Major decisions, racing instead
A drink to unwind
To go to bed
Tomorrow a drink to get ahead
Engagements, talks, drinks to go
The high-powered girl has hit the low
Make up getting thicker now
Drink the crutch
Husband having an affair
It’s all too much
Drinks to get up
Starts to fall
Crashing down against the wall
Pulls herself up
In a daze
Looks in the mirror
In a haze
Sees a face
A slight trace
Pitiful tragic being
For the first time seeing
The ghost finally screaming
She stands up
The words would set her free
I am an alcoholic
The gift of recovery is a gift like no other
it is not easily given
One must work harder than is thought possible
it is a gift that is often taken back
multiple times before
it is given permanently
it takes strength of mind, body, and spirit
it is a gift that is sadly not often sought
nor won
it is elusive and precious
it is lifechanging
and the lack of it can be deadly
However, it is very worth it
and incredibly rewarding!!!
Heard a song of broken halos,
folded wings that used to fly.
Wondered why I go where I go.
Yeah, broken halos as miles went by.
Angels used to come and teach me,
now they’ve gone another way.
Don’t blame them, I told them they should
find another soul to save.
Stared at the darkness and let my mind go,
it took me places I used to shine.
The song kept playing – broken halos.
Yeah, broken halos and this one’s mine.
Don’t go looking for the reasons.
Don’t go asking Jesus why.
Some folded wings don’t have a reason.
Somehow, they lose the will to fly.
I’ve seen my share of broken halos,
tried to mend some. I’ve tried to give.
I never thought someday I’d join them.
I guess it happens in the lives we live.
I drove in silence for long time,
thought of the angels in the grand sublime.
Wondered if they’d ever fallen…
Broken halos that used to shine.
Yeah, broken halos and this one’s mine.
Song: Chris Stapleton – Broken Halos
Another day another fight
I find myself another night
The lessons learned and hardships faced
My time is now, no days to waste
I'm not alone when it comes to my journey
No need to be frightened, letting nothing deter me
But my feelings are haywire telling me to turn back
Reminding me only of the strength that I lack
So I close my eyes tight and I look in the dark
For my faith is a fire needing only a spark
I'm no longer afraid to turn my will over
To the power of God my only chance to stay sober
My night has now ended and my heart has been tested
The day has been won and my faith was not bested.
Another day gone by a chance now in the past,
More time has been forever lost sand falling through my glass.
I want to free my mind and soul I've dug this hole so deep,
I numb this choice of living as I pass days way till sleep.
This choice to let the time tick by is poison in my brain,
To live alone and not seek help my life's become insane.
I want to be
the best version of me.
I want to believe
in myself
and my recovery.
I'm tired of living
a life of insanity,
that's not the person
I want to be.
I'm not that person anymore,
now I live in accord.
Harmoniously happy,
thanking God
for my sobriety.
I was once surviving,
now I'm thriving.
This is my time,
I'm really trying.
Forgive me for my past,
the changes I've made
are going to last.
You were my sunshine,
once upon a time.
When I stood by your side,
day in and day out.
Do you remember who raised you for so long?
I spent every second
surrounded by you.
I found security in being needed
and my purpose in life was clear.
I catered to a life I created and held so dear.
My soul longed for you,
you saved my life before.
I stopped using and straightened out my life
because of you.
I stayed that way for 3 years,
that was the happiest I've ever been.
I believed in being the best version of me
and I miss every minute of it.
I need you to need me
and I know you do.
All I need to do is quit slipping up,
my life is worth saving
so you have a mother to look up to,
a hand to hold
and a role model to remind you
that you're destined for greatness.
To be together again,
I want to be your today and tomorrow,
to be a part of your whole.
My heart hurts without you,
with you I feel at home.
You are my sunshine
and I know it's past time.
I'm sorry for that,
but I am here now.
Hope Within
I’m a hope-a-holic.
I think that’s why I’m here.
I want to celebrate the moments,
Turn straight away from fear.
Focus on the good, good, good,
Never lonely, never sad.
Cover up the not good stuff,
The jealous, anxious, mad.
Share the smiles, one by one,
I spread em’ down the line.
All my inner conflict, gone.
Again, I’m feeling fine.
What happens when the good is gone?
What’s left behind, for me?
Empty and in darkness, I drown.
My vision lost beyond the sea.
It’s out of this darkness, I seek
To find my Great Hope again.
The light turns on, the darkness - gone.
It’s easy to pretend.
But then I stick around a bit.
I learn my way around.
Now I know, with some time spent,
What can be in that darkness - found.
It is not outside myself.
The power’s inside me.
Yes,
My powerful Great Hope within
Is my recovery.
I once had a Lazy Susan
Adding confusion to choosin'
I gave her a spin
But never could win
And that's why I turned to boozin'
Day old coffee
in its maker
a cold witness
sometimes
to broken dreams
and war stories
and proclamations
of
getting well
of
new beginnings
of
hearty hope.
Solemn stories and
cloudy memories
and Joe
laughter’s echo
at some obscure
joke but
the window
knows
how schemes get
distorted
deformed
disfigured.
Some have just
flown that way
inevitably
some do go
without ceremony
without fanfare
no hoopla
simply vanish
and all that’s left
are
empty seats
empty room
empty maker
waiting for
the next batch
of sunshine.
(click the picture to buy my poetry book!)
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