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Rio Jansen | + Follow Poet |
Limerick | + Fav Poem | Comment | Email | Print |

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Bunch of limericks and other funny tricks II

I hate it when a girl rolls her eyes,
because that means she's on to my lies.
And then it's harder to get her
to let me under her sweater,
and then on to the ultimate prize.
I never once said that you were fat.
I'd never be as nasty as that.
I think you’re a real cutey.
I just adore your booty.
But look ~ you're tummy ain't all that flat!

So yes, I would much rather than not
take a good, hard look at what you've got.
And if you've got too little,
I might be noncommittal.
But surely not if you've got a lot.
Is that Taylor Swift?
I thought it was a truck with bad gear shift.
Naw, I'm just joking.
It's just a little fun I'm poking
at a girl by whom I got stiffed.

During a wild game of strip poker
she teased a guy trying to poke her,
“The rules of the game are such,
you can look, but you can't touch! ~
unless you slip me that there joker.”
Sinbad, that wealth-squandering sailor,
sorely needed an expert tailor.
His pants had ripped at the crotch,
which bothered him very much,
cuz his crew could see his wassailer.

The game host asked the tense entrants, "Please.
Tell me, whose delicious breasts are these?"
The winner blithely jumped up,
and, handed the Best Chef's cup,
yelled, “Mine, and so good with melty cheese."
Couldn't see her forest for her trees.
Couldn't see her knickers for her knees.
Couldn't see the lightning of her thunder, 
No! Nothing of her top nor nothing from down under ~
though I pleaded, "Show it to me ~ please!"

When a collie sheds, there's much to do ~
hair on the rug, and all over you.
It sure can overwhelm a little ~
that sea of hair, with you in the middle.
And the dog? He don't give a fiddle!
My doggy sure does love his lassie.
Together, they can act so classy.
When he smacks his lips,
she'll wiggle her hips,
and then he'll turn to sniff her assy.

He lifts his leg. Not a drop of pee!
For Bix, it's marking try #twenty-three.
By now, his bladder is plum dry,
but that won't stop this little guy.
Mass marking is in his pedigree.
Oxygen, hydrogen ~ one on two ~
that's what these two gases tend to do.
And just to be funny, ha, ha, ha ~
they form a perfect mãnage ã trois,
to make water for me and for you.

I sure miss the old halcyon days.
They were so great in so many ways ~
not like these dog days of summer ~
that make people dumber and dumber.
Please. Pass the catsup ~ and mayonnaise.
Because of the very hot weather,
lovers should skip sleeping together.
The rubbing of very dry feet
on a combustible bed sheet
might cause a fiery coming together.

We're two of the world's hottest lovers.
We heat things up under the covers.
We play games ~ from zoomy to reeps,
and don't care if anyone peeps ~
though he who does ~ seldom recovers.
I once knew a charmer named Nancy,
who was a pro at necromancy.
She'd conjure up the ghost,
you'd wanna see the most,
and make 'em do a song and dancy.

I find it so effervescent
that you let me explore your fertile crescent.
I know ~ my requests are incessant ~
I'm such a total adolescent.  
But thanks for being so acquiescent.
"No, no, no, no, no!"
said the bawd to the beau.
"You may be better looking,
but that don't mean I'm cooking,
or doing dishes ten days in a row.

You know, I was never that impressed
by the way that prim emperor dressed.
So you can just suppose ~
when he dropped in, sans clothes, 
that's frankly when I liked him the best.
There was a lass from the Isle of Man
voted to have Man’s sexiest can
by the blokes who daily would stare
at her near perfect derriere
and fantasize finding pleasure there.

Of the festival of "Peace and Love,"
I had very quickly had enough,
after a drunk Jacques de Bere
barfed his dinner on my hair,
and Two Ton Tess ripped her panties off.
Be careful when you go to Crete.
The cops there aren't any too sweet.
Hell, they'll even give you a ticket,
if you buy an ice cream and lick it
on the wrong side of the street.

I asked her if she wanted to go.
She said, "To where?" I said, “I don't know.”
She said, Wow, that’s really wild!
Ever since I was a child 
that's where I longed to go ~ how'd you know?”
I know an Obi-Wan Kenobi,
an English teacher from Nairobi,
where he lives with his young wife
and two twins, who are his life:
one's named Dick ~ the other one Moby.

Jill and I don't speak in many words.
We tend to communicate like birds.
In zany tweets and wacky twitter,
she teases me, whereas I kid her,
in fab fields of sillies and absurds.
Each time I hear Hark, the angel, sing,
I think "Wow, what an amazing thing!"
Hark can as thunderously bellow
as any other show biz fellow, 
and knock off her socks and everything.

I can’t believe this guy!
He just tried to pick the apple of my eye!
I said, "Are you serious?
You think she would want you? That's hilarious!”
Two weeks later, guess who I saw walking by.
This inn serves water from toilet to tap.
Surprise! It doesn't taste a bit like crap.
We cleanse our water till it's as pure
as freshest spring water, that's for sure.
So, why are you holding your nose, old chap?

She was such a delectable dish!
She said, “I’ll see you around 8-ish?”
So I rang the bell on her door,
a good fifteen minutes before,
cuz I didn't wanna be late-ish.
If there was ever a time for now,
it looks to me you missed it somehow.
Although, I'm sure I did mention ~
you'd best be paying attention.
Or is that now ~ what you'll disavow.

Let our bygones be bygones, my dear.
And let's quaff the last of this beer.
And while the old moon gapes,
let's traipse like some wild apes,
haply into a phosphorous New Year.
I once heard a small girl in Cuba
play sweet sounds on this big-ass tuba.
The way she played that thing,
made every birdy sing
from Havana clear to Aruba.

The danger in your vicinity
was alluring femininity.
And thoughts that jumped into my head,
I had to quickly put to bed
for fear of the Holy Trinity.
Sometimes, bad verse creeps into my brain,
and echoes there like a sick refrain.
And when I beg it to please go,
it often flatly says, "Hell no,"
and willfully decides to remain.

I asked, "Can you do me a favor?"
She joked, "Of what kind, of what flavor?"
I said, "What you got to offer?"
She said, "Peek inside my coffer ~
and grab anything you might savor."
As green, young grunts in the Marines ~ we
near lost the battle of New Orleans,
cuz we all got diarrhea,
eating gator skin tortilla,
and two bowls of Cajun pork and beans.

My day started out so serenely.
And then she did something so meanly ~
which differs from doing something mean ~
which, of course, can easily be seen
by those who've studied grammar keenly.
I once knew a young man from Brazil
who could bend any gal to his will.
Heck, he'd even saw them in half,
and watch the crowd nervously laugh,
bracing for the blood about to spill.

Copyright © Rio Jansen | Year Posted 2025

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