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Long Poems
Long poem by Russell Banks | Details

Poetically Pathetic Crow

Just enough to make it just
I want this to be enough to make this
The last song ever, the last note ever
The last romantically, poetically sad excuse for an apology, epilogue
But I've already messed up the melody that would've carried me to the finish line from this moment in time
So if you would allow me to pick up my fragile pieces, go back to my quiet solace
Hit reset and start all over again...
This Wild Life, my muse today
A consistent mainstay
I just hope it helps okay
I made a mistake, a miscalculation
A slight misconception
Played a song to induce tears
I knew it would hurt
You'd think I would learn
It's been gone for years
And I can't get it back
You'd think I would learn
Cause for years, it's all I asked
Then I said, "Get Away, Get Away
Just give me some space"
Hey, This Wild Life
Is it okay for me to turn this into a song for myself
Give it away, give it away
Let me have this today
Don't Say no, at least not right now
For right now, I'm not fine
I'm not alright
And there goes my melody tonight...
I called you here, stay here please
I will get this right
Sarah, hey how are you
No, please don't look so confused
No, you did nothing wrong here
No, you haven't appeared in a blue moon 
Forgive me, I just miss you
So soon, everyday feels so soon
Years too late and it feels so soon
Don't leave! Wait! Just hear me out
Please just stay, no don't turn away
I need you okay, I need you okay
If I told you to listen to this song
Would you say okay?
What did you do so wrong to me?
I turned the thought over and over in my head
Found negative answers instead
I turned the thought over in my head
And wanted to go home to sleep instead
I turned the thought over in my head
What did you do so wrong to me?
And there it is, the question it seems
You don't know and I don't apparently
What did you do so wrong to me?
Played our song on repeat as you told me constantly like a tape recorder mouthing off all your indecencies
As you washed yourself of me with love and all it's other drugs
Were you snug like a bug in your rug as you took your blanket shape shifting it like a knife constructed to pierce me
Were you happy knowing that you slit both my wrists and broke my neck leaving me dead
Did you ever once consider how I felt, did you ever even hear me when I said you were all I had left
Did you ever once hear me when I said you were all I had
You were all I had
There it rises, the problem I have with you
The anger, the rage your memory ensues
My gut says to hate you for all you put me through
The lies, the false goodbyes, the way you had me by rope tugging at me
A blind dog on all fours
My gut says to hate you
Call this the end, scream for you to
"GET AWAY, GET AWAY! LEAVE ME BE THIS DAY!
JUST GET AWAY, GET AWAY! Let me dabble in the misery you plagued me with this day"
While my heart says, "No, shut up. Sarah, I love you. Don't leave, stay with me. Sarah, pick up the phone, contact me. Sarah, I love you; say something to know you remember my name. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah please don't give up on me
As my mind bust out laughing maniacally, "She doesn't love you, why else would she torture you? Torture your insides till you felt like you were bleeding all the time? 
Why would she love you, embrace you when all your love was blind?
Why would she love you when you've been living in her vicinity; you've lived in the same city as her and yet you've only seen her face once 
Nearly collapsing on sight from a panic attack when you wished it, wanted it, asked for it
You cowardly fool, why would love someone like you when it's so much more fun to torture you? Muhahahaha!"
To be fair I thought you, Sarah, were all mine
Though maybe in truth my love was blind, I thought you were all mine
How many shared your fruit with me?
And that's what brings me to my dilemma
Why I called you here
Why I play this song on repeat, intentionally messed up the melody yet still keep it intact
Please don't go away, go away
Sarah, please stay
I am selfish, I don't understand
With you, I knew what it meant to be a man
Sarah, I'm lost without you
I'm no one, you were my dream come true
Sarah, I diluted myself with poison and revenge
I've turned green with envy, wanting you; demanding that you return to me so I can have the real closure I've wanted for so long
But all this closure that I seek, is for me to kiss your cheek and say see you soon
8 years later and it all still feels so soon
Don't get away, get away
Sarah, please answer me
Do you have any pleasant memories of us?
Do you think of us anymore?
I, cluelessly in love with you
You, blissfully radiant too
All I have are these downhill memories
A giant snowball of negativity
Please share with me what you have left
Sarah, please don't go away
I still carry pictures of you for my sake
So I don't run out of my house, screaming "where are you?!"
So I don't call your phone feeling blue saying I miss you
Sarah, please don't go away, go away
I need you okay
Sarah, please don't leave me all alone again
I can't keep screaming at your moving pictures saying I hate you with rage
I can't keep staring at your heart with wonder and puppy dog eyes
Thinking softly if I'm still there, somewhere
Sarah, please don't go away
I'm lost this day....
But she never answered me
She never heard me
I stare blankly at this mirror, envisioning her face
But it's just my own, twin streaks of tears rolling
This Wild Life singing softly
"Don't say it's over"
But it's over
It has been for 8 years
I've tried to twist time, make her mine one last moment for a lifetime
I saw it once, she was my forever
I am her never
What's funny is I know the words she'd say if she read this
She'd say incredulously
"Awe Russy, I'm impressed
You have a way with your distress
I love you too but there's no more room for you
I'm happy you see
You need to move on cause you won't be happy chasing after me"
But the thing is in small steps, I have moved on
There's a lovely lady I'm chasing west coast bound
I repeat for it to be real cause honestly it still sounds so make believe to me
That I am traveling to California to be with a girl I saw in the same light I saw Sarah 
And I'm terrified, terrified
So I call back on my first promised wife
I don't say hello, and I won't say goodbye
I'm just letting my mirror know that I'm letting you go
So it can pass it on to your reflection so you can see me in your eyes one day and finally get back to me
Just don't say I love you too...
Just tell me "I remember you"
Because I can't forget you too

Copyright © Russell Banks | Year Posted 2016

Long poem by Laura Breidenthal | Details

Light On the Devil's Chord - Day 29

Somehow, 
Forward, and headlong
I knew it was day again

There was a shift in the dark mutterings of the Devil,
Who now refused to sleep as I refused to sing,
Almost an anticipation in his voice,
As if he needed this newfound attention,
And as he waited I wondered how quickly
He sought to leap into my dreams
The nights I recalled of late were billowed in sick reservoirs of resentment,
Hatred, cruel agony and, as always,
Plot overlapping plot

Yet, there was, 
In every vagrant heart, a beat,
A thrumming of movement, 
A strum of bass, and a shrill of strings, stings, screams
Voices moaning in strange harmonic rhythms
It was very much alive—
A hell much exultant in the night’s hour
And as day broke, it seemed as if hell,
And all of its inhabitants therein, 
Mourned

The Prison of Plot silenced at my awakening,
And even the Devil ceased his mutterings to gaze at me
I lifted my body out of the pool of warm water, 
Studying his fixed gaze

“Why do you immerse yourself in such holy waters,” He began,
His voice gravelly and gruff,
“When you could easily, like I, 
Rise above it?”

I stepped onto the mucky shore, 
My eyes locked into his own
I stretched the exhaustion away,
Brushed aside the fear, the anxiety and the dry tears
And I listened to his heart—
A thumping, begrudging, trudging beat

“There is no existence warmer,” I sang,
“Than the co-existence of man and truth,
And in this truth, the Spirit resides,
Rising above foolish prides,
Boiling over lies,
Overflowing in grace
Leaving evil with nothing to trace,
And in these whispers,
Do I know my place,
And where it falls silent,
Do I see your face…”

For a heavy moment he only stared,
Then he tore his eyes from me,
His expression, crude, impoverished 
He leaned against the walls,
His claws scratching the cracked stones
His palms pressed upon them tightly
He was stuck in some personal inferno,
And with ravenous reverie, he turned his head toward the pool
A thick envy pouring into his eyes 
He watched the flowing waters tickle the shores
He knew as much as any if he were to intrude,
Like oil, he would be merely an exclusion
Once again,
Wholly black against the mocking transparency,
And hence wholly separated
 
So instead he turned again and watched me, sourly,
As I cupped water into my hands, 
The moisture of its touch giving me life,
I splashed it upon my face, my eyes opening,
I took my time near the pool, 
Caring for my frame, caring for every part of me,
Remembering the peace that the light has given
Till, cleansed, my garments dried
In the still airs of what prison callously offered

“We seek not the destruction of your soul,
But the amplification of your passions,”
He spoke strongly, with rehearsed confidence
“I have plotted and plotted,
Not against you, but for you
There is no song I would sing,
If it did not reach your ears.
There is no better truth,
Than in your knowing tears
And if you were to release your fears,
Your cool resolve,
I wish you should feel no urge
To cleanse yourself before me
No more should you tolerate it,
To be hauled by your feet,
Forced to look up, with the others,
Merely sheep…
To face his light…and shun your own
With your hands and ankles knotted,
Compelled to crawl out of the night,
With your back towards me
 With your back towards me,
You keep your peace…” 

I felt pain in his unfinished words,
No longer knowing if it was his or my own 
I could see he wished to say more,
His claws retracting against the walls,
Mouth agitating, 
Readied and armored to speak,
Something wild bore into him,
Like a fire groping his insides,
Unable to scorch him fully
But agonizing him ever more…

He collected himself and sung to me softly,
“I am a stranger to you, again, I see,
As you force yourself no more to be with me,
Your dreams tell me more than your mouth could ever utter
Could you even bear yourself to look,
Into my eyes,
To see her within me,
She is what exists permanently in me,
Whom I devour willfully
Who has haunted you for years
You worshipped her, unknowingly,
You cared for me as she possessed you
You tethered and tore your garments for me
Exposing your deepest, grittiest hungers
And now you immerse yourself in that poison
Of truth, fallowing inside of you
All hallowed and holy—
NO!
So that your garments wreak of all that I hate of you!
Can you not bear to create once more? 
To think for your own once more?
Can you fathom such a life,
Free from the predictable firmaments 
Where you can burn alive and free,
Writhing in its newness…” 

His voice fell lower yet ever louder,
“Or have you come to me at last,
To lure me, as I should you?
Do you seek to be level to me then?
How confident, privileged you are, 
To be chosen, righteously willing,
To be the godly representation of the Millennium, 
The martyr maiden dancing with the wily Devil,
Producing light in my only living prides,
Swirling in the rages of my future destiny
Willing to serve and save a lowly demon,
And shame its Lord,
I shan’t be so senseless,
As to believe for one moment,
You have come for self-preservation
For a deeper view, an acumen of my ire
To learn from me,
So you may build your rock higher beside 
Christ who holds you so precious—
You come to caress me, then desert me,
As revenge, as retaliation 
You have come to show me love
Only to take it all away in one feminine swoop
You have come to scream,
To fight as your hopeless grandfather did—
To feel power again, 
To feel alive,
So that you can return from the ugly,
Into the embrace of light,
And somehow, you think, 
With all of your new insight,
That it may shine for you then more bright…”
  
As he sang more and more heavily and hatefully, 
I moved ever toward him,
Wrath coming over me,
I felt it as he smiled inwardly, pausing for me to strike 
Breathlessly awaiting the sting of my blow
Till all that separated us was our very selves,
I inhaled our dissension

“Of all the beats,
Of all the moans, and screeches and screams,
Your heart and all its constituents,  
Sing best to me…
And of all my desires,
Of all I wish to prove to Him,
Your need impedes me
Your fire falters me
But as you cannot take the power of God,
You cannot make me strike you
You cannot make me your instrument
You can play me, 
You can speak to me
But, above all, you cannot be me
So let me show you my purpose, Serpent
Let me give you the truth I know, Dragon
Let me give you your heart back, Prince…
Let me show you who I am, Devil.” 

Copyright © Laura Breidenthal | Year Posted 2017

Long poem by JW Earnings | Details

Liquor of Lament: My Glass is Half Full

Verse 6: I've given up love countless times 
I needed to pay up for my heartbroken crimes
I already repented for my sins that made my high hopes paper-thin
Don't you feel that envy from deep within? 
Searching around, wondering where you've been  
Wander with me in the forest of faith and hear me out if you are all ears
Trying our best to pass the test that we detest 
Innocence clothed us before we lost it all through smiles and tears
Years later, we're still together, even when we rest...even though I act like a pest...
I'm impressed that you dealt with me so easily
I'm a smarter hard worker ever since you set me free
I'm a survivor 
I'm so much wiser
I'm a giver, not a taker 
I'm not a heartbreaker or a forsaker  
I'm a creator of healing grace unlike any other, so much joyful fruit to gather
Positive auras is what I get from the wisdom of our mighty Father

{pre-chorus}
{chorus}

Verse 7: I'm only human, so I'll be making my mistakes
I'm a lonely man, so I'll be praying for chances to belong 
I'm only human, so I'll be drinking the liquor of lament 
I'm a dog without an owner, so I'm writing this sad, yet from-the-heart song 
All my life, I've sharpened the knife of Shame
Shadows consume me and reflections haunt me...my past is a hideous name
My high spirits can't be tamed...I'm not the one to blame...
You came to me, you came to me and gave me wings to break free
In the darkness of my oblivion to illuminate me...
Never exiting this ecstasy next to sea

{pre-chorus}
{chorus}

Verse 8: Closing my eyes for the remedy of rest I've yearned for
Posing like a model next to a camera...snap pictures and explore
You are my drug of delight and I want you more and more 
You picked me off of the filthy floor 
I lay in clouds of regretless love that I covet
I can't get enough of it...so glad we met 
You made me wet with pleasures so swell 
Our kisses and hugs ring a bell...you were a friend that treated me so well
You're my heaven and I'm your hell...you forgave me for being selfish I can tell 
Never should've drank that liquor of lament 
That liquor, liquor, liquor of lament...not broken, just bent 

{pre-chorus}
{chorus}

Verse 9: I made that mistake that I can't undo...
Now I'm left to repent for the wrong I didn't mean to do 
I didn't mean to do
I'll blame it on my luv floo
You made me love you too
How could you?
I said hello to you; but in return, I get a goodbye of rue 
I aimed for the stars, but instead, I hit the moon
Take your time as you and I sing a most familiar tune
We are young in heart still...
Don't you act like a deadly pill...
Stop pulling my heart strings
Your rage is like a bee that stings 
I engage in the sensuality of my soul 
You're my lightingale and my clever tool 
You're the bleak poison that makes me weak
I'm avoiding another glass of fake gladness...I want to be sober and meek 
So, don't speak...
I don't want to hear your prideful greediness
I don't want to hear your madness, your sadness, your lack of progress 
Take all of me if I'm the boy you want 
Take all of me if I'm the boy you need
Take all of me
Take all of me
Before time runs out
Before hope turns to doubt 

{pre-chorus}
{chorus}

Verse 10: Life is card game
Strife won't leave me be 
My wild child heart needs to be tame
Oh I see, you don't love me
Our sex wasn't enough 
I didn't give it to you rough
I tried to act smart and tough
But I'm dealing with some difficult stuff
Take a bite into me
I'm the good apple that's pleasant for the eyes to see
Lick me up and down
I'm the tattoo mark on your skin, 
I'm your lover, your beloved kin...that covers up your sin
I'm the bandaid on your bullet wound of glory
I'm the tourniquet to your broken leg of inability 
You're the seed that planted itself in me 
You're the greed that took away my humble me, you see?

{pre-chorus}
{chorus}

Verse 11: Be considerate and keen for once in your life
Why do your harsh words cut like a jagged knife?
Oh no, I can't hold on to this anger, boiling in my blood 
Oh no, your paradise was spent on someone better than me...what's up with that, bud? 
Pin me down with your heavy load of appealing pleasure beyond measure
No kidding, you are the best compared to the rest that's for sure 
My heads under the surface of hopelessness Your head is in the clouds of solace
What's wrong with that picture?
You don't appreciate the hardships that I endure 
Your loyalty and patience is what I need
Your adoration is beyond sensation...I'm your top-notch weed 

{pre-chorus}
{chorus}

Verse 12: Your magical touch is too much to bear...you're the golden armor I wear
You're the surreal song on the radio - turn it up a hair
Everyone stops and stares at us as we run up the stairs 
You are my dream of reality that I dreamt of During nostalgic nights without you by my side 
You are the white dove of peace and pure love 
Abide by my side, my darling devil...where do you hide? 
Please don't hide...
Take me on a bumpy ride 

{pre-chorus}
{chorus}

Bridge: I'm the valley and you're the mountain
You're the flourishing flowers and I'm the fretful fountain 
You're my muse that rings in my head so true...you're the happy blues 
You're my black and white checkered rose in the field of gracious good news 
The world of woe seems to beat me down 
With mood swings and tragedy that burns on...
I'm a clown, wearing a frown 
I'm the dusk before nightfall and you're the dazzling dawn
I make out with my mesmerizing sunrise right before my eyes,
Right before my eyes, yeah
Reminds me of you on your happy-go-lucky days
I'm sorry that we went our separate ways...oh, our own separate ways 
Now, I'm gulping up liquor of lament 
Liquor, liquor, liquor of lament
A guilt that overflows 
Clearly, my shame shows
The wicked wind surely blows
When you and I express our highs and lows
Ooooh ooooh ooooh...
Ooooh ooooh ooooh...
Our highs and lows
Ooooooh...ooooh...ooh...

(Spoken) You walked out that door
You left me with the one you adore 
You pity yourself, but I ain't buying your product of insecurity
You belittle me with your rebellious spirit of nothing close to empathy 
You're a rebel and a liar 
I'm the hero and a warrior
Don't put a label on me 
Because I will burst in flames of anger and hostility 
I resent the person I've become 
Now, I'm feeling empty and numb 
Catch me as I fall and make me feel whole as well
Attach me to your passionate heart of titanium...can't help but be under your spell

Copyright © JW Earnings | Year Posted 2015

Long poem by Aa Harvey | Details

Within

Within


Play Slipknot’s ‘Snuff’ song four times and use these lyrics:
(Do not use the official video clip. It has more than just the song.)


I still feel your pain within my skin…


Ripping out my heart again,
So I can’t let you in.


Silence only ever hid my truths…


The Book of Life showed us the way;
My fate is up to you…amen.


Never been one to simply move on!
Like to stay in wonderland; all alone!
It still seems to feel like you inside;
All it took was the death of love and suicide.
To find our paradise!
I saw the love within your eyes;
It burnt my soul to say goodbye.


Oh…So now I scream “I’ve changed my mind!”
But apathy has got a grip over me!


Death will surely catch up, eventually…
But if I have you by my side
And I have your love for the rest of time;
Maybe then I can truly say “Goodbye.”


But only once and never again, not in this life!
Happiness has gone from me again!
All I’m left with within my world; is my own pain;
But I never said to you, just what I knew.
Just know I only ever spoke the truth.
I just couldn’t do this to you!
You’re much too weak to take this pain, 
I guess thought the crazy fool.
Oh…But picture me within your heart;
I’ll be your love light in the dark!


Woahh!!


I’ll be the one who cares!
I’ll be the one who is always there!
I’ll be the one you keep within;
I’ll be the one you let within!
I’ll be the one to teach you sin!
If you would only live again…
This bullet has your name on it.


Oh…I’ll bury it within my skin.
I’ll take you deep inside of me!


I’ll open up and I will live again!


PLAY TUNE AGAIN…
PLAY TUNE AGAIN…
PLAY TUNE AGAIN…


Bury me with love within your mind…
Dig me up to play with me, from time to time.
Read what I’m so desperate… to say
I’m older now and people change,
If I hadn’t just walked away…again.


I’d walk straight up to him!
And punch him hard in the face!
Such innocence you have no right to take!
My psychopathic, unstoppable, rage! 
Would have put an end to his days!
But those words I guess I couldn’t say.
I guess you wouldn’t listen to them, anyway.


Oh so shocked that I would let you go!
I hope you know within my heart; you were the one!


But these words that you must never know…
Are truly spoken only to…cleanse my own soul.
Now I know I had to let you go;
I just wanted to tell you that…You are not alone.
Just tell me that you will never go!
Bury me with love and death, deep within your soul.
Know your words are in my heart…
But I could never let you know.
I wouldn’t want to make you cry!
Your tears only ever, made me want to die!
I couldn’t be the one to save your life;
Oh But you will never truly know,
Just how much you have affected mine!!!…


Woahhh!!


The pain I never made you face!
I kept it all deep within.
I buried it deep with you, inside of me;
But I never did find any kind of release.
I guess I just couldn’t let it ever end up like this.
So pity me for all I should have said!
Lay with me once more my love, in our broken bed.
Oh Kiss me deep within your soul of light;
Stay with me and hold me tight!


If you still care I just want you to know…


PLAY TUNE AGAIN…
PLAY TUNE AGAIN…
PLAY TUNE AGAIN…


Together we will surely show this,
This loneliness, its death;
For I will never let you go.
I will only ever walk away.
For I have seen the death of love…
Once more in time, I should…have tried.


But these words of mine,
I guess I just could never say!
I miss you right now my bitter love!
I think of you now and then; sometimes other stuff.
But I want you to know, you are always in my heart.
I never truly left you; but I did depart…
I never told you how I felt.
Oh…I had to leave your broken heart;
But never weep because of me!


Never say…you are unhappy.


You will never be alone,
For you are buried in my soul
And if something I guess I could have changed;
I would have left you to your pain, 
I would still have walked away
And hope to God, I pray! I pray!
That you would only ever have followed me!
My love for you shall never go away.
I feel like I need your love to breathe!


I think I need you!
Trapped inside of me!
I think I saw something in your eyes;
Oh…
I think I saw my paradise, but now I guess I’ll never truly know!


Woaahhh!!!!


I think I’ve hit an all-time low!
So come to me, I’ll embrace you once again!
I’ll speak to you with honesty, my beloved friend;
Let me pay my penance for my sin.
Let me tell your heart and your soul!
That you my love, shall always be kept within.
I keep you safe within my dreams.


Oh I offer shelter to your hurt and pains,
I only ever wanted to let you in!


I only ever wanted to let you in!!!


PLAY TUNE AGAIN…
PLAY TUNE AGAIN… 
PLAY TUNE AGAIN…


So you can truly believe my words when I say…


I will never walk away; 
In the distance I see your faith.


One last time you smiled at me and then…


You walked away then you felt my hand;
Land upon your hand again…


I love you, I always have! 
I just didn’t understand!
But all these words I keep within;
I’ll never hurt you; I’m your friend!
I’m sorry I just couldn’t let you in,
But I believed you would be better off in the end;
If you never saw my face…


Oh if once more I had just walked away;
You would never have read your words and all of this would be a waste!


But if I were to tell you how I really feel…


I’d simply scream at you “This is for real!”
Let’s once more live in sin.


So I can show you my love within…
That you shall always be kept with me, deep within.


So save my soul I need you to care;
I need you more than I need air!
I need your love to set me free;
I need you to become one with me.
I need to tell you I love you my Friend,
I’ll never truly hurt you…not in the end;
I never claimed to be a saint.
Oh in wonderland I love your soul,
It took her death to let me know, I love you so!


Woaahhh!!!


So come be with me or break my hope!
You My Love; I believe You could be the one;
I only tried to be of help,
But you are strong enough to help yourself
And I will pay penance for your pain!
I will not leave, I’m here to stay!
Angels like me fear our souls;


Oh for my love was banished long ago,
If you still care, just know I love you so!

If you still care, just know you are the one!



(C)2013 Aa Harvey. All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © Aa Harvey | Year Posted 2016

Long poem by Teppo Gren | Details

BIO T J GREN PROLOGUE no escape

PROLOGUE
May 1979, Mount Druitt, Sydney, Australia

I was kneeling on the bathroom floor with my head over the toilet bowl. I felt sick. I felt nauseous, but instead of vomit, the only thing that came up was a white mixture of stomach acids combined with dis-solved pills. I felt terrible. The physical discomfort however was nothing compared to the mental hango-ver combined with the emotional state of despair I was feeling. It was only due to the mere fact that the pills I had taken the previous night were not strong enough that I was still alive. I had been a fool to think that heavy drinking combined with a large dose of headache pills would do the trick. It required something stronger, but due to my ignorance I had not acquired any sleeping pills or other stronger med-icine. I kept the stash of headache pills with me only for the purpose of taking them when the time be-came right: when the pain of living my life without love would become unbearable. They would be used to end the misery.

That time had come last night. Now I was feeling the after effects of the failed attempt. I felt worse than I had felt last night; worse than I had ever felt. The reason for this was not the physical distress, nor the mental hangover. It was much worse. After making a serious attempt to take my life, I now realized that I could never do it. The realization made me feel trapped. The only escape I had to get relief from the pain I was feeling was now gone. I was in a dead end trapped and surrounded by massive, dark walls of my mind. There was nowhere to escape. The only future I could see for myself was to continue living with the feeling of loneliness, misery and unworthiness. I had already experienced the torment of despair long enough to know how wretched it felt. And now that was the only future I could see for myself.

I was 23 years old and I was ready to end my life. During the last three years my emotional life had drifted into total turmoil and I was unable to change the course. I didn’t have the one thing I so longed in life: love. Why was it so difficult to find love? Why did I always find myself falling so deeply in love only to be rejected? The more I loved the greater would be the disenchantment and pain.

The continuous unfulfilled yearning for someone to love had taken its toll. It had not only shattered my heart, but it had also crumbled my self-esteem. Without love I felt I had nothing. It had become a fixa-tion: a desperate need without reality. The hopeless devotion had overpowered any sense of sanity caus-ing irrational actions which would only complicate the already unstable behavior: all because of love. What remained was a desolate, lonely solitude within my head: total despair with no escape. How to go forward without hope? How to go forward when nothing else mattered? The future looked dark, if not pitch black. That was the state I was in now, and the only direction I could take was the darkness which surrounded me.

The Olivia Newton-John song “Hopelessly Devoted to You” with words so fitting to describe the thoughts in my mind kept running in my head. This had been my favorite song and my song for her;

	Guess mine is not the first heart broken
	my eyes are not the first to cry
	I’m not the first to know
	there’s just no getting over you

But now there’s nowhere to hide
	since you pushed my love aside
	I’m not in my head
	Hopelessly devoted to you
	Hopelessly devoted to you
	Hopelessly ………

My heart was not broken for the first time. It had been broken many times, be as it may that I was to blame each time for setting myself up for the disappointment. Being an eternal optimist and a romantic soul, with even a glimmer of hope of finding true love I had to pursue that dream. This time around the dream had been shattered and the yearning for her love was so intense that I saw no way of getting over her pushing my love aside. But I had nowhere to go. I knew I no longer had a way out. I was trapped in my head. Hopelessly devoted to her: with no chance to possess her love. Hopelessly devoted and feeling hopelessly lost: hopeless, worthless, undeserving, and unwanted.

Love: such a simple word, such a strong feeling. But why was it so difficult for some? Why did love not come my way? Looking around me I saw loved ones getting together: feeling togetherness, bliss, and happiness. Why not for me? Love: such a powerful sentiment. The power to make or break: fulfill or leave empty: cries of happiness or tears of sadness. Looking around me I saw young love: the excite-ment, the hopefulness, the purity. Why not for me? Love: such a passionate emotion: togetherness or loneliness: acceptance or rejection: tenderness or pain: being loved or left hurting. Looking around me I saw love. Why did I get to experience only the downside of love: loneliness, rejection, pain, heartache, tears?

How did everything go so wrong? How did I mess everything up so completely that I ended up in this state of despair? Everything had been so easy and simple when I was a child, and even the years of my early adolescence went without apparent aberration. The answers lay down deep within my mind. A happy childhood didn’t guarantee a happy life fulfilled with love. Every action has its consequences. We sow the seeds of our future with the actions we take as the actions we take are echoed in our future. It was due to the choices and actions I had made that I now found myself living in a feeling of hopeless-ness. I was the only one to blame. With the mixed state of mind which I was in on that May morning in 1979 little did I know that the continued stupid actions I would take, would make things a lot worse before they would start to get better. I was lost and I had to find myself. The road to finding peace of mind was rocky and long.

SONNET – NO ESCAPE

The freedom of life’s end without escape,
no place to elude the pain of despair.
So close was the notion of a black cape,
darkness to cover existence unfair.
The pain of love far more than life itself,
to bear in hapless sorrow of regret.
Lost in the false sense of my darkest self
tainted minds morbid reflection‘s beset.
Dejected self with mindless thoughts adrift;
no lease of life to feel the next morrow.
I was chosen to live by nature‘s gift
and find freedom from the fear of sorrow.
Restrained by realities painful wrath,
a search begins to find life’s righteous path.


T.J Grén

Copyright © Teppo Gren | Year Posted 2016

Long poem by Russell Banks | Details

Emo Love

With this needle and thread I stitch the wounds Avril left
but with this blade I angrily carve a new
rough, short, jagged adjacent from the bone in my wrist
for a reflection of our relationship
and an outlet for the anger unable to release
Then another upon my neck where she used to sweetly kiss
fresh and clean, letting the blood fall slowly and peacefully
as I fall to chaos on the inside
Blue is the warmest color
the words sting more than the knife I hesitantly hang
above the vein I'm so desperate to cut
How can something so warm become so bitter, so brutal
I search the mirror for answers just to see her face instead
piercing me, mocking me; a bonfire to laugh at a candle
as she disappears in an array of fragments
falling to sleep by the lullaby of the earthquake 
resounding from my fist
Cradling my hand, tossing away the pain
I collapse under the weight of my destruction
a king of night slain by the queen of day
as music, my magician, attempts to revive me
installing hope while simultaneously shrouding me in defeat
How can cupid so small shoot an arrow so mighty
I curse the sky, it's betraying hue
as I pray for night, praying for mercy
falling asleep in the arms of sorrow protecting me...
Where am I
I open bloodshot eyes into fluorescent white, an illusion
my world is pitch black and I can't open my eyes
As I begin to panic, shaking the bars upon my heart
for it to beat once again 
As I begin to panic
beating upon the neurons while screaming, 'STIMULATE! '
As I begin to panic, kicking the glass in my iris to bring forth color
a vibrant world in contrast to the island of grey 
I persist to escape
a calmness washes over me
a calm voice whispers so eloquently to me
'Hush thou art deceived
come, follow the sound of my voice; come to me'
Is this angel sent to guide me into a peaceful forever slumber
or is she a temptress so beautiful I die at first sight
She said I am deceived
deceived by what, by who; I must know
'Hush thou art deceived
come, follow the sound of my voice; come to me'
That milky, honey echo so familiar
so tantalizing, tangible; the feeling of invincibility to follow
'Hush thou art deceived
come, follow the sound of my voice; come to me'
That sound, that voice bouncing off the walls of my dreams
I burst through to find a coffee shop
teeming with no one but me 
Then, like a miracle of air, there the voice beholds a face
a captivating beauty so perfect
Her hair, a halo of pink lost in a maze of fields painted black
Her eyes, twins pools of green, the most amazing I've ever seen
that no words give release as I make my attempt to speak
My mouth gains dust as my jaws begin to rust shut
Then she smiles
her cheeks produce dimples, her nose slightly scrunching
yet it's still enough to make me melt
me, now a puddle within my shoes
She giggles and lifts me up
I without a fuss as she sweeps me up in a hug
With a voice to make Aphrodite jealous she whispers softly
'Hush thou art deceived, you are not in love with me
but I in love with you so here take my hand
I'll show you my world if I can to see if you understand'
Puzzled I take her hand but I still don't understand
my breath won't resurrect so I save the rest
as she pokes my chest
for her to hear me breathlessly ask her name
She takes a step back with a small little laugh
she grabs my hand as I realize where I stand
Stunned and amazed I turn to run
but the sight of a whale shakes me to the core
the same frequency as I shake her
shouting, 'WHY ARE WE ON THE OCEAN FLOOR? ! '
With a playful smile, she bothered to ask
'You've made castles by the shore, no? 
I know that we are more so let's make castles on the floor'
With a gleeful jump, she began to work
as my panic turns to curiosity, shaking my head in disbelief
I join in, my mind in a tailspin
I have a whirlwind of questions but they blow over with the ocean tide
as she regails her tale of the other side
a world unfamiliar yet she gains my intrigue 
with stories I can't compete
Though silently I beg the question 
How am I deceived, this feels right to me
How can this be wrong with her bright smile bringing me back to life
She looks up at the wrong time, aware I'm elsewhere
runs and jumps into my arms
placing a phantom kiss upon my lips
a stone fortress under siege by vulnerability
With a phantom kiss I return to her realm
amidst her question hanging in the air, 'Is anything amiss? '
I reply with a smile and a shake of my head
asking for a simple change of scenery 
I have a request but it goes unheard
a mouse on Christmas night; though I shake with slight fright
as she gets my request just right
I sprawl out on the grass, the night sky spread out
a cluster of piercings mapping out my former source of glory
now the orchestrator of my misery
I wince with sudden grief, shedding tears of pain thought renounced
pausing only to find the object of my current affection
eyes brilliant pearls, mimicking the stars stoic beauty
perched upon my lap; staring at me intently, intensely
and without words asking who has wronged me so
With words I cannot bear to voice that name
so I pull her into my embrace
her gaze away from the image of me, clutching what ails me in my hand
till my knuckles turn white as snow then I let go
letting the memory fade so I know it's true
And with a sudden moment I look her square in the eyes
for love is all I have inside
as I ask her to sprout wings of butterflies with me
black as a panther mixed with red of passion for me
a costume of gold with a pink lining for her
for she's perfect beyond reason
I ask her to fly away with me to a galaxy outside the milky way
Sadness in her eyes, she denies
placing her finger upon my heart as she cries
reviving my stilled heartbeat...
Was it a dream or just my escape as my eyes flicker wide
welcoming a world I don't recognize
I try to sit up but I fall back
a heavy sigh to escape my thoughts, 'Where is she'
Like an owl, my head spins in a circle just to locate her presence
but like a ghost arises her voice in my conscious
'Hush thou art deceived for I lied
you are in love with me and I in love with you 
but we can only exist in your dreams'
I know I should've savored every moment
but what happens when every moment was an illusion
to everyone, everyone but you

Copyright © Russell Banks | Year Posted 2016

Long poem by Elisa Christensen | Details

The Inner Chamber

THE INNER CHAMBER

Please.  Stop holding back on me.

Like a child standing at the neighborhood ice cream truck, arm outstretched, eyes huge, mouth watering.

I stand here longing to slip underneath your decades of cold-rolled steel armor and touch the real you.

Your soft underbelly where your greatest fears run amuck through your darkest worlds. 
 
Where you hide the monsters you are sure will send me screaming, 
Stuck deeply with their sharpest swords, 
A trail of blood decorating my getaway.
?Where you go to revisit the smell of your newborn’s head and 
The sound of the thousand “I love you’s” that have decorated 
Your heart, like a high ranking general.

His bright, glistening medals lining his proud Chest
Just as your children’s “I love you’s” decorate your soft, gooey middle core, 
That part of you no one else gets to see.

To open these innermost, secret chambers, 
Would be to allow another warrior into your most private sanctuary.

The space where you lay down your weapons, 
Remove your many layers of armor.

I get that.  It’s a most dangerous proposal.
One you haven’t had much luck with in your past.

I understand that when the elixir of youth’s innocence,
Formed a rosy gauze over your insight, 
And your understanding of how your species really works-

You allowed a few in.
I know what they did,

Betrayals scattered across 
Your sacred sanctuary,
Littering the once pristine floors,
That you initially built.
 
Floors that were not lacking in any way-
From the purest white ideals,
The hopes and impossible delusions,
That a teen bride imbibes as she
Sweetly dreams of her white wedding day.

While your armor may be a suitable deterrent for most, 
I can see it is transparent in some places.
Worn thin from years of overuse.

You should know that.

Through these unintended, accidental windows,
I can see what lies there.
Multiple masses of thick scar tissue where-
The injury of betrayal and the loss of innocence 
Played out like a well-executed horror film,
Leading you to absolute conviction concerning 
The danger such risks can afford.

Should I ever be the very rare, honored guest, 
Chosen to visit you there,
I can’t promise you that I won’t ever
Pull a shank from my pinions and consider
Hacking at your soft underbelly.

I could probably even get a few small
Yet effective weapons past your metal detectors, 
Your multiple teams of soldiers standing guard.
But would I?  Would I pose that danger?

I’ve seen how we can dissolve 
Into tattered, faded copies of ourselves 
Marked with coffee rings and ink spills.

Our most evil versions of ourselves taking over
Like the energy vampires who manipulate 
Every conversation and exhaust all those around them.

I cannot say to you that I have never attacked
With both barrels blazing,
After sustaining a life-threatening blow
From your finest canons.

You know that I have.

While certainly not my proudest moments,
I cannot promise that I, 
In all my medieval humanness and imperfections,
Could rise above my own scars and 
Open wounds and turn to face you,
With my finest intentions displayed proudly 
Like the white feathers of a great owl.

When the salt is still burning through
The wounds that we both knew 
Would probably not ever heal, 
Due to the unexpected, additional attacks 
They have been pummeled with--

When our shadow people join forces to
Show us just how ugly we really can be--
When my own fears and pain from
My own scar tissue turns me into someone
I’d avoid at all costs in a dark alley--

How can I promise you complete safety?
How could I ever be truthful in saying
I could never hurt you,
That I would never consider smuggling in
A small shank intended for your underbelly?

Am I any better, any more kind, less sinister?
Than the black clothed, face painted, stealth ninjas
That snuck in before me?

Littering your inner chamber with blood stains,
Chunks of flesh sliced away with razor sharp swords,
With words that should never have formed
On the lips of anyone who also tumbled forth
“I love you?”

I can’t.  I cannot promise you my visit there, 
Should I ever be permitted into your sacred space,
Will be one of godly like goodness
Devoid of human insecurity, self absorption
And crippling imperfections.

I honestly cannot give you that.
Even as much as I want to.

What I can give you is a broken, imperfect person,
Who at least understands the delicacies of 
?Such an important journey into that sacred space.
A person who recognizes this space of yours,
As truly sacred.

A person who will respectfully take off her shoes,
Not trample the few square feet of soft, 
White carpet that has yet to be stained with your blood.

The lifeblood that the very ones,
You chose to love, and who promised only 
To love and protect you,
Went before me and carelessly, 
Sometimes wits the most frightening and shocking intentions,
Boldly splattered from your tender heart,
Across your white carpet, once so pure and clean. 

I can only promise that my goal here 
Is and never will be to cut you open any deeper.

I can only promise that I will keep this in mind,
Before I go forward and knock once again,
Upon your tightly sealed, inner chamber door.
The one you’ve outfitted with five, impossible deadbolts.

I can only promise that I will bring--
A satchel of tenderness.
A backpack filled with understanding,
Patience and genuine love. 
And hopefully,
If I can fit it in, 
A little, true selflessness.

And should I pack all of this for my journey,
There won’t be any room for my weapons.

So please, when I knock on that door,
Don’t greet me with a long, cold, 
Terrorizing glance down the barrel of one of your biggest guns.

Realize I come in peace, unarmed.
Recognize and acknowledge the white flag
I hold high out in front of me.

Hoping just to know you.
To love you.
To lounge in bliss within your warm, sweet chamber.
Your sanctuary.
And finally get the chance to meet the real you.










































																	










Copyright © Elisa Christensen | Year Posted 2016

Long poem by Greg Barden | Details

Fairer, Indeed

WOMEN ...

Truly amaze me ...
They possess the super-human

Strength to birth a child - one of
The most painful and demanding
Feats of endurance known to our
Species - yet they have the
Self-confidence to be meek and

Tender, with the gentle and sweet
Fortitude needed for motherhood ...
They have the extraordinary insight
To look into your eyes and know
What you're feeling ... they can be

Completely confident in who they
Are, and yet totally vulnerable in
Who they want to be ... they can
Have the strength of ten men in
Bearing young, and the sexuality to

Bring a hundred men to their knees ...
They are at one moment the most
Simple creatures in their need for
Love, and at the next so complicated
That they are unfathomable ...

They can be the most loving and
Accepting people you've ever
Known, or the most frighteningly
Fierce and formidable foes
Imaginable ... they can lay bare

Their soul before you and give it
Up with passion, or build walls so
Strong that nothing but time can
Bring them down ... they can let
You believe, in their confidence,

That you are the strongest being
Alive, or remind you that the very
Fires of Hell are at their beck-and-call ...
They are EACH and ALL an amazing
Creation of utter perfection and

Grace, and like brittle snowflakes,
Uniquely wondrous and different
In every way, at one moment a
Mystery beyond comprehension,
And at the next, the most delightfully

Familiar soul you've ever encountered ...
Their tears flow as freely as their
Laughter, and they are as spiritual as
They are sensible ... they measure
Their own elegance by how they

Feel INSIDE ... about themselves.
They are at once outspoken and
Demure ... they may need to be
Held and told everything will be
Alright, or they may need to take

The lead and be honored ... they
May want to hear about your
Wildest dreams, or need you to
Really LISTEN to how they feel ...
They may want YOU to take control

And show them your deepest desires,
Or they may need to have their
Every wish fulfilled ... they may want
You to be endlessly mysterious, then
Lay bare your broken spirit on the

Altar of their passion. A woman may
Want to look perfect, with every hair
And detail in place, or she may run wild
Through the rain ... she may share the
Fires of her deepest lust and desires,

Or she may make you feel the cold
Regard of her wrath ... she may want
You to be firm and forward, and then
Desire only tenderness and care ...
She may cry at your funniest joke,

Or laugh at your saddest story, and
Expect you to understand ... she
May howl at the moon in madness,
Yet require you to keep her sane ...
She may endear you with her ferocity,

Then frighten you with her kindness.
She may love you more in her anger
Than she ever could in her joy, or
Adore you for your carelessness,
Yet despise you for your attention.

A woman is the perfect vessel and
The ultimate contradiction, on
The pedestal one moment, and
At your feet the next. Their bodies
Are warm and cold, salty and sweet,

Rough and smooth, with hidden
Wonders and responses all their own,
First trembling at your lightest touch,
Then needing the firm press of flesh,
Every soft inch a sublime adventure,

Every subtle curve a joy ... but
Their minds are keen and as
Sharp-edged as any razor ... they
Can cut you with their words and
Their stare, then leave you bleeding ...

They are elation and anger, vigor
And vulnerability, coyness and
Carnality ... in a moment they
Can drag you through hell, or carry
You to heaven ... they can be angel

Or demon, mother or daughter,
Temptress or torturer ... they can
Make you the king of their heart,
Or remind you of your absolute
Insignificance ... they are told from

Birth that they are inferior to men -
Weaker, softer, more fragile - yet
Despite that they are more determined,
More durable, more wise, more
Diligent, more deft, more caring,

More tenacious, more hard-working,
And more intuitive, than most three
Men put together ... they can be
Great moms or be great boxers ...
They can be successful professionals

Or stay-at-home wives, they can
Do most jobs as well as any man,
And do a hundred other things that
Many men are never even taught!
They can teach, fight, love, paint,

Play drums, be weightlifters,
Ballerinas, truck drivers, nurses,
Army sergeants, cooks, seamstresses,
Basketball players, florists, pharmacists,
Doctors, lawyers ... women can

Wear dresses or they can wear work
Pants, they can wear toe shoes or
They can wear hockey skates,
They can wear ponytails or they
Can wear hard hats, they can wear

Steel-toed boots or they can wear
Stilettos, they can wear overalls
Or miniskirts. I believe that one
Of the primary reasons that they
Have been marginalized for so

Many centuries, is that men knew
That if women ever DID start doing
The things that men have always done,
Everyone would find out that women
Were BETTER at 99% of those things,

And would start demanding equal pay
And equal rights! That is starting to
Come to pass, and I think it scares
Many men ... women are told their
Whole lives what they CAN'T do, yet

They spend their whole lives doing
Things that many men are incapable
Of, things that men don't care to
Do or want to do or have to do ...
Men are intent on making a living,

Yet women are what we live FOR ...
Women have forever lived in the
Shadow of men, but men would
HAVE no shadow without the
Sunlight that women shine on our

Lives ... if Woman really WAS made
After Man, it's because the Creator
Didn't get human beings right the
First time, and perfected the species
With the female version ... and most

Of all, no matter how much you
Learn about them, or how much
You may know of all these things
I've touched on, or how much you
Listen and absorb what they tell

You about themselves, you will
Never, ever, EVER, understand them ...
Yet there is absolutely NOTHING in
Heaven or earth, that is as wonderfully
Sexy and sublime, entertaining and

Enticing, intently intense, or
Imperfectly perfect, as ...

WOMEN. <3

Copyright © Greg Barden | Year Posted 2017

Long poem by Gerald Dillenbeck | Details

Climates of Ballistic Management

Senator Fuller,
a permaculture designer
turned architect of exterior landscapes
then public sector architect
of EarthShip cooperative interior landscapes,
is with us today
to tell us about why he supports Sanders,
at this point in time,
although he is making no commitments about tomorrow.

Welcome Senator,
always good to share your day.

Well, thanks again for having this sometimes tangential Plan B
back for another swing and plug
for supporting Cooperative Community Economic Development, 
locally, in your own climaxing,
or not-so-much wanna-be climaxing community,
through your own time and money, if you have any,
and most folks who get to be up about my age have some
that we might not need right away,

but also supporting Cooperative CED nationally,
through federal economic 
and political policies,
support using WinWin-transparent policy development procedures
as permaculture design's eco-logical 
health and sustainable-safety standards.

ReGenerative Security Standards 
seem to define themselves 
by first developing an inclusive-co-operative trend 
of positive-nutrient polycultural perpetual slow growth 
gradually merging into economic and political health and sustainability, 
both Interior/Ego and Exterior/Eco Landscapes.

Community Economic Therapy is positively intended OVER negative-distended 
Tipping Point discernment procedures,
which would also be useful for global ecological-climate issue framing
and positive polycultural dialectic landscape discernment
of local thru global health-trends,
and cooperative public resonance-optimization resolution,
with WinWin outcome structural-procedural defaults.

Senator, there might be one or two people in our listening audience
not so much interested in the math and science and binary technology
paradigms of systemic-temporal thought,
perhaps you could say more about
how you got excited about Community Economic Development
as a model for optimizing health and safety outcomes
in the public sector,
or private sector,
whichever way you want to go with that.

Sure.
Let's see,
perhaps we could walk down Bucky Fuller's creation story
for a bit,
which is more or less my own story too,
with Bucky at birth and side
talking, talking in endless strings of language
that sounded rich and good
but perhaps overly defined and deviantly speciated
to achieve fuller diastatic enculturation outcomes.

Imagine evolution invests positively
in a cooperatively therapeutic journey.
Somewhat restrained if you are polypathing yourself
into an echoing silo,
even if your own Ego emerges
contentedly destined for a PolyCultural (0)Multisystemic DenseHealth Point,
very much like a Janus bright enlightened ecoconsciousness revolutionary
transmillennial tipping point face 
looking back in time to our dense TransParent Cosmological Black Hole.

Ummm. Excuse me, Senator, 
maybe it would be better to veer away from cosmology
or any paradigm that might speak of science or,
much worse,
math.
I have ratings to consider.

Well, evolution is not just about nature and science 
and the physical universe,
or at least I think that's where I was heading,
into Bucky's evolution of his Interior Space
as Plan B-Atman,
holonic of Plan A-TimePrime 
CoOperative 
BiLateral 
Diastatic 
Timeless Eco Relationship.

If evolution is an investment in a cooperative journey
toward a shared destiny of health and safety,
then evolution is about cooperative (0)-centric interest transactional ecotherapeutic economics and politics of conscience,
but also about who and what we eat
and don't eat,
who and what we love
and who and what we are angry about and/or terrified of,
instead of being accessibly CoPresent love 
becoming EarthShip TransParent CoPresent Time. 

Bucky's comprehensive consciousness 
speaks to synergetic purpose of integrative evolution,
to relearn,
as a global DNA-encultured species, 
evolving through positive deviant outlyer polypathic individuals,
we already are the healthiest cooperative economy
of co-gravitational synergetic positive relationships,
permaculturally-potentiated as reiterative bicameral communication strings
of perennial nature/nurture memory cycles,
heading toward ever-more comprehensive predictive power
to harvest positive-nutrient enculturing eco-consciousness
within [concave (-,-) dipolar coarising function] as without [cogravitational thermodynamic balance of Earth's DNA/RNA dark/light down/up fractal syntax for cold/warm neural appositional codex,
speaking the negative trends of angry past and future fear Becoming
surrounding LovePeace Positive Present CoPresent Being.

Oops, there we go again, 
just when I thought we were heading toward
how to restructure our political economy 
to cooperate more nutritiously toward healthy diastasis
and warm Beloved Communities
of heaven on Earth,
I start hearing about iconic frequencies of RNA
and other regenerative issues and concerns
not easily or lightly shared.
Senator, it sounds like your own journey
has been influenced by Taoism
and you read Bucky through that way of
comprehending Time's BiLateral Way.

That's fair;
I certainly do that,
but doesn't everybody?

Doesn't everyone do what, exactly,
Senator?

Doesn't everyone absorb positive nutrients
to optimize the regenerative pulse of time
incarnating within anthrocentric bicameral
mindbodies,
plotting and planning,
designing and developing,
economic and political optimization strategies,
husbandry and parenting,
agricultural scientific research,
eco-parasitic DNA-syntaxed 
as individuated co-arising identity
within Earth as Benign (0)-Centric Host
of Heaven's Divine Bounty
as informed Earth,
as Elational Time,
BiFolding Ballistic Past 
to Ecofold FutureBallast Prime Relationships
of ReGenerative Health and Wealth?

Honestly, Senator, at the moment
I couldn't say
whether anyone has ever done that,
but apparently you have,
and please know we are all
Occupying EcoBodhisattva PolyCultural Warrior Space
with you.

Preciate, Sister Glory.

Elate, Brother Fuller.












.

Copyright © Gerald Dillenbeck | Year Posted 2016

Long poem by Gerald Dillenbeck | Details

Watering Terror

I'm so confused,
raised to believe cooperative love overpowers competing fears
about scarcity of time, 
and other resources,
and anger about past over- and under-valuing of myself
as a regenerative resource,
Presence
Source,
raised to believe the Golden Rule
is most effectively applied to all life,
as cooperative ecologically regenerative potential,
I don't see how it could be OK
to run a national political campaign
assuming I will confuse the taking of life for nutritional needs
as less just than the taking of life for punishment and retributive needs,
death-debt owed for death-taken,
as if it were possible to kill
disenculturing clans of terrorists
repeatedly
for each and every innocent life taken
with such unholy cynicism as anti-life hopeless degenerates.

I find this violence-begets-violence nowhere else
in any ecosystem,
anything that could possibly be called a sustainable system,
in any form of nature,
other than humane nature as de-natured humanity.

However, now that I think of it,
perhaps we do see something of its kind
in diseased and over-crowded populations,
literally eating their young.

We often call this "rabidity",
as individuals,
families,
tribes,
swarming in a monocultural snarl,
turn on each other
begin unprovoked cannibalism,
prey on each other,
perhaps as a form of punishment or retribution
for past angers and fears only these terrorist champions of chaos
can see
and feel;
a mounting prescient culture of mutual disregard and antipathy,
immunity,
trending toward Lose-Lose sociopolitical economic and ecological
outcomes.

Still,
is it wise to sanction violence to be perpetrated by others
on our behalf,
at any scale,
for any reason?
How is abuse and neglect of death-producing miscreants
not hypocritical
for a person who believes in the power of cooperative love
as a more effective Golden Rule 
than "Beat Others down before they Win more than you"?
Does this intend to include anything but monocultural AnthroCentric overcrowding, more violence, 
more dissonance, 
trending toward decomposition of all Earth's systems?

Am I to invest
or disinvest
in a competing human race
or a humanizing regenerate space and time?
Or, is it something MidWay between,
sometimes competing anger and fear might be Teachers,
I suppose,
although still not the best choice-makers.
Perhaps we could leave cooperative balancing
of Tipping Point decomposition 
and analysis of therapeutic/toxic trends,
within exclusive charge of CoArising Love as Golden Rule choice-making;
choosing whether or not to disinvest in regenerative health potential values of a life,
or a biosystem,
an ecosystem,
to optimally invest in Earth's regenerating health and vitality.

Yet, Earth does not necessarily
always and at all times,
water humane flowers
to starve the weeds.
More often, weeds starve flowers of water
as Crusading Christians starved diversity of intelligence
through violent ex-communication.

So, if these interdependently organic
cooperating relationships
between and within individuals,
families of weeds,
tribes of flowers,
nations and planets,
and the ecobalance of co-arising space with time
are what we seem to love,
then why do we suboptimize with Win-Lose economic and political choices
to compete with each other
for livelihood
sense of vocational value,
for power to declare war on each other,
the right to abuse and neglect and ex-communicate each other,
as if Earth's evolutionary journey
is not historically rooted
in cooperative regenerate enculturation,
as any of life's surviving cells
could quickly attest,
even under threat of ex-communication.

It is difficult for me to find any faith
or even hope
in the belief that Earth produced this humanizing race
toward degenerating dissonance
and overly-competitive Win to Lose strategies
of Left-brain cultural and language
and political and economic
dominance.

It feels less confusing to me
to comprehend we are ecoconsciously co-loving each other
in a rapidly overpopulating monocultural species
with humane researching and incubating
emergently embryonic cooperative aspirations
to optimize WorldWide Win-Win ecosystemic networks,
to balance Left with Right mindbody co-mentoring intelligence,
harmonizing all our bicameral systemic information,
issuing inductive from Heaven's TransParent Cloud
and deductive from Earth's RNA icons 
of recreating intelligence,
form with nondual co-arising cooperative function,
noun as verb,
poly-goal as perma-path,
and harmonic-octave frequencies 
in 4-square Prime Sequential Relationship,
both Time's co-gravitating with Space's thermodynamic balance,
Yang OVER yin-squared = c-squared ecoconsciousness
of Universal TransParent (0) Metric Light Balance.

Perhaps, then, it is less confusing to me
to think about how to invest more wisely
in non-violent empathy of Basic Attendance
to notice and listen with still-centered mindbody,
empathically absorbing claustrophobic fear and anger
saturating toxic terror that my life,
therefore your life,
has no ego-intrinsic value
because LeftEgo is too dissonantly dominant
over Right EcoEarth Regenerational Analogic
CoEmpathic Arising Function,
so my death, therefore your death,
has no Earth-intrinsic regenerative value or disvalue.

From this position
I cannot see Allah as ReGenerator Power and Flow,
Form with NatureFunction,
Love with Synergetic Intent,
TransParent Empathic Elational Present
Concave HomePlace within Convex healthCulture
through Time's bilaterally co-gravitating eco-normative lens.

How is any directive to starve and/or neglect and/or kill
not what Christians have known as ex-communication
unto decomposition?
Dissonance struggling against dissonance,
when we could choose to emerge mutually-resonant regenerators,
re-communicative poly-empathic optimizers,
co-mentoring Earth-regenerate soil
reforesting our rivers for clean water,
repurposing mutual immunity
as mutual subsidiarity within 
Earth,
EcoTribe,
RNA/DNA solidarity.
These three held together into perpetuity,
Earth Tribal ReSolution.

Copyright © Gerald Dillenbeck | Year Posted 2015

Long Poems