Bunch of limericks and other funny tricks II

I hate it when a girl rolls her eyes, because that means she's on to my lies. And then it's harder to get her to let me under her sweater, and then on to the ultimate prize. When Jill and I vowed to go all the way, we were both very excited, I'd say. Till we got to the road less taken, where we were both a little shaken. Should we do Paree? Or just do Marseilles? I'm a real pragmatist through and through. So when she asked, "How'd you like to screw?" ~ I said, "Show me the plan. What do you expect from a man? And what can a man expect from you?” I once had a neighbor named Rosco, who did all his shopping at Cosco. It's where he met his first wife, who really cheapened his life, running off with his best friend, Bosco. I never once said that you were fat. I'd never be as nasty as that. I think you’re a real cutey. I just adore your booty. But look ~ you're tummy ain't all that flat! Is that Taylor Swift? I thought it was a truck with bad gear shift. Naw, I'm just joking. It's just a little fun I'm poking at a girl by whom I got stiffed. When they questioned me that fateful day, I said, “Please! I got nothing to say!” "But you're our only eyewitness!" “Oh yeah? But I was scared sh-tless, so I was looking the other way!” So yes, I would much rather than not take a good, hard look at what you've got. And if you've got too little, I might be noncommittal. But surely not if you've got a lot. Ever wonder what it was like ~ for Hans to shove his finger up that dike, and prevent her roily spillage from inundating his village, and drowning each gent, biddy ~ and tyke? I went to my mother to ask it, "Am I going to hell in a handbasket?" She answered, "No, no, no, dear Chip, you're going there in a rocket ship ~ for not doing chores when I task it. Went to Lourdes to see if it could heal my totally broken sex appeal. Some old nuns glared at me askance, but when a girl asked me to dance, I knew for sure. This place was for real! There was a small boy from Nantucket who plunged into a Honey Bucket. A man, happening to walk by, ran to help out the little guy, saying, "That sure was some bad luck, kid." During a wild game of strip poker she teased a guy trying to poke her, “The rules of the game are such, you can look, but you can't touch! ~ unless you slip me that there joker.” The one who savagely broke my heart swallowed a balloon, then blew apart. And though it was only a dream, and as unreal as it may seem, it made my day great ~ right from the start. I knew this sixth-grade punk from Venice, who pretended to be a menace. To any kid who dared criticize, he'd say, "Watch it. I'll gauge out your eyes, and then use 'em for table tennis. Sinbad, that wealth-squandering sailor, sorely needed an expert tailor. His pants had ripped at the crotch, which bothered him very much, cuz his crew could see his wassailer. Cruising in her Hyundai Sonata, listening to a Bach cantata, she killed the overhead light and mused, “For dinner tonight, I'd love your twelve-inch enchilada.” Driving home with her best friend, Paco, a studly guy born in Morocco, she said, turning left at the light, know what I'm hankering for tonight? A hot sausage in a warm a taco." The game host asked the tense entrants, "Please. Tell me, whose delicious breasts are these?" The winner blithely jumped up, and, handed the "Best Chef" cup, yelled, “Mine, and so good with melty cheese." Can you believe what she said to me? That I'm the true king of pervidy. Oh, wow! That's a snazzy word ~ one that I ain't ever heard. Could you maybe define it for me? I once knew a charmer named Nancy, who was a pro at necromancy. She'd conjure up the ghost, you'd wanna see the most, and make 'em do a song and dancy. If, when I'm dead, they'd cut open my head and take a long peak at my brain, they'd immediately see that it's them and not me who went plumb crazy and completely insane. The old tree on which I carved your name? ~ during last week's windstorm, down it came. That staunch, indomitable oak, that saw you prod and watched me poke, is firewood now, ready for the flame. Couldn't see her forest for her trees. Couldn't see her knickers for her knees. Couldn't see the lightning of her thunder, No! Nothing of her top nor nothing from down under ~ though I pleaded, "Show it to me ~ please!" Wonder how Meg's doing in heaven. Still going to 7-11 for her daily bag of chips, and wax balm for her dry lips, and stuff for her bourbons and seven? When a collie sheds, there's much to do ~ hair on the rug, and all over you. It sure can overwhelm a little ~ that sea of hair, with you in the middle. And the dog? He don't give a fiddle! We're two of the world's hottest lovers. We heat things up under the covers. We play games ~ from zoomy to reeps, and don't care if anyone peeps ~ though he who does ~ seldom recovers. When Cheryl had Daryl over a barrel, he yelled "What'sya gonna do?" She said, "It was at your own peril that you claimed you were sterile, and for that, I'm gonna cram this rat that's feral right up the backside of you." I sure miss the old halcyon days. They were so great in so many ways ~ not like these dog days of summer ~ that make people dumber and dumber. Please. Pass the catsup ~ and mayonnaise. Because of the very hot weather, lovers should skip sleeping together. The rubbing of very dry feet on a combustible bed sheet might cause a fiery coming together.