I was born on Friday the 13th and I've had nothing but bad luck.
Last week I got struck by lightning and today I got hit by a truck.
A safe flattened my head and things are not fine.
Now people run because they think I'm Frankenstein.
Last year my dad kicked me in the crotch because I stepped on a crack.
Believe it or not, it actually broke my mother's back.
When my dad kicked me in the crotch, my testicles actually bled.
If you were born on Friday the 13th, you'd better get back in bed.
(This is a fictional poem.)
Thick as a brick.
Misunderstood.
Alas a teenage daughter
Got in the family way,
Such they are the times
What more can you say.
It was getting near her time
But still she wanted out,
To the pub or just the pictures
She didn"t mind being stout.
Then one night it happened
While she was all alone,
Nature took Her course
She fumbled for the phone.
The time was nearly midnight
It was dad who was awoken
'Can you come and get me,
I think my waters broken.'
'Okay' shouts her dad
'tell me where you are,
You just say the place
I"ll go get the car."
He jumped up out of bed
Put slippers on his feet
'Where are you ringing from?'
'From my knickers to my feet.'
Me,my dad and sister Robyn.
Went a fishin with a bobbin.
I hooked a tire and realed it in.
A big ole bullhead was in the bin.
So Dad said, quit your sobbin.
I told my brothers what I caught.
Their disbelief is not what I sought.
My Brother Scott said I was lying.
Brother Terry said quit your crying.
Mother said, don't give it another thought.
I've told this story many times.
And now I've told it with some rhymes.
The best part is, is that it's true.
And with one more line it will be through.
Fishin's fun if you don' mind the slime.
My dad hates me hes always on my case
Morning noon and night hes always in my face
Clean your room up its just not fair
Straighten up your tie do something with your hair
And if its not my dad its my mum
Put a smile on your face you always look so glum
Well i aint got much to smile about i say
Well she says do as your told and everything will be ok
So i sulk stamp my feet go to my room to be on my own
Thinking about it though im 32
Think its time i left home
Grade one, oh, how I had so much fun!
Grade two; I painted pictures with colours red white and blue
Grade three, the year I fixed a rope swing to a great oak tree
Grade four, 6 stitches for banging my head of that bloody door!
Grade five, touching the electrics! I’m lucky to be alive.
Grade six, lots of mischief and all sorts of naughty tricks
Grade seven; I was a darling boy that was on track to go to heaven!
Grade eight, please Dad I will be good, I hope it’s not too late?
Grade nine, the summer my dad gave me my 1st glass of wine!
Grade ten, the year I washed my shirts to find a leaking black pen
How I remember my life in a stage or grade,
Not a year passes by where these memories fade.
Listen to everything I tell you son
You will see that you will have fun
Go to the house of Lady Loo
Knock on the door and do what I tell you to do
So with dad’s advice at hand I knock
The most beautiful woman from Bangkok
She gave me a welcoming embrace
And looked at my pimply braced face
Then she led me through a door
Into a room full of joys and more
“Lay her on the bed”
“And handcuff her hands to it behind her head”
So I did exactly what dad had said
With my face a bright pimply red
She said “who’s son are you boy?”
With my clothes off, she screamed “Mr. Smith’s” in joy
As her eyes googled my toy
Now me knees were knocking a tune
So I dressed and was out there with a zoom
Met my dad out side
He took me home in his ride
As my braces glisten by the light of the moon
He said “ That’s an experience, wasn’t it fun”
“Now I have a man for a son”
Three months later in the papers I read
Lady Loo found dead
Her hands handcuffed behind her head
As dry as a prune on her bed
My mamma called my dad a Martian
They were arguing over the dish washin’
She said “you better beware,”
“Or I’ll knock you block way up there”
For a mute she said it all in fluent Russian
Been MI6 dad arrested her as a communist who poisoned his water
Shot her in a rocket into the sky with his step daughter
The rocket went up
In the shape of a tea cup
And the world thought it was a flying saucer.
Don’t put your Dad in a home kids
It isn’t a nice place to be
The people are old, the foods always cold
And everyone smells of stale pee
Don’t put your Dad in a home kids
You know that it wouldn’t be fair
They feed you alright and watch through the night
But you know that they don’t really care
So don’t put your Dad in a home kids
It is not where he’d like to expire
Just let him stay till he goes on his way
With his slippers in front of the fire
Why does mama only see the dog stains?
How can dad step over dog stains and not see them?
Why is it that mama is the only one who notices trash lying on the floor?
How can dad step over trash on the floor and not see it?
Does anyone but me see a pattern?
My son makes a game of balancing trash on top of the overflowing garbage can...let's
see how high we can stack it!! What fun!!
This Halloween, I tried something different. I went as a Go-Go dancer! The Hardly Boys
Get clues when they solve mysteries. My dad thought it was a good idea for me to take our
Monkey Scooter along, because every good detective is a Butt Pirate, he said.
Things went along smoothly until Scooter saw our neighbor's ***** and chased it up and
into his skin. I almost dropped my crack/cocaine, but luckily, Scooter doesn't rape very soft.
We then went to Bob The Builder's house to meet him and his little sister. I hate Trick or
Treating with fat pieces of B.s. like her. They are no fun! But Bob The Builder's dad said
we had to take the fat crack whore along.
Well, it was a good thing I was a Meth addict, because Bob The Builder's vagina ran away
from us and we were really scared that it was lost. Luckily, Scooter ate his little sister
out.
So everything was OK, I'm such a rapist!
I raised a turkey and his name was Ben.
He was a great turkey he's my best friend.
I talked to him and told him my dreams.
He was my best friend and we made a good team.
My dad said hey tell Ben good-bye.
I looked at daddy and said tell me why?
My dad said we need a turkey for Thanksgiving day.
I told my dad I have two dollars will that pay his way.
He said make a deal that turkey day clock is ticken.
I said to dad hey this year lets have roasted chicken.
Teresa Skyles 10/28/09
"Howard woncha say a few wurds?
Cum on Howard like over tha bird."
Says Aunt Jen visitin' fer the holeeday.
Weuns are seated tha eight of us at this here sumpchus dinner table,
Lookin' at the damndest big brown poultry ya iver seen.
Howard ma Dad is jist liftin' a forkful a meat drippin' gravy an dressin'.
Tha rest of us heseetate not knowin' what's a cumin.'
Our familee niver did give no thanks fer nuthin'.
Now dad lays down the heepin fork careful like chokes then beegins -
"Weeeellll Lord I chased ol' Mahitabel all roun' tha yard.
She knew what was a cumin' an' diseepeered inta the rushes by tha pond.
Couldn't see her nohow but put a barrel-full inta the weeds anyways
Heered this here squawk!
Looked all through tha stalks fer old Mahitabel,
Niver found her
But! Lord we do now thank ye most bounteefullee fer this here swan.
A men"